Thursday, February 19, 2009

I wish I was inside her head.

I would have loved to be inside of Tinker's head yesterday as we waited for her to be wheeled off to surgery. Her Dad, RosieD, and me all waiting in one room, loving and doting on her. I was a tad late in arrival, on purpose, to the hospital. I figured they could get her settled in and deal with the 1st set of tears and I didn't want her to feel overwhelmed by all of us doting on her. Cause, seriously, with RosieD, it's all about who is more loving blah blah blah.

I sprinted across the parking lot, waited for 5 mins. at the check in desk, held my breath, and when the receptionist finally asked me, "Can I help you?" I was relieved. She didn't even have to ask my name. She said, "You're Tinker's Mom aren't you? She told me to look for a Mommy with purple hair." All I could do was laugh......purple hair! My hair is anything but purple. It is a running inside joke between me and Tinker though.

I got to her room and there she was clutching her stuffed animals. RosieD immediately apologized to me for Tinker's calling my hair purple. I just chuckled and Tinker giggled. She was nervous, she was brave, it was Roo's angel anniversary day. Driving to the hospital, I had so many memories flood my mind. The early morning doctor and specialist visits. The early morning admissions for surgery and testing. It was hard to not think of all those things and my Roo. But, I needed to be as strong as I could for Tinker.

The surgery was short and successful. Tinker was a loop in recovery. RosieD tried to exert her control over me and I did not budge. I was there for Tinker, I was not leaving her side, no matter how much she pushed and prodded me. I chuckled again when the nurses asked her to leave because she was too loud and in the way. I chuckled when the ENT went over all post-op instructions while staring straight at RosieD and the Ex, twirled on his foot, and winked at me.

Tinker and I got home and took a nice rest together before Blue came home from school. She was still loopy when we laid down and cuddled. I asked her if she was nervous having all of us there. She said, "Noooope. RosieD never talks to me like that at Dada's house though. EVER." I asked her if she liked the way RosieD talked to her before and after surgery. Tinker said, "Yeeep." It saddens me to know that it was all just a show. RosieD has shared with me before how she is intimidated by my exceptional Mothering skills. LOL She needs to find some self-esteem.

I cuddled my Tinker, I tickled her back, I played with her hair, as she fell fast asleep all curled up with me. I smelt her sweet innocence, I ran my hand across her still baby smooth cheek, I thought about my "purple" hair. Mostly, I thanked God, this is her last surgery, she's with me till Sunday, and every night and everyday, I'll be showering her with all kinds of Mommy love, not because I have to, not because I feel I need to live up to this notion of Motherhood, only because she's my Tinker, my own unique, precious, brave, big hearted, loving, little girl.

Btw, no more martinis, I've cut myself off.........but still......


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Pretty Little Box....

I was feeling confident, happy, accomplished, somewhat healed, physically and mentally strong, content. Key word *was* Now I feel lost, angry, confused, indecisive, hurt, misinterpreted, misunderstood.

During the holidays, I was able to stuff my feelings of grief wayyyyyyyy down deep because in the grand scheme of things I wanted it to be a good holiday for the girlies. I didn't want them to see Mommy crying, I didn't want them to see Mommy hurting, I wanted them to see their Mommy whole, full, happy, singing and shining. Walking through grief is exhausting in every way and I don't believe it gets easier only different. Ebbs and flows.

In my life I guess I learned this habit of stuffing everything away, in my pretty little box inside, till I just explode. Growing up it wasn't important what I was feeling or going through. Everything and Everyone around me was always more important. My Mother and her issues, then my oldest sister and her issues, then my little sister and her issues, in between there I guess the putting everything and everyone 1st finally got me to the point where I was so physically ill from the stress I ended up with Mono and almost dying. And then in my late teens and 20s BOOM it happened. All those years of stuffing it away exploded in years of anger. What I learned from my Mother was to just run away. And run away I did, over, and over, and over again, state to state, and back again.

