I was feeling confident, happy, accomplished, somewhat healed, physically and mentally strong, content. Key word *was* Now I feel lost, angry, confused, indecisive, hurt, misinterpreted, misunderstood.
During the holidays, I was able to stuff my feelings of grief wayyyyyyyy down deep because in the grand scheme of things I wanted it to be a good holiday for the girlies. I didn't want them to see Mommy crying, I didn't want them to see Mommy hurting, I wanted them to see their Mommy whole, full, happy, singing and shining. Walking through grief is exhausting in every way and I don't believe it gets easier only different. Ebbs and flows.
In my life I guess I learned this habit of stuffing everything away, in my pretty little box inside, till I just explode. Growing up it wasn't important what I was feeling or going through. Everything and Everyone around me was always more important. My Mother and her issues, then my oldest sister and her issues, then my little sister and her issues, in between there I guess the putting everything and everyone 1st finally got me to the point where I was so physically ill from the stress I ended up with Mono and almost dying. And then in my late teens and 20s BOOM it happened. All those years of stuffing it away exploded in years of anger. What I learned from my Mother was to just run away. And run away I did, over, and over, and over again, state to state, and back again.
I never lived in one place long enough to have friends longer then a year, growing up or in adulthood. Maybe that's why I like the Internet so much. I know my words are being read but without the intimacy of real life. Make Sense? Because honestly, I really don't know how to do it. Have friendships or relationships that is. I see this pattern in myself, in my life right now, and I don't know what direction to take next. I can't run away anymore. All I can do is hide under my covers. And hiding under them is what I've been doing best the last 5 days.
When I did emerge from my room this weekend and yesterday I was just a ball of anger to those around me which wasn't fair. Blue knows well enough by now when I'm that way it's best to just hug me or stay away. It makes me sad. I grew up taking care of my Mother's emotional needs and I don't want that for Blue or Tinker. So the stuffing of feelings becomes more intense, more frequent, the pursuit of normalcy and perfection even greater.
There are behaviors I began early in my life too, I didn't realize until Skye was here and after which are unhealthy that I use to cope. When feeling out of control, when the feelings are too much to bear, the anger, the hurt, the frustration, the doubt, I cling to my coping skills.
What do you do when you are 31 years old and are trying to learn such basic things are friendships? When you don't have a clue to the rules or boundaries? What do you do? When these things should have been a part of your foundation in growing up and you never got the chance. I try, I try, and try some more, but somehow I end up getting to the result of where I am now. Which isn't such a bad thing. Because life is all about learning and I want to learn, grow, change, and become better at it.
I'm having heart palpitations badly. They're driving me nuts. I feel like I'm so uncomfortable in my skin that I wish I could just jump out. A feeling I haven't had in a longgggggg time. I guess sometimes I hurt others before they have the chance to hurt me. Or, I hurt myself before they have a chance to hurt me.
This isn't a pity blog. This is me trying to figure out what's the right thing to do. I need an emotional flush and right now I don't know how to do it. Usually, writing helps. My head is spinning and swimming. I'm restless. Crawling under the covers isn't going to work today. Who can I talk to that could possibly understand all of this?
I hate this time of year so much. HATE IT. I hate feeling like life is backsliding after putting in so much effort to get it to where I want it to be. I hate feeling like giving up and just saying eff it all. Giving in, crawling back in my shell, and realizing that just as when I was little girl, a teenager, a young woman, I can't express my feelings in the real world. To do so would make me vulnerable. To do so would make me feel weak. Even my written word has been used against me a time or two. Then I think well does it REALLY MATTER?? I don't know.
When I was 3-6 yrs old I was told, DON'T TELL, When my Mother started living her life out of the closet, I was told DON'T TELL, don't talk about it, I'll never forget the day in 6th grade that My Mother decided that we were moving and she didn't want my father to know. I wasn't allowed to say goodbye to my friends, I remember standing at the bus stop with my friends, wanting to tell them so bad, "Today, I'm moving far away, I don't know where to, this is the last time I will see you." I remember screaming it in my head and how bad the words just wanted to pop out of my mouth.
I guess now, words do pop out of my mouth at times. Because for so long I had no voice. For so long, I couldn't speak. It's a constant battle in my mind. I guess that's one thing I really miss about Roo being here too, laying next to her telling her everything I felt Good and Bad. I miss having my marathon talks with the nurses who so patiently listened to me ramble on and on about everything and anything. I still talk to Roo. But it's not the same.
