I've lost my funny..

I have. I keep trying to find it and just when I get a grasp on it the squirmy little thing gets away. I've always loved to make people laugh. The past few years I've been wayyy to serious. After so much has happened though it's tough getting my funny back.

This weekend we went away for another one of Blue's Gym meets. I was looking forward to a weekend of fun, working on getting my funny back, and a little omgosh we're away from home staying in a fancy schmancy hotel with a pool!! YAA!

Then there was vomit, Blue's worst meet of the season, avoiding the other gym parents because seriously they drive me effing bonkers sometimes. I guess that goes hand in hand with always feeling like I will never be able to relate to people that haven't been through a major tragedy and if I have to listen to you complain about the remodeling in your kitchen one more time I may just poke my eyeballs out.

I digress......All last week Blue's coach seemed well off. She was a bitch on wheels and I was more sensitive to her words probably because of my own complicated relationship with my Mother. Blue's coach, she totally rocks, in every way. She has 3 daughters, one who fought childhood cancer for years and won, the other two successful gymnasts and now successful career women. I love when Coach shares about her daughters, I love when she encourages me, I love when I realize that Blue is one of her favorites and I'm not just thinking she is in my own mind. I love when Coach called me and Blue everyday leading up to Roo's 5th birthday to talk to us and make sure we were OK...even though we already spend 20hrs a week together.

I'm mad at myself though. I thought I had learned to listen to the little voice in my head and to follow my gut. I wanted to call Coach after practice on Friday and ask her if she was OK? Her bitchiness had hit a new high and I know she's been through a lot this past year, I know she gets squirrely before big meets, everything inside of me was screaming call her and ask her if she's OK? and then the other stupid voice in my head so no....that's dumb...you'll sound stupid. So, I didn't call her.

I sat and talked to her for over an hr. yesterday as awards were being passed out. We joked about how the other parents drive us nuts. We talked about Blue. She looked better, seemed more relaxed, and in turn I felt relief. She told me she had a doc appt at 7:30 this morning. I didn't ask questions I didn't want to intrude. I know she's had a killer headache, her jaw has been hurting, and I've seen her grab her arm wayyy to many times lately at practice. But, she's strong, she teaches aerobics, she coaches the girls, she's one of the healthiest women I know.

The 3hr drive home from the meet yesterday took 6hrs due to an "unexpected ice storm." Ya NO SHIT!, I drove at 4mph and witnessed or almost became an accident more times then I ever want to count yesterday. I called Coach to warn her, she was driving about 45 min behind me. She answered me with the dismissive tone I can't stand, the one where I feel stupid. Like she didn't believe me.

1 inch of ice was covering the road. I've never been so afraid in all the years I've been driving. I saw accident upon accident. There was one I saw I knew was a fatality. I cried when I finally arrived safely at home last night and found out it was a 17yr old girl who lost her life....in the horrible crash. A beautiful 17yr old girl.

I hadn't heard back from Coach...I guessed she managed home OK and I didn't want to call her and feel stupid again. I spent all of today recovering from this weekend that held hope for me. The weekend where hope was long lost early and I felt like I was functioning on autopilot with superhuman strength just like I did when Roo was facing a crisis.

Around 5 this evening, Blue came bursting into my bedroom, I was sleeping, having a nightmare about Roo, I hit the ceiling when she screamed, "MOM, phone I'msosorrytowakeyouup-Aunt.saySOIMPORTANT!" Wha, huh, I put my phone to my ear....hello???

Coach had a massive heart attack this morning, she's in ICU, she's had surgery, I can't wrap my brain around it. I can't. I listened to what little details there were to be heard. I hung up. Shaking my head in disbelief. My next thought, How do I tell Blue???? I said prayers, I whispered to myself, You ass you should have called her on Friday and asked if she was OK!!! Guilt over being angry at her for being super bitch this week. The not knowing....the love I have for her, the admiration, the respect, even if she is a bitch at times, knowing the stress she has been facing recently because she's shared it with me, because in a way we are kindred spirits and understand each other through our tragedies in life.

God, we can't lose Coach, she has helped me and Blue heal so much! She has helped me find my funny when I thought it was long lost. She has helped Blue heal and become so confident in herself.

We all arrived safely home last night......we drove through all that ice, accident upon accident, we ALL got home safe. I've lost my funny again........it's not funny.......God really.....it's not funny.......

F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH