Friday, January 23, 2009


I was only gone a few days. 2 to be exact. I had to take Tinker to her follow up ENT appointment and schedule surgery for her. I came back today. My heart dropped out of my chest when I walked in. It was chaos. There was screaming, yelling, no structure, and the ones I have come to love, I could see their battle scars on the outside even more. They were about to take their math test. I could see what she was doing. I walked over to her and asked her if she wanted to talk, we went out in the hall.

I knelt on my knees as I always do when I'm in the hall. I looked up to her as she spoke to me. "My Mom told me she's going to bring me to the mental hospital. She said they are going to tie me down on a bed to make me stop." My heart shattered into little pieces but I couldn't let her see. The difference of me being gone 2 days, there was so much lost, so much pain she is enduring, which now is physically seen by all. I've been screaming to get her help. My hands tied, the only thing I could do was be there every day and talk to her. She told me, you haven't been here, I so mad and sad.

I looked up to her, looked at all the hair that was gone, her eyebrows, her clothes, dirty and too tight. She asked me, "Ms. FLUSSH, it doesn't even hurt when I do it, does that make me weird?" My response, no, no it does not. I told her, Blue has been to the hospital. She was surprised. I told her, you are not the only girl who does this to herself. She started to cry and said, "I thought I was the only one in the world who did this." At the hospital they will help you. They will not tie you down to a bed, you will meet other kids that are just like you, and they will give you medicine to help you also. She perked up, "Medicine, other kids like me?? People that can help me stop??"

On my knees, yes, you can get better. You will be able to stop. I took her hand, I smiled at her, I told her how much I believed in her, how smart and beautiful she is. I told her I will always be there to talk to. I told her the hospital wasn't scary, if she went there this weekend, she won't be tied down, it will help her. I told her in detail what will happen. She knows Blue, she trusts both Blue and myself, she knows that I'm telling her the truth. She is a BRAVE girl.

I stood up bent over eye to eye. I believe in you I told her. "Ms. FLUSSH, I don't know why I do this to myself." I told her that's OK...sometimes there's a reason sometimes there isn't. I asked her if she could concentrate on her math test. She said meekly, "Yes." I asked her if I could hug her. She said, "Yes." I know her clothes haven't been washed for days, I'm a huge germ freak, I wrapped my arms around her gave her a little hug. We walked back in the classroom.

The teacher had picked the clumps of hair up around her desk. She sat down, only raised her hand once to ask a question. When she raised her hand I was already onto the next tragedy of the day. I felt guilty. I graded the math tests tonight. A handful got all the questions right....a handful, and this little girl, who is so broken, she got an A+ and I am so proud. Part of me wishes she is there on Monday so I can give her praise and see her smile. Part of me hopes she's not there because she is at the hospital getting the emotional helps she needs and some medicine to help her stop what shes doing. I love them all so much, I am a frazzled mess not being there the past 2 days. I'm a frazzled mess because Tinker has to have surgery.

My heart it's still in pieces on the floor in the hallway. I have hope though. There is always hope! I will do everything and anything I can do, to love them, to listen, to let them know they are not alone. They are NOT ALONE. Their lives are just beginning, I want to so desperately help them to believe that they can do anything, they can succeed, they are not weird, they can do ANYTHING!!! I want them to know, when they are home, dealing with so much, Ms. Flussh believes, she hopes, so they can dream, believe and hope too!


Sunday, January 18, 2009

Post by Blue...

Butterflies, rainbows, and days with clouds in the sky, are what we call Roo signs. Per Blue's request....I'm sharing her recent masterpiece....


Butterflies are cupcakes flying in the sky.
They are a gentle kiss from a Mother.
Their gentle tongue tickles the flowers,
in which they drink from.
Butterflies are examples of a humans life,
starting and ending,
when their life and soul goes to...
the special place we dream of......


Saturday, January 17, 2009

I will PRAY........

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Today, I picked Tinker Tot up from school, and she was crying. When I asked her why...again she said.. "Dada and RosieD said bad things about you." I was expecting this to happen eventually since I have not been reacting to RosieD's struggle to control me. There were the nasty words shouted at me the other night, they've been bouncing around in my head, and I've been wondering if my Tinker heard them.

I had to make a difficult decision tonight and decided not to see Tinker for the next 2 weeks. I WILL NOT have my daughter in the middle of something they should be handling as adults. I will not react with anger or show them my frustration. I will miss Tinker with every fiber of my very being but, I feel this is what's best for her at the moment because.........this way.....whether I'm the bad guy or not.......she doesn't feel like she has to tell me........she doesn't have to get in my car after school, cry, and tell me Dada and RosieD said mean words. She doesn't have to cry, beg, and plead for me not to tell RosieD because she's afraid of getting in trouble.

I know there was a time I needed to have all control in my life. Because, I was so unhappy with myself. Losing Roo changed me, Blue Bell being happy again changed me. I know ex-idiot could not stand the control I tried to exert over him daily when we were married........I wonder if I am out of the equation and they really have to look at themselves.......if it will make a difference. I know in the short term, I will be branded the mother who doesn't care.......the bad mother.......they'll say I only think about Blue Bell........but as I sat holding my little Tinker crying in my arms today.......I know in my heart....... in the long run.......there will be peace. If I have to take the brunt of it so be it........but Tinker won't be getting in my car after school crying her little eyeballs out, she'll be safe from the feelings of being in the middle, or feeling like she has to tell me, even though I've told her I don't need to know everything that happens at Dada's house. IT's OK not to tell me about the bad words said about me... I talked to her about not seeing her....about just being at Dada's for a bit, and the tears stopped...she sighed in relief. I grew up in a divorced home...filled with angry words, used as a pawn by both my parents to hurt each other. I won't do that to Tinker. I won't let her feel that push and pull, feel the need to tell me things to feel loyal to me and then turn around and tell her Dada things so she feels loyal to him....She always leads her Dada to believe she doesn't have fun with me....because then well, Dada buys her ummm a HORSE! I won't contribute to her learning to be more manipulative. She was relieved..RELIEVED..when I asked her what she thought about taking a little break. It's exhausting emotionally on every level. I sent her to live with her Dada and RosieD when Roo was dying. I made the unselfish choice to do what I thought was in her best interests at the time. I didn't want her to be scared, be scarred, from witnessing Roo's painful death....but I didn't anticipate any of this. I didn't anticipate this emotional turmoil being released on her by her Dada and RosieD. I have a plan, it will take time, I have a goal, it will take patience.....for now my little 6yr old needs a break....and if I'm the one that has to be unselfish and take the emotional blows not seeing her...well...I can do it. For 2 weeks.

I've been called insane, a piece of shit, a bad mother, but I have yet to utter one mean spirited word in their direction. I won't sink to their level of playing dirty. Instead, I will do as I have always done since Roo died. I will pray.

and those prayers.....they will be's been a long time since I wrote this....8 months.....who knew that over these 8 months things would get so much worse....and then.....SO MUCH BETTER!!!


Friday, January 16, 2009

We all have a story....

We all have a story. The stories in our lives shape who we are, what we feel, what we believe. Your story is different then mine. Your story might be filled with alot more happiness, tragedy, ups and downs. We all wake up in the morning and some of us choose how we will feel and react to the happenings of our day. Some of us run on auto-pilot and do what we need to do just to survive the day. Some of us wear our blinders to live in denial of all the negativity around us. Some of us rip off those blinders and tackle the day thinking... what am I going to do differently to change the way I think, feel, react, LIVE???