I keep ppl at a distance in real life. If you know me in real life then you know exactly what I'm talking about. You see me then poof I'm gone for another few months or till next year. Sorry about that. I'm used to making it OK for everyone else. I've always done this in my life and even more so when Roo was here. I take it all in until I implode. I talk in riddles, I expect ppl to read my mind, because **gasp** If I say what I'm really feeling or thinking the consequences and punishment are far more worse then just keeping it stuffed all inside my pretty little box.
I'm strong, courageous, complicated, jaded, angry, grieving, lost, lonesome, hurting, have a big heart, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, an estranged sister, a sister that doesn't exsist, stubborn, intelligent, strong-willed, scared, hopeful, full of faith, growing, changing, stepping outside the box, withdrawn, reaching out, aching, wishful, doubtful, full of dreams, in the middle, on the edge, trying to find my way, trying to let go, and knowing no matter what most importantly, I SURVIVE.
*******FLUSH******
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Friday, January 9, 2009
I cry for Roo
I cry for you today sweet Roo.
So, here I sit with tears streaming down my face. I'm tired. Tired of many things and yet grateful for so many things. I feel conflicted inside I don't know I just guess it's where I am in my grief. I just sat and watched the video I made for Roo. I watch it everyday and most days it makes me happy but today it made me cry. Yes ,the 18th is coming, I am more emotional. Feelings that I thought I could bury and let go have reared their ugly head in my heart.
I don't have hatred, I don't have regret, I have a bit of anger, but that's only because of judgements placed on me by others. Now, I should be the 1st to know that I should not let what others think about me bother me. What bothers me so much and what I try so hard NOT to think about is the perception of what people think happened at the end of your life. I fought so hard for you, my baby, with every ounce of my being and soul. I spent so many hours on the phone with doctors, hours at the specialists, hours doing research, hours holding you while you seized and not being able to do a dayum thing about it, hours laying next to you watching you sleep praying out to GOD please SAVE MY BABY. When I was still in thatstinkinstate I believed that if I moved to Ohio, got better doctors, and all the medical equipment I needed to keep you alive that you would LIVE. I believed I could save you Roo, I believed with all the love I had for my sweet girl, I could SAVE MY ROO.
It wasn't until the day when I met with her epilepsy neuro and her metabolic neuro and they told me that she had atrophy of her brain, meaning it was shrinking and liquefying, and that she only had a year or two to live that the fear in me began. I had fear to let myself really feel love for her, knowing that she would be gone. I had fear about what it would be like to watch this horrible disease claim her life. I fought so HARD with every bit of my heart and soul. SHE FOUGHT SO HARD!!!! Even when I had to bring her to the hospital when I promised her I would never do that to her again, I did it because I needed my baby not to be in pain or to suffer.
The last 3 months of her life she screamed and screamed and seized and seized and struggled for every breath she took. We watched her heart rate run at 200 and held our breath wondering how long could her little heart stand that till it gave out. Then we would watch it plummet down to 60, 40, 30 and hold our breath and wonder is this it??? Is her little heart going to stop??? Over and Over and Over again for 3 months we watched, we held our breath, we prayed, we cried, what was so hard at the end? We couldn't hold her in our arms. Her breathing was so bad she couldn't tolerate us holding her. So, I would lay next to her cheek to cheek and hold her little hand and rub it. She would open her eyes and look at us and know we were there. She was suffering so bad but she would still give us her beautiful smile.
Today my arms are empty and I would give anything in the world to feel her one more time. I got my child the best doctors, nurses, equipment, I struggled so hard in making the decision to get her tummy surgery done in fear that by helping her I would lose her. But, she was strong she pulled through, and I saved her from dying from aspiration pneumonia. I got her vest, it helped with her lungs, and even in the end when her lungs were so bad we still used it because when she was seizing non stop and screaming, the comfort of the vest vibrations would soothe her.
She slipped away more times then I can count and each time we thought THIS IS IT!! They would call me in the room and bam! She would come right back. She fought and hung on day after day. Each day, we thought, this is the day and another day passed and she was still here. It was so frustrating to watch her hurt and not want to let her go. I finally stopped saying to myself, today is the day, and just soaked up every minute she was with us. I got mad at her.
