Friday, December 17, 2004HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY PRINCESS Roo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe that Roo is 1 today. When she was born I had no clue the journey we were about to begin. I had no clue that in this last year Roo would help me to heal family relationships, teach me how strong I can be, bring Tinker's Dad back into her life, and touch everyone that meets her. I have learned so much from this little girl of mine, so much about life. I cherish everyday I have with her. I don't think that I will ever be able to truly accept everything that has happened to her. Bu,t I believe that I am ready to live again for my children, to give Roo much love and happiness everyday as she gives to those around her.
All of my friends just absolutely fell in love with her last week. Every minute of the day someone was holding her and she just loved it. I know you all are waiting for details, I'm just so busy living again.Her appt was awesome we go back on Jan 3 for testing. They are going to do the skin biopsy again, evoked potential testing on her eyes, eeg, mri, gi, pulmo, cardio, another swallowing study, we are gonna be busy. The doctor at the clinic put his initial diagnosis as Metabolic encephalopathy, mental retardation, failure to thrive, and short stature. Roo has not really grown since she was 8 months old. Her head circumference is the same, her weight up and down if we could hit 17 lbs and keep going I would be a happy mommy!, and her length has been the same for 4 months. I told the doctor, I know she is the way she is, but I would like a diagnosis to at least have something to go by. He said that there is a 30% chance we may not find one. He will go as far as I want to go in looking. He confirmed what I already knew about this being progressive. He would like to try the mito cocktail or something like that but he wants to do his testing 1st. I told him I was moving up in Feb. and was surprised when he said that the testing can't wait till then.
So, we are on a better path, still not a great one, but better!Roo has been doing OK, she has another ear infection she needs tubes. Her breathing is awful and I'm so sick and tired of bringing her to the doctor and them telling me its because she has no productive cough and that's just the way it is. I mean there's got be something I can do to get that crap out her throat and chest. I have been doing chest pt that her therapist taught me, I can move some of it but not always. I'm doing breathing treatments and just praying it gets better.She's also been having trouble pooping lately. It seems like she is just not strong enough to push it out, poor thing. She just tries so hard and nothing so me and mostly her dad have been helping her out. I tried some mineral oil to see if that would help and after 3 days still nothing so we'll see.
After being in Ohio last week, around my family and friends, I feel a great sense of peace. I know that whatever happens I will be OK, that my girls and I are surrounded by love, and Roo's life will change people and touch them. It's awesome just to watch my friends hold her, I can see in their eyes the love, and how she just literally melts their heart.
updated: Roo did touch so many lives and change people. I am forever grateful for what she gave here on earth. Blue Bells' 1st gym meet was on the 18th last year, this year the championships are on the 18th. I met a Mom and little girl last year at Blue's 1st gym meet. The little baby girl had Mito, what are the odds, I like to believe that many of Blue's meets are on the 18th to remind us that Roo is still with us and proud of the both of us. For the Mom I am able to be despite her loss, for the wonderful, amazing, shining, girl Blue is, despite having watched Roo die a slow death. She would be 5 now, I'm sure fighting with Tinker over my affection and attention, Blue being annoyed by both her little sissies, God chose this path that we all walk. I step back in wonder everyday at how much Tinker and Blue's bond has grown. How Blue has let go of her anger towards Tinker, because she is not Roo, how they both have flourished and grown. I miss Roo so much, I know Blue misses her too, each day the both of us live to honor her and her memory, understanding each other more then most Mother's and daughter's can........We may not talk about Roo much to the people around us, We may act like life has moved on, truth is we don't need to express through words anymore, those around us know how much we have suffered, how much we have fought to come back and learn how to live without Roo and through her memory, how lucky are we, that through a wink, smile, hug, or encouraging words, we know that everyone around us that loves us deeply, also carries our sweet Roo in their hearts.....F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHHblue raz
Showing posts with label Motherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Motherhood. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
SHHHHHHHHH..........
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Yes, I've been quiet. Kind of strange for me but I have been. I haven't talked to anybody, haven't called anybody, haven't posted a "Have a great week!", "Have a sunshine day!", haven't imed anybody, zip, zero, nada. I've thought and re-thought about posting a blog a thousand times and well there's lots of stuff to say but it's all just stuck up in my head rolling around over and over again. Yes, I know some of you miss me, miss my rambling blogs, miss my rambling ims, miss my rambling voice (if your lucky enough to even get me one the phone ha lol) I miss me too. I'm trying to find myself again and get out of this bacteria infected haze I find myself in. OH wait, that's bacteria infected body. Yes, I'm lucky enough to have been infected with MRSA. Don't know what that is looky here Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA) infection Lucky girl am I not???
My life was going along nicely. Working here and there. Running with the buggers. Making good family memories. Yes, I feel the need to make good family memories everyday to make up for the loss, to make up for all the times Mommy was gone at the hospital with sissy, or gone because I was in the hospital myself. And yes, I was doing a pretty darn good job of it all until an alien sprouted on my stomach and decided to try to crawl from the inside out. Cut off at the knees AGAIN. For those "real" life ppl that know me, that have seen this and that happen to me over and over again, I know you all know what I know already, Yes, I'll be OK. Might be another week or month but once again I'll be somewhat happy and joyfully enjoying my pressure filled days of chasing perfection.