I have a circle of friends that I am getting to know and become closer with everyday. I'm taking control back from RosieD and trying to forgive her for one of the most heinous things anyone has ever said to me. I'm enjoying my Tinker Tot and loving up the little bit of baby she still has left in her while being blown away by the extent of her intelligence. I'm forever changing and moving forward. I'm always living in the moment, taking it all in, challenging myself to be a better me and wondering where my story leads to next.

Some days I live in fear.....but it's fear that drives me. Some days I live in grief......but it's grief that drives me. Everyday I live with H.O.P.E........but it's hope that helps drive me to believe I can react, feel, change, love, live in all the ways I choose to. Lately, I feel judgemental. I sincerely detest judgemental people but lately, I find myself being one. Maybe judgemental isn't the right word. Maybe, because of my story, my journey, it has shaped the way in which I view the world. I look at myself and Blue Bell, I think of Roo I think of our journey together, what we all went through and had to overcome, and it makes me think, there is nothing in this world we can't accomplish if we set our mind to it. There is nothing we can't achieve.

So, when I see other people making excuses or allowances for things that are clearly unacceptable or because they don't know where to start or they don't know how to change their circumstances, I get angry, I get ^gulp^ whispersunderbreath-judgemental.

My story/journey in life has helped me to see that I can do anything......My girls are capable of doing anything, and yes my story is different then yours, your difficulties, my own, may be the same or different, but we still have choices.

Choice. Roo, didn't have a choice. There's alot of choices she didn't have. She couldn't do simple things in life we take for granted, She couldn't run across the room, She couldn't choose what to eat, She couldn't choose what toy to play with, She couldn't choose to change positions, She couldn't choose to live. God made her the way she was for a reason. And for that reason, I try to revel in every choice I make. The choice of how to react, the choice of how to live, the choice of what I will and will not accept in my life, the choice of something as simple as what to eat. Really, it's all so simple.

There's always fear of climbing the mountain. Climbing it, changing, growing is the hard part. The sweet reward is standing on the top looking at the view. Standing tall, knowing you tackled something so hard, beyond reach, but knowing you survived and grew. I feared to live after Roo died. I feared to feel. I feared to love. Fear is what drove me to climb the mountain. Sometimes, I wonder if I'll ever get to the top. When I look down and get a glimpse of the view, it's breathtaking. Everything I want is right within my reach. My story, my journey, my choice.

I'm going through a period of growing. Peeling back layers of feelings, trying to figure out how, when, why, it will be. Sitting with myself, my feelings, and looking at what choices I have. I'm grateful there are many. I know where I've been, I know the story of my past, it's the story of the here and now, the future, the choice to look forward, up, beyond, and keep climbing. I can move mountains, I can climb mountains, I can dig through them, either way I'll overcome with every choice I make.

Last night, I was proud of myself. It was a shining moment, a ah-ha kind of moment. 2 hard conversations where I was able to remain calm, cool, and collected. RosieD wants to be friends again. I simply can't. I won't....I might be able to forgive her in time...but even forgiveness can not give back the friendship she destroyed with 3 words. Three hateful, spiteful, ugly words. She called me last night and I asked her to stop, don't call, don't write, don't contact me. I'm too busy climbing my mountain, reaching my goals, fulfilling my dreams, to let anyone pull me down.

I felt success, I felt triumphant, and then it came toppling down when my best friend admitted to well...I guess the word is "stalking" me. And that to be told on another day. Cause, I'm holding onto feeling good, proud, and reaching my goals....standing on top of the mountain...and admiring the breath taking view. I am thisclose and nothing, no one, can take it from me or stop me.....


Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Friday, December 17, 2004HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY PRINCESS Roo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe that Roo is 1 today. When she was born I had no clue the journey we were about to begin. I had no clue that in this last year Roo would help me to heal family relationships, teach me how strong I can be, bring Tinker's Dad back into her life, and touch everyone that meets her. I have learned so much from this little girl of mine, so much about life. I cherish everyday I have with her. I don't think that I will ever be able to truly accept everything that has happened to her. Bu,t I believe that I am ready to live again for my children, to give Roo much love and happiness everyday as she gives to those around her.

All of my friends just absolutely fell in love with her last week. Every minute of the day someone was holding her and she just loved it. I know you all are waiting for details, I'm just so busy living again.Her appt was awesome we go back on Jan 3 for testing. They are going to do the skin biopsy again, evoked potential testing on her eyes, eeg, mri, gi, pulmo, cardio, another swallowing study, we are gonna be busy. The doctor at the clinic put his initial diagnosis as Metabolic encephalopathy, mental retardation, failure to thrive, and short stature. Roo has not really grown since she was 8 months old. Her head circumference is the same, her weight up and down if we could hit 17 lbs and keep going I would be a happy mommy!, and her length has been the same for 4 months. I told the doctor, I know she is the way she is, but I would like a diagnosis to at least have something to go by. He said that there is a 30% chance we may not find one. He will go as far as I want to go in looking. He confirmed what I already knew about this being progressive. He would like to try the mito cocktail or something like that but he wants to do his testing 1st. I told him I was moving up in Feb. and was surprised when he said that the testing can't wait till then.

So, we are on a better path, still not a great one, but better!Roo has been doing OK, she has another ear infection she needs tubes. Her breathing is awful and I'm so sick and tired of bringing her to the doctor and them telling me its because she has no productive cough and that's just the way it is. I mean there's got be something I can do to get that crap out her throat and chest. I have been doing chest pt that her therapist taught me, I can move some of it but not always. I'm doing breathing treatments and just praying it gets better.She's also been having trouble pooping lately. It seems like she is just not strong enough to push it out, poor thing. She just tries so hard and nothing so me and mostly her dad have been helping her out. I tried some mineral oil to see if that would help and after 3 days still nothing so we'll see.

After being in Ohio last week, around my family and friends, I feel a great sense of peace. I know that whatever happens I will be OK, that my girls and I are surrounded by love, and Roo's life will change people and touch them. It's awesome just to watch my friends hold her, I can see in their eyes the love, and how she just literally melts their heart.

updated: Roo did touch so many lives and change people. I am forever grateful for what she gave here on earth. Blue Bells' 1st gym meet was on the 18th last year, this year the championships are on the 18th. I met a Mom and little girl last year at Blue's 1st gym meet. The little baby girl had Mito, what are the odds, I like to believe that many of Blue's meets are on the 18th to remind us that Roo is still with us and proud of the both of us. For the Mom I am able to be despite her loss, for the wonderful, amazing, shining, girl Blue is, despite having watched Roo die a slow death. She would be 5 now, I'm sure fighting with Tinker over my affection and attention, Blue being annoyed by both her little sissies, God chose this path that we all walk. I step back in wonder everyday at how much Tinker and Blue's bond has grown. How Blue has let go of her anger towards Tinker, because she is not Roo, how they both have flourished and grown. I miss Roo so much, I know Blue misses her too, each day the both of us live to honor her and her memory, understanding each other more then most Mother's and daughter's can........We may not talk about Roo much to the people around us, We may act like life has moved on, truth is we don't need to express through words anymore, those around us know how much we have suffered, how much we have fought to come back and learn how to live without Roo and through her memory, how lucky are we, that through a wink, smile, hug, or encouraging words, we know that everyone around us that loves us deeply, also carries our sweet Roo in their hearts.....F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHHblue raz

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


Thursday, May 03, 2007

Yes, I've been quiet. Kind of strange for me but I have been. I haven't talked to anybody, haven't called anybody, haven't posted a "Have a great week!", "Have a sunshine day!", haven't imed anybody, zip, zero, nada. I've thought and re-thought about posting a blog a thousand times and well there's lots of stuff to say but it's all just stuck up in my head rolling around over and over again. Yes, I know some of you miss me, miss my rambling blogs, miss my rambling ims, miss my rambling voice (if your lucky enough to even get me one the phone ha lol) I miss me too. I'm trying to find myself again and get out of this bacteria infected haze I find myself in. OH wait, that's bacteria infected body. Yes, I'm lucky enough to have been infected with MRSA. Don't know what that is looky here Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA) infection Lucky girl am I not???

