Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Pretty Little Box....

I was feeling confident, happy, accomplished, somewhat healed, physically and mentally strong, content. Key word *was* Now I feel lost, angry, confused, indecisive, hurt, misinterpreted, misunderstood.

During the holidays, I was able to stuff my feelings of grief wayyyyyyyy down deep because in the grand scheme of things I wanted it to be a good holiday for the girlies. I didn't want them to see Mommy crying, I didn't want them to see Mommy hurting, I wanted them to see their Mommy whole, full, happy, singing and shining. Walking through grief is exhausting in every way and I don't believe it gets easier only different. Ebbs and flows.

In my life I guess I learned this habit of stuffing everything away, in my pretty little box inside, till I just explode. Growing up it wasn't important what I was feeling or going through. Everything and Everyone around me was always more important. My Mother and her issues, then my oldest sister and her issues, then my little sister and her issues, in between there I guess the putting everything and everyone 1st finally got me to the point where I was so physically ill from the stress I ended up with Mono and almost dying. And then in my late teens and 20s BOOM it happened. All those years of stuffing it away exploded in years of anger. What I learned from my Mother was to just run away. And run away I did, over, and over, and over again, state to state, and back again.

I never lived in one place long enough to have friends longer then a year, growing up or in adulthood. Maybe that's why I like the Internet so much. I know my words are being read but without the intimacy of real life. Make Sense? Because honestly, I really don't know how to do it. Have friendships or relationships that is. I see this pattern in myself, in my life right now, and I don't know what direction to take next. I can't run away anymore. All I can do is hide under my covers. And hiding under them is what I've been doing best the last 5 days.
When I did emerge from my room this weekend and yesterday I was just a ball of anger to those around me which wasn't fair. Blue knows well enough by now when I'm that way it's best to just hug me or stay away. It makes me sad. I grew up taking care of my Mother's emotional needs and I don't want that for Blue or Tinker. So the stuffing of feelings becomes more intense, more frequent, the pursuit of normalcy and perfection even greater.

There are behaviors I began early in my life too, I didn't realize until Skye was here and after which are unhealthy that I use to cope. When feeling out of control, when the feelings are too much to bear, the anger, the hurt, the frustration, the doubt, I cling to my coping skills.
What do you do when you are 31 years old and are trying to learn such basic things are friendships? When you don't have a clue to the rules or boundaries? What do you do? When these things should have been a part of your foundation in growing up and you never got the chance. I try, I try, and try some more, but somehow I end up getting to the result of where I am now. Which isn't such a bad thing. Because life is all about learning and I want to learn, grow, change, and become better at it.

I'm having heart palpitations badly. They're driving me nuts. I feel like I'm so uncomfortable in my skin that I wish I could just jump out. A feeling I haven't had in a longgggggg time. I guess sometimes I hurt others before they have the chance to hurt me. Or, I hurt myself before they have a chance to hurt me.

This isn't a pity blog. This is me trying to figure out what's the right thing to do. I need an emotional flush and right now I don't know how to do it. Usually, writing helps. My head is spinning and swimming. I'm restless. Crawling under the covers isn't going to work today. Who can I talk to that could possibly understand all of this?

I hate this time of year so much. HATE IT. I hate feeling like life is backsliding after putting in so much effort to get it to where I want it to be. I hate feeling like giving up and just saying eff it all. Giving in, crawling back in my shell, and realizing that just as when I was little girl, a teenager, a young woman, I can't express my feelings in the real world. To do so would make me vulnerable. To do so would make me feel weak. Even my written word has been used against me a time or two. Then I think well does it REALLY MATTER?? I don't know.

When I was 3-6 yrs old I was told, DON'T TELL, When my Mother started living her life out of the closet, I was told DON'T TELL, don't talk about it, I'll never forget the day in 6th grade that My Mother decided that we were moving and she didn't want my father to know. I wasn't allowed to say goodbye to my friends, I remember standing at the bus stop with my friends, wanting to tell them so bad, "Today, I'm moving far away, I don't know where to, this is the last time I will see you." I remember screaming it in my head and how bad the words just wanted to pop out of my mouth.

I guess now, words do pop out of my mouth at times. Because for so long I had no voice. For so long, I couldn't speak. It's a constant battle in my mind. I guess that's one thing I really miss about Roo being here too, laying next to her telling her everything I felt Good and Bad. I miss having my marathon talks with the nurses who so patiently listened to me ramble on and on about everything and anything. I still talk to Roo. But it's not the same.

I keep ppl at a distance in real life. If you know me in real life then you know exactly what I'm talking about. You see me then poof I'm gone for another few months or till next year. Sorry about that. I'm used to making it OK for everyone else. I've always done this in my life and even more so when Roo was here. I take it all in until I implode. I talk in riddles, I expect ppl to read my mind, because **gasp** If I say what I'm really feeling or thinking the consequences and punishment are far more worse then just keeping it stuffed all inside my pretty little box.

I'm strong, courageous, complicated, jaded, angry, grieving, lost, lonesome, hurting, have a big heart, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, an estranged sister, a sister that doesn't exsist, stubborn, intelligent, strong-willed, scared, hopeful, full of faith, growing, changing, stepping outside the box, withdrawn, reaching out, aching, wishful, doubtful, full of dreams, in the middle, on the edge, trying to find my way, trying to let go, and knowing no matter what most importantly, I SURVIVE.

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