I'm so sorry, Roo, I got mad at you, Mommy just didn't understand why you chose to suffer and hang on so long, I just couldn't bear it. I finally realized, you had your own plan, and you were going to go HOME in your own way. I made peace and said OK baby, you and God know when your time is, and I will stay by your side, I will sing you your song to help you stop crying, I will hold your head so you can fall asleep, I will hold your arm to keep it from moving so you can rest sweet baby. It hurts so bad to know that I knew, your Daddy knew, your nurses knew, everyone around you knew that you were going to die and some people think that Mommy wanted that for you! It hurts Roo, it hurts! I sit here and cry, my heart breaks, and I'm mad at myself for letting myself feel hurt by this. Roo, you know how hard mommy fought for your life. To give you the best life! But God's plan was for you to be here only a short time. Today is one of the days I don't understand it. I don't want to question God and say why?? why my baby??? why me?? why my daughters?? why do we all have to have this pain and why did you have to have that horrible disease??? I don't want to question why! I want everybody to see that from the day you were born that I fought for you to live. Even when we were in thatstinkingstate and they didn't want to give you your feeding tube because the doctors said you were terminal I wouldn't accept that! I fought and begged and pleaded for that tube! And, in the end that's what people think I did to make you leave. Roo how can they not understand???????? I don't get it! Losing you, your journey here on earth is the hardest most painful experience of my life. I'm sitting her just crying, I tell myself all that matters is that I know that I DID EVERYTHING I COULD! I know the only thing that matters is that you know that Mommy tried her best to give you the most and to save you. I know with every sign you show me your telling me it's OK.
Some days I just can't stand this pain. I can't stand feeling selfish. I want you back here in my arms, I can't stand feeling guilty for wanting you back, when you suffered so much at the end. I can't stand that I couldn't protect you and things were made so much worse. It shouldn't matter to me what people think because I know the truth. I know what's in my heart, I'm the one that was there. No one can know what this pain is like. Only other mothers that have lost their children. Especially, the mothers that have lost their children to this ugly disease.
Roo, I know you wouldn't want me to feel so sad, sitting here crying my eyes, and heart out. I know you don't want that for Mommy. I know you want Mommy to have peace and feel joy again and I try for you, Roo, I do. But, then I have my days like today where the tears just keep flowing and my heart is just in pieces and I wish that people could just see that you fought so hard to stay with us, you really really did, but God needed you back with him. All Mommy could do was make you comfortable on your journey back to God and heaven. I didn't know until about a month after you died that day there was no day nurse. I knew you were going to leave when you were alone, which was pretty hard to do being that you were never alone ever at the end. I know you must have walked right into heaven after the night nurse left. When you knew, no one else would be coming ,and that me , Daddy, and sissy were still sleeping. You lil schooch! I knew that you were going to go on your own time. I think you knew Mommy wouldn't be able to stand the memory of your last breath.
I can't stand the memory in my head of waking up and looking up at Daddy checking for your heart beat with the stethoscope already knowing that you were GONE. Nobody has to live with that memory or image in their head. If only they knew Roo, how then, could they say that I wanted that for you???? I try so hard to remember the good times and slowly but surely I can............but the memory that haunts me the most is the day I woke up and you were gone. The way you looked..........I can't stand the memory in my mind and nobody has to live with that but me and Daddy.
Daddy gave you your last bath that day. Mommy just couldn't do it and I knew it was important for Daddy to have that special time with you. It felt like forever, he was washing you, and giving you your last bath. I could hear him crying through the bathroom. Then, in the bedroom it felt like it took him forever to get you dressed. In your orange pooh bear outfit, Mommy's favorite. Daddy made you look so beautiful. You smelled so pretty with your special lotion. Mommy still wears it everyday so i have a little bit of you with me. I held you and held you, knowing that soon I had to call the funeral home. I just couldn't bear to have them come and take you from me. I wrapped you in your pooh bear blanket, took a deep breath, I remember carrying you downstairs, and placing you on the stretcher. You looked so small on that big stretcher. I kissed your sweet smelling cheek and told you I would see you again in a day for the last time. After that, I don't really remember anything. I placed you on that stretcher and for the weeks and months following my mind, heart, and soul went with you.
