I would have loved to be inside of Tinker's head yesterday as we waited for her to be wheeled off to surgery. Her Dad, RosieD, and me all waiting in one room, loving and doting on her. I was a tad late in arrival, on purpose, to the hospital. I figured they could get her settled in and deal with the 1st set of tears and I didn't want her to feel overwhelmed by all of us doting on her. Cause, seriously, with RosieD, it's all about who is more loving blah blah blah.
I sprinted across the parking lot, waited for 5 mins. at the check in desk, held my breath, and when the receptionist finally asked me, "Can I help you?" I was relieved. She didn't even have to ask my name. She said, "You're Tinker's Mom aren't you? She told me to look for a Mommy with purple hair." All I could do was laugh......purple hair! My hair is anything but purple. It is a running inside joke between me and Tinker though.
I got to her room and there she was clutching her stuffed animals. RosieD immediately apologized to me for Tinker's calling my hair purple. I just chuckled and Tinker giggled. She was nervous, she was brave, it was Roo's angel anniversary day. Driving to the hospital, I had so many memories flood my mind. The early morning doctor and specialist visits. The early morning admissions for surgery and testing. It was hard to not think of all those things and my Roo. But, I needed to be as strong as I could for Tinker.
The surgery was short and successful. Tinker was a loop in recovery. RosieD tried to exert her control over me and I did not budge. I was there for Tinker, I was not leaving her side, no matter how much she pushed and prodded me. I chuckled again when the nurses asked her to leave because she was too loud and in the way. I chuckled when the ENT went over all post-op instructions while staring straight at RosieD and the Ex, twirled on his foot, and winked at me.
Tinker and I got home and took a nice rest together before Blue came home from school. She was still loopy when we laid down and cuddled. I asked her if she was nervous having all of us there. She said, "Noooope. RosieD never talks to me like that at Dada's house though. EVER." I asked her if she liked the way RosieD talked to her before and after surgery. Tinker said, "Yeeep." It saddens me to know that it was all just a show. RosieD has shared with me before how she is intimidated by my exceptional Mothering skills. LOL She needs to find some self-esteem.
I cuddled my Tinker, I tickled her back, I played with her hair, as she fell fast asleep all curled up with me. I smelt her sweet innocence, I ran my hand across her still baby smooth cheek, I thought about my "purple" hair. Mostly, I thanked God, this is her last surgery, she's with me till Sunday, and every night and everyday, I'll be showering her with all kinds of Mommy love, not because I have to, not because I feel I need to live up to this notion of Motherhood, only because she's my Tinker, my own unique, precious, brave, big hearted, loving, little girl.
Btw, no more martinis, I've cut myself off.........but still......
F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Showing posts with label strength. Show all posts
Showing posts with label strength. Show all posts
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Saturday, December 27, 2008
DIG DEEP 2007
So it's a beautiful day here in Ohio finally! And I spent my day inside trying to push out all the sadness that fills my heart. I can hear other people and what they would be saying to me right now..........She would want you to be happy, she's in a better place, she's no longer suffering. I think of where my life is right now, where's it's been this past year, which only few of you know the true depths I have had to overcome and climb out of. I think to myself I should be OK with Roo being in Heaven, I hear other people say, she talks about it to much, she should just let go, I've had people walk away from me because of my grief, my pain, my ever present sadness.
Really, I want to be happy. There are so many things to be happy about. The sun shining, no clouds in the sky, the warmth of the sun and the air, my 2 precious babies Blue Bell and Tinker Tot, having a beautiful home to live in, having many simple life things that last year I had to fight so hard to get and hold on too. It's true, my life is in a better place but not my heart. I've always believed in the power of forgiveness, forgiving those that chose to take advantage of me and hurt me, but I am filled with anger. I am filled with panic. Panic like I had right after Roo died. What do I do now??? I am trying to hard to build myself a life, I am trying so hard to reach out and meet new people, and well I suck at it. Sorry to all of you who I have broken dates on, who I have promised to call and not called, to those of you that have called me and I haven't called back.