My life was going along nicely. Working here and there. Running with the buggers. Making good family memories. Yes, I feel the need to make good family memories everyday to make up for the loss, to make up for all the times Mommy was gone at the hospital with sissy, or gone because I was in the hospital myself. And yes, I was doing a pretty darn good job of it all until an alien sprouted on my stomach and decided to try to crawl from the inside out. Cut off at the knees AGAIN. For those "real" life ppl that know me, that have seen this and that happen to me over and over again, I know you all know what I know already, Yes, I'll be OK. Might be another week or month but once again I'll be somewhat happy and joyfully enjoying my pressure filled days of chasing perfection.

Recently, I keep saying I'm in purgatory. I have to be. Because this life of mine. The really good stuff does not outweigh the pure crappiness of some of my life situations. I keep thinking what is it that I did to be stuck here. I keep thinking it's not the decisions I'm making, I don't do self-inflicted drama anymore. Yeah, I got dealt a pretty crappy hand in life in general but me, who has been called a pessimist more times then I can count, has to be a true optimist. Or have an UNending glassful of HOPE. Because ,that is the only way I find myself getting through every day of my life. Hope that it will be better. Hope that physically and emotionally I will be better, Hope, when I see my children's smiling little faces at the end of a really good day, where their Mommy laughed, smiled, cried, danced, hugged, kissed, and screamed you drive me crazy and I love you more then 2000 times, Hope that life WILL BE GOOD, Hope that all this hoping will get me somewhere.

This darn MRSA infection is throwing me physically and emotionally for a great huge loop-de-loop with wayyyyyyyyy too much time on my hands to think. Me being bored is not a good thing in any shape or form. I'm thinking though in the grand scheme of things, I need more then just HOPE. Maybe I need to believe in that hope and that will get me somewhere. Sounds good in theory right??? LOL.

So for all of you missing me, thank you for the I'm missing you and worried about you emails. Thanks for calling me from a private number because if you know me all that well you know that I can't resist answering the phone AT ALL when it says private number. Then, I answer and realize dayum I got nabbed again, roll my eyeballs and 30 seconds into the conversation start thanking God that my phone actually rang. Nope, it wasn't shut off from lack of payment, have the money to pay it just not the will to write out the check or call to pay it. It still works darn thing.

Have I been smiling? Not much. Pleasant to talk too, ummmm if you've imed me or called me, you be the judge. Sick as a dog wishing for death at times, Yep that'd be me. What keeps me going you ask? Hope. One lovely four letter word. H.O.P.E. That today will be a better day. And as I sit here in my house all by myself, cruising the Internet, and avoiding just about everybody, watching my shows on TV after they have been dvred only because I can't watch t.v. without hitting fast forward and get mad when it says live TV, and waiting for the best part of my day, picking my Blue Bell up from school.

Yes, the best part of my day. That 45 min trek I make back and forth. Praying the whole way there that my little tween had a good day, thinking of this and that, and realizing that I'm even becoming too lazy to change the radio station when there's a totally sucky song on, living for the moment when she blasts herself into my car like Kramer on Seinfeld. Yes, that is the moment I live for. Will I have to listen to her whine today and cringe the whole way home thinking, man the rest of this day is gonna SUCK, or if I'm really lucky listen to her sing, smile, and tattle on and on about her day and think to myself, yes this is what life is. Being a MOM to this wonderful kid. The one who throws her underwear on her head and dances around the house to get her Mom to freak out and laugh her ass off all at the same time, because she knows her Mom is pretty sad, not good at faking it, and dayum somebody better resort to some drastic measures to get this women laughing and smiling again. Some might say she has issues, I just say lookee here, She's got me as a Mom, and in the big picture that can be a good and bad thing, where do you think she learned the whole I'll make ya laugh with my tinkerbell underwear on my head stint anyways??

But, I'm rambling and going off on tangents again. In my life, I've always thought of myself under rubble trying to claw my way out. Even before I lost my Roo. Even before she was a thought in my mind. See, being cut off at the knees when life seems to be sailing along quite nicely happens to me A LOT. Yes yes, we all have big, bad things happen to us. That's life. But me, I still want to know why in the hell do I get stuck with the "I've never heard of that" fill in the blank. Why I endlessly keep drawing up the short end of the stick. But I could question that all day long. My life is what it is. And each and every single day I fill it with Hope and wait for whatever it is facing me around the next corner.

Sometimes when I'm lucky, it's my lovely tween just waiting to casually walk by and give me a wet willy in my ear or if I'm lucky having 5 min of quiet time thinking hmmmmmm it's way too quiet around here before she pounces into the room, underwear on head and all, singing away, and laughing my little heart out. Yep, that's the good stuff.

Don't judge, snicker a little, yeah she may have issues, but then again I'm her Mommy.


Monday, January 12, 2009

My body always remembers......

My body always remembers no matter how hard I try to keep busy. No matter how hard I try to block out the date. It's there. The 18th. Looming every month as another month gone by since I held my baby. Since I've seen her laugh and smile. Since I've held her curled up in my arms, next to me, rubbing her little hand, and laying cheek to cheek. Sleeping with her in my arms, holding her forehead so that she could rest without the constant movement from her involuntary moments.
My heart is aching. It's so weird to live life, be happy, live normally, get up day after day, get dressed, smile and laugh and make new memories with the girlies, and then wake up one day and feel like all my emotional progress has just been wiped away, but so goes the journey of grief.
I'm finally better from this last round of illness I battled for 3 weeks. More tests on Thurs and possibly a muscle biopsy. It was hard and daunting but I must say that now when I get sick, I don't get depressed. It is a fact of my life. I learned from Roo that I can get through anything. When I'm so struck down physically, I draw from Roo's strength, her spirit, she always fought so hard. I know that no matter what ickie weird infection that may strike me down I will always bounce right back up. Takes time, but I do.
When Roo was alive I always felt if I had enough will for her to live she would. I would guess most mothers would feel the same in that situation. We have to, in order to survive the pain, in order to get by each and everyday of watching lose a little piece of our children, to a horrible disease. I've learned to take that strong emotion, that strong emotional will, and apply it to myself now when I get sick. It is true what they say, if you think good things, they will happen.
On a lighter note, because yes, life has been bright, shiny, and happy lately!!!! Blue
Bell got straight A's again and Tinker Tot is closer to being home full time!!! Oh, my girlies are growing up!! I have a busy day lying ahead of me and needed to get my grief feelings out, to start my day. So, I guess this is a selfish blog, it's just for me, because in my real life, I can't walk around today saying, ohhhh how my heart just hurts today, ohhh Roo is on my mind with every breath I take, with every beat of my heart, with every thought passing through my mind.