I hurt so bad, I hurt the people around me, I couldn't stand living without you, I didn't want to live anymore. But you and God kept telling me I had to. I had to, your sisters needed me. So, Mommy reached out, got help, and since then I have been better. I have learned how to grieve you and miss you in a better way. Without hurting myself or hurting those around me. When my tears fall, I'm by myself. I keep this all inside. Those around me know I'm hurting but they cannot understand and most times I don't let them see it. Today here I am, typing it all out, putting it out there.
I shouldn't care about those who judge me. For there is only one judgement that counts and that is Gods. I would never do anything that would compromise me getting into heaven because I have known and always knew that is where I will be reunited with my baby. I will get to see her whole and perfect and there is nothing I will or could do to keep that from happening. So, now I live each day to make all of my girls proud. It is so hard some days and yes the days with peace come a little more with time. But, I will always have these days when I cry for my sweet Roo. My sweet love. when I yearn for her smell, to hold her, to see her smile, hear her laugh, brush her hair, hear her cry because she's by herself and wants company, see her try so hard to play, see her try so hard to live.
Roo please help Mommy today. I don't want to cry all day. but I'm crying for you!!! I miss you soooooo much!!! No one will ever know, I just feel like no matter what I do no one will ever understand, and it bothers Mommy so much that people think these things that are sooooo wrong! I cry for you today my sweet Roo. Mommy promises that I will try to be happy, to make each day good, and I know that on these days, God and you, will give me the strength to withstand the pain, to walk through it, to be able to overcome some of it. I cry for you today sweet Roo. I sit here and I cry..............no one will ever know or understand this pain. All mommy can do is know I did my best, continue everyday to do my best, make you proud of me, and be a good person. I love you so much Roo! I imagine you chasing those butterflies and being with all the other angel babies that have gone to heaven whom mommy loves so much. I can hear you, saying to my heart, mommy don't cry because where you are you are free from pain and happy.
I cry for you today sweet Roo. You and God know what my prayers are and sometimes they aren't quick to be answered but I know that you will answer these prayers of mine. Till we are able to hold each other again sweet girl.....
F*Lushhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
So, here I sit with tears streaming down my face. I'm tired. Tired of many things and yet grateful for so many things. I feel conflicted inside I don't know I just guess it's where I am in my grief. I just sat and watched the video I made for Roo. I watch it everyday and most days it makes me happy but today it made me cry. Yes ,the 18th is coming, I am more emotional. Feelings that I thought I could bury and let go have reared their ugly head in my heart.
I don't have hatred, I don't have regret, I have a bit of anger, but that's only because of judgements placed on me by others. Now, I should be the 1st to know that I should not let what others think about me bother me. What bothers me so much and what I try so hard NOT to think about is the perception of what people think happened at the end of your life. I fought so hard for you, my baby, with every ounce of my being and soul. I spent so many hours on the phone with doctors, hours at the specialists, hours doing research, hours holding you while you seized and not being able to do a dayum thing about it, hours laying next to you watching you sleep praying out to GOD please SAVE MY BABY. When I was still in thatstinkinstate I believed that if I moved to Ohio, got better doctors, and all the medical equipment I needed to keep you alive that you would LIVE. I believed I could save you Roo, I believed with all the love I had for my sweet girl, I could SAVE MY ROO.
It wasn't until the day when I met with her epilepsy neuro and her metabolic neuro and they told me that she had atrophy of her brain, meaning it was shrinking and liquefying, and that she only had a year or two to live that the fear in me began. I had fear to let myself really feel love for her, knowing that she would be gone. I had fear about what it would be like to watch this horrible disease claim her life. I fought so HARD with every bit of my heart and soul. SHE FOUGHT SO HARD!!!! Even when I had to bring her to the hospital when I promised her I would never do that to her again, I did it because I needed my baby not to be in pain or to suffer.
The last 3 months of her life she screamed and screamed and seized and seized and struggled for every breath she took. We watched her heart rate run at 200 and held our breath wondering how long could her little heart stand that till it gave out. Then we would watch it plummet down to 60, 40, 30 and hold our breath and wonder is this it??? Is her little heart going to stop??? Over and Over and Over again for 3 months we watched, we held our breath, we prayed, we cried, what was so hard at the end? We couldn't hold her in our arms. Her breathing was so bad she couldn't tolerate us holding her. So, I would lay next to her cheek to cheek and hold her little hand and rub it. She would open her eyes and look at us and know we were there. She was suffering so bad but she would still give us her beautiful smile.
