I would have loved to be inside of Tinker's head yesterday as we waited for her to be wheeled off to surgery. Her Dad, RosieD, and me all waiting in one room, loving and doting on her. I was a tad late in arrival, on purpose, to the hospital. I figured they could get her settled in and deal with the 1st set of tears and I didn't want her to feel overwhelmed by all of us doting on her. Cause, seriously, with RosieD, it's all about who is more loving blah blah blah.
I sprinted across the parking lot, waited for 5 mins. at the check in desk, held my breath, and when the receptionist finally asked me, "Can I help you?" I was relieved. She didn't even have to ask my name. She said, "You're Tinker's Mom aren't you? She told me to look for a Mommy with purple hair." All I could do was laugh......purple hair! My hair is anything but purple. It is a running inside joke between me and Tinker though.
I got to her room and there she was clutching her stuffed animals. RosieD immediately apologized to me for Tinker's calling my hair purple. I just chuckled and Tinker giggled. She was nervous, she was brave, it was Roo's angel anniversary day. Driving to the hospital, I had so many memories flood my mind. The early morning doctor and specialist visits. The early morning admissions for surgery and testing. It was hard to not think of all those things and my Roo. But, I needed to be as strong as I could for Tinker.
The surgery was short and successful. Tinker was a loop in recovery. RosieD tried to exert her control over me and I did not budge. I was there for Tinker, I was not leaving her side, no matter how much she pushed and prodded me. I chuckled again when the nurses asked her to leave because she was too loud and in the way. I chuckled when the ENT went over all post-op instructions while staring straight at RosieD and the Ex, twirled on his foot, and winked at me.
Tinker and I got home and took a nice rest together before Blue came home from school. She was still loopy when we laid down and cuddled. I asked her if she was nervous having all of us there. She said, "Noooope. RosieD never talks to me like that at Dada's house though. EVER." I asked her if she liked the way RosieD talked to her before and after surgery. Tinker said, "Yeeep." It saddens me to know that it was all just a show. RosieD has shared with me before how she is intimidated by my exceptional Mothering skills. LOL She needs to find some self-esteem.
I cuddled my Tinker, I tickled her back, I played with her hair, as she fell fast asleep all curled up with me. I smelt her sweet innocence, I ran my hand across her still baby smooth cheek, I thought about my "purple" hair. Mostly, I thanked God, this is her last surgery, she's with me till Sunday, and every night and everyday, I'll be showering her with all kinds of Mommy love, not because I have to, not because I feel I need to live up to this notion of Motherhood, only because she's my Tinker, my own unique, precious, brave, big hearted, loving, little girl.
Btw, no more martinis, I've cut myself off.........but still......
F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Showing posts with label Tinker. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Tinker. Show all posts
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
I will PRAY........
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Today, I picked Tinker Tot up from school, and she was crying. When I asked her why...again she said.. "Dada and RosieD said bad things about you." I was expecting this to happen eventually since I have not been reacting to RosieD's struggle to control me. There were the nasty words shouted at me the other night, they've been bouncing around in my head, and I've been wondering if my Tinker heard them.
I had to make a difficult decision tonight and decided not to see Tinker for the next 2 weeks. I WILL NOT have my daughter in the middle of something they should be handling as adults. I will not react with anger or show them my frustration. I will miss Tinker with every fiber of my very being but, I feel this is what's best for her at the moment because.........this way.....whether I'm the bad guy or not.......she doesn't feel like she has to tell me........she doesn't have to get in my car after school, cry, and tell me Dada and RosieD said mean words. She doesn't have to cry, beg, and plead for me not to tell RosieD because she's afraid of getting in trouble.
