Thursday, February 19, 2009

I wish I was inside her head.

I would have loved to be inside of Tinker's head yesterday as we waited for her to be wheeled off to surgery. Her Dad, RosieD, and me all waiting in one room, loving and doting on her. I was a tad late in arrival, on purpose, to the hospital. I figured they could get her settled in and deal with the 1st set of tears and I didn't want her to feel overwhelmed by all of us doting on her. Cause, seriously, with RosieD, it's all about who is more loving blah blah blah.

I sprinted across the parking lot, waited for 5 mins. at the check in desk, held my breath, and when the receptionist finally asked me, "Can I help you?" I was relieved. She didn't even have to ask my name. She said, "You're Tinker's Mom aren't you? She told me to look for a Mommy with purple hair." All I could do was laugh......purple hair! My hair is anything but purple. It is a running inside joke between me and Tinker though.

I got to her room and there she was clutching her stuffed animals. RosieD immediately apologized to me for Tinker's calling my hair purple. I just chuckled and Tinker giggled. She was nervous, she was brave, it was Roo's angel anniversary day. Driving to the hospital, I had so many memories flood my mind. The early morning doctor and specialist visits. The early morning admissions for surgery and testing. It was hard to not think of all those things and my Roo. But, I needed to be as strong as I could for Tinker.

The surgery was short and successful. Tinker was a loop in recovery. RosieD tried to exert her control over me and I did not budge. I was there for Tinker, I was not leaving her side, no matter how much she pushed and prodded me. I chuckled again when the nurses asked her to leave because she was too loud and in the way. I chuckled when the ENT went over all post-op instructions while staring straight at RosieD and the Ex, twirled on his foot, and winked at me.

Tinker and I got home and took a nice rest together before Blue came home from school. She was still loopy when we laid down and cuddled. I asked her if she was nervous having all of us there. She said, "Noooope. RosieD never talks to me like that at Dada's house though. EVER." I asked her if she liked the way RosieD talked to her before and after surgery. Tinker said, "Yeeep." It saddens me to know that it was all just a show. RosieD has shared with me before how she is intimidated by my exceptional Mothering skills. LOL She needs to find some self-esteem.

I cuddled my Tinker, I tickled her back, I played with her hair, as she fell fast asleep all curled up with me. I smelt her sweet innocence, I ran my hand across her still baby smooth cheek, I thought about my "purple" hair. Mostly, I thanked God, this is her last surgery, she's with me till Sunday, and every night and everyday, I'll be showering her with all kinds of Mommy love, not because I have to, not because I feel I need to live up to this notion of Motherhood, only because she's my Tinker, my own unique, precious, brave, big hearted, loving, little girl.

Btw, no more martinis, I've cut myself off.........but still......


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Pretty Little Box....

I was feeling confident, happy, accomplished, somewhat healed, physically and mentally strong, content. Key word *was* Now I feel lost, angry, confused, indecisive, hurt, misinterpreted, misunderstood.

During the holidays, I was able to stuff my feelings of grief wayyyyyyyy down deep because in the grand scheme of things I wanted it to be a good holiday for the girlies. I didn't want them to see Mommy crying, I didn't want them to see Mommy hurting, I wanted them to see their Mommy whole, full, happy, singing and shining. Walking through grief is exhausting in every way and I don't believe it gets easier only different. Ebbs and flows.

In my life I guess I learned this habit of stuffing everything away, in my pretty little box inside, till I just explode. Growing up it wasn't important what I was feeling or going through. Everything and Everyone around me was always more important. My Mother and her issues, then my oldest sister and her issues, then my little sister and her issues, in between there I guess the putting everything and everyone 1st finally got me to the point where I was so physically ill from the stress I ended up with Mono and almost dying. And then in my late teens and 20s BOOM it happened. All those years of stuffing it away exploded in years of anger. What I learned from my Mother was to just run away. And run away I did, over, and over, and over again, state to state, and back again.