Honestly, this past week, I've been shiny and upbeat, feeling SO MUCH BETTER PHYSICALLY PRAISE GOD!!! and living in the moment. Following the new journey that God has placed before me, cherishing, and loving every moment of it. What I do with my days, lifts my spirit, and helps me to be able to give back into the world. Helps the girlies to see their Mommy in a new light, in a different way, and the positive impact far outweighs anything else.
I have had peace and healing come into my heart. The positive in my life, the steps forward I am making are truly remarkable. The way I view the world through my eyes is forever changed because of my Roo. I see so much goodness, I see the potential in every child that is close to me, I can see past so much to see the goodness, something I wasn't ever able to do before. Isn't it amazing how one little tiny girl change so much in so short a time?????
No matter how hard I try to forget she is no longer here. No matter how hard I try to forget the pain, no matter how hard I strive to maintain the positive and goodness I am surrounded by, my body never forgets. It hurts, it stings, but also where I am now, I take a moment feel it, refocus, stand back up tall, take a breath wipe away my tears, and know that my baby is shining down on me, through me, through her sissies, proud of us all, and saying GO MOMMY GO!!! Grab your dreams, grab your ambition, grab that happiness that lies right there before you, and I do. I'm holding on to it tightly, this journey God has placed before me, to help me to heal, and at the same time help others by reaching out through love.
No matter how hard I try to forget, what I do with my days, everyday, is the same thing I did for my Roo when she was alive here on earth. It's positive, it's giving, it's providing that strong sense of will to others, it's adding goodness to the world. it's emotional, it's giving, it's draining, BUT IT GIVES BACK SO MUCH MORE. Fills my spirit, fills my emotional emptiness, fills my heart.
Let the day begin, no more tears, there is much work to be done. I'll be smiling today, breathing, enjoying my healthy body (for the moment) and watch little miracles happen.
No matter how hard I try to forget, my body always remembers, and my spirit gets stronger as I feel God and Roo give me the will to reach my goals and dreams.
How wonderfully blessed am I??? I can't even put it into words. I miss Roo, I miss Tinker(she's at the ex-idiots), Blue is finally sleeping........I'm sitting here bracing myself for the 18th......This month...the 18th...I'll be sitting at Blue's gym meet, cheering her on, holding my breath as she begins each routine...thinking how things have come full circle. Blue started back at gym the day we buried Roo, now, she's a star gymnast, shining and beaming, reaching the podium, her room filled with medals and trophies. A young girl that works so hard, loves what she can do, and has a greater understanding on what a gift it is to be able to flip, fly, and twirl. All the while, knowing our Roo, is smiling down, watching us, watching me beam with pride, my heart swell with joy, as Blue continues to succeed and impress everyone with her will and's no wonder those 2 had a bond like no other............2 born into a broken body with a huge spirit...and one that is finally able to do what she memory of her word that sums up my life....BITTERSWEET. F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH mango martini.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Could it be over?

Sometimes I feel like my life is over. Between the loss of my Roo and the not so good relationships and friendships I've had it's hard to believe there is still hope. I've lived here for 3 1/2 yrs now and it's just recently, I finally feel I'm trying to build myself a life. A life filled with positive people. Some days, I just go through the motions of living and for awhile I was perfectly satisfied with that. Always taking steps forward but almost sleep-walking through life. My life has never been traditional neither in my childhood or adulthood. I talked with my Dad for a long time yesterday. I love talking to my Dad. He is a man that is filled with wisdom and has an amazing capacity for being objective. He said to me, "I don't know what normal is but it sounds like you've finally found the way to balance yours." How true is that.

I'm constantly analyzing things. How I feel, Am I a good Mother?, is this person or that person a good influence in my life and the girlies, what are my goals, how to achieve them......One thing I've done since Roo died was concentrate all my energy on Blue Bell and Tinker Tot. Putting everything I have into them. It's truly the 1st time I've been a single parent and it's been hard but also I've come to realize something, I can and am doing quite well.

I'm a person that doesn't like to be alone. I know this and accept it. My Mother jumped from relationship to relationship growing up and it's a pattern I have myself. After Roo though, I know what I will not accept and will accept in a relationship and I've decided I won't settle for anything less. Living life and appearing to live life are 2 different things. I'm a highly emotional person duh LOL if you read my ramblings that's not hard to figure out. Stepping out of my comfort zone is something I'm always doing. Something my Dad taught me long ago.......with graphs and pictures even LOL. Thing is though, I've been stepping out of my comfort zone.....but keeping my emotions locked up.

Now, few have found the key to get me to open up. Few have been brave and patient enough to stand by me as they witness my moods and emotions fluctuate all over the place. I want to be able to share my life with someone and be as open as I know I can be. But, when I open up, let down my walls, it scares the living crap out of me, and the self-doubt that doesn't exist comes pouring out. Right now, it's one of the biggest hurdles I'm trying to overcome. Because, I can't endure any more disappointment. I don't want to endure anymore hurt. But, I wear my heart on my sleeve, when I open it up. The hope is exhilarating. The doubt is crippling. Two extremes. How do I balance that?

I have no patience in waiting to see what will be or what is. I want to know NOW but that's not how life works. I am choosing to walk around with myself exposed to the world right now. Sharing my feelings in real life and here in this blog. I feel vulnerable. I don't like it. But it's necessary. Because my life is NOT over. It's a new beginning. It's a fresh start. A new chapter. I've just always been the type of person to read the last page of a new book to see how it ends before I even know how it began.

My emotions are all over the place. And for the most part they are good. Happy, hopeful, smiling, laughing..........and I want to hold onto all of that as firmly as I can. Because sometimes there are happy endings right????


Please take a looky

and Vote.....I'm not all that good to linking back and all the fancy jazzy bloggy stuff yet......But, this blog c jane enjoy it should definitely should not lose to a blog about cars! Good Luck Cjane!


Saturday, January 10, 2009

It's Boring....

It's been one of those days. Snowed in, Blue Bell and Tinker Tot playing together, fighting, playing together fighting. I finally made Tinker lay down with me and take a nap since she's been sick lately. She's 6 and still will take a 3 hr nap, go to bed on time, and still sleep 12hrs, and still need a nap. Blue Bell never sleeps. She's never slept through the night since the day she was born and despite medication to help, ADHD and PTSD, she still never sleeps. She was up at 2am last night trying to steal her DS from under my arm. Yes, I was sleeping with it like it was my most favorite stuffed animal. It did keep the girlies quiet for a full 30 mins yesterday....I do have rules though...No DS in the bedroom! Cause I know Blue all too well. She'll wake up and play that thing ALL NIGHT LONG..and be a major cranky tween ALL DAY LONG.