I know there was a time I needed to have all control in my life. Because, I was so unhappy with myself. Losing Roo changed me, Blue Bell being happy again changed me. I know ex-idiot could not stand the control I tried to exert over him daily when we were married........I wonder if I am out of the equation and they really have to look at themselves.......if it will make a difference. I know in the short term, I will be branded the mother who doesn't care.......the bad mother.......they'll say I only think about Blue Bell........but as I sat holding my little Tinker crying in my arms today.......I know in my heart....... in the long run.......there will be peace. If I have to take the brunt of it so be it........but Tinker won't be getting in my car after school crying her little eyeballs out, she'll be safe from the feelings of being in the middle, or feeling like she has to tell me, even though I've told her I don't need to know everything that happens at Dada's house. IT's OK not to tell me about the bad words said about me... I talked to her about not seeing her....about just being at Dada's for a bit, and the tears stopped...she sighed in relief. I grew up in a divorced home...filled with angry words, used as a pawn by both my parents to hurt each other. I won't do that to Tinker. I won't let her feel that push and pull, feel the need to tell me things to feel loyal to me and then turn around and tell her Dada things so she feels loyal to him....She always leads her Dada to believe she doesn't have fun with me....because then well, Dada buys her presents...like ummm a HORSE! I won't contribute to her learning to be more manipulative. She was relieved..RELIEVED..when I asked her what she thought about taking a little break. It's exhausting emotionally on every level. I sent her to live with her Dada and RosieD when Roo was dying. I made the unselfish choice to do what I thought was in her best interests at the time. I didn't want her to be scared, be scarred, from witnessing Roo's painful death....but I didn't anticipate any of this. I didn't anticipate this emotional turmoil being released on her by her Dada and RosieD. I have a plan, it will take time, I have a goal, it will take patience.....for now my little 6yr old needs a break....and if I'm the one that has to be unselfish and take the emotional blows not seeing her...well...I can do it. For 2 weeks.
I've been called insane, a piece of shit, a bad mother, but I have yet to utter one mean spirited word in their direction. I won't sink to their level of playing dirty. Instead, I will do as I have always done since Roo died. I will pray.
and those prayers.....they will be answered......it's been a long time since I wrote this....8 months.....who knew that over these 8 months things would get so much worse....and then.....SO MUCH BETTER!!!
F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Today, I picked Tinker Tot up from school, and she was crying. When I asked her why...again she said.. "Dada and RosieD said bad things about you." I was expecting this to happen eventually since I have not been reacting to RosieD's struggle to control me. There were the nasty words shouted at me the other night, they've been bouncing around in my head, and I've been wondering if my Tinker heard them.
I had to make a difficult decision tonight and decided not to see Tinker for the next 2 weeks. I WILL NOT have my daughter in the middle of something they should be handling as adults. I will not react with anger or show them my frustration. I will miss Tinker with every fiber of my very being but, I feel this is what's best for her at the moment because.........this way.....whether I'm the bad guy or not.......she doesn't feel like she has to tell me........she doesn't have to get in my car after school, cry, and tell me Dada and RosieD said mean words. She doesn't have to cry, beg, and plead for me not to tell RosieD because she's afraid of getting in trouble.
I know there was a time I needed to have all control in my life. Because, I was so unhappy with myself. Losing Roo changed me, Blue Bell being happy again changed me. I know ex-idiot could not stand the control I tried to exert over him daily when we were married........I wonder if I am out of the equation and they really have to look at themselves.......if it will make a difference. I know in the short term, I will be branded the mother who doesn't care.......the bad mother.......they'll say I only think about Blue Bell........but as I sat holding my little Tinker crying in my arms today.......I know in my heart....... in the long run.......there will be peace. If I have to take the brunt of it so be it........but Tinker won't be getting in my car after school crying her little eyeballs out, she'll be safe from the feelings of being in the middle, or feeling like she has to tell me, even though I've told her I don't need to know everything that happens at Dada's house. IT's OK not to tell me about the bad words said about me... I talked to her about not seeing her....about just being at Dada's for a bit, and the tears stopped...she sighed in relief. I grew up in a divorced home...filled with angry words, used as a pawn by both my parents to hurt each other. I won't do that to Tinker. I won't let her feel that push and pull, feel the need to tell me things to feel loyal to me and then turn around and tell her Dada things so she feels loyal to him....She always leads her Dada to believe she doesn't have fun with me....because then well, Dada buys her presents...like ummm a HORSE! I won't contribute to her learning to be more manipulative. She was relieved..RELIEVED..when I asked her what she thought about taking a little break. It's exhausting emotionally on every level. I sent her to live with her Dada and RosieD when Roo was dying. I made the unselfish choice to do what I thought was in her best interests at the time. I didn't want her to be scared, be scarred, from witnessing Roo's painful death....but I didn't anticipate any of this. I didn't anticipate this emotional turmoil being released on her by her Dada and RosieD. I have a plan, it will take time, I have a goal, it will take patience.....for now my little 6yr old needs a break....and if I'm the one that has to be unselfish and take the emotional blows not seeing her...well...I can do it. For 2 weeks.