I never lived in one place long enough to have friends longer then a year, growing up or in adulthood. Maybe that's why I like the Internet so much. I know my words are being read but without the intimacy of real life. Make Sense? Because honestly, I really don't know how to do it. Have friendships or relationships that is. I see this pattern in myself, in my life right now, and I don't know what direction to take next. I can't run away anymore. All I can do is hide under my covers. And hiding under them is what I've been doing best the last 5 days.
When I did emerge from my room this weekend and yesterday I was just a ball of anger to those around me which wasn't fair. Blue knows well enough by now when I'm that way it's best to just hug me or stay away. It makes me sad. I grew up taking care of my Mother's emotional needs and I don't want that for Blue or Tinker. So the stuffing of feelings becomes more intense, more frequent, the pursuit of normalcy and perfection even greater.

There are behaviors I began early in my life too, I didn't realize until Skye was here and after which are unhealthy that I use to cope. When feeling out of control, when the feelings are too much to bear, the anger, the hurt, the frustration, the doubt, I cling to my coping skills.
What do you do when you are 31 years old and are trying to learn such basic things are friendships? When you don't have a clue to the rules or boundaries? What do you do? When these things should have been a part of your foundation in growing up and you never got the chance. I try, I try, and try some more, but somehow I end up getting to the result of where I am now. Which isn't such a bad thing. Because life is all about learning and I want to learn, grow, change, and become better at it.

I'm having heart palpitations badly. They're driving me nuts. I feel like I'm so uncomfortable in my skin that I wish I could just jump out. A feeling I haven't had in a longgggggg time. I guess sometimes I hurt others before they have the chance to hurt me. Or, I hurt myself before they have a chance to hurt me.

This isn't a pity blog. This is me trying to figure out what's the right thing to do. I need an emotional flush and right now I don't know how to do it. Usually, writing helps. My head is spinning and swimming. I'm restless. Crawling under the covers isn't going to work today. Who can I talk to that could possibly understand all of this?

I hate this time of year so much. HATE IT. I hate feeling like life is backsliding after putting in so much effort to get it to where I want it to be. I hate feeling like giving up and just saying eff it all. Giving in, crawling back in my shell, and realizing that just as when I was little girl, a teenager, a young woman, I can't express my feelings in the real world. To do so would make me vulnerable. To do so would make me feel weak. Even my written word has been used against me a time or two. Then I think well does it REALLY MATTER?? I don't know.

When I was 3-6 yrs old I was told, DON'T TELL, When my Mother started living her life out of the closet, I was told DON'T TELL, don't talk about it, I'll never forget the day in 6th grade that My Mother decided that we were moving and she didn't want my father to know. I wasn't allowed to say goodbye to my friends, I remember standing at the bus stop with my friends, wanting to tell them so bad, "Today, I'm moving far away, I don't know where to, this is the last time I will see you." I remember screaming it in my head and how bad the words just wanted to pop out of my mouth.

I guess now, words do pop out of my mouth at times. Because for so long I had no voice. For so long, I couldn't speak. It's a constant battle in my mind. I guess that's one thing I really miss about Roo being here too, laying next to her telling her everything I felt Good and Bad. I miss having my marathon talks with the nurses who so patiently listened to me ramble on and on about everything and anything. I still talk to Roo. But it's not the same.

I keep ppl at a distance in real life. If you know me in real life then you know exactly what I'm talking about. You see me then poof I'm gone for another few months or till next year. Sorry about that. I'm used to making it OK for everyone else. I've always done this in my life and even more so when Roo was here. I take it all in until I implode. I talk in riddles, I expect ppl to read my mind, because **gasp** If I say what I'm really feeling or thinking the consequences and punishment are far more worse then just keeping it stuffed all inside my pretty little box.

