Saturday, December 27, 2008

Didn't you know????

I'm a bit of a control freak. Now I was this way before Roo was born and afterwards even more so. Since I couldn't control what was going on with my baby I felt the only thing I could control was my surroundings. Oh, and important things like my hair LOL. Then it got bad for awhile and I tried to control the people around me. Bah! We all know that's a waste of time LOL. Every time we drove to an appt. for Roo, which was always 2 billion miles away, I would drive Roo's Dad insane. Until we realized it was much better for me to be the one driving. There were more then a few times in a parking garage at some hospital he wanted to kill me as I screamed there's a parking spot over there, turn, turn, turn, f it who cares if the van is crooked, LET'S GO!!!!!!! That man had the patience of a saint during that time in our lives. Granted he was far from perfect himself......but I was a control freak.
For the past 2 yrs I have tried to maintain control over my feelings, surroundings, situations, and have made EXTREMELY calculated decisions. Somewhere along the line, recently, I threw all caution to the wind. Thinking to myself, "This will be GREAT!" "This will be GRAND", ya know all the stuff you tell yourself when you decide to leap off that cliff with no regard to what actually may happen. Not such a great decision for a self proclaimed control freak. LOL.
Now my head is spinning, my heart is whothehellknows, and my stomach is in my throat. What am I doing??? That's what I keep asking myself. And it's that question over and over again in my head that's driving me crazy because I don't have an answer and can't seem to control things so carefully because of throwing that caution to the wind. I don't like it when life gets messy. Seriously, who does??? But my life, well it's been really messy, and seriously, DUDE, I need a break. And I've been using "Dude" in too much conversation but it makes me chuckle every time I do. LOL. Is it too much to ask for things to not be so gosh darn complicated???? Part of me wants to run back into the safeness of my fortress, part of me wants to forge on and keep going, part of me just wishes I had a crystal ball.
I know one thing for sure. I can't do chaos. I'm incapable of it, it will break me, and darnit I've worked to hard to piece me back together. I'm a planner, I have to have plan A-Z, like actual plans that will work in reality. I've always been inpatient but I didn't realize until recently how much Roo's life impacted how much I will and will not tolerate in my life. Ya, I'm jaded, I know exactly what I want and I go after it. I don't hem and haw, I'm straightforward to the point so much as I'm in your face. I'm fiercely independent and opinionated. Oh ya, and inpatient, because I don't want to surround myself with negativity or people who live their lives in disarray. Life is too I took a tangent in my life and now here I am.....facing myself in the mirror, control freak, judgemental, inpatient, angry, it's hard to see all this within, NOW do I change???? Didn't you know it all starts with Plan A? Cause yes, yes I am, a CONTROL FREAK.


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