I've been called insane, a piece of shit, a bad mother, but I have yet to utter one mean spirited word in their direction. I won't sink to their level of playing dirty. Instead, I will do as I have always done since Roo died. I will pray.
and those prayers.....they will be answered......it's been a long time since I wrote this....8 months.....who knew that over these 8 months things would get so much worse....and then.....SO MUCH BETTER!!!
F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Breathe In...Breathe out....
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Breathe in, Breathe out..........that is my mantra lately. Life has been rolling along smoothly with a few bumps here and there. It seems as though the holidays, fall, winter, Roo boo boo's 4Th birthday all have snuck up on me FAST. Most likely because I've been so busy with the girlies to even catch my breath or have any longer then 10 mins at a time to really think about things.....or maybe just because I haven't let my mind drift there.....Just Yet.....till last night.
Last night the anxiety hit FULL FORCE. I mean straight on hit the wall going 100mph. It's not like I haven't been here before. 3yrs ago I was celebrating Thanksgiving with Tinker Tot 1200 miles away, Blue Bell with a not so present Mooma, Mumzie, or Moulia as she likes to call me (don't know where she learned to come up with nicknames like that LOL), and Roo recovering from her 1st long term hospitalization from the yucky RSV and proving to ALL of us that there was a ton of fight in her spirit against the broken body she was born into. 2 yrs ago, celebrating Thanksgiving, knowing it was going to be Roo's last as she had taken a turn for the worst, and trying to find some inner balance inside myself that life would never ever be the same, and feeling so robbed, lost, angry, and just wanting to hold all 3 of my girls as close as I could. 1 yr ago, celebrating Thanksgiving, feeling numb, sad, incomplete, with a brave smile on my face for the girlies, crying inside, screaming for my baby to be back with us for just one more minute.
Breathe in, Breathe out. Now, all the 2nds are upon us. The year of 2nd holidays without Roo in this new normal we have settled into.....life without her. She would have been 4 next month. Last night, as I was sitting at gymnastics with my 5yr old Tinker Tot in my arms, as I tickled her back, and her sweet little face was cuddled up to mine, it really hit me. Wow, they would be playing together, sitting here together, coloring next to each other, fighting over Mama's lap. Tinker , that kid never ceases to amaze me. I was soooooo looking forward to seeing her yesterday at gym. RosieD aka Step-mom was coaching last night so it was just me and Tinker for 2hrs. I needed to cuddle her so badly, and kissie her, and sing with her. She really knocks my socks off in so many different ways. She's so silly and inquisitive. Sometimes she will come out and ask the silliest questions just to see how we will react and other times she asks the most mind-blowing questions.
Last night was all about the mind-blowing questions. How do I explain how Roo is still in our lives but we are living in the present? I don't know if I can find the right words to describe it. Sometimes on occasion I will bring Roo up in conversation, Blue Bell barely talks about her, Tinker, she talks about Roo SO MUCH. Maybe it's her age and since she doesn't really remember as clearly as Blue and I do she thinks about things and tries to wrap her little 5yr old Tinky mind around them.
So, there we were last night at gym and she's coloring. I'm sitting there watching Blue, letting my mind wander to the other 80 billion things I think about, ya know, laundry, appts today, Blue's 1st gym meet on Sunday, Xmas, why did I wear this uncomfortable shirt yada yada........Tinker turns to me and says......"Mommy, what will happen if the world dies?" ummmm........ahhhhhhhh.......well Tinker.........Breathe in, Breathe out........My eyes dart over to RosieD coaching gym, looks exhausting but wishing that I was coaching those 20 little gymnasts and spotting their tricks. Well, Tinker, I think if the world was going to die that God and Jesus would come and get us 1st and bring us home to heaven......but I don't think that's going to happen for a longggggg time, and well I think that's a good question for Dada, we'll ask him.