Today my arms are empty and I would give anything in the world to feel her one more time. I got my child the best doctors, nurses, equipment, I struggled so hard in making the decision to get her tummy surgery done in fear that by helping her I would lose her. But, she was strong she pulled through, and I saved her from dying from aspiration pneumonia. I got her vest, it helped with her lungs, and even in the end when her lungs were so bad we still used it because when she was seizing non stop and screaming, the comfort of the vest vibrations would soothe her.
She slipped away more times then I can count and each time we thought THIS IS IT!! They would call me in the room and bam! She would come right back. She fought and hung on day after day. Each day, we thought, this is the day and another day passed and she was still here. It was so frustrating to watch her hurt and not want to let her go. I finally stopped saying to myself, today is the day, and just soaked up every minute she was with us. I got mad at her.
I'm so sorry, Roo, I got mad at you, Mommy just didn't understand why you chose to suffer and hang on so long, I just couldn't bear it. I finally realized, you had your own plan, and you were going to go HOME in your own way. I made peace and said OK baby, you and God know when your time is, and I will stay by your side, I will sing you your song to help you stop crying, I will hold your head so you can fall asleep, I will hold your arm to keep it from moving so you can rest sweet baby. It hurts so bad to know that I knew, your Daddy knew, your nurses knew, everyone around you knew that you were going to die and some people think that Mommy wanted that for you! It hurts Roo, it hurts! I sit here and cry, my heart breaks, and I'm mad at myself for letting myself feel hurt by this. Roo, you know how hard mommy fought for your life. To give you the best life! But God's plan was for you to be here only a short time. Today is one of the days I don't understand it. I don't want to question God and say why?? why my baby??? why me?? why my daughters?? why do we all have to have this pain and why did you have to have that horrible disease??? I don't want to question why! I want everybody to see that from the day you were born that I fought for you to live. Even when we were in thatstinkingstate and they didn't want to give you your feeding tube because the doctors said you were terminal I wouldn't accept that! I fought and begged and pleaded for that tube! And, in the end that's what people think I did to make you leave. Roo how can they not understand???????? I don't get it! Losing you, your journey here on earth is the hardest most painful experience of my life. I'm sitting her just crying, I tell myself all that matters is that I know that I DID EVERYTHING I COULD! I know the only thing that matters is that you know that Mommy tried her best to give you the most and to save you. I know with every sign you show me your telling me it's OK.
Some days I just can't stand this pain. I can't stand feeling selfish. I want you back here in my arms, I can't stand feeling guilty for wanting you back, when you suffered so much at the end. I can't stand that I couldn't protect you and things were made so much worse. It shouldn't matter to me what people think because I know the truth. I know what's in my heart, I'm the one that was there. No one can know what this pain is like. Only other mothers that have lost their children. Especially, the mothers that have lost their children to this ugly disease.
Roo, I know you wouldn't want me to feel so sad, sitting here crying my eyes, and heart out. I know you don't want that for Mommy. I know you want Mommy to have peace and feel joy again and I try for you, Roo, I do. But, then I have my days like today where the tears just keep flowing and my heart is just in pieces and I wish that people could just see that you fought so hard to stay with us, you really really did, but God needed you back with him. All Mommy could do was make you comfortable on your journey back to God and heaven. I didn't know until about a month after you died that day there was no day nurse. I knew you were going to leave when you were alone, which was pretty hard to do being that you were never alone ever at the end. I know you must have walked right into heaven after the night nurse left. When you knew, no one else would be coming ,and that me , Daddy, and sissy were still sleeping. You lil schooch! I knew that you were going to go on your own time. I think you knew Mommy wouldn't be able to stand the memory of your last breath.
I can't stand the memory in my head of waking up and looking up at Daddy checking for your heart beat with the stethoscope already knowing that you were GONE. Nobody has to live with that memory or image in their head. If only they knew Roo, how then, could they say that I wanted that for you???? I try so hard to remember the good times and slowly but surely I can............but the memory that haunts me the most is the day I woke up and you were gone. The way you looked..........I can't stand the memory in my mind and nobody has to live with that but me and Daddy.