Recently, I keep saying I'm in purgatory. I have to be. Because this life of mine. The really good stuff does not outweigh the pure crappiness of some of my life situations. I keep thinking what is it that I did to be stuck here. I keep thinking it's not the decisions I'm making, I don't do self-inflicted drama anymore. Yeah, I got dealt a pretty crappy hand in life in general but me, who has been called a pessimist more times then I can count, has to be a true optimist. Or have an UNending glassful of HOPE. Because ,that is the only way I find myself getting through every day of my life. Hope that it will be better. Hope that physically and emotionally I will be better, Hope, when I see my children's smiling little faces at the end of a really good day, where their Mommy laughed, smiled, cried, danced, hugged, kissed, and screamed you drive me crazy and I love you more then 2000 times, Hope that life WILL BE GOOD, Hope that all this hoping will get me somewhere.
This darn MRSA infection is throwing me physically and emotionally for a great huge loop-de-loop with wayyyyyyyyy too much time on my hands to think. Me being bored is not a good thing in any shape or form. I'm thinking though in the grand scheme of things, I need more then just HOPE. Maybe I need to believe in that hope and that will get me somewhere. Sounds good in theory right??? LOL.
So for all of you missing me, thank you for the I'm missing you and worried about you emails. Thanks for calling me from a private number because if you know me all that well you know that I can't resist answering the phone AT ALL when it says private number. Then, I answer and realize dayum I got nabbed again, roll my eyeballs and 30 seconds into the conversation start thanking God that my phone actually rang. Nope, it wasn't shut off from lack of payment, have the money to pay it just not the will to write out the check or call to pay it. It still works darn thing.
Have I been smiling? Not much. Pleasant to talk too, ummmm if you've imed me or called me, you be the judge. Sick as a dog wishing for death at times, Yep that'd be me. What keeps me going you ask? Hope. One lovely four letter word. H.O.P.E. That today will be a better day. And as I sit here in my house all by myself, cruising the Internet, and avoiding just about everybody, watching my shows on TV after they have been dvred only because I can't watch t.v. without hitting fast forward and get mad when it says live TV, and waiting for the best part of my day, picking my Blue Bell up from school.
Yes, the best part of my day. That 45 min trek I make back and forth. Praying the whole way there that my little tween had a good day, thinking of this and that, and realizing that I'm even becoming too lazy to change the radio station when there's a totally sucky song on, living for the moment when she blasts herself into my car like Kramer on Seinfeld. Yes, that is the moment I live for. Will I have to listen to her whine today and cringe the whole way home thinking, man the rest of this day is gonna SUCK, or if I'm really lucky listen to her sing, smile, and tattle on and on about her day and think to myself, yes this is what life is. Being a MOM to this wonderful kid. The one who throws her underwear on her head and dances around the house to get her Mom to freak out and laugh her ass off all at the same time, because she knows her Mom is pretty sad, not good at faking it, and dayum somebody better resort to some drastic measures to get this women laughing and smiling again. Some might say she has issues, I just say lookee here, She's got me as a Mom, and in the big picture that can be a good and bad thing, where do you think she learned the whole I'll make ya laugh with my tinkerbell underwear on my head stint anyways??
But, I'm rambling and going off on tangents again. In my life, I've always thought of myself under rubble trying to claw my way out. Even before I lost my Roo. Even before she was a thought in my mind. See, being cut off at the knees when life seems to be sailing along quite nicely happens to me A LOT. Yes yes, we all have big, bad things happen to us. That's life. But me, I still want to know why in the hell do I get stuck with the "I've never heard of that" fill in the blank. Why I endlessly keep drawing up the short end of the stick. But I could question that all day long. My life is what it is. And each and every single day I fill it with Hope and wait for whatever it is facing me around the next corner.
Sometimes when I'm lucky, it's my lovely tween just waiting to casually walk by and give me a wet willy in my ear or if I'm lucky having 5 min of quiet time thinking hmmmmmm it's way too quiet around here before she pounces into the room, underwear on head and all, singing away, and laughing my little heart out. Yep, that's the good stuff.
Don't judge, snicker a little, yeah she may have issues, but then again I'm her Mommy.
F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Yes, I've been quiet. Kind of strange for me but I have been. I haven't talked to anybody, haven't called anybody, haven't posted a "Have a great week!", "Have a sunshine day!", haven't imed anybody, zip, zero, nada. I've thought and re-thought about posting a blog a thousand times and well there's lots of stuff to say but it's all just stuck up in my head rolling around over and over again. Yes, I know some of you miss me, miss my rambling blogs, miss my rambling ims, miss my rambling voice (if your lucky enough to even get me one the phone ha lol) I miss me too. I'm trying to find myself again and get out of this bacteria infected haze I find myself in. OH wait, that's bacteria infected body. Yes, I'm lucky enough to have been infected with MRSA. Don't know what that is looky here Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA) infection Lucky girl am I not???