My Dad always used to tell me, F*lush, ya gotta dig deep sometimes, really deep down within your soul, and pull yourself up. Well, I'm trying so very, very HARD. I still believe strongly in the signs that Roo gives me. The little or not so little coincidences. How about this........Yesterday I was at my doc's office to pick up samples of a medicine Roo used to be on. I was talking to the nurse and I was talking about Roo. Yes, I love talking to strangers about Roo, I will only be in their life for a moment and them in mine and I still feel the need to spread the joy and pain of my little girls life, anyways, so this nurse she asks me did you used to live (blank)......and I'm like yeah why?? She used to be one of Roo's first visiting nurses. Now what are the odds of that??? T I'm going on one of Roo's meds and the nurse giving it to me and explaining all the lovely side effects is someone that used to come to my home and take care of my baby. I could see the look of devastation on her face when I told her she had passed. She told me of the everlasting impact that Roo left on her life...........and yet again.........I felt some peace in knowing that my Roo has touched so many.
PANIC!!! Where is she?? She's all around me in just the right ways she should be. She's dancing, laughing, running, jumping, chasing those butterflies in Heaven. My heart hurts, yes more painful then any other experience in my life, and yet I go on. I try to live............I try to will myself to do the basic things in life that need to be done and keep my eye on my focus........providing Blue and Tinker with a wonderful childhood.
So many emotions, so much pain, so much joy, peace and unrest. None of this is fair, but God chose me, and here I am..............sitting at my computer.......the sunlight peeking through the blinds..........a tear streams down my face...........and I hear the words DIG DEEP... DIG DEEP..............time to get Blue Bell and go to gymnastics, sit and talk with the other gym Mom's about this and that.... yes life does go on.....................
F*Lushhhhhhhh
P.S. I promise that I have some recent things to share that I have written...but I feel like my blog wouldn't be complete without sharing all of the past.
Really, I want to be happy. There are so many things to be happy about. The sun shining, no clouds in the sky, the warmth of the sun and the air, my 2 precious babies Blue Bell and Tinker Tot, having a beautiful home to live in, having many simple life things that last year I had to fight so hard to get and hold on too. It's true, my life is in a better place but not my heart. I've always believed in the power of forgiveness, forgiving those that chose to take advantage of me and hurt me, but I am filled with anger. I am filled with panic. Panic like I had right after Roo died. What do I do now??? I am trying to hard to build myself a life, I am trying so hard to reach out and meet new people, and well I suck at it. Sorry to all of you who I have broken dates on, who I have promised to call and not called, to those of you that have called me and I haven't called back.
My Dad always used to tell me, F*lush, ya gotta dig deep sometimes, really deep down within your soul, and pull yourself up. Well, I'm trying so very, very HARD. I still believe strongly in the signs that Roo gives me. The little or not so little coincidences. How about this........Yesterday I was at my doc's office to pick up samples of a medicine Roo used to be on. I was talking to the nurse and I was talking about Roo. Yes, I love talking to strangers about Roo, I will only be in their life for a moment and them in mine and I still feel the need to spread the joy and pain of my little girls life, anyways, so this nurse she asks me did you used to live (blank)......and I'm like yeah why?? She used to be one of Roo's first visiting nurses. Now what are the odds of that??? T I'm going on one of Roo's meds and the nurse giving it to me and explaining all the lovely side effects is someone that used to come to my home and take care of my baby. I could see the look of devastation on her face when I told her she had passed. She told me of the everlasting impact that Roo left on her life...........and yet again.........I felt some peace in knowing that my Roo has touched so many.
PANIC!!! Where is she?? She's all around me in just the right ways she should be. She's dancing, laughing, running, jumping, chasing those butterflies in Heaven. My heart hurts, yes more painful then any other experience in my life, and yet I go on. I try to live............I try to will myself to do the basic things in life that need to be done and keep my eye on my focus........providing Blue and Tinker with a wonderful childhood.