Daddy gave you your last bath that day. Mommy just couldn't do it and I knew it was important for Daddy to have that special time with you. It felt like forever, he was washing you, and giving you your last bath. I could hear him crying through the bathroom. Then, in the bedroom it felt like it took him forever to get you dressed. In your orange pooh bear outfit, Mommy's favorite. Daddy made you look so beautiful. You smelled so pretty with your special lotion. Mommy still wears it everyday so i have a little bit of you with me. I held you and held you, knowing that soon I had to call the funeral home. I just couldn't bear to have them come and take you from me. I wrapped you in your pooh bear blanket, took a deep breath, I remember carrying you downstairs, and placing you on the stretcher. You looked so small on that big stretcher. I kissed your sweet smelling cheek and told you I would see you again in a day for the last time. After that, I don't really remember anything. I placed you on that stretcher and for the weeks and months following my mind, heart, and soul went with you.
I hurt so bad, I hurt the people around me, I couldn't stand living without you, I didn't want to live anymore. But you and God kept telling me I had to. I had to, your sisters needed me. So, Mommy reached out, got help, and since then I have been better. I have learned how to grieve you and miss you in a better way. Without hurting myself or hurting those around me. When my tears fall, I'm by myself. I keep this all inside. Those around me know I'm hurting but they cannot understand and most times I don't let them see it. Today here I am, typing it all out, putting it out there.
I shouldn't care about those who judge me. For there is only one judgement that counts and that is Gods. I would never do anything that would compromise me getting into heaven because I have known and always knew that is where I will be reunited with my baby. I will get to see her whole and perfect and there is nothing I will or could do to keep that from happening. So, now I live each day to make all of my girls proud. It is so hard some days and yes the days with peace come a little more with time. But, I will always have these days when I cry for my sweet Roo. My sweet love. when I yearn for her smell, to hold her, to see her smile, hear her laugh, brush her hair, hear her cry because she's by herself and wants company, see her try so hard to play, see her try so hard to live.
Roo please help Mommy today. I don't want to cry all day. but I'm crying for you!!! I miss you soooooo much!!! No one will ever know, I just feel like no matter what I do no one will ever understand, and it bothers Mommy so much that people think these things that are sooooo wrong! I cry for you today my sweet Roo. Mommy promises that I will try to be happy, to make each day good, and I know that on these days, God and you, will give me the strength to withstand the pain, to walk through it, to be able to overcome some of it. I cry for you today sweet Roo. I sit here and I cry..............no one will ever know or understand this pain. All mommy can do is know I did my best, continue everyday to do my best, make you proud of me, and be a good person. I love you so much Roo! I imagine you chasing those butterflies and being with all the other angel babies that have gone to heaven whom mommy loves so much. I can hear you, saying to my heart, mommy don't cry because where you are you are free from pain and happy.
I cry for you today sweet Roo. You and God know what my prayers are and sometimes they aren't quick to be answered but I know that you will answer these prayers of mine. Till we are able to hold each other again sweet girl.....
F*Lushhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Monday, January 5, 2009
She went home....
October 2008
Tinker Tot was just picked up by her Dad. I won't see her again till Weds. We had 5 glorious days together. We got costumes for Halloween, pumpkins, there was gymnastics, smiles, laughter, cuddles.
I spent the last few days cleaning out the basement. My life was literally in shambles after Roo died. I'm still sorting through it all emotionally and in the physical sense. Sometimes, I think I'm OK with letting things that were Roo's go. As I was sorting through boxes I found, her rattle that also used to be Tinker's, her Strawberry Shortcake Jammies, syringes, her chart, stuffed animals, and the only picture that I had of her and Blue Bell on her 1st Halloween that I thought was long lost.
Weds. night I sat at gym watching Blue Bell and Tinker Tot and realized that I had not felt anything with the 18th quickly approaching. Halloween is coming the start of the holidays so to speak and the start of grieving in so many ways through memories. It's just when I think I have a handle on things, I don't. I haven't cried in months and well I just had a total meltdown. Tears are burning my cheeks, my heart is pounding, my head feels like its going to burst. I'm mourning my Roo and the piece of me that died with her.