My life was going along nicely. Working here and there. Running with the buggers. Making good family memories. Yes, I feel the need to make good family memories everyday to make up for the loss, to make up for all the times Mommy was gone at the hospital with sissy, or gone because I was in the hospital myself. And yes, I was doing a pretty darn good job of it all until an alien sprouted on my stomach and decided to try to crawl from the inside out. Cut off at the knees AGAIN. For those "real" life ppl that know me, that have seen this and that happen to me over and over again, I know you all know what I know already, Yes, I'll be OK. Might be another week or month but once again I'll be somewhat happy and joyfully enjoying my pressure filled days of chasing perfection.
Recently, I keep saying I'm in purgatory. I have to be. Because this life of mine. The really good stuff does not outweigh the pure crappiness of some of my life situations. I keep thinking what is it that I did to be stuck here. I keep thinking it's not the decisions I'm making, I don't do self-inflicted drama anymore. Yeah, I got dealt a pretty crappy hand in life in general but me, who has been called a pessimist more times then I can count, has to be a true optimist. Or have an UNending glassful of HOPE. Because ,that is the only way I find myself getting through every day of my life. Hope that it will be better. Hope that physically and emotionally I will be better, Hope, when I see my children's smiling little faces at the end of a really good day, where their Mommy laughed, smiled, cried, danced, hugged, kissed, and screamed you drive me crazy and I love you more then 2000 times, Hope that life WILL BE GOOD, Hope that all this hoping will get me somewhere.
This darn MRSA infection is throwing me physically and emotionally for a great huge loop-de-loop with wayyyyyyyyy too much time on my hands to think. Me being bored is not a good thing in any shape or form. I'm thinking though in the grand scheme of things, I need more then just HOPE. Maybe I need to believe in that hope and that will get me somewhere. Sounds good in theory right??? LOL.
So for all of you missing me, thank you for the I'm missing you and worried about you emails. Thanks for calling me from a private number because if you know me all that well you know that I can't resist answering the phone AT ALL when it says private number. Then, I answer and realize dayum I got nabbed again, roll my eyeballs and 30 seconds into the conversation start thanking God that my phone actually rang. Nope, it wasn't shut off from lack of payment, have the money to pay it just not the will to write out the check or call to pay it. It still works darn thing.
Have I been smiling? Not much. Pleasant to talk too, ummmm if you've imed me or called me, you be the judge. Sick as a dog wishing for death at times, Yep that'd be me. What keeps me going you ask? Hope. One lovely four letter word. H.O.P.E. That today will be a better day. And as I sit here in my house all by myself, cruising the Internet, and avoiding just about everybody, watching my shows on TV after they have been dvred only because I can't watch t.v. without hitting fast forward and get mad when it says live TV, and waiting for the best part of my day, picking my Blue Bell up from school.
Yes, the best part of my day. That 45 min trek I make back and forth. Praying the whole way there that my little tween had a good day, thinking of this and that, and realizing that I'm even becoming too lazy to change the radio station when there's a totally sucky song on, living for the moment when she blasts herself into my car like Kramer on Seinfeld. Yes, that is the moment I live for. Will I have to listen to her whine today and cringe the whole way home thinking, man the rest of this day is gonna SUCK, or if I'm really lucky listen to her sing, smile, and tattle on and on about her day and think to myself, yes this is what life is. Being a MOM to this wonderful kid. The one who throws her underwear on her head and dances around the house to get her Mom to freak out and laugh her ass off all at the same time, because she knows her Mom is pretty sad, not good at faking it, and dayum somebody better resort to some drastic measures to get this women laughing and smiling again. Some might say she has issues, I just say lookee here, She's got me as a Mom, and in the big picture that can be a good and bad thing, where do you think she learned the whole I'll make ya laugh with my tinkerbell underwear on my head stint anyways??
But, I'm rambling and going off on tangents again. In my life, I've always thought of myself under rubble trying to claw my way out. Even before I lost my Roo. Even before she was a thought in my mind. See, being cut off at the knees when life seems to be sailing along quite nicely happens to me A LOT. Yes yes, we all have big, bad things happen to us. That's life. But me, I still want to know why in the hell do I get stuck with the "I've never heard of that" fill in the blank. Why I endlessly keep drawing up the short end of the stick. But I could question that all day long. My life is what it is. And each and every single day I fill it with Hope and wait for whatever it is facing me around the next corner.
Sometimes when I'm lucky, it's my lovely tween just waiting to casually walk by and give me a wet willy in my ear or if I'm lucky having 5 min of quiet time thinking hmmmmmm it's way too quiet around here before she pounces into the room, underwear on head and all, singing away, and laughing my little heart out. Yep, that's the good stuff.
Don't judge, snicker a little, yeah she may have issues, but then again I'm her Mommy.
F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Monday, January 12, 2009
My body always remembers......
My body always remembers no matter how hard I try to keep busy. No matter how hard I try to block out the date. It's there. The 18th. Looming every month as another month gone by since I held my baby. Since I've seen her laugh and smile. Since I've held her curled up in my arms, next to me, rubbing her little hand, and laying cheek to cheek. Sleeping with her in my arms, holding her forehead so that she could rest without the constant movement from her involuntary moments.