So many emotions, so much pain, so much joy, peace and unrest. None of this is fair, but God chose me, and here I am..............sitting at my computer.......the sunlight peeking through the blinds..........a tear streams down my face...........and I hear the words DIG DEEP... DIG DEEP..............time to get Blue Bell and go to gymnastics, sit and talk with the other gym Mom's about this and that.... yes life does go on.....................
F*Lushhhhhhhh
P.S. I promise that I have some recent things to share that I have written...but I feel like my blog wouldn't be complete without sharing all of the past.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Roo's 1st Birthday
Friday, December 17, 2004
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY PRINCESS Roo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe that Roo is 1 today. When she was born I had no clue the journey we were about to begin. I had no clue that in this last year Roo would help me to heal family relationships, teach me how strong I can be, bring Tinker's Dad back into her life, and touch everyone that meets her. I have learned so much from this little girl of mine, so much about life. I cherish everyday I have with her. I don't think that I will ever be able to truly accept everything that has happened to her. Bu,t I believe that I am ready to live again for my children, to give Roo much love and happiness everyday as she gives to those around her. All of my friends just absolutely fell in love with her last week. Every minute of the day someone was holding her and she just loved it. I know you all are waiting for details, I'm just so busy living again.
Her appt was awesome we go back on Jan 3 for testing. They are going to do the skin biopsy again, evoked potential testing on her eyes, eeg, mri, gi, pulmo, cardio, another swallowing study, we are gonna be busy. The doctor at the clinic put his initial diagnosis as Metabolic encephalopathy, mental retardation, failure to thrive, and short stature. Roo has not really grown since she was 8 months old. Her head circumference is the same, her weight up and down if we could hit 17 lbs and keep going I would be a happy mommy!, and her length has been the same for 4 months. I told the doctor, I know she is the way she is, but I would like a diagnosis to at least have something to go by. He said that there is a 30% chance we may not find one. He will go as far as I want to go in looking. He confirmed what I already knew about this being progressive. He would like to try the mito cocktail or something like that but he wants to do his testing 1st. I told him I was moving up in Feb. and was surprised when he said that the testing can't wait till then. So, we are on a better path, still not a great one, but better!
Roo has been doing OK, she has another ear infection she needs tubes. Her breathing is awful and I'm so sick and tired of bringing her to the doctor and them telling me its because she has no productive cough and that's just the way it is. I mean there's got be something I can do to get that crap out her throat and chest. I have been doing chest pt that her therapist taught me, I can move some of it but not always. I'm doing breathing treatments and just praying it gets better.
She's also been having trouble pooping lately. It seems like she is just not strong enough to push it out, poor thing. She just tries so hard and nothing so me and mostly her dad have been helping her out. I tried some mineral oil to see if that would help and after 3 days still nothing so we'll see. After being in Ohio last week, around my family and friends, I feel a great sense of peace. I know that whatever happens I will be OK, that my girls and I are surrounded by love, and Roo's life will change people and touch them. It's awesome just to watch my friends hold her, I can see in their eyes the love, and how she just literally melts their heart.
updated: Roo did touch so many lives and change people. I am forever grateful for what she gave here on earth. Blue Bells' 1st gym meet was on the 18th last year, this year the championships are on the 18th. I met a Mom and little girl last year at Blue's 1st gym meet. The little baby girl had Mito, what are the odds, I like to believe that many of Blue's meets are on the 18th to remind us that Roo is still with us and proud of the both of us. For the Mom I am able to be despite her loss, for the wonderful, amazing, shining, girl Blue is, despite having watched Roo die a slow death. She would be 5 now, I'm sure fighting with Tinker over my affection and attention, Blue being annoyed by both her little sissies, God chose this path that we all walk. I step back in wonder everyday at how much Tinker and Blue's bond has grown. How Blue has let go of her anger towards Tinker, because she is not Roo, how they both have flourished and grown. I miss Roo so much, I know Blue misses her too, each day the both of us live to honor her and her memory, understanding each other more then most Mother's and daughter's can........We may not talk about Roo much to the people around us, We may act like life has moved on, truth is we don't need to express through words anymore, those around us know how much we have suffered, how much we have fought to come back and learn how to live without Roo and through her memory, how lucky are we, that through a wink, smile, hug, or encouraging words, we know that everyone around us that loves us deeply, also carries our sweet Roo in their hearts.....