In real life, there are few people that I talk to about her. Few people, that I feel understand. I get mean when I am hurting so bad inside and I hate that part of myself. I want to change it, I want the hurt to go away, but I know that the waves of grief will continue to hit me unexpectedly like this for the rest of my life. Where I was laughing, enjoying Blue and Tinker just 2 days ago, feeling peace, I should have known it was the calm before the emotional storm. Time does heal wounds in some ways. Roo was a piece of me, is a piece of me, that's missing. True, I'm a better, stronger, person. But, I don't like the part of me that hurts. I don't like the part of me that is selfish for wanting her back when she suffered so much. I don't like that I've had to fight so hard to just have some normalcy in my life.
I know Roo wouldn't want me sitting her crying my eyeballs out, I know she wouldn't want me sitting here with all this pain in my soul, I know she wants me to be Happy. I have been happy, I've been enjoying Blue and Tinker, I've been trying the best I can. Pushing and stuffing the feelings down inside and pretending they don't exist isn't a way of dealing with the grief though, but it's the only way I know how. I don't want Tinker Tot to see me grieving and it always happens that we have her on the 18th, making it so hard for me to hide my pain. As soon as she left tonight, I blew up, and then just sat and cried as Blue and I held each other. Blue said, "Mommy, I would rather see you cry then you be short with me." She also said, "Mommy, if you cry I will hold you till you feel better." That makes me feel so guilty.
When Roo was alive I cried in front of more people then I was comfortable with but never in front of Blue Bell. One of the many reasons I sent Tinker Tot to stay with her Dad was because I didn't want her to have a Mommy who cried everyday. **wiping tear from my cheek**
Blue Bell gave me all reasons why God has chosen this path for us. Her faith is so strong when mine is so weak. She said, "God has chosen this for us. Mommy, I know you hurt so bad, but it's all for a reason....." and then she listed as many as she could think of and yes, they were all good.
Maybe another one right now at this time is for Blue to see my crying. To know, it's OK to cry when you hurt instead of just being angry. That it's OK to feel totally overwhelmed at times with goodness and pain all at once that the only way to express it is through tears.
Halloween is coming. I'm fighting so many battles right now. I'm ripping off the emotional band aid and going through Roo's things. The memories that I was afraid were getting dim from time are clear and brisk in my mind.
Halloween is coming. That night I'll be trick or treating with my girls. I'll be walking house to house seeing everyone's reaction to the girlie's costumes and hear them say trick or treat and thank you. I'll be smiling, remembering, wishing, thanking, hopeful, reminiscent, hurting. I'll be me.....just missing my piece.
F*Lushhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Tinker Tot was just picked up by her Dad. I won't see her again till Weds. We had 5 glorious days together. We got costumes for Halloween, pumpkins, there was gymnastics, smiles, laughter, cuddles.
I spent the last few days cleaning out the basement. My life was literally in shambles after Roo died. I'm still sorting through it all emotionally and in the physical sense. Sometimes, I think I'm OK with letting things that were Roo's go. As I was sorting through boxes I found, her rattle that also used to be Tinker's, her Strawberry Shortcake Jammies, syringes, her chart, stuffed animals, and the only picture that I had of her and Blue Bell on her 1st Halloween that I thought was long lost.
Weds. night I sat at gym watching Blue Bell and Tinker Tot and realized that I had not felt anything with the 18th quickly approaching. Halloween is coming the start of the holidays so to speak and the start of grieving in so many ways through memories. It's just when I think I have a handle on things, I don't. I haven't cried in months and well I just had a total meltdown. Tears are burning my cheeks, my heart is pounding, my head feels like its going to burst. I'm mourning my Roo and the piece of me that died with her.
In real life, there are few people that I talk to about her. Few people, that I feel understand. I get mean when I am hurting so bad inside and I hate that part of myself. I want to change it, I want the hurt to go away, but I know that the waves of grief will continue to hit me unexpectedly like this for the rest of my life. Where I was laughing, enjoying Blue and Tinker just 2 days ago, feeling peace, I should have known it was the calm before the emotional storm. Time does heal wounds in some ways. Roo was a piece of me, is a piece of me, that's missing. True, I'm a better, stronger, person. But, I don't like the part of me that hurts. I don't like the part of me that is selfish for wanting her back when she suffered so much. I don't like that I've had to fight so hard to just have some normalcy in my life.