I'm strong, courageous, complicated, jaded, angry, grieving, lost, lonesome, hurting, have a big heart, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, an estranged sister, a sister that doesn't exsist, stubborn, intelligent, strong-willed, scared, hopeful, full of faith, growing, changing, stepping outside the box, withdrawn, reaching out, aching, wishful, doubtful, full of dreams, in the middle, on the edge, trying to find my way, trying to let go, and knowing no matter what most importantly, I SURVIVE.

Monday, February 16, 2009

I've lost my funny..

I have. I keep trying to find it and just when I get a grasp on it the squirmy little thing gets away. I've always loved to make people laugh. The past few years I've been wayyy to serious. After so much has happened though it's tough getting my funny back.

This weekend we went away for another one of Blue's Gym meets. I was looking forward to a weekend of fun, working on getting my funny back, and a little omgosh we're away from home staying in a fancy schmancy hotel with a pool!! YAA!

Then there was vomit, Blue's worst meet of the season, avoiding the other gym parents because seriously they drive me effing bonkers sometimes. I guess that goes hand in hand with always feeling like I will never be able to relate to people that haven't been through a major tragedy and if I have to listen to you complain about the remodeling in your kitchen one more time I may just poke my eyeballs out.

I digress......All last week Blue's coach seemed well off. She was a bitch on wheels and I was more sensitive to her words probably because of my own complicated relationship with my Mother. Blue's coach, she totally rocks, in every way. She has 3 daughters, one who fought childhood cancer for years and won, the other two successful gymnasts and now successful career women. I love when Coach shares about her daughters, I love when she encourages me, I love when I realize that Blue is one of her favorites and I'm not just thinking she is in my own mind. I love when Coach called me and Blue everyday leading up to Roo's 5th birthday to talk to us and make sure we were OK...even though we already spend 20hrs a week together.

I'm mad at myself though. I thought I had learned to listen to the little voice in my head and to follow my gut. I wanted to call Coach after practice on Friday and ask her if she was OK? Her bitchiness had hit a new high and I know she's been through a lot this past year, I know she gets squirrely before big meets, everything inside of me was screaming call her and ask her if she's OK? and then the other stupid voice in my head so no....that's'll sound stupid. So, I didn't call her.

I sat and talked to her for over an hr. yesterday as awards were being passed out. We joked about how the other parents drive us nuts. We talked about Blue. She looked better, seemed more relaxed, and in turn I felt relief. She told me she had a doc appt at 7:30 this morning. I didn't ask questions I didn't want to intrude. I know she's had a killer headache, her jaw has been hurting, and I've seen her grab her arm wayyy to many times lately at practice. But, she's strong, she teaches aerobics, she coaches the girls, she's one of the healthiest women I know.

The 3hr drive home from the meet yesterday took 6hrs due to an "unexpected ice storm." Ya NO SHIT!, I drove at 4mph and witnessed or almost became an accident more times then I ever want to count yesterday. I called Coach to warn her, she was driving about 45 min behind me. She answered me with the dismissive tone I can't stand, the one where I feel stupid. Like she didn't believe me.

1 inch of ice was covering the road. I've never been so afraid in all the years I've been driving. I saw accident upon accident. There was one I saw I knew was a fatality. I cried when I finally arrived safely at home last night and found out it was a 17yr old girl who lost her the horrible crash. A beautiful 17yr old girl.

I hadn't heard back from Coach...I guessed she managed home OK and I didn't want to call her and feel stupid again. I spent all of today recovering from this weekend that held hope for me. The weekend where hope was long lost early and I felt like I was functioning on autopilot with superhuman strength just like I did when Roo was facing a crisis.

Around 5 this evening, Blue came bursting into my bedroom, I was sleeping, having a nightmare about Roo, I hit the ceiling when she screamed, "MOM, phone I'msosorrytowakeyouup-Aunt.saySOIMPORTANT!" Wha, huh, I put my phone to my ear....hello???

