Didn't you know????

I'm a bit of a control freak. Now I was this way before Roo was born and afterwards even more so. Since I couldn't control what was going on with my baby I felt the only thing I could control was my surroundings. Oh, and important things like my hair LOL. Then it got bad for awhile and I tried to control the people around me. Bah! We all know that's a waste of time LOL. Every time we drove to an appt. for Roo, which was always 2 billion miles away, I would drive Roo's Dad insane. Until we realized it was much better for me to be the one driving. There were more then a few times in a parking garage at some hospital he wanted to kill me as I screamed there's a parking spot over there, turn, turn, turn, f it who cares if the van is crooked, LET'S GO!!!!!!! That man had the patience of a saint during that time in our lives. Granted he was far from perfect himself......but I was a control freak.
For the past 2 yrs I have tried to maintain control over my feelings, surroundings, situations, and have made EXTREMELY calculated decisions. Somewhere along the line, recently, I threw all caution to the wind. Thinking to myself, "This will be GREAT!" "This will be GRAND", ya know all the stuff you tell yourself when you decide to leap off that cliff with no regard to what actually may happen. Not such a great decision for a self proclaimed control freak. LOL.
Now my head is spinning, my heart is whothehellknows, and my stomach is in my throat. What am I doing??? That's what I keep asking myself. And it's that question over and over again in my head that's driving me crazy because I don't have an answer and can't seem to control things so carefully because of throwing that caution to the wind. I don't like it when life gets messy. Seriously, who does??? But my life, well it's been really messy, and seriously, DUDE, I need a break. And I've been using "Dude" in too much conversation but it makes me chuckle every time I do. LOL. Is it too much to ask for things to not be so gosh darn complicated???? Part of me wants to run back into the safeness of my fortress, part of me wants to forge on and keep going, part of me just wishes I had a crystal ball.
I know one thing for sure. I can't do chaos. I'm incapable of it, it will break me, and darnit I've worked to hard to piece me back together. I'm a planner, I have to have plan A-Z, like actual plans that will work in reality. I've always been inpatient but I didn't realize until recently how much Roo's life impacted how much I will and will not tolerate in my life. Ya, I'm jaded, I know exactly what I want and I go after it. I don't hem and haw, I'm straightforward to the point so much as I'm in your face. I'm fiercely independent and opinionated. Oh ya, and inpatient, because I don't want to surround myself with negativity or people who live their lives in disarray. Life is too short.......so I took a tangent in my life and now here I am.....facing myself in the mirror, control freak, judgemental, inpatient, angry, it's hard to see all this within myself........now, NOW though........how do I change???? Didn't you know it all starts with Plan A? Cause yes, yes I am, a CONTROL FREAK.

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Proceed with Caution....or just ignore me...

Pomgengratetini tonight.......I don't know why I decided to finally start a blog around Roo's 5th birthday with my emotions swirling all around me. I'm starting to feel like a whining blogger type. Oh well. Tonight my anger consumes me. Blue Bell, Tinker Tot, and I put up the Xmas tree. I used to love it. 3 yrs now I hate it. I hate that my Roo is a decoration on my tree rather then being here. I hate the Memory ornaments given to me, the ornaments that hold her picture, the ornaments that she(her pt) made with her teeny tiny little hand prints. I hate them but they also bring me so much peace.

I'm so angry and I don't like it. I hate not knowing what to do with my feelings of missing my sweet Roo. This weekend, Blue, Tinker, and I had a great time filled with laughter and laugh. It's been 3 holiday seasons and I can finally say I'm able to stop in the moments filled with love and laughter and soak them in. Not just pretend. Tinker Tot made arts and crafts out the kazoo this weekend like usual. Rainbows, butterflies, pictures of her horse, written songs, and stories she created with her own imagination. I love watching her draw and write her imagination at work.

Blue Bell loved playing with Tinker this weekend, loving each other up, driving each other crazy, helping me decorate the tree, being angry, happy, smiling, and laughing. I feel so sorry for those around me that are close to me. This is the time of year that takes the most patience. I try to withdraw into myself and concentrate all my energy on Blue and Tinker, but some friends still demand my attention. I warn them. I do. I tell them, My moods are going to be up and down, we can be laughing one moment and the next I'll be screaming in pain. Even though I warn them, they act shocked when it happens. I mean it's not like I'm acting insane just because, it's not like I'm acting angry just because, it's not like I'm taking things out on them because I'm there. Telling them I'm going to be emotional roller coaster and to proceed with caution is nice I think anyways. If they don't want to heed the warning, then don't be m-f shocked when the hammer comes down and I want you out of my house and to go home and leave me ALONE!!! Seriously, When I say I'm isolating for the benefit of others I'm not effing kidding. I guess there are always THOSE people though that think, well I'm different, I can get her to get over it, I can get her to change, I can take that hurt away.......YA OK, Jesus walked on water, but DUDE, HE WAS JESUS!!!

So, I miss Roo. It's been almost 3 yrs....ya ya yadda yadda, it's gotten easier with time. Grief comes in waves, blah blah. Just seriously, it sucks some major a** when her Bday and Xmas are 7 days apart. When I already had issues with the holidays because of my parents. In 2 weeks, I should be back on my feet, my smiley ole self. My friends that are smart, either A. Avoid me at this time, B. avoid me at this time unless I call them, show up at their house, IM, email, whatever, C. reach out to me but know they must listen to my nonsense and rambling and occasional walk down memory lane regarding Roo without saying a word, or D. walk into my space and MY TIME expecting me to be normal, expecting me to give them attention on their lives, expect me not to be an angry moody mess, and then when I realize THEY were expecting me to be ahem "NORMAL", blow the eff up and basically tell them to suck it. Those right now are the options.

One friend decided to walk into the mine field tonight and boy oh boy did that backfire. Shoot, any Sunday night when I have to send Tinker Tot back to her Dad's house is reason for me to NOT BE HAPPY. Blue Bell and I are comfortable enough to understand our hurt and anger on those Sundays. We hang out, talk, cuddle, or avoid each other. She goes to her room, I go to mine. It's an understanding. But someone from the outside, where I have tried to explain this and has witnessed it 1st hand now 2xs and still pushes to be apart of that effing mess......c'mon....give us our space.

I sound like a bitter B*tch. Really, I'm not. I'm hurting, Today is the exDH birthday, yesterday was my2nd Mom's bday, tomorrow is my Mom's bday, Weds. is Roo's Bday, Thurs is her 35 mo angel anniversary, I'm dealing with a teenager, a custody battle, more family drama then I need, oh ya and xmas is right around the corner.

Bitter not really, Angry OH YEAH, wanting to drink more of my martini to make it all hurt a little less........right on that........

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