Today has been boring. Boring......never thought I would come to a point in my life where it was BORING. I love boring...just about as much as I love technology and the DS. It's taken me a long time to accept boring as our "new normal." I was used to our lives being dictated on how Roo was doing everyday. Then, I felt guilty after she was gone. There were no medical companies to scream at, "Where is our 02 tank?? WE NEED IT NOW!" There were no 20 billion phone calls a day to fight with insurance companies over new equipment, no PT, no OT, no doctors appointments to keep up with, no going through her dresser of supplies figuring out what I needed to order next. No 90 min routine of drawing up meds in syringes to put through her g-tube, no 30 min. neb txs, no setting up her feeding bag and calculating how long the feeding pump should run, no vest txs, no changing of her broviac and g-tube dressing......are you getting a picture here?

Now, I'm busy listening to Blue and Tinker fight and play. One minute the love each other the next there's yelling. I love every time one of them comes to me and says sissy did this, sissy did that, while I sit and listen to their side of the story, like I didn't hear the whole sissy disagreement cause I'm sitting right in the next room. Then I tell the both of them....get along or ELSE!!! Ya, that tactic always works well.

I love that my girls play together and fight together. Their lives aren't dictated by how many seizures Roo had today, Blue Bell isn't asking me over and over again if she can empty Roo's foley bag, Tinker Tot isn't sequestered away at her Dad's house. Their fighting over silly sissy stuff. "Normal" sibling stuff. Their lives are just beginning. I feared for so long that Blue wouldn't be able to get her childhood back. In some ways, she won't. She witnessed death at such a young age, close up and personal. Tinker Tot's memories are faded and foggy at best.

Hopefully, this will be the worst tragedy of my life. In my 30s....losing my Roo......Hopefully, the chapters of Blue Bell's and Tinker Tot's life will be filled with more JOY then heartache. While I do WANT TO RIP OUT MY HAIR every time I hear "MOOOOOOOOM! Sissy isn't playing NICE!!" I'm so forever grateful that I have these 2 wonderful, bright, annoying, playful, do they know what NO means?, squishy, lovie, little girls.

Today, like every new day, is a new page in our journey. A fresh page waiting to be written. It's just taken awhile for this Mom to get used to the page being written by Blue and Tinker. And not filled up by Roo. It is their time to SHINE.....or fight....wherever the moment takes them. Today was boring......"normal" whatever you want to call it. The best part though.....was when they were quiet for 35 mins....then came bursting in the room, their faces covered in make-up....and I just had to watch their show, play, they made up. Being snowed in isn't all that bad. It was wonderful to watch their imaginations work together.....even though at the end of the play they smacked each other.


Friday, January 9, 2009

I cry for Roo

I cry for you today sweet Roo.

So, here I sit with tears streaming down my face. I'm tired. Tired of many things and yet grateful for so many things. I feel conflicted inside I don't know I just guess it's where I am in my grief. I just sat and watched the video I made for Roo. I watch it everyday and most days it makes me happy but today it made me cry. Yes ,the 18th is coming, I am more emotional. Feelings that I thought I could bury and let go have reared their ugly head in my heart.

I don't have hatred, I don't have regret, I have a bit of anger, but that's only because of judgements placed on me by others. Now, I should be the 1st to know that I should not let what others think about me bother me. What bothers me so much and what I try so hard NOT to think about is the perception of what people think happened at the end of your life. I fought so hard for you, my baby, with every ounce of my being and soul. I spent so many hours on the phone with doctors, hours at the specialists, hours doing research, hours holding you while you seized and not being able to do a dayum thing about it, hours laying next to you watching you sleep praying out to GOD please SAVE MY BABY. When I was still in thatstinkinstate I believed that if I moved to Ohio, got better doctors, and all the medical equipment I needed to keep you alive that you would LIVE. I believed I could save you Roo, I believed with all the love I had for my sweet girl, I could SAVE MY ROO.

It wasn't until the day when I met with her epilepsy neuro and her metabolic neuro and they told me that she had atrophy of her brain, meaning it was shrinking and liquefying, and that she only had a year or two to live that the fear in me began. I had fear to let myself really feel love for her, knowing that she would be gone. I had fear about what it would be like to watch this horrible disease claim her life. I fought so HARD with every bit of my heart and soul. SHE FOUGHT SO HARD!!!! Even when I had to bring her to the hospital when I promised her I would never do that to her again, I did it because I needed my baby not to be in pain or to suffer.

The last 3 months of her life she screamed and screamed and seized and seized and struggled for every breath she took. We watched her heart rate run at 200 and held our breath wondering how long could her little heart stand that till it gave out. Then we would watch it plummet down to 60, 40, 30 and hold our breath and wonder is this it??? Is her little heart going to stop??? Over and Over and Over again for 3 months we watched, we held our breath, we prayed, we cried, what was so hard at the end? We couldn't hold her in our arms. Her breathing was so bad she couldn't tolerate us holding her. So, I would lay next to her cheek to cheek and hold her little hand and rub it. She would open her eyes and look at us and know we were there. She was suffering so bad but she would still give us her beautiful smile.

Today my arms are empty and I would give anything in the world to feel her one more time. I got my child the best doctors, nurses, equipment, I struggled so hard in making the decision to get her tummy surgery done in fear that by helping her I would lose her. But, she was strong she pulled through, and I saved her from dying from aspiration pneumonia. I got her vest, it helped with her lungs, and even in the end when her lungs were so bad we still used it because when she was seizing non stop and screaming, the comfort of the vest vibrations would soothe her.

She slipped away more times then I can count and each time we thought THIS IS IT!! They would call me in the room and bam! She would come right back. She fought and hung on day after day. Each day, we thought, this is the day and another day passed and she was still here. It was so frustrating to watch her hurt and not want to let her go. I finally stopped saying to myself, today is the day, and just soaked up every minute she was with us. I got mad at her.

I'm so sorry, Roo, I got mad at you, Mommy just didn't understand why you chose to suffer and hang on so long, I just couldn't bear it. I finally realized, you had your own plan, and you were going to go HOME in your own way. I made peace and said OK baby, you and God know when your time is, and I will stay by your side, I will sing you your song to help you stop crying, I will hold your head so you can fall asleep, I will hold your arm to keep it from moving so you can rest sweet baby. It hurts so bad to know that I knew, your Daddy knew, your nurses knew, everyone around you knew that you were going to die and some people think that Mommy wanted that for you! It hurts Roo, it hurts! I sit here and cry, my heart breaks, and I'm mad at myself for letting myself feel hurt by this. Roo, you know how hard mommy fought for your life. To give you the best life! But God's plan was for you to be here only a short time. Today is one of the days I don't understand it. I don't want to question God and say why?? why my baby??? why me?? why my daughters?? why do we all have to have this pain and why did you have to have that horrible disease??? I don't want to question why! I want everybody to see that from the day you were born that I fought for you to live. Even when we were in thatstinkingstate and they didn't want to give you your feeding tube because the doctors said you were terminal I wouldn't accept that! I fought and begged and pleaded for that tube! And, in the end that's what people think I did to make you leave. Roo how can they not understand???????? I don't get it! Losing you, your journey here on earth is the hardest most painful experience of my life. I'm sitting her just crying, I tell myself all that matters is that I know that I DID EVERYTHING I COULD! I know the only thing that matters is that you know that Mommy tried her best to give you the most and to save you. I know with every sign you show me your telling me it's OK.