My heart is aching. It's so weird to live life, be happy, live normally, get up day after day, get dressed, smile and laugh and make new memories with the girlies, and then wake up one day and feel like all my emotional progress has just been wiped away, but so goes the journey of grief.
I'm finally better from this last round of illness I battled for 3 weeks. More tests on Thurs and possibly a muscle biopsy. It was hard and daunting but I must say that now when I get sick, I don't get depressed. It is a fact of my life. I learned from Roo that I can get through anything. When I'm so struck down physically, I draw from Roo's strength, her spirit, she always fought so hard. I know that no matter what ickie weird infection that may strike me down I will always bounce right back up. Takes time, but I do.
When Roo was alive I always felt if I had enough will for her to live she would. I would guess most mothers would feel the same in that situation. We have to, in order to survive the pain, in order to get by each and everyday of watching lose a little piece of our children, to a horrible disease. I've learned to take that strong emotion, that strong emotional will, and apply it to myself now when I get sick. It is true what they say, if you think good things, they will happen.
On a lighter note, because yes, life has been bright, shiny, and happy lately!!!! Blue
Bell got straight A's again and Tinker Tot is closer to being home full time!!! Oh, my girlies are growing up!! I have a busy day lying ahead of me and needed to get my grief feelings out, to start my day. So, I guess this is a selfish blog, it's just for me, because in my real life, I can't walk around today saying, ohhhh how my heart just hurts today, ohhh Roo is on my mind with every breath I take, with every beat of my heart, with every thought passing through my mind.
Honestly, this past week, I've been shiny and upbeat, feeling SO MUCH BETTER PHYSICALLY PRAISE GOD!!! and living in the moment. Following the new journey that God has placed before me, cherishing, and loving every moment of it. What I do with my days, lifts my spirit, and helps me to be able to give back into the world. Helps the girlies to see their Mommy in a new light, in a different way, and the positive impact far outweighs anything else.
I have had peace and healing come into my heart. The positive in my life, the steps forward I am making are truly remarkable. The way I view the world through my eyes is forever changed because of my Roo. I see so much goodness, I see the potential in every child that is close to me, I can see past so much to see the goodness, something I wasn't ever able to do before. Isn't it amazing how one little tiny girl change so much in so short a time?????
No matter how hard I try to forget she is no longer here. No matter how hard I try to forget the pain, no matter how hard I strive to maintain the positive and goodness I am surrounded by, my body never forgets. It hurts, it stings, but also where I am now, I take a moment feel it, refocus, stand back up tall, take a breath wipe away my tears, and know that my baby is shining down on me, through me, through her sissies, proud of us all, and saying GO MOMMY GO!!! Grab your dreams, grab your ambition, grab that happiness that lies right there before you, and I do. I'm holding on to it tightly, this journey God has placed before me, to help me to heal, and at the same time help others by reaching out through love.
No matter how hard I try to forget, what I do with my days, everyday, is the same thing I did for my Roo when she was alive here on earth. It's positive, it's giving, it's providing that strong sense of will to others, it's adding goodness to the world. it's emotional, it's giving, it's draining, BUT IT GIVES BACK SO MUCH MORE. Fills my spirit, fills my emotional emptiness, fills my heart.
Let the day begin, no more tears, there is much work to be done. I'll be smiling today, breathing, enjoying my healthy body (for the moment) and watch little miracles happen.
No matter how hard I try to forget, my body always remembers, and my spirit gets stronger as I feel God and Roo give me the will to reach my goals and dreams.
How wonderfully blessed am I??? I can't even put it into words. I miss Roo, I miss Tinker(she's at the ex-idiots), Blue is finally sleeping........I'm sitting here bracing myself for the 18th......This month...the 18th...I'll be sitting at Blue's gym meet, cheering her on, holding my breath as she begins each routine...thinking how things have come full circle. Blue started back at gym the day we buried Roo, now, she's a star gymnast, shining and beaming, reaching the podium, her room filled with medals and trophies. A young girl that works so hard, loves what she can do, and has a greater understanding on what a gift it is to be able to flip, fly, and twirl. All the while, knowing our Roo, is smiling down, watching us, watching me beam with pride, my heart swell with joy, as Blue continues to succeed and impress everyone with her will and spirit....it's no wonder those 2 had a bond like no other............2 sisters...one born into a broken body with a huge spirit...and one that is finally able to do what she loves...in memory of her sissy.....one word that sums up my life....BITTERSWEET. F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH mango martini.
My heart is aching. It's so weird to live life, be happy, live normally, get up day after day, get dressed, smile and laugh and make new memories with the girlies, and then wake up one day and feel like all my emotional progress has just been wiped away, but so goes the journey of grief.
I'm finally better from this last round of illness I battled for 3 weeks. More tests on Thurs and possibly a muscle biopsy. It was hard and daunting but I must say that now when I get sick, I don't get depressed. It is a fact of my life. I learned from Roo that I can get through anything. When I'm so struck down physically, I draw from Roo's strength, her spirit, she always fought so hard. I know that no matter what ickie weird infection that may strike me down I will always bounce right back up. Takes time, but I do.