I never lived in one place long enough to have friends longer then a year, growing up or in adulthood. Maybe that's why I like the Internet so much. I know my words are being read but without the intimacy of real life. Make Sense? Because honestly, I really don't know how to do it. Have friendships or relationships that is. I see this pattern in myself, in my life right now, and I don't know what direction to take next. I can't run away anymore. All I can do is hide under my covers. And hiding under them is what I've been doing best the last 5 days.
When I did emerge from my room this weekend and yesterday I was just a ball of anger to those around me which wasn't fair. Blue knows well enough by now when I'm that way it's best to just hug me or stay away. It makes me sad. I grew up taking care of my Mother's emotional needs and I don't want that for Blue or Tinker. So the stuffing of feelings becomes more intense, more frequent, the pursuit of normalcy and perfection even greater.

There are behaviors I began early in my life too, I didn't realize until Skye was here and after which are unhealthy that I use to cope. When feeling out of control, when the feelings are too much to bear, the anger, the hurt, the frustration, the doubt, I cling to my coping skills.
What do you do when you are 31 years old and are trying to learn such basic things are friendships? When you don't have a clue to the rules or boundaries? What do you do? When these things should have been a part of your foundation in growing up and you never got the chance. I try, I try, and try some more, but somehow I end up getting to the result of where I am now. Which isn't such a bad thing. Because life is all about learning and I want to learn, grow, change, and become better at it.

I'm having heart palpitations badly. They're driving me nuts. I feel like I'm so uncomfortable in my skin that I wish I could just jump out. A feeling I haven't had in a longgggggg time. I guess sometimes I hurt others before they have the chance to hurt me. Or, I hurt myself before they have a chance to hurt me.

This isn't a pity blog. This is me trying to figure out what's the right thing to do. I need an emotional flush and right now I don't know how to do it. Usually, writing helps. My head is spinning and swimming. I'm restless. Crawling under the covers isn't going to work today. Who can I talk to that could possibly understand all of this?

I hate this time of year so much. HATE IT. I hate feeling like life is backsliding after putting in so much effort to get it to where I want it to be. I hate feeling like giving up and just saying eff it all. Giving in, crawling back in my shell, and realizing that just as when I was little girl, a teenager, a young woman, I can't express my feelings in the real world. To do so would make me vulnerable. To do so would make me feel weak. Even my written word has been used against me a time or two. Then I think well does it REALLY MATTER?? I don't know.

When I was 3-6 yrs old I was told, DON'T TELL, When my Mother started living her life out of the closet, I was told DON'T TELL, don't talk about it, I'll never forget the day in 6th grade that My Mother decided that we were moving and she didn't want my father to know. I wasn't allowed to say goodbye to my friends, I remember standing at the bus stop with my friends, wanting to tell them so bad, "Today, I'm moving far away, I don't know where to, this is the last time I will see you." I remember screaming it in my head and how bad the words just wanted to pop out of my mouth.

I guess now, words do pop out of my mouth at times. Because for so long I had no voice. For so long, I couldn't speak. It's a constant battle in my mind. I guess that's one thing I really miss about Roo being here too, laying next to her telling her everything I felt Good and Bad. I miss having my marathon talks with the nurses who so patiently listened to me ramble on and on about everything and anything. I still talk to Roo. But it's not the same.

I keep ppl at a distance in real life. If you know me in real life then you know exactly what I'm talking about. You see me then poof I'm gone for another few months or till next year. Sorry about that. I'm used to making it OK for everyone else. I've always done this in my life and even more so when Roo was here. I take it all in until I implode. I talk in riddles, I expect ppl to read my mind, because **gasp** If I say what I'm really feeling or thinking the consequences and punishment are far more worse then just keeping it stuffed all inside my pretty little box.

I'm strong, courageous, complicated, jaded, angry, grieving, lost, lonesome, hurting, have a big heart, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, an estranged sister, a sister that doesn't exsist, stubborn, intelligent, strong-willed, scared, hopeful, full of faith, growing, changing, stepping outside the box, withdrawn, reaching out, aching, wishful, doubtful, full of dreams, in the middle, on the edge, trying to find my way, trying to let go, and knowing no matter what most importantly, I SURVIVE.

Monday, February 16, 2009

I've lost my funny..

I have. I keep trying to find it and just when I get a grasp on it the squirmy little thing gets away. I've always loved to make people laugh. The past few years I've been wayyy to serious. After so much has happened though it's tough getting my funny back.