Some days I just can't stand this pain. I can't stand feeling selfish. I want you back here in my arms, I can't stand feeling guilty for wanting you back, when you suffered so much at the end. I can't stand that I couldn't protect you and things were made so much worse. It shouldn't matter to me what people think because I know the truth. I know what's in my heart, I'm the one that was there. No one can know what this pain is like. Only other mothers that have lost their children. Especially, the mothers that have lost their children to this ugly disease.

Roo, I know you wouldn't want me to feel so sad, sitting here crying my eyes, and heart out. I know you don't want that for Mommy. I know you want Mommy to have peace and feel joy again and I try for you, Roo, I do. But, then I have my days like today where the tears just keep flowing and my heart is just in pieces and I wish that people could just see that you fought so hard to stay with us, you really really did, but God needed you back with him. All Mommy could do was make you comfortable on your journey back to God and heaven. I didn't know until about a month after you died that day there was no day nurse. I knew you were going to leave when you were alone, which was pretty hard to do being that you were never alone ever at the end. I know you must have walked right into heaven after the night nurse left. When you knew, no one else would be coming ,and that me , Daddy, and sissy were still sleeping. You lil schooch! I knew that you were going to go on your own time. I think you knew Mommy wouldn't be able to stand the memory of your last breath.

I can't stand the memory in my head of waking up and looking up at Daddy checking for your heart beat with the stethoscope already knowing that you were GONE. Nobody has to live with that memory or image in their head. If only they knew Roo, how then, could they say that I wanted that for you???? I try so hard to remember the good times and slowly but surely I can............but the memory that haunts me the most is the day I woke up and you were gone. The way you looked..........I can't stand the memory in my mind and nobody has to live with that but me and Daddy.

Daddy gave you your last bath that day. Mommy just couldn't do it and I knew it was important for Daddy to have that special time with you. It felt like forever, he was washing you, and giving you your last bath. I could hear him crying through the bathroom. Then, in the bedroom it felt like it took him forever to get you dressed. In your orange pooh bear outfit, Mommy's favorite. Daddy made you look so beautiful. You smelled so pretty with your special lotion. Mommy still wears it everyday so i have a little bit of you with me. I held you and held you, knowing that soon I had to call the funeral home. I just couldn't bear to have them come and take you from me. I wrapped you in your pooh bear blanket, took a deep breath, I remember carrying you downstairs, and placing you on the stretcher. You looked so small on that big stretcher. I kissed your sweet smelling cheek and told you I would see you again in a day for the last time. After that, I don't really remember anything. I placed you on that stretcher and for the weeks and months following my mind, heart, and soul went with you.

I hurt so bad, I hurt the people around me, I couldn't stand living without you, I didn't want to live anymore. But you and God kept telling me I had to. I had to, your sisters needed me. So, Mommy reached out, got help, and since then I have been better. I have learned how to grieve you and miss you in a better way. Without hurting myself or hurting those around me. When my tears fall, I'm by myself. I keep this all inside. Those around me know I'm hurting but they cannot understand and most times I don't let them see it. Today here I am, typing it all out, putting it out there.

I shouldn't care about those who judge me. For there is only one judgement that counts and that is Gods. I would never do anything that would compromise me getting into heaven because I have known and always knew that is where I will be reunited with my baby. I will get to see her whole and perfect and there is nothing I will or could do to keep that from happening. So, now I live each day to make all of my girls proud. It is so hard some days and yes the days with peace come a little more with time. But, I will always have these days when I cry for my sweet Roo. My sweet love. when I yearn for her smell, to hold her, to see her smile, hear her laugh, brush her hair, hear her cry because she's by herself and wants company, see her try so hard to play, see her try so hard to live.

Roo please help Mommy today. I don't want to cry all day. but I'm crying for you!!! I miss you soooooo much!!! No one will ever know, I just feel like no matter what I do no one will ever understand, and it bothers Mommy so much that people think these things that are sooooo wrong! I cry for you today my sweet Roo. Mommy promises that I will try to be happy, to make each day good, and I know that on these days, God and you, will give me the strength to withstand the pain, to walk through it, to be able to overcome some of it. I cry for you today sweet Roo. I sit here and I one will ever know or understand this pain. All mommy can do is know I did my best, continue everyday to do my best, make you proud of me, and be a good person. I love you so much Roo! I imagine you chasing those butterflies and being with all the other angel babies that have gone to heaven whom mommy loves so much. I can hear you, saying to my heart, mommy don't cry because where you are you are free from pain and happy.

I cry for you today sweet Roo. You and God know what my prayers are and sometimes they aren't quick to be answered but I know that you will answer these prayers of mine. Till we are able to hold each other again sweet girl.....


Thursday, January 8, 2009

Breathe In...Breathe out....

Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Breathe in, Breathe out..........that is my mantra lately. Life has been rolling along smoothly with a few bumps here and there. It seems as though the holidays, fall, winter, Roo boo boo's 4Th birthday all have snuck up on me FAST. Most likely because I've been so busy with the girlies to even catch my breath or have any longer then 10 mins at a time to really think about things.....or maybe just because I haven't let my mind drift there.....Just Yet.....till last night.

Last night the anxiety hit FULL FORCE. I mean straight on hit the wall going 100mph. It's not like I haven't been here before. 3yrs ago I was celebrating Thanksgiving with Tinker Tot 1200 miles away, Blue Bell with a not so present Mooma, Mumzie, or Moulia as she likes to call me (don't know where she learned to come up with nicknames like that LOL), and Roo recovering from her 1st long term hospitalization from the yucky RSV and proving to ALL of us that there was a ton of fight in her spirit against the broken body she was born into. 2 yrs ago, celebrating Thanksgiving, knowing it was going to be Roo's last as she had taken a turn for the worst, and trying to find some inner balance inside myself that life would never ever be the same, and feeling so robbed, lost, angry, and just wanting to hold all 3 of my girls as close as I could. 1 yr ago, celebrating Thanksgiving, feeling numb, sad, incomplete, with a brave smile on my face for the girlies, crying inside, screaming for my baby to be back with us for just one more minute.
Breathe in, Breathe out. Now, all the 2nds are upon us. The year of 2nd holidays without Roo in this new normal we have settled without her. She would have been 4 next month. Last night, as I was sitting at gymnastics with my 5yr old Tinker Tot in my arms, as I tickled her back, and her sweet little face was cuddled up to mine, it really hit me. Wow, they would be playing together, sitting here together, coloring next to each other, fighting over Mama's lap. Tinker , that kid never ceases to amaze me. I was soooooo looking forward to seeing her yesterday at gym. RosieD aka Step-mom was coaching last night so it was just me and Tinker for 2hrs. I needed to cuddle her so badly, and kissie her, and sing with her. She really knocks my socks off in so many different ways. She's so silly and inquisitive. Sometimes she will come out and ask the silliest questions just to see how we will react and other times she asks the most mind-blowing questions.

Last night was all about the mind-blowing questions. How do I explain how Roo is still in our lives but we are living in the present? I don't know if I can find the right words to describe it. Sometimes on occasion I will bring Roo up in conversation, Blue Bell barely talks about her, Tinker, she talks about Roo SO MUCH. Maybe it's her age and since she doesn't really remember as clearly as Blue and I do she thinks about things and tries to wrap her little 5yr old Tinky mind around them.