Coach had a massive heart attack this morning, she's in ICU, she's had surgery, I can't wrap my brain around it. I can't. I listened to what little details there were to be heard. I hung up. Shaking my head in disbelief. My next thought, How do I tell Blue???? I said prayers, I whispered to myself, You ass you should have called her on Friday and asked if she was OK!!! Guilt over being angry at her for being super bitch this week. The not knowing....the love I have for her, the admiration, the respect, even if she is a bitch at times, knowing the stress she has been facing recently because she's shared it with me, because in a way we are kindred spirits and understand each other through our tragedies in life.

God, we can't lose Coach, she has helped me and Blue heal so much! She has helped me find my funny when I thought it was long lost. She has helped Blue heal and become so confident in herself.

We all arrived safely home last night......we drove through all that ice, accident upon accident, we ALL got home safe. I've lost my funny's not funny.......God's not funny.......


Friday, January 23, 2009


I was only gone a few days. 2 to be exact. I had to take Tinker to her follow up ENT appointment and schedule surgery for her. I came back today. My heart dropped out of my chest when I walked in. It was chaos. There was screaming, yelling, no structure, and the ones I have come to love, I could see their battle scars on the outside even more. They were about to take their math test. I could see what she was doing. I walked over to her and asked her if she wanted to talk, we went out in the hall.

I knelt on my knees as I always do when I'm in the hall. I looked up to her as she spoke to me. "My Mom told me she's going to bring me to the mental hospital. She said they are going to tie me down on a bed to make me stop." My heart shattered into little pieces but I couldn't let her see. The difference of me being gone 2 days, there was so much lost, so much pain she is enduring, which now is physically seen by all. I've been screaming to get her help. My hands tied, the only thing I could do was be there every day and talk to her. She told me, you haven't been here, I so mad and sad.

I looked up to her, looked at all the hair that was gone, her eyebrows, her clothes, dirty and too tight. She asked me, "Ms. FLUSSH, it doesn't even hurt when I do it, does that make me weird?" My response, no, no it does not. I told her, Blue has been to the hospital. She was surprised. I told her, you are not the only girl who does this to herself. She started to cry and said, "I thought I was the only one in the world who did this." At the hospital they will help you. They will not tie you down to a bed, you will meet other kids that are just like you, and they will give you medicine to help you also. She perked up, "Medicine, other kids like me?? People that can help me stop??"

On my knees, yes, you can get better. You will be able to stop. I took her hand, I smiled at her, I told her how much I believed in her, how smart and beautiful she is. I told her I will always be there to talk to. I told her the hospital wasn't scary, if she went there this weekend, she won't be tied down, it will help her. I told her in detail what will happen. She knows Blue, she trusts both Blue and myself, she knows that I'm telling her the truth. She is a BRAVE girl.

I stood up bent over eye to eye. I believe in you I told her. "Ms. FLUSSH, I don't know why I do this to myself." I told her that's OK...sometimes there's a reason sometimes there isn't. I asked her if she could concentrate on her math test. She said meekly, "Yes." I asked her if I could hug her. She said, "Yes." I know her clothes haven't been washed for days, I'm a huge germ freak, I wrapped my arms around her gave her a little hug. We walked back in the classroom.

The teacher had picked the clumps of hair up around her desk. She sat down, only raised her hand once to ask a question. When she raised her hand I was already onto the next tragedy of the day. I felt guilty. I graded the math tests tonight. A handful got all the questions right....a handful, and this little girl, who is so broken, she got an A+ and I am so proud. Part of me wishes she is there on Monday so I can give her praise and see her smile. Part of me hopes she's not there because she is at the hospital getting the emotional helps she needs and some medicine to help her stop what shes doing. I love them all so much, I am a frazzled mess not being there the past 2 days. I'm a frazzled mess because Tinker has to have surgery.

My heart it's still in pieces on the floor in the hallway. I have hope though. There is always hope! I will do everything and anything I can do, to love them, to listen, to let them know they are not alone. They are NOT ALONE. Their lives are just beginning, I want to so desperately help them to believe that they can do anything, they can succeed, they are not weird, they can do ANYTHING!!! I want them to know, when they are home, dealing with so much, Ms. Flussh believes, she hopes, so they can dream, believe and hope too!


