SHHHHHHHHH..........

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Yes, I've been quiet. Kind of strange for me but I have been. I haven't talked to anybody, haven't called anybody, haven't posted a "Have a great week!", "Have a sunshine day!", haven't imed anybody, zip, zero, nada. I've thought and re-thought about posting a blog a thousand times and well there's lots of stuff to say but it's all just stuck up in my head rolling around over and over again. Yes, I know some of you miss me, miss my rambling blogs, miss my rambling ims, miss my rambling voice (if your lucky enough to even get me one the phone ha lol) I miss me too. I'm trying to find myself again and get out of this bacteria infected haze I find myself in. OH wait, that's bacteria infected body. Yes, I'm lucky enough to have been infected with MRSA. Don't know what that is looky here Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA) infection Lucky girl am I not???


My life was going along nicely. Working here and there. Running with the buggers. Making good family memories. Yes, I feel the need to make good family memories everyday to make up for the loss, to make up for all the times Mommy was gone at the hospital with sissy, or gone because I was in the hospital myself. And yes, I was doing a pretty darn good job of it all until an alien sprouted on my stomach and decided to try to crawl from the inside out. Cut off at the knees AGAIN. For those "real" life ppl that know me, that have seen this and that happen to me over and over again, I know you all know what I know already, Yes, I'll be OK. Might be another week or month but once again I'll be somewhat happy and joyfully enjoying my pressure filled days of chasing perfection.


Recently, I keep saying I'm in purgatory. I have to be. Because this life of mine. The really good stuff does not outweigh the pure crappiness of some of my life situations. I keep thinking what is it that I did to be stuck here. I keep thinking it's not the decisions I'm making, I don't do self-inflicted drama anymore. Yeah, I got dealt a pretty crappy hand in life in general but me, who has been called a pessimist more times then I can count, has to be a true optimist. Or have an UNending glassful of HOPE. Because ,that is the only way I find myself getting through every day of my life. Hope that it will be better. Hope that physically and emotionally I will be better, Hope, when I see my children's smiling little faces at the end of a really good day, where their Mommy laughed, smiled, cried, danced, hugged, kissed, and screamed you drive me crazy and I love you more then 2000 times, Hope that life WILL BE GOOD, Hope that all this hoping will get me somewhere.


This darn MRSA infection is throwing me physically and emotionally for a great huge loop-de-loop with wayyyyyyyyy too much time on my hands to think. Me being bored is not a good thing in any shape or form. I'm thinking though in the grand scheme of things, I need more then just HOPE. Maybe I need to believe in that hope and that will get me somewhere. Sounds good in theory right??? LOL.


So for all of you missing me, thank you for the I'm missing you and worried about you emails. Thanks for calling me from a private number because if you know me all that well you know that I can't resist answering the phone AT ALL when it says private number. Then, I answer and realize dayum I got nabbed again, roll my eyeballs and 30 seconds into the conversation start thanking God that my phone actually rang. Nope, it wasn't shut off from lack of payment, have the money to pay it just not the will to write out the check or call to pay it. It still works darn thing.


Have I been smiling? Not much. Pleasant to talk too, ummmm if you've imed me or called me, you be the judge. Sick as a dog wishing for death at times, Yep that'd be me. What keeps me going you ask? Hope. One lovely four letter word. H.O.P.E. That today will be a better day. And as I sit here in my house all by myself, cruising the Internet, and avoiding just about everybody, watching my shows on TV after they have been dvred only because I can't watch t.v. without hitting fast forward and get mad when it says live TV, and waiting for the best part of my day, picking my Blue Bell up from school.



Yes, the best part of my day. That 45 min trek I make back and forth. Praying the whole way there that my little tween had a good day, thinking of this and that, and realizing that I'm even becoming too lazy to change the radio station when there's a totally sucky song on, living for the moment when she blasts herself into my car like Kramer on Seinfeld. Yes, that is the moment I live for. Will I have to listen to her whine today and cringe the whole way home thinking, man the rest of this day is gonna SUCK, or if I'm really lucky listen to her sing, smile, and tattle on and on about her day and think to myself, yes this is what life is. Being a MOM to this wonderful kid. The one who throws her underwear on her head and dances around the house to get her Mom to freak out and laugh her ass off all at the same time, because she knows her Mom is pretty sad, not good at faking it, and dayum somebody better resort to some drastic measures to get this women laughing and smiling again. Some might say she has issues, I just say lookee here, She's got me as a Mom, and in the big picture that can be a good and bad thing, where do you think she learned the whole I'll make ya laugh with my tinkerbell underwear on my head stint anyways??


But, I'm rambling and going off on tangents again. In my life, I've always thought of myself under rubble trying to claw my way out. Even before I lost my Roo. Even before she was a thought in my mind. See, being cut off at the knees when life seems to be sailing along quite nicely happens to me A LOT. Yes yes, we all have big, bad things happen to us. That's life. But me, I still want to know why in the hell do I get stuck with the "I've never heard of that" fill in the blank. Why I endlessly keep drawing up the short end of the stick. But I could question that all day long. My life is what it is. And each and every single day I fill it with Hope and wait for whatever it is facing me around the next corner.


Sometimes when I'm lucky, it's my lovely tween just waiting to casually walk by and give me a wet willy in my ear or if I'm lucky having 5 min of quiet time thinking hmmmmmm it's way too quiet around here before she pounces into the room, underwear on head and all, singing away, and laughing my little heart out. Yep, that's the good stuff.