So, there we were last night at gym and she's coloring. I'm sitting there watching Blue, letting my mind wander to the other 80 billion things I think about, ya know, laundry, appts today, Blue's 1st gym meet on Sunday, Xmas, why did I wear this uncomfortable shirt yada yada........Tinker turns to me and says......"Mommy, what will happen if the world dies?" ummmm........ahhhhhhhh.......well Tinker.........Breathe in, Breathe out........My eyes dart over to RosieD coaching gym, looks exhausting but wishing that I was coaching those 20 little gymnasts and spotting their tricks. Well, Tinker, I think if the world was going to die that God and Jesus would come and get us 1st and bring us home to heaven......but I don't think that's going to happen for a longggggg time, and well I think that's a good question for Dada, we'll ask him.

That satisfied her enough for about 2 minutes till the next question came. She put her coloring away, climbed back up on my lap and cuddled up, and said, "Mommy, do you worry about Roo?" There I am thinking to myself.........ummm ahhhhh where in the world does she come up with this stuff and why always when I'm battling back the grief demon. Well, no Tinker, not at all. She's in Heaven, in a perfect body, you don't have to worry about anything there. "Well, Mom I worry about my family."........O.K. now my heart is breaking.....Tinker why is that??? Well, I haven't seen my Grandma in awhile.......she's not in Heaven Tinker Tot and ummm didn't you just see her 2 weeks ago at sissie's bday party???? OHHH Yeah!!! That's right!! I forgot......and ummm isn't she coming over with your other Grandma for Thanksgiving just like they do every year.........OHH YEAH!!! That's right!!!! Tinker laughs, giggles, and does some more of her deep down belly laughing......SILLY ME!!!

Back to coloring she goes. And there I sit thinking boy this is going to be a longgggggg 2 hrs if she keeps this up. 5 mins passes........."Mommy?" Yes, Tinker? "You cry at xmas time." Yes, Tink, yes I do. "Cause you miss Roo?" Yes, especially around Xmas cause her birthday is right around that time too Tinker.

She crawls back up on my lap.......cuddles herself into me some more......lays in my arms like my big baby.........we snuggle.....I watch Blue hit her floor routine in stride......She's looking good for the meet........."Mommy?' Yes, Tinker? We should get Roo a High School Musical Cake this year!!!!! Ok. more cuddles.......I watch Blue pike her vault....that needs a little tweaking before the meet........."Mommy?" Yes, Tinker. Roo is going to be 4 right? Yep. Well, then her cake has to be Blue's Clue's cause 4yrs olds like that better.....not me though cause I'm 5 and I'm a much more big girl.......Yes, Tinker, Yes you are.

I look up gym is done. RosieD comes over exhausted from her work out with the little gymnasts. I'm just as exhausted too though, in a different way. I tell her about the oh so important question Dada must answer for Tinker Tot.......we walk outside get the girlies in the car.......I tell her about Tinker's and my conversation. She listens attentively like always......stands there patiently while the little twerpies are bugging each other in the car........I think she knows my anxiety has started.

We go off on our separate ways. Blue gets in the car and talks and talks and talks on the way home. This girl said that at gym, this girl did this......uh huh, uh huh.......I listen. Breathe in, Breathe out. I will make it through the holidays.....I will make it through Roo's bday, I will make it through the dreadful winter. I will because I HAVE TO, for the girlies, and I will because I CAN. With some tears, moments of happiness captured here and there, watching my girls grow, answering Tinker tot's breath taking questions every now and then. All while remembering, Breathe in, Breathe out..........just breathe..........


more updated post coming soon.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Finding Balance Part 1

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Finding Balance part 1
Finding balance is proving to more challenging lately. I have 2 wonderful, amazing, beautiful, and brilliant daughters. For 2 1/2yrs they were sharing their childhood together, day in, day out. Then Roo came along and all of our lives were tossed upside down and all around and this Mommy had to make some pretty tough choices. I've had to make some pretty hard decisions over the past 3 yrs and some of them have been really great for my girls and others well not so great.
Blue Bell, wow, what a smart little whippersnapper that kid is. I'll never forget the day she asked me if Roo was going to die. We didn't even have a dx for Roo yet but Blue she just knew in her heart that something wasn't right. Blue had such a strong connection and bond with Roo it surpasses anything in life I've ever seen between 2 people. She was the 1st one to get Roo to smile. Roo didn't smile until she was about 6 months old and when she started well it was a lot of effort and goofiness to get her to do it again. Blue was also the 1st one to get Roo to laugh, somewhere between 7 and 8 months old. I was in the other room and thought Roo was crying. I knew Blue Bell had something to do with that noise I was hearing and came storming into the living room to find Blue laying next to her sissie, singing to her, and Roo laughing up a storm. What an exciting day!!!!! I said BB, how did you do that?????? Well Mommy I just sang her Twinkle Twinkle it always gets me and Tinker to laugh and smile when you sing it silly. Roo, the schooch that she is (I hate saying was) would only smile the 1st time we would sing it to her. If you weren't there in the room when someone started singing the song and thought you could get another smile you were wrong. Just once, that's it no repeat. So, us girls, being the strong-willed girlies we are got out all our bells and whistles and did everything silly you could imagine and before you knew it Roo was laughing and smiling alllllllllll the time. Finally, after months of waiting for her cooing, smiling, laughing, things that all should have happened in the 1st months of her life, all came together, and it was amazing and beautiful.
Well, as usual I digress. I was going to write about this past weekend and having to chose between doing this or that to make the Tinker happy or Blue. Didn't know all that stuff about Roo was going to come out but there it is. F*Lushhhhhhhhhh

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

HI, HOW ARE YOU????!!!!!

I talked to RosieD tonight for the 1st time in 7 months. RosieD aka. Step-Mom, new wife to the ex, oh and one of my ex-closest friends. As I was driving home in the worst ice storm of the season my phone rang. It was an incoming call from RosieD's cell phone. The same one she called my daughter from on Friday night and told her to NEVEREVER call the cell phone again. mmkay. I answered thinking Tinker Tot was calling me. See, RosieD, she never plays her stalker like games teetering on the edge of what's legal and not legal when she knows the guardian can be called immediately. RosieD, one of my closest, best, girlfriends that walked by my side through the death of Roo, held my hand as I cried, loves Tinker Tot as her own.....till 7 months ago. I answered the phone and there was her Rosie voice in my ear. Truth be told, I miss her. But, I can never forgive her for her actions over the past year. She was calling to tell me she finally brought Tinker to the doctor for her snotty runny ear....ya it's only been 2 weeks, and that Tinker's ringworm is better but only because she was putting bleach on it. BLEACH! Now, being the germaphobic I am I did think about spraying Tinker's ringworm with lysol...oh yes, I did....but settled on spraying every inch of myself instead.

35 mins I listened to RosieD tattle on about the trip to the doctor with Tinker and this and that. 35 mins. of driving through an ice storm seeing accident after accident and concentrating to keep my own darn car on the road. Smart to talk and drive...ummmm no so much. Did it keep me from being the crazy lunatic I wanted to be and tear RosieD a new one and stop pretending like the words she said to me 7 months ago didn't exist. yah.