Sunday, January 18, 2009

Post by Blue...

Butterflies, rainbows, and days with clouds in the sky, are what we call Roo signs. Per Blue's request....I'm sharing her recent masterpiece....


Butterflies are cupcakes flying in the sky.
They are a gentle kiss from a Mother.
Their gentle tongue tickles the flowers,
in which they drink from.
Butterflies are examples of a humans life,
starting and ending,
when their life and soul goes to...
the special place we dream of......


Saturday, January 17, 2009

I will PRAY........

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Today, I picked Tinker Tot up from school, and she was crying. When I asked her why...again she said.. "Dada and RosieD said bad things about you." I was expecting this to happen eventually since I have not been reacting to RosieD's struggle to control me. There were the nasty words shouted at me the other night, they've been bouncing around in my head, and I've been wondering if my Tinker heard them.

I had to make a difficult decision tonight and decided not to see Tinker for the next 2 weeks. I WILL NOT have my daughter in the middle of something they should be handling as adults. I will not react with anger or show them my frustration. I will miss Tinker with every fiber of my very being but, I feel this is what's best for her at the moment because.........this way.....whether I'm the bad guy or not.......she doesn't feel like she has to tell me........she doesn't have to get in my car after school, cry, and tell me Dada and RosieD said mean words. She doesn't have to cry, beg, and plead for me not to tell RosieD because she's afraid of getting in trouble.

I know there was a time I needed to have all control in my life. Because, I was so unhappy with myself. Losing Roo changed me, Blue Bell being happy again changed me. I know ex-idiot could not stand the control I tried to exert over him daily when we were married........I wonder if I am out of the equation and they really have to look at themselves.......if it will make a difference. I know in the short term, I will be branded the mother who doesn't care.......the bad mother.......they'll say I only think about Blue Bell........but as I sat holding my little Tinker crying in my arms today.......I know in my heart....... in the long run.......there will be peace. If I have to take the brunt of it so be it........but Tinker won't be getting in my car after school crying her little eyeballs out, she'll be safe from the feelings of being in the middle, or feeling like she has to tell me, even though I've told her I don't need to know everything that happens at Dada's house. IT's OK not to tell me about the bad words said about me... I talked to her about not seeing her....about just being at Dada's for a bit, and the tears stopped...she sighed in relief. I grew up in a divorced home...filled with angry words, used as a pawn by both my parents to hurt each other. I won't do that to Tinker. I won't let her feel that push and pull, feel the need to tell me things to feel loyal to me and then turn around and tell her Dada things so she feels loyal to him....She always leads her Dada to believe she doesn't have fun with me....because then well, Dada buys her ummm a HORSE! I won't contribute to her learning to be more manipulative. She was relieved..RELIEVED..when I asked her what she thought about taking a little break. It's exhausting emotionally on every level. I sent her to live with her Dada and RosieD when Roo was dying. I made the unselfish choice to do what I thought was in her best interests at the time. I didn't want her to be scared, be scarred, from witnessing Roo's painful death....but I didn't anticipate any of this. I didn't anticipate this emotional turmoil being released on her by her Dada and RosieD. I have a plan, it will take time, I have a goal, it will take patience.....for now my little 6yr old needs a break....and if I'm the one that has to be unselfish and take the emotional blows not seeing her...well...I can do it. For 2 weeks.

I've been called insane, a piece of shit, a bad mother, but I have yet to utter one mean spirited word in their direction. I won't sink to their level of playing dirty. Instead, I will do as I have always done since Roo died. I will pray.

and those prayers.....they will be's been a long time since I wrote this....8 months.....who knew that over these 8 months things would get so much worse....and then.....SO MUCH BETTER!!!


Friday, January 16, 2009

We all have a story....