When Roo was alive I always felt if I had enough will for her to live she would. I would guess most mothers would feel the same in that situation. We have to, in order to survive the pain, in order to get by each and everyday of watching lose a little piece of our children, to a horrible disease. I've learned to take that strong emotion, that strong emotional will, and apply it to myself now when I get sick. It is true what they say, if you think good things, they will happen.
On a lighter note, because yes, life has been bright, shiny, and happy lately!!!! Blue
Bell got straight A's again and Tinker Tot is closer to being home full time!!! Oh, my girlies are growing up!! I have a busy day lying ahead of me and needed to get my grief feelings out, to start my day. So, I guess this is a selfish blog, it's just for me, because in my real life, I can't walk around today saying, ohhhh how my heart just hurts today, ohhh Roo is on my mind with every breath I take, with every beat of my heart, with every thought passing through my mind.
Honestly, this past week, I've been shiny and upbeat, feeling SO MUCH BETTER PHYSICALLY PRAISE GOD!!! and living in the moment. Following the new journey that God has placed before me, cherishing, and loving every moment of it. What I do with my days, lifts my spirit, and helps me to be able to give back into the world. Helps the girlies to see their Mommy in a new light, in a different way, and the positive impact far outweighs anything else.
I have had peace and healing come into my heart. The positive in my life, the steps forward I am making are truly remarkable. The way I view the world through my eyes is forever changed because of my Roo. I see so much goodness, I see the potential in every child that is close to me, I can see past so much to see the goodness, something I wasn't ever able to do before. Isn't it amazing how one little tiny girl change so much in so short a time?????
No matter how hard I try to forget she is no longer here. No matter how hard I try to forget the pain, no matter how hard I strive to maintain the positive and goodness I am surrounded by, my body never forgets. It hurts, it stings, but also where I am now, I take a moment feel it, refocus, stand back up tall, take a breath wipe away my tears, and know that my baby is shining down on me, through me, through her sissies, proud of us all, and saying GO MOMMY GO!!! Grab your dreams, grab your ambition, grab that happiness that lies right there before you, and I do. I'm holding on to it tightly, this journey God has placed before me, to help me to heal, and at the same time help others by reaching out through love.
No matter how hard I try to forget, what I do with my days, everyday, is the same thing I did for my Roo when she was alive here on earth. It's positive, it's giving, it's providing that strong sense of will to others, it's adding goodness to the world. it's emotional, it's giving, it's draining, BUT IT GIVES BACK SO MUCH MORE. Fills my spirit, fills my emotional emptiness, fills my heart.
Let the day begin, no more tears, there is much work to be done. I'll be smiling today, breathing, enjoying my healthy body (for the moment) and watch little miracles happen.
No matter how hard I try to forget, my body always remembers, and my spirit gets stronger as I feel God and Roo give me the will to reach my goals and dreams.
How wonderfully blessed am I??? I can't even put it into words. I miss Roo, I miss Tinker(she's at the ex-idiots), Blue is finally sleeping........I'm sitting here bracing myself for the 18th......This month...the 18th...I'll be sitting at Blue's gym meet, cheering her on, holding my breath as she begins each routine...thinking how things have come full circle. Blue started back at gym the day we buried Roo, now, she's a star gymnast, shining and beaming, reaching the podium, her room filled with medals and trophies. A young girl that works so hard, loves what she can do, and has a greater understanding on what a gift it is to be able to flip, fly, and twirl. All the while, knowing our Roo, is smiling down, watching us, watching me beam with pride, my heart swell with joy, as Blue continues to succeed and impress everyone with her will and spirit....it's no wonder those 2 had a bond like no other............2 sisters...one born into a broken body with a huge spirit...and one that is finally able to do what she loves...in memory of her sissy.....one word that sums up my life....BITTERSWEET. F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH mango martini.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Could it be over?
Sometimes I feel like my life is over. Between the loss of my Roo and the not so good relationships and friendships I've had it's hard to believe there is still hope. I've lived here for 3 1/2 yrs now and it's just recently, I finally feel I'm trying to build myself a life. A life filled with positive people. Some days, I just go through the motions of living and for awhile I was perfectly satisfied with that. Always taking steps forward but almost sleep-walking through life. My life has never been traditional neither in my childhood or adulthood. I talked with my Dad for a long time yesterday. I love talking to my Dad. He is a man that is filled with wisdom and has an amazing capacity for being objective. He said to me, "I don't know what normal is but it sounds like you've finally found the way to balance yours." How true is that.
I'm constantly analyzing things. How I feel, Am I a good Mother?, is this person or that person a good influence in my life and the girlies, what are my goals, how to achieve them......One thing I've done since Roo died was concentrate all my energy on Blue Bell and Tinker Tot. Putting everything I have into them. It's truly the 1st time I've been a single parent and it's been hard but also I've come to realize something, I can and am doing quite well.
