We all have a story....

We all have a story. The stories in our lives shape who we are, what we feel, what we believe. Your story is different then mine. Your story might be filled with alot more happiness, tragedy, ups and downs. We all wake up in the morning and some of us choose how we will feel and react to the happenings of our day. Some of us run on auto-pilot and do what we need to do just to survive the day. Some of us wear our blinders to live in denial of all the negativity around us. Some of us rip off those blinders and tackle the day thinking... what am I going to do differently to change the way I think, feel, react, LIVE???




I have a circle of friends that I am getting to know and become closer with everyday. I'm taking control back from RosieD and trying to forgive her for one of the most heinous things anyone has ever said to me. I'm enjoying my Tinker Tot and loving up the little bit of baby she still has left in her while being blown away by the extent of her intelligence. I'm forever changing and moving forward. I'm always living in the moment, taking it all in, challenging myself to be a better me and wondering where my story leads to next.




Some days I live in fear.....but it's fear that drives me. Some days I live in grief......but it's grief that drives me. Everyday I live with H.O.P.E........but it's hope that helps drive me to believe I can react, feel, change, love, live in all the ways I choose to. Lately, I feel judgemental. I sincerely detest judgemental people but lately, I find myself being one. Maybe judgemental isn't the right word. Maybe, because of my story, my journey, it has shaped the way in which I view the world. I look at myself and Blue Bell, I think of Roo I think of our journey together, what we all went through and had to overcome, and it makes me think, there is nothing in this world we can't accomplish if we set our mind to it. There is nothing we can't achieve.







So, when I see other people making excuses or allowances for things that are clearly unacceptable or because they don't know where to start or they don't know how to change their circumstances, I get angry, I get ^gulp^ whispersunderbreath-judgemental.




My story/journey in life has helped me to see that I can do anything......My girls are capable of doing anything, and yes my story is different then yours, your difficulties, my own, may be the same or different, but we still have choices.




Choice. Roo, didn't have a choice. There's alot of choices she didn't have. She couldn't do simple things in life we take for granted, She couldn't run across the room, She couldn't choose what to eat, She couldn't choose what toy to play with, She couldn't choose to change positions, She couldn't choose to live. God made her the way she was for a reason. And for that reason, I try to revel in every choice I make. The choice of how to react, the choice of how to live, the choice of what I will and will not accept in my life, the choice of something as simple as what to eat. Really, it's all so simple.




There's always fear of climbing the mountain. Climbing it, changing, growing is the hard part. The sweet reward is standing on the top looking at the view. Standing tall, knowing you tackled something so hard, beyond reach, but knowing you survived and grew. I feared to live after Roo died. I feared to feel. I feared to love. Fear is what drove me to climb the mountain. Sometimes, I wonder if I'll ever get to the top. When I look down and get a glimpse of the view, it's breathtaking. Everything I want is right within my reach. My story, my journey, my choice.

I'm going through a period of growing. Peeling back layers of feelings, trying to figure out how, when, why, it will be. Sitting with myself, my feelings, and looking at what choices I have. I'm grateful there are many. I know where I've been, I know the story of my past, it's the story of the here and now, the future, the choice to look forward, up, beyond, and keep climbing. I can move mountains, I can climb mountains, I can dig through them, either way I'll overcome with every choice I make.







Last night, I was proud of myself. It was a shining moment, a ah-ha kind of moment. 2 hard conversations where I was able to remain calm, cool, and collected. RosieD wants to be friends again. I simply can't. I won't....I might be able to forgive her in time...but even forgiveness can not give back the friendship she destroyed with 3 words. Three hateful, spiteful, ugly words. She called me last night and I asked her to stop, don't call, don't write, don't contact me. I'm too busy climbing my mountain, reaching my goals, fulfilling my dreams, to let anyone pull me down.







I felt success, I felt triumphant, and then it came toppling down when my best friend admitted to well...I guess the word is "stalking" me. And that story....is to be told on another day. Cause, I'm holding onto feeling good, proud, and reaching my goals....standing on top of the mountain...and admiring the breath taking view. I am thisclose and nothing, no one, can take it from me or stop me.....







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Didn't you know????

I'm a bit of a control freak. Now I was this way before Roo was born and afterwards even more so. Since I couldn't control what was going on with my baby I felt the only thing I could control was my surroundings. Oh, and important things like my hair LOL. Then it got bad for awhile and I tried to control the people around me. Bah! We all know that's a waste of time LOL. Every time we drove to an appt. for Roo, which was always 2 billion miles away, I would drive Roo's Dad insane. Until we realized it was much better for me to be the one driving. There were more then a few times in a parking garage at some hospital he wanted to kill me as I screamed there's a parking spot over there, turn, turn, turn, f it who cares if the van is crooked, LET'S GO!!!!!!! That man had the patience of a saint during that time in our lives. Granted he was far from perfect himself......but I was a control freak.
For the past 2 yrs I have tried to maintain control over my feelings, surroundings, situations, and have made EXTREMELY calculated decisions. Somewhere along the line, recently, I threw all caution to the wind. Thinking to myself, "This will be GREAT!" "This will be GRAND", ya know all the stuff you tell yourself when you decide to leap off that cliff with no regard to what actually may happen. Not such a great decision for a self proclaimed control freak. LOL.
Now my head is spinning, my heart is whothehellknows, and my stomach is in my throat. What am I doing??? That's what I keep asking myself. And it's that question over and over again in my head that's driving me crazy because I don't have an answer and can't seem to control things so carefully because of throwing that caution to the wind. I don't like it when life gets messy. Seriously, who does??? But my life, well it's been really messy, and seriously, DUDE, I need a break. And I've been using "Dude" in too much conversation but it makes me chuckle every time I do. LOL. Is it too much to ask for things to not be so gosh darn complicated???? Part of me wants to run back into the safeness of my fortress, part of me wants to forge on and keep going, part of me just wishes I had a crystal ball.
I know one thing for sure. I can't do chaos. I'm incapable of it, it will break me, and darnit I've worked to hard to piece me back together. I'm a planner, I have to have plan A-Z, like actual plans that will work in reality. I've always been inpatient but I didn't realize until recently how much Roo's life impacted how much I will and will not tolerate in my life. Ya, I'm jaded, I know exactly what I want and I go after it. I don't hem and haw, I'm straightforward to the point so much as I'm in your face. I'm fiercely independent and opinionated. Oh ya, and inpatient, because I don't want to surround myself with negativity or people who live their lives in disarray. Life is too short.......so I took a tangent in my life and now here I am.....facing myself in the mirror, control freak, judgemental, inpatient, angry, it's hard to see all this within myself........now, NOW though........how do I change???? Didn't you know it all starts with Plan A? Cause yes, yes I am, a CONTROL FREAK.

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