F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHH
blue raz
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY PRINCESS Roo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe that Roo is 1 today. When she was born I had no clue the journey we were about to begin. I had no clue that in this last year Roo would help me to heal family relationships, teach me how strong I can be, bring Tinker's Dad back into her life, and touch everyone that meets her. I have learned so much from this little girl of mine, so much about life. I cherish everyday I have with her. I don't think that I will ever be able to truly accept everything that has happened to her. Bu,t I believe that I am ready to live again for my children, to give Roo much love and happiness everyday as she gives to those around her. All of my friends just absolutely fell in love with her last week. Every minute of the day someone was holding her and she just loved it. I know you all are waiting for details, I'm just so busy living again.
Her appt was awesome we go back on Jan 3 for testing. They are going to do the skin biopsy again, evoked potential testing on her eyes, eeg, mri, gi, pulmo, cardio, another swallowing study, we are gonna be busy. The doctor at the clinic put his initial diagnosis as Metabolic encephalopathy, mental retardation, failure to thrive, and short stature. Roo has not really grown since she was 8 months old. Her head circumference is the same, her weight up and down if we could hit 17 lbs and keep going I would be a happy mommy!, and her length has been the same for 4 months. I told the doctor, I know she is the way she is, but I would like a diagnosis to at least have something to go by. He said that there is a 30% chance we may not find one. He will go as far as I want to go in looking. He confirmed what I already knew about this being progressive. He would like to try the mito cocktail or something like that but he wants to do his testing 1st. I told him I was moving up in Feb. and was surprised when he said that the testing can't wait till then. So, we are on a better path, still not a great one, but better!
Roo has been doing OK, she has another ear infection she needs tubes. Her breathing is awful and I'm so sick and tired of bringing her to the doctor and them telling me its because she has no productive cough and that's just the way it is. I mean there's got be something I can do to get that crap out her throat and chest. I have been doing chest pt that her therapist taught me, I can move some of it but not always. I'm doing breathing treatments and just praying it gets better.
She's also been having trouble pooping lately. It seems like she is just not strong enough to push it out, poor thing. She just tries so hard and nothing so me and mostly her dad have been helping her out. I tried some mineral oil to see if that would help and after 3 days still nothing so we'll see. After being in Ohio last week, around my family and friends, I feel a great sense of peace. I know that whatever happens I will be OK, that my girls and I are surrounded by love, and Roo's life will change people and touch them. It's awesome just to watch my friends hold her, I can see in their eyes the love, and how she just literally melts their heart.
updated: Roo did touch so many lives and change people. I am forever grateful for what she gave here on earth. Blue Bells' 1st gym meet was on the 18th last year, this year the championships are on the 18th. I met a Mom and little girl last year at Blue's 1st gym meet. The little baby girl had Mito, what are the odds, I like to believe that many of Blue's meets are on the 18th to remind us that Roo is still with us and proud of the both of us. For the Mom I am able to be despite her loss, for the wonderful, amazing, shining, girl Blue is, despite having watched Roo die a slow death. She would be 5 now, I'm sure fighting with Tinker over my affection and attention, Blue being annoyed by both her little sissies, God chose this path that we all walk. I step back in wonder everyday at how much Tinker and Blue's bond has grown. How Blue has let go of her anger towards Tinker, because she is not Roo, how they both have flourished and grown. I miss Roo so much, I know Blue misses her too, each day the both of us live to honor her and her memory, understanding each other more then most Mother's and daughter's can........We may not talk about Roo much to the people around us, We may act like life has moved on, truth is we don't need to express through words anymore, those around us know how much we have suffered, how much we have fought to come back and learn how to live without Roo and through her memory, how lucky are we, that through a wink, smile, hug, or encouraging words, we know that everyone around us that loves us deeply, also carries our sweet Roo in their hearts.....
F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHH
blue raz
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