RosieD and I used to talk everyday. Tinker Tot has grown up knowing both her "Moms" loved each other very much. There used to be movies together, roller skating, scrapbooking, dinners at each other's houses...a mixed family, non-traditional, but filled with love. I thought it was one of the greatest gifts Roo brought us. I miss her and still love her but I can't forgive what she said to me over the past year, mostly 3 words she said to me, at Tinker's soccer game.

RosieD never knew the me before Roo. She knew the me during the biggest crisis of my life. And it wasn't until I started gaining more strength physically and emotionally, that I realized how controlling she was. How shocked I was when my eyes were finally open, that she actually enjoyed me being weak. It makes me so sad to think how our friendship disintegrated because of her insecurities and jealousy. It makes me angry...but also so sad. Tonight, talking about Tinker with her, was like the good ole days. Except, we were talking about Tinker Tot's recent bout of illnesses and what needs to be done. I really think for RosieD, she felt it was a way of getting back into our friendship, it was like she didn't skip a beat, like the words that can NEVEREVER be forgiven can be unsaid. They can't. She said them they're out there. I'll talk to her because my Tinker is VERY SICK. I'll listen to what she's been doing to help nurse Tinker back to health so I know what Tinker will be like when I see her tomorrow.

14 days of a runny, snotty, ear.....12 weeks of ringworm in their home....her daughter has it on her face, arms, back, and head. I had to fight RosieD on getting tubes in Tinker's ears when she was 3. She thought I was overreacting. Ya know, I overreacted about everything because of Roo....whateva....I did work in a hospital for's not like I'm stupid. Tonight, she says to me, Thank God, Thank God for her tubes......I'm thinking ya no thanks to you....she wanted her to go through allergy testing 1st....40 pricks in her back to make sure she really needed tubes and a T&A.

I know RosieD's true heart and spirit. I know we will never be friends again. I know that I will never be able to forgive her for what she said. I miss the person she pretended to be though. The good friend that was always there to laugh with me, cry with me, encourage each other, make new memories with all 5 of our girls together. I can't risk letting my guard down, no matter how much I miss who I thought she was. She made sure Tinker was in the room the whole time we were talking. I know Tinker's little heart probably jumped with joy......Tinker doesn't know the words she said that crushed my heart. Tinker is only 6. One day Tinker will be older and will see her step-mom and me in a light where all our strengths and weaknesses shine through. She will ask again what happened that one fateful day. And I, being the good person I am, will tell her once again......she never needs to know what RosieD said to me......because they love each other....and I will never take that repeating those 3 little words.



Monday, January 5, 2009

She went home....

October 2008

Tinker Tot was just picked up by her Dad. I won't see her again till Weds. We had 5 glorious days together. We got costumes for Halloween, pumpkins, there was gymnastics, smiles, laughter, cuddles.
I spent the last few days cleaning out the basement. My life was literally in shambles after Roo died. I'm still sorting through it all emotionally and in the physical sense. Sometimes, I think I'm OK with letting things that were Roo's go. As I was sorting through boxes I found, her rattle that also used to be Tinker's, her Strawberry Shortcake Jammies, syringes, her chart, stuffed animals, and the only picture that I had of her and Blue Bell on her 1st Halloween that I thought was long lost.
Weds. night I sat at gym watching Blue Bell and Tinker Tot and realized that I had not felt anything with the 18th quickly approaching. Halloween is coming the start of the holidays so to speak and the start of grieving in so many ways through memories. It's just when I think I have a handle on things, I don't. I haven't cried in months and well I just had a total meltdown. Tears are burning my cheeks, my heart is pounding, my head feels like its going to burst. I'm mourning my Roo and the piece of me that died with her.
In real life, there are few people that I talk to about her. Few people, that I feel understand. I get mean when I am hurting so bad inside and I hate that part of myself. I want to change it, I want the hurt to go away, but I know that the waves of grief will continue to hit me unexpectedly like this for the rest of my life. Where I was laughing, enjoying Blue and Tinker just 2 days ago, feeling peace, I should have known it was the calm before the emotional storm. Time does heal wounds in some ways. Roo was a piece of me, is a piece of me, that's missing. True, I'm a better, stronger, person. But, I don't like the part of me that hurts. I don't like the part of me that is selfish for wanting her back when she suffered so much. I don't like that I've had to fight so hard to just have some normalcy in my life.
I know Roo wouldn't want me sitting her crying my eyeballs out, I know she wouldn't want me sitting here with all this pain in my soul, I know she wants me to be Happy. I have been happy, I've been enjoying Blue and Tinker, I've been trying the best I can. Pushing and stuffing the feelings down inside and pretending they don't exist isn't a way of dealing with the grief though, but it's the only way I know how. I don't want Tinker Tot to see me grieving and it always happens that we have her on the 18th, making it so hard for me to hide my pain. As soon as she left tonight, I blew up, and then just sat and cried as Blue and I held each other. Blue said, "Mommy, I would rather see you cry then you be short with me." She also said, "Mommy, if you cry I will hold you till you feel better." That makes me feel so guilty.
When Roo was alive I cried in front of more people then I was comfortable with but never in front of Blue Bell. One of the many reasons I sent Tinker Tot to stay with her Dad was because I didn't want her to have a Mommy who cried everyday. **wiping tear from my cheek**
Blue Bell gave me all reasons why God has chosen this path for us. Her faith is so strong when mine is so weak. She said, "God has chosen this for us. Mommy, I know you hurt so bad, but it's all for a reason....." and then she listed as many as she could think of and yes, they were all good.
Maybe another one right now at this time is for Blue to see my crying. To know, it's OK to cry when you hurt instead of just being angry. That it's OK to feel totally overwhelmed at times with goodness and pain all at once that the only way to express it is through tears.
Halloween is coming. I'm fighting so many battles right now. I'm ripping off the emotional band aid and going through Roo's things. The memories that I was afraid were getting dim from time are clear and brisk in my mind.
Halloween is coming. That night I'll be trick or treating with my girls. I'll be walking house to house seeing everyone's reaction to the girlie's costumes and hear them say trick or treat and thank you. I'll be smiling, remembering, wishing, thanking, hopeful, reminiscent, hurting. I'll be me.....just missing my piece.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Maybe. Just Maybe.

Maybe this will be my year. I HOPE this will be my year. I was going to write today about the positives in my life. I was going to wake up with a zest for the new year. And then, I cried. I didn't get to talk to Tinker Tot today. Usually, no big deal if I go one day without talking to her. But when I can't talk to her because someone is being spiteful on purpose well that's a different story. It's OK I'll survive. She was supposed to spend New Year's Eve and today with me and Blue. I had to make one of those really hard choices that splits my heart in two. AGAIN. While it was the best choice for all of us, it really stings that I couldn't talk to her today.

On a lighter note, I am working on writing my goals and dreams down for this year. Blue Bell showed me her list yesterday. Of course, it was all centered around gymnastics. It was a really good list of goals. I don't know where she learned how to do that. Write down goals, positives, and go for them! I know that in the short term things in my life might be rough and choppy. There will be those moments of soaking in the joy. I know the one goal I set for myself 2 yrs is about to come to fruition. When it does, I'll be dancing on the ceiling LOL. Till then, well today, this moment, I'm hanging on with my fingertips. Telling myself over and over again. I will not snap, I will not be pushed down, I will not be bullied, I will be the BETTER PERSON no matter how much I want to scream.