I'm a person that doesn't like to be alone. I know this and accept it. My Mother jumped from relationship to relationship growing up and it's a pattern I have myself. After Roo though, I know what I will not accept and will accept in a relationship and I've decided I won't settle for anything less. Living life and appearing to live life are 2 different things. I'm a highly emotional person duh LOL if you read my ramblings that's not hard to figure out. Stepping out of my comfort zone is something I'm always doing. Something my Dad taught me long ago.......with graphs and pictures even LOL. Thing is though, I've been stepping out of my comfort zone.....but keeping my emotions locked up.
Now, few have found the key to get me to open up. Few have been brave and patient enough to stand by me as they witness my moods and emotions fluctuate all over the place. I want to be able to share my life with someone and be as open as I know I can be. But, when I open up, let down my walls, it scares the living crap out of me, and the self-doubt that doesn't exist comes pouring out. Right now, it's one of the biggest hurdles I'm trying to overcome. Because, I can't endure any more disappointment. I don't want to endure anymore hurt. But, I wear my heart on my sleeve, when I open it up. The hope is exhilarating. The doubt is crippling. Two extremes. How do I balance that?
I have no patience in waiting to see what will be or what is. I want to know NOW but that's not how life works. I am choosing to walk around with myself exposed to the world right now. Sharing my feelings in real life and here in this blog. I feel vulnerable. I don't like it. But it's necessary. Because my life is NOT over. It's a new beginning. It's a fresh start. A new chapter. I've just always been the type of person to read the last page of a new book to see how it ends before I even know how it began.
My emotions are all over the place. And for the most part they are good. Happy, hopeful, smiling, laughing..........and I want to hold onto all of that as firmly as I can. Because sometimes there are happy endings right????
F*Lushhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I'm constantly analyzing things. How I feel, Am I a good Mother?, is this person or that person a good influence in my life and the girlies, what are my goals, how to achieve them......One thing I've done since Roo died was concentrate all my energy on Blue Bell and Tinker Tot. Putting everything I have into them. It's truly the 1st time I've been a single parent and it's been hard but also I've come to realize something, I can and am doing quite well.
I'm a person that doesn't like to be alone. I know this and accept it. My Mother jumped from relationship to relationship growing up and it's a pattern I have myself. After Roo though, I know what I will not accept and will accept in a relationship and I've decided I won't settle for anything less. Living life and appearing to live life are 2 different things. I'm a highly emotional person duh LOL if you read my ramblings that's not hard to figure out. Stepping out of my comfort zone is something I'm always doing. Something my Dad taught me long ago.......with graphs and pictures even LOL. Thing is though, I've been stepping out of my comfort zone.....but keeping my emotions locked up.
Now, few have found the key to get me to open up. Few have been brave and patient enough to stand by me as they witness my moods and emotions fluctuate all over the place. I want to be able to share my life with someone and be as open as I know I can be. But, when I open up, let down my walls, it scares the living crap out of me, and the self-doubt that doesn't exist comes pouring out. Right now, it's one of the biggest hurdles I'm trying to overcome. Because, I can't endure any more disappointment. I don't want to endure anymore hurt. But, I wear my heart on my sleeve, when I open it up. The hope is exhilarating. The doubt is crippling. Two extremes. How do I balance that?
I have no patience in waiting to see what will be or what is. I want to know NOW but that's not how life works. I am choosing to walk around with myself exposed to the world right now. Sharing my feelings in real life and here in this blog. I feel vulnerable. I don't like it. But it's necessary. Because my life is NOT over. It's a new beginning. It's a fresh start. A new chapter. I've just always been the type of person to read the last page of a new book to see how it ends before I even know how it began.
My emotions are all over the place. And for the most part they are good. Happy, hopeful, smiling, laughing..........and I want to hold onto all of that as firmly as I can. Because sometimes there are happy endings right????
F*Lushhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Friday, January 9, 2009
I cry for Roo
I cry for you today sweet Roo.
So, here I sit with tears streaming down my face. I'm tired. Tired of many things and yet grateful for so many things. I feel conflicted inside I don't know I just guess it's where I am in my grief. I just sat and watched the video I made for Roo. I watch it everyday and most days it makes me happy but today it made me cry. Yes ,the 18th is coming, I am more emotional. Feelings that I thought I could bury and let go have reared their ugly head in my heart.
I don't have hatred, I don't have regret, I have a bit of anger, but that's only because of judgements placed on me by others. Now, I should be the 1st to know that I should not let what others think about me bother me. What bothers me so much and what I try so hard NOT to think about is the perception of what people think happened at the end of your life. I fought so hard for you, my baby, with every ounce of my being and soul. I spent so many hours on the phone with doctors, hours at the specialists, hours doing research, hours holding you while you seized and not being able to do a dayum thing about it, hours laying next to you watching you sleep praying out to GOD please SAVE MY BABY. When I was still in thatstinkinstate I believed that if I moved to Ohio, got better doctors, and all the medical equipment I needed to keep you alive that you would LIVE. I believed I could save you Roo, I believed with all the love I had for my sweet girl, I could SAVE MY ROO.