Don't judge, snicker a little, yeah she may have issues, but then again I'm her Mommy.


F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Tween

Tween........
I drive so much nowadays with the girls in 2 different schools. Blue Bell's school an hr round trip and Tinker Tot's another 15 away from where I live. Then there's those 4xs a week I'm about 40 more miles away at the gym with Blue. So, in all this driving it gives me tons of time to think. Last night, as I was driving Blue home from gym I thought about my past 9yrs with her. Just her and me. I was a single parent when Blue was born, young, working hard to get by and establish a nice life for her and me. This is going to sound strange but I had tons of support but at the same time I was all alone. In the 9 1/2yrs that I have been her Mother or since becoming a Mother there have been so many bright spots and many lows. Blue Bell is an amazing young girl in every way. And in every way she is my clone, my mini-me, right down to the way she talks, the way she loves, her passion, her competitiveness, always striving to accomplish and be the best she can be. But, she's also stubborn, moody, did I mention stubborn, bossy, nosey, and has ADHD, and post traumatic stress disorder.
It wasn't until Tinker Tot was born that I truly realized how challenging my Blue can be. I mean of course there were the terrible 2's when I can remember sitting in my Mother's living room crying my eyeballs out saying that I would never make it. The frustration, the exhaustion, the level of dislike I had for her that evening still lingers in my mind and haunts me. Here we are 7yrs later and it's like she's 2 all over again some days. I have an oober amount of patience for my Blue Bell. My heart breaks for her in so many ways and I give her as much as I can emotionally and otherwise.
Let me backtrack for a second and give you all some background info.....maybe this blog will make a little more sense. In my life things have not lasted very long. My parents divorced when I was Blue Bell's age. We moved so much I never was in one school or state longer then 3 yrs. My family members and I since the divorce all go through periods of time where we don't speak for years, then talk for a few, then don't speak again. So needless to say the one constant in my life for the last 9yrs has been Blue Bell. Friends have come and gone, Relationships have come and gone, family has come and gone. But in 9yrs, ALL 9yrs, there has been Blue. It is sad and wonderful all at the same time. She is the longest relationship and constant I have had in my whole life.
Realizing that last night was strange for me. Thinking about our 9yrs together the ups and downs, the triumphs and struggles, the tears and joy. Lately, her and I have been butting heads BIG TIME. It hurts so bad. I hate when we are angry at each other, I hate when I have to rein her in with boundaries and punishment. It is so HARD. But this weekend, well the S*t hit the fan. It was an awful battle of the wills between her and I on Saturday and I spent most of my day hating every minute of my life. ALL. OF. IT.
I guess as Mothers we all feel that way now and then. It was a day I thought neither one of us would survive but we did. Tinker Tot cried, she was scared, she's never seen me so angry. She's never seen her sister so angry. We all hung in there, Blue staking out her side of the battle, me staking out mine. I was not going to give into her relentless teen ways and tried everything I knew to do. Tinker Tot isn't permanently scared for life. Actually, I think it was a learning experience for her. She doesn't want to make Mommy that mad E.V.E.R. But Tinker is the complete opposite of Louie........I'll have to write a blog of her own one day soon.
I was racking my brain on Sat. night to think where oh where did things go wrong that day? Why did my Blue Bell have such a meltdown? Why must she test and push to see how far she can go and every button there is? There was no clear cut answer. Usually, I could think well this happened or I know she saw something that reminded her of Roo, or some reason or excuse for the complete and total fit of rage and anger. But this weekend, there was no excuse other then she's 9yrs old and I swear she has PMS already LOL.
I felt on Sat. what I felt those 7yrs ago in my Mother's living room. How am I going to do this? How am I going to survive her tween and teenage years? I'm older now, wiser sure, but physically not up for a battle of the wills with her. I feel like sometimes we are in the terrible 2's all over again. I guess what I need is a break. A serious 24-48hrs of no kids, just some time for me. And just like when she was 2 I have support but I feel all alone too.
I see other Moms I know that are able to just dump off their kids on the 1st person that they can find to watch them and go out and have fun or stay home and relax. For me, I've never been able to do that. I feel so much guilt for asking someone to take her. People have offered, I guess it all goes back to me not being the greatest at asking for help.
I love Blue Bell with all my heart and soul. Because she is so much like me, so strong, so loving, so insightful, brave, intelligent, beautiful. She captures peoples hearts and so many love her. She is top of her class at school. She is rocking it in gymnastics. She is growing and thriving but MAN the growing pains are tough.
We will survive just like we always have and do. I'm sure I will continue to tell her that I'm taking her receipt and returning her cause she's broken and she'll laugh and smile at me. I'll tell her I'm putting her up on Ebay. She'll roll her eyes. I'll tell her get that homework done. She'll so lovingly screech "I AM!!!!!!!"
That's my Blue Bell. My dynamic, complicated, moody, and sometimes angry kid. Full of energy, Full of love, Full of lots of tween hormones.
My Blue. My tween monster. My heart, joy, and laughter. I can only think that God gave me Blue Bell to keep me on my toes, to keep me going in the dark moments of grief, to remind me of everything good.
It's been quite a ride in Motherhood with her. I look forward to our next 9 1/2 yrs and beyond. I'm excited to see how she grows and who she becomes.
In the meantime, I'm sure there will be days when I'm ransacking my house looking for that receipt.