We all have a story. The stories in our lives shape who we are, what we feel, what we believe. Your story is different then mine. Your story might be filled with alot more happiness, tragedy, ups and downs. We all wake up in the morning and some of us choose how we will feel and react to the happenings of our day. Some of us run on auto-pilot and do what we need to do just to survive the day. Some of us wear our blinders to live in denial of all the negativity around us. Some of us rip off those blinders and tackle the day thinking... what am I going to do differently to change the way I think, feel, react, LIVE???

I have a circle of friends that I am getting to know and become closer with everyday. I'm taking control back from RosieD and trying to forgive her for one of the most heinous things anyone has ever said to me. I'm enjoying my Tinker Tot and loving up the little bit of baby she still has left in her while being blown away by the extent of her intelligence. I'm forever changing and moving forward. I'm always living in the moment, taking it all in, challenging myself to be a better me and wondering where my story leads to next.

Some days I live in fear.....but it's fear that drives me. Some days I live in grief......but it's grief that drives me. Everyday I live with H.O.P.E........but it's hope that helps drive me to believe I can react, feel, change, love, live in all the ways I choose to. Lately, I feel judgemental. I sincerely detest judgemental people but lately, I find myself being one. Maybe judgemental isn't the right word. Maybe, because of my story, my journey, it has shaped the way in which I view the world. I look at myself and Blue Bell, I think of Roo I think of our journey together, what we all went through and had to overcome, and it makes me think, there is nothing in this world we can't accomplish if we set our mind to it. There is nothing we can't achieve.

So, when I see other people making excuses or allowances for things that are clearly unacceptable or because they don't know where to start or they don't know how to change their circumstances, I get angry, I get ^gulp^ whispersunderbreath-judgemental.

My story/journey in life has helped me to see that I can do anything......My girls are capable of doing anything, and yes my story is different then yours, your difficulties, my own, may be the same or different, but we still have choices.

Choice. Roo, didn't have a choice. There's alot of choices she didn't have. She couldn't do simple things in life we take for granted, She couldn't run across the room, She couldn't choose what to eat, She couldn't choose what toy to play with, She couldn't choose to change positions, She couldn't choose to live. God made her the way she was for a reason. And for that reason, I try to revel in every choice I make. The choice of how to react, the choice of how to live, the choice of what I will and will not accept in my life, the choice of something as simple as what to eat. Really, it's all so simple.

There's always fear of climbing the mountain. Climbing it, changing, growing is the hard part. The sweet reward is standing on the top looking at the view. Standing tall, knowing you tackled something so hard, beyond reach, but knowing you survived and grew. I feared to live after Roo died. I feared to feel. I feared to love. Fear is what drove me to climb the mountain. Sometimes, I wonder if I'll ever get to the top. When I look down and get a glimpse of the view, it's breathtaking. Everything I want is right within my reach. My story, my journey, my choice.

I'm going through a period of growing. Peeling back layers of feelings, trying to figure out how, when, why, it will be. Sitting with myself, my feelings, and looking at what choices I have. I'm grateful there are many. I know where I've been, I know the story of my past, it's the story of the here and now, the future, the choice to look forward, up, beyond, and keep climbing. I can move mountains, I can climb mountains, I can dig through them, either way I'll overcome with every choice I make.

Last night, I was proud of myself. It was a shining moment, a ah-ha kind of moment. 2 hard conversations where I was able to remain calm, cool, and collected. RosieD wants to be friends again. I simply can't. I won't....I might be able to forgive her in time...but even forgiveness can not give back the friendship she destroyed with 3 words. Three hateful, spiteful, ugly words. She called me last night and I asked her to stop, don't call, don't write, don't contact me. I'm too busy climbing my mountain, reaching my goals, fulfilling my dreams, to let anyone pull me down.

I felt success, I felt triumphant, and then it came toppling down when my best friend admitted to well...I guess the word is "stalking" me. And that to be told on another day. Cause, I'm holding onto feeling good, proud, and reaching my goals....standing on top of the mountain...and admiring the breath taking view. I am thisclose and nothing, no one, can take it from me or stop me.....