That satisfied her enough for about 2 minutes till the next question came. She put her coloring away, climbed back up on my lap and cuddled up, and said, "Mommy, do you worry about Roo?" There I am thinking to myself.........ummm ahhhhh where in the world does she come up with this stuff and why always when I'm battling back the grief demon. Well, no Tinker, not at all. She's in Heaven, in a perfect body, you don't have to worry about anything there. "Well, Mom I worry about my family."........O.K. now my heart is breaking.....Tinker why is that??? Well, I haven't seen my Grandma in awhile.......she's not in Heaven Tinker Tot and ummm didn't you just see her 2 weeks ago at sissie's bday party???? OHHH Yeah!!! That's right!! I forgot......and ummm isn't she coming over with your other Grandma for Thanksgiving just like they do every year.........OHH YEAH!!! That's right!!!! Tinker laughs, giggles, and does some more of her deep down belly laughing......SILLY ME!!!
Back to coloring she goes. And there I sit thinking boy this is going to be a longgggggg 2 hrs if she keeps this up. 5 mins passes........."Mommy?" Yes, Tinker? "You cry at xmas time." Yes, Tink, yes I do. "Cause you miss Roo?" Yes, especially around Xmas cause her birthday is right around that time too Tinker.
She crawls back up on my lap.......cuddles herself into me some more......lays in my arms like my big baby.........we snuggle.....I watch Blue hit her floor routine in stride......She's looking good for the meet........."Mommy?' Yes, Tinker? We should get Roo a High School Musical Cake this year!!!!! Ok. more cuddles.......I watch Blue pike her vault....that needs a little tweaking before the meet........."Mommy?" Yes, Tinker. Roo is going to be 4 right? Yep. Well, then her cake has to be Blue's Clue's cause 4yrs olds like that better.....not me though cause I'm 5 and I'm a much more big girl.......Yes, Tinker, Yes you are.
I look up gym is done. RosieD comes over exhausted from her work out with the little gymnasts. I'm just as exhausted too though, in a different way. I tell her about the oh so important question Dada must answer for Tinker Tot.......we walk outside get the girlies in the car.......I tell her about Tinker's and my conversation. She listens attentively like always......stands there patiently while the little twerpies are bugging each other in the car........I think she knows my anxiety has started.
We go off on our separate ways. Blue gets in the car and talks and talks and talks on the way home. This girl said that at gym, this girl did this......uh huh, uh huh.......I listen. Breathe in, Breathe out. I will make it through the holidays.....I will make it through Roo's bday, I will make it through the dreadful winter. I will because I HAVE TO, for the girlies, and I will because I CAN. With some tears, moments of happiness captured here and there, watching my girls grow, answering Tinker tot's breath taking questions every now and then. All while remembering, Breathe in, Breathe out..........just breathe..........
F*Lushhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
more updated post coming soon.
Breathe in, Breathe out..........that is my mantra lately. Life has been rolling along smoothly with a few bumps here and there. It seems as though the holidays, fall, winter, Roo boo boo's 4Th birthday all have snuck up on me FAST. Most likely because I've been so busy with the girlies to even catch my breath or have any longer then 10 mins at a time to really think about things.....or maybe just because I haven't let my mind drift there.....Just Yet.....till last night.
Last night the anxiety hit FULL FORCE. I mean straight on hit the wall going 100mph. It's not like I haven't been here before. 3yrs ago I was celebrating Thanksgiving with Tinker Tot 1200 miles away, Blue Bell with a not so present Mooma, Mumzie, or Moulia as she likes to call me (don't know where she learned to come up with nicknames like that LOL), and Roo recovering from her 1st long term hospitalization from the yucky RSV and proving to ALL of us that there was a ton of fight in her spirit against the broken body she was born into. 2 yrs ago, celebrating Thanksgiving, knowing it was going to be Roo's last as she had taken a turn for the worst, and trying to find some inner balance inside myself that life would never ever be the same, and feeling so robbed, lost, angry, and just wanting to hold all 3 of my girls as close as I could. 1 yr ago, celebrating Thanksgiving, feeling numb, sad, incomplete, with a brave smile on my face for the girlies, crying inside, screaming for my baby to be back with us for just one more minute.
Breathe in, Breathe out. Now, all the 2nds are upon us. The year of 2nd holidays without Roo in this new normal we have settled into.....life without her. She would have been 4 next month. Last night, as I was sitting at gymnastics with my 5yr old Tinker Tot in my arms, as I tickled her back, and her sweet little face was cuddled up to mine, it really hit me. Wow, they would be playing together, sitting here together, coloring next to each other, fighting over Mama's lap. Tinker , that kid never ceases to amaze me. I was soooooo looking forward to seeing her yesterday at gym. RosieD aka Step-mom was coaching last night so it was just me and Tinker for 2hrs. I needed to cuddle her so badly, and kissie her, and sing with her. She really knocks my socks off in so many different ways. She's so silly and inquisitive. Sometimes she will come out and ask the silliest questions just to see how we will react and other times she asks the most mind-blowing questions.
Last night was all about the mind-blowing questions. How do I explain how Roo is still in our lives but we are living in the present? I don't know if I can find the right words to describe it. Sometimes on occasion I will bring Roo up in conversation, Blue Bell barely talks about her, Tinker, she talks about Roo SO MUCH. Maybe it's her age and since she doesn't really remember as clearly as Blue and I do she thinks about things and tries to wrap her little 5yr old Tinky mind around them.
So, there we were last night at gym and she's coloring. I'm sitting there watching Blue, letting my mind wander to the other 80 billion things I think about, ya know, laundry, appts today, Blue's 1st gym meet on Sunday, Xmas, why did I wear this uncomfortable shirt yada yada........Tinker turns to me and says......"Mommy, what will happen if the world dies?" ummmm........ahhhhhhhh.......well Tinker.........Breathe in, Breathe out........My eyes dart over to RosieD coaching gym, looks exhausting but wishing that I was coaching those 20 little gymnasts and spotting their tricks. Well, Tinker, I think if the world was going to die that God and Jesus would come and get us 1st and bring us home to heaven......but I don't think that's going to happen for a longggggg time, and well I think that's a good question for Dada, we'll ask him.
That satisfied her enough for about 2 minutes till the next question came. She put her coloring away, climbed back up on my lap and cuddled up, and said, "Mommy, do you worry about Roo?" There I am thinking to myself.........ummm ahhhhh where in the world does she come up with this stuff and why always when I'm battling back the grief demon. Well, no Tinker, not at all. She's in Heaven, in a perfect body, you don't have to worry about anything there. "Well, Mom I worry about my family."........O.K. now my heart is breaking.....Tinker why is that??? Well, I haven't seen my Grandma in awhile.......she's not in Heaven Tinker Tot and ummm didn't you just see her 2 weeks ago at sissie's bday party???? OHHH Yeah!!! That's right!! I forgot......and ummm isn't she coming over with your other Grandma for Thanksgiving just like they do every year.........OHH YEAH!!! That's right!!!! Tinker laughs, giggles, and does some more of her deep down belly laughing......SILLY ME!!!
Back to coloring she goes. And there I sit thinking boy this is going to be a longgggggg 2 hrs if she keeps this up. 5 mins passes........."Mommy?" Yes, Tinker? "You cry at xmas time." Yes, Tink, yes I do. "Cause you miss Roo?" Yes, especially around Xmas cause her birthday is right around that time too Tinker.
She crawls back up on my lap.......cuddles herself into me some more......lays in my arms like my big baby.........we snuggle.....I watch Blue hit her floor routine in stride......She's looking good for the meet........."Mommy?' Yes, Tinker? We should get Roo a High School Musical Cake this year!!!!! Ok. more cuddles.......I watch Blue pike her vault....that needs a little tweaking before the meet........."Mommy?" Yes, Tinker. Roo is going to be 4 right? Yep. Well, then her cake has to be Blue's Clue's cause 4yrs olds like that better.....not me though cause I'm 5 and I'm a much more big girl.......Yes, Tinker, Yes you are.
I look up gym is done. RosieD comes over exhausted from her work out with the little gymnasts. I'm just as exhausted too though, in a different way. I tell her about the oh so important question Dada must answer for Tinker Tot.......we walk outside get the girlies in the car.......I tell her about Tinker's and my conversation. She listens attentively like always......stands there patiently while the little twerpies are bugging each other in the car........I think she knows my anxiety has started.
We go off on our separate ways. Blue gets in the car and talks and talks and talks on the way home. This girl said that at gym, this girl did this......uh huh, uh huh.......I listen. Breathe in, Breathe out. I will make it through the holidays.....I will make it through Roo's bday, I will make it through the dreadful winter. I will because I HAVE TO, for the girlies, and I will because I CAN. With some tears, moments of happiness captured here and there, watching my girls grow, answering Tinker tot's breath taking questions every now and then. All while remembering, Breathe in, Breathe out..........just breathe..........