I know Roo wouldn't want me sitting her crying my eyeballs out, I know she wouldn't want me sitting here with all this pain in my soul, I know she wants me to be Happy. I have been happy, I've been enjoying Blue and Tinker, I've been trying the best I can. Pushing and stuffing the feelings down inside and pretending they don't exist isn't a way of dealing with the grief though, but it's the only way I know how. I don't want Tinker Tot to see me grieving and it always happens that we have her on the 18th, making it so hard for me to hide my pain. As soon as she left tonight, I blew up, and then just sat and cried as Blue and I held each other. Blue said, "Mommy, I would rather see you cry then you be short with me." She also said, "Mommy, if you cry I will hold you till you feel better." That makes me feel so guilty.
When Roo was alive I cried in front of more people then I was comfortable with but never in front of Blue Bell. One of the many reasons I sent Tinker Tot to stay with her Dad was because I didn't want her to have a Mommy who cried everyday. **wiping tear from my cheek**
Blue Bell gave me all reasons why God has chosen this path for us. Her faith is so strong when mine is so weak. She said, "God has chosen this for us. Mommy, I know you hurt so bad, but it's all for a reason....." and then she listed as many as she could think of and yes, they were all good.
Maybe another one right now at this time is for Blue to see my crying. To know, it's OK to cry when you hurt instead of just being angry. That it's OK to feel totally overwhelmed at times with goodness and pain all at once that the only way to express it is through tears.
Halloween is coming. I'm fighting so many battles right now. I'm ripping off the emotional band aid and going through Roo's things. The memories that I was afraid were getting dim from time are clear and brisk in my mind.
Halloween is coming. That night I'll be trick or treating with my girls. I'll be walking house to house seeing everyone's reaction to the girlie's costumes and hear them say trick or treat and thank you. I'll be smiling, remembering, wishing, thanking, hopeful, reminiscent, hurting. I'll be me.....just missing my piece.
F*Lushhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Sunday, December 21, 2008
5
Tomorrow she'll be 5. What can I possibly say to mark this day? I can remember her birth, her life, her smile, her love. I feel the heartache and the pain. I feel the motions of life pushing me forward whether I want to go forward or not. Blue Bell said it out loud last night, "I miss Roo." I almost fell over but I was driving LOL. She said she tries to imagine her "normal" walking, 5, talking, with legs. Her words. She said when she imagines her that way all she can see is her head, smile, and legs. I told her, "Blue Bell, we are T-girls...we are nothing but small heads, no bodies, and long legs....that's exactly how she would be!" Blue Bell laughed and let out a sigh. When we got home, she hugged me, like REALLY hugged me and we swayed back and forth hugging each other in the kitchen for awhile. The swaying is a habit we both got from Roo. She loved to be held that way. Living without one of your children here on earth it sucks.....BADLY. Living in the moment, for my other 2 that are here, is WONDERFUL. I think I've found a nice balance between the two and a really healthy support system to help hold us up when we need it. In AA, they say take it one day at a time. Same is true for grief. Sometimes it's an hour at a time, sometimes it's a minute, sometimes it's a second. Right now, I'm trying to suspend time......like it's not moving forward. I want it to stop and not be that one more birthday has passed without her. Tomorrow, the girls have gym. I'll be going out into the world and sending all my love and energy into children that don't get it at home. I'll be celebrating the little moments when those children "get it." I'll be thanking God for Blue's gym coach, who has called me everyday to check on us, and listen to me. I'll be thanking God for Tinker Tot's Aunt, who is going to go out to dinner with me and her while Blue Bell is at gym practice. I'll be thanking God for my Moms who I can call and talk to and they listen more then they talk the past few weeks. I'll be Thanking God for old friends, new friends, old friends that are new again. I'll be Thankful mostly for the gift of being Roo's Mom. I'll be thankful she is healed and still all around us with her spirit. I'll be thankful that God trusted me enough to be her Mommy. I'll be thankful for the other Angel Mom's that "get it." and send me sweet love and hugs everyday. Well, I guess I wrote out what 5 means to us this year. Thankful. Grateful. Love. Strength. Appreciation. New. Old. Moving forward, but NEVER forgetting. To the moon and back my sweet scooby-doo! Do you know Tinker Tot does the munch munch on my cheek?? Course you do! I don't know how she remembers that but she does......and it drives me just as crazy when you used to do it to me!! Munchies....smooches.......woogees.......I miss you Roo...xoxo Mama.
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