This weekend we went away for another one of Blue's Gym meets. I was looking forward to a weekend of fun, working on getting my funny back, and a little omgosh we're away from home staying in a fancy schmancy hotel with a pool!! YAA!

Then there was vomit, Blue's worst meet of the season, avoiding the other gym parents because seriously they drive me effing bonkers sometimes. I guess that goes hand in hand with always feeling like I will never be able to relate to people that haven't been through a major tragedy and if I have to listen to you complain about the remodeling in your kitchen one more time I may just poke my eyeballs out.

I digress......All last week Blue's coach seemed well off. She was a bitch on wheels and I was more sensitive to her words probably because of my own complicated relationship with my Mother. Blue's coach, she totally rocks, in every way. She has 3 daughters, one who fought childhood cancer for years and won, the other two successful gymnasts and now successful career women. I love when Coach shares about her daughters, I love when she encourages me, I love when I realize that Blue is one of her favorites and I'm not just thinking she is in my own mind. I love when Coach called me and Blue everyday leading up to Roo's 5th birthday to talk to us and make sure we were OK...even though we already spend 20hrs a week together.

I'm mad at myself though. I thought I had learned to listen to the little voice in my head and to follow my gut. I wanted to call Coach after practice on Friday and ask her if she was OK? Her bitchiness had hit a new high and I know she's been through a lot this past year, I know she gets squirrely before big meets, everything inside of me was screaming call her and ask her if she's OK? and then the other stupid voice in my head so no....that's'll sound stupid. So, I didn't call her.

I sat and talked to her for over an hr. yesterday as awards were being passed out. We joked about how the other parents drive us nuts. We talked about Blue. She looked better, seemed more relaxed, and in turn I felt relief. She told me she had a doc appt at 7:30 this morning. I didn't ask questions I didn't want to intrude. I know she's had a killer headache, her jaw has been hurting, and I've seen her grab her arm wayyy to many times lately at practice. But, she's strong, she teaches aerobics, she coaches the girls, she's one of the healthiest women I know.

The 3hr drive home from the meet yesterday took 6hrs due to an "unexpected ice storm." Ya NO SHIT!, I drove at 4mph and witnessed or almost became an accident more times then I ever want to count yesterday. I called Coach to warn her, she was driving about 45 min behind me. She answered me with the dismissive tone I can't stand, the one where I feel stupid. Like she didn't believe me.

1 inch of ice was covering the road. I've never been so afraid in all the years I've been driving. I saw accident upon accident. There was one I saw I knew was a fatality. I cried when I finally arrived safely at home last night and found out it was a 17yr old girl who lost her the horrible crash. A beautiful 17yr old girl.

I hadn't heard back from Coach...I guessed she managed home OK and I didn't want to call her and feel stupid again. I spent all of today recovering from this weekend that held hope for me. The weekend where hope was long lost early and I felt like I was functioning on autopilot with superhuman strength just like I did when Roo was facing a crisis.

Around 5 this evening, Blue came bursting into my bedroom, I was sleeping, having a nightmare about Roo, I hit the ceiling when she screamed, "MOM, phone I'msosorrytowakeyouup-Aunt.saySOIMPORTANT!" Wha, huh, I put my phone to my ear....hello???

Coach had a massive heart attack this morning, she's in ICU, she's had surgery, I can't wrap my brain around it. I can't. I listened to what little details there were to be heard. I hung up. Shaking my head in disbelief. My next thought, How do I tell Blue???? I said prayers, I whispered to myself, You ass you should have called her on Friday and asked if she was OK!!! Guilt over being angry at her for being super bitch this week. The not knowing....the love I have for her, the admiration, the respect, even if she is a bitch at times, knowing the stress she has been facing recently because she's shared it with me, because in a way we are kindred spirits and understand each other through our tragedies in life.

God, we can't lose Coach, she has helped me and Blue heal so much! She has helped me find my funny when I thought it was long lost. She has helped Blue heal and become so confident in herself.

We all arrived safely home last night......we drove through all that ice, accident upon accident, we ALL got home safe. I've lost my funny's not funny.......God's not funny.......