It wasn't until the day when I met with her epilepsy neuro and her metabolic neuro and they told me that she had atrophy of her brain, meaning it was shrinking and liquefying, and that she only had a year or two to live that the fear in me began. I had fear to let myself really feel love for her, knowing that she would be gone. I had fear about what it would be like to watch this horrible disease claim her life. I fought so HARD with every bit of my heart and soul. SHE FOUGHT SO HARD!!!! Even when I had to bring her to the hospital when I promised her I would never do that to her again, I did it because I needed my baby not to be in pain or to suffer.
The last 3 months of her life she screamed and screamed and seized and seized and struggled for every breath she took. We watched her heart rate run at 200 and held our breath wondering how long could her little heart stand that till it gave out. Then we would watch it plummet down to 60, 40, 30 and hold our breath and wonder is this it??? Is her little heart going to stop??? Over and Over and Over again for 3 months we watched, we held our breath, we prayed, we cried, what was so hard at the end? We couldn't hold her in our arms. Her breathing was so bad she couldn't tolerate us holding her. So, I would lay next to her cheek to cheek and hold her little hand and rub it. She would open her eyes and look at us and know we were there. She was suffering so bad but she would still give us her beautiful smile.
Today my arms are empty and I would give anything in the world to feel her one more time. I got my child the best doctors, nurses, equipment, I struggled so hard in making the decision to get her tummy surgery done in fear that by helping her I would lose her. But, she was strong she pulled through, and I saved her from dying from aspiration pneumonia. I got her vest, it helped with her lungs, and even in the end when her lungs were so bad we still used it because when she was seizing non stop and screaming, the comfort of the vest vibrations would soothe her.
She slipped away more times then I can count and each time we thought THIS IS IT!! They would call me in the room and bam! She would come right back. She fought and hung on day after day. Each day, we thought, this is the day and another day passed and she was still here. It was so frustrating to watch her hurt and not want to let her go. I finally stopped saying to myself, today is the day, and just soaked up every minute she was with us. I got mad at her.
I'm so sorry, Roo, I got mad at you, Mommy just didn't understand why you chose to suffer and hang on so long, I just couldn't bear it. I finally realized, you had your own plan, and you were going to go HOME in your own way. I made peace and said OK baby, you and God know when your time is, and I will stay by your side, I will sing you your song to help you stop crying, I will hold your head so you can fall asleep, I will hold your arm to keep it from moving so you can rest sweet baby. It hurts so bad to know that I knew, your Daddy knew, your nurses knew, everyone around you knew that you were going to die and some people think that Mommy wanted that for you! It hurts Roo, it hurts! I sit here and cry, my heart breaks, and I'm mad at myself for letting myself feel hurt by this. Roo, you know how hard mommy fought for your life. To give you the best life! But God's plan was for you to be here only a short time. Today is one of the days I don't understand it. I don't want to question God and say why?? why my baby??? why me?? why my daughters?? why do we all have to have this pain and why did you have to have that horrible disease??? I don't want to question why! I want everybody to see that from the day you were born that I fought for you to live. Even when we were in thatstinkingstate and they didn't want to give you your feeding tube because the doctors said you were terminal I wouldn't accept that! I fought and begged and pleaded for that tube! And, in the end that's what people think I did to make you leave. Roo how can they not understand???????? I don't get it! Losing you, your journey here on earth is the hardest most painful experience of my life. I'm sitting her just crying, I tell myself all that matters is that I know that I DID EVERYTHING I COULD! I know the only thing that matters is that you know that Mommy tried her best to give you the most and to save you. I know with every sign you show me your telling me it's OK.
Some days I just can't stand this pain. I can't stand feeling selfish. I want you back here in my arms, I can't stand feeling guilty for wanting you back, when you suffered so much at the end. I can't stand that I couldn't protect you and things were made so much worse. It shouldn't matter to me what people think because I know the truth. I know what's in my heart, I'm the one that was there. No one can know what this pain is like. Only other mothers that have lost their children. Especially, the mothers that have lost their children to this ugly disease.
Roo, I know you wouldn't want me to feel so sad, sitting here crying my eyes, and heart out. I know you don't want that for Mommy. I know you want Mommy to have peace and feel joy again and I try for you, Roo, I do. But, then I have my days like today where the tears just keep flowing and my heart is just in pieces and I wish that people could just see that you fought so hard to stay with us, you really really did, but God needed you back with him. All Mommy could do was make you comfortable on your journey back to God and heaven. I didn't know until about a month after you died that day there was no day nurse. I knew you were going to leave when you were alone, which was pretty hard to do being that you were never alone ever at the end. I know you must have walked right into heaven after the night nurse left. When you knew, no one else would be coming ,and that me , Daddy, and sissy were still sleeping. You lil schooch! I knew that you were going to go on your own time. I think you knew Mommy wouldn't be able to stand the memory of your last breath.
I can't stand the memory in my head of waking up and looking up at Daddy checking for your heart beat with the stethoscope already knowing that you were GONE. Nobody has to live with that memory or image in their head. If only they knew Roo, how then, could they say that I wanted that for you???? I try so hard to remember the good times and slowly but surely I can............but the memory that haunts me the most is the day I woke up and you were gone. The way you looked..........I can't stand the memory in my mind and nobody has to live with that but me and Daddy.