F*Lushhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
more updated post coming soon.
Friday, December 26, 2008
I'm so ANGRY right now. Not because Christmas was horrible. Not because my Aunt that i haven't spoken to in years called me. Not because My sister, who I haven't spoken to since Roo's funeral called me. Nope, none of those things. It's because I'm Tired. T.I.R.E.D. After 3 yrs, one would think that those around me would understand, that the holidays require so much effort and energy on my end, and not take that for themselves. Seriously, who does that??? Oh wait, I can name a few.
I want to bury myself, I want to sleep forever, I want to tell my sister off for wasting 2hrs of my time yesterday complaining about her most recent boyfriend that broke up with her. I want to scream at my Mother for being manipulated by my older sister.
Want to know what set me off, initially? Tinker has ringworm, which she caught from her step-sister, that has had it for 2 months. That my ex-idiot wasn't going to tell me about but decided it might be a good idea after he heard our daughter tell me over the phone and the tone of my pre-freak out voice. I've had MRSA, Mito, anemia, mono, strep that almost killed me, fill in the blank...I've never heard of that blah blah. Yep, that's me. So ya, I freaked. And then freaked some more when Tinker Tot's ear tube started draining and the ringworm multiplied on her body, even though I started treating it just as the ped instructed, ya I FREAKED.
I FREAKED, in my usual way though, on the inside and not the outside. No one around me could tell I was silently praying to God and Roo that this ringworm wasn't real, that I wouldn't get it, that it wouldn't multiply on Tinker. Ever time Tinker is with me, we cuddle, we sleep together and we love on each other. And, I was so looking forward to that because, she's the most loving little 6 yr old ever. She can tell when I' m about to cry before anyone else. She woke up a booger this morning all over her face and hair, draining ear, more ringworm, and my heart just broke. Ya, I'm a wimp. I was never this way before....but now I am.
I want to hide, I want to hope and pray that I don't get it and don't end up sick or with my MRSA or Mito aggravated. And I wish and I hope, that this X-mas I could have held my Tinker Tot close to me and cuddly boopered with her, kisses, and huggies, without being a paranoid freak.
Really, it was a good X-Mas. But, I'm tired of life just giving us that one little thing that just throws me over the edge and makes me want to drink an appletini to write this blubbering crap so I can............
F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I want to bury myself, I want to sleep forever, I want to tell my sister off for wasting 2hrs of my time yesterday complaining about her most recent boyfriend that broke up with her. I want to scream at my Mother for being manipulated by my older sister.
Want to know what set me off, initially? Tinker has ringworm, which she caught from her step-sister, that has had it for 2 months. That my ex-idiot wasn't going to tell me about but decided it might be a good idea after he heard our daughter tell me over the phone and the tone of my pre-freak out voice. I've had MRSA, Mito, anemia, mono, strep that almost killed me, fill in the blank...I've never heard of that blah blah. Yep, that's me. So ya, I freaked. And then freaked some more when Tinker Tot's ear tube started draining and the ringworm multiplied on her body, even though I started treating it just as the ped instructed, ya I FREAKED.
I FREAKED, in my usual way though, on the inside and not the outside. No one around me could tell I was silently praying to God and Roo that this ringworm wasn't real, that I wouldn't get it, that it wouldn't multiply on Tinker. Ever time Tinker is with me, we cuddle, we sleep together and we love on each other. And, I was so looking forward to that because, she's the most loving little 6 yr old ever. She can tell when I' m about to cry before anyone else. She woke up a booger this morning all over her face and hair, draining ear, more ringworm, and my heart just broke. Ya, I'm a wimp. I was never this way before....but now I am.
I want to hide, I want to hope and pray that I don't get it and don't end up sick or with my MRSA or Mito aggravated. And I wish and I hope, that this X-mas I could have held my Tinker Tot close to me and cuddly boopered with her, kisses, and huggies, without being a paranoid freak.
Really, it was a good X-Mas. But, I'm tired of life just giving us that one little thing that just throws me over the edge and makes me want to drink an appletini to write this blubbering crap so I can............
F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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