Daddy gave you your last bath that day. Mommy just couldn't do it and I knew it was important for Daddy to have that special time with you. It felt like forever, he was washing you, and giving you your last bath. I could hear him crying through the bathroom. Then, in the bedroom it felt like it took him forever to get you dressed. In your orange pooh bear outfit, Mommy's favorite. Daddy made you look so beautiful. You smelled so pretty with your special lotion. Mommy still wears it everyday so i have a little bit of you with me. I held you and held you, knowing that soon I had to call the funeral home. I just couldn't bear to have them come and take you from me. I wrapped you in your pooh bear blanket, took a deep breath, I remember carrying you downstairs, and placing you on the stretcher. You looked so small on that big stretcher. I kissed your sweet smelling cheek and told you I would see you again in a day for the last time. After that, I don't really remember anything. I placed you on that stretcher and for the weeks and months following my mind, heart, and soul went with you.
I hurt so bad, I hurt the people around me, I couldn't stand living without you, I didn't want to live anymore. But you and God kept telling me I had to. I had to, your sisters needed me. So, Mommy reached out, got help, and since then I have been better. I have learned how to grieve you and miss you in a better way. Without hurting myself or hurting those around me. When my tears fall, I'm by myself. I keep this all inside. Those around me know I'm hurting but they cannot understand and most times I don't let them see it. Today here I am, typing it all out, putting it out there.
I shouldn't care about those who judge me. For there is only one judgement that counts and that is Gods. I would never do anything that would compromise me getting into heaven because I have known and always knew that is where I will be reunited with my baby. I will get to see her whole and perfect and there is nothing I will or could do to keep that from happening. So, now I live each day to make all of my girls proud. It is so hard some days and yes the days with peace come a little more with time. But, I will always have these days when I cry for my sweet Roo. My sweet love. when I yearn for her smell, to hold her, to see her smile, hear her laugh, brush her hair, hear her cry because she's by herself and wants company, see her try so hard to play, see her try so hard to live.
Roo please help Mommy today. I don't want to cry all day. but I'm crying for you!!! I miss you soooooo much!!! No one will ever know, I just feel like no matter what I do no one will ever understand, and it bothers Mommy so much that people think these things that are sooooo wrong! I cry for you today my sweet Roo. Mommy promises that I will try to be happy, to make each day good, and I know that on these days, God and you, will give me the strength to withstand the pain, to walk through it, to be able to overcome some of it. I cry for you today sweet Roo. I sit here and I cry..............no one will ever know or understand this pain. All mommy can do is know I did my best, continue everyday to do my best, make you proud of me, and be a good person. I love you so much Roo! I imagine you chasing those butterflies and being with all the other angel babies that have gone to heaven whom mommy loves so much. I can hear you, saying to my heart, mommy don't cry because where you are you are free from pain and happy.
I cry for you today sweet Roo. You and God know what my prayers are and sometimes they aren't quick to be answered but I know that you will answer these prayers of mine. Till we are able to hold each other again sweet girl.....
F*Lushhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
So, here I sit with tears streaming down my face. I'm tired. Tired of many things and yet grateful for so many things. I feel conflicted inside I don't know I just guess it's where I am in my grief. I just sat and watched the video I made for Roo. I watch it everyday and most days it makes me happy but today it made me cry. Yes ,the 18th is coming, I am more emotional. Feelings that I thought I could bury and let go have reared their ugly head in my heart.
I don't have hatred, I don't have regret, I have a bit of anger, but that's only because of judgements placed on me by others. Now, I should be the 1st to know that I should not let what others think about me bother me. What bothers me so much and what I try so hard NOT to think about is the perception of what people think happened at the end of your life. I fought so hard for you, my baby, with every ounce of my being and soul. I spent so many hours on the phone with doctors, hours at the specialists, hours doing research, hours holding you while you seized and not being able to do a dayum thing about it, hours laying next to you watching you sleep praying out to GOD please SAVE MY BABY. When I was still in thatstinkinstate I believed that if I moved to Ohio, got better doctors, and all the medical equipment I needed to keep you alive that you would LIVE. I believed I could save you Roo, I believed with all the love I had for my sweet girl, I could SAVE MY ROO.
It wasn't until the day when I met with her epilepsy neuro and her metabolic neuro and they told me that she had atrophy of her brain, meaning it was shrinking and liquefying, and that she only had a year or two to live that the fear in me began. I had fear to let myself really feel love for her, knowing that she would be gone. I had fear about what it would be like to watch this horrible disease claim her life. I fought so HARD with every bit of my heart and soul. SHE FOUGHT SO HARD!!!! Even when I had to bring her to the hospital when I promised her I would never do that to her again, I did it because I needed my baby not to be in pain or to suffer.
The last 3 months of her life she screamed and screamed and seized and seized and struggled for every breath she took. We watched her heart rate run at 200 and held our breath wondering how long could her little heart stand that till it gave out. Then we would watch it plummet down to 60, 40, 30 and hold our breath and wonder is this it??? Is her little heart going to stop??? Over and Over and Over again for 3 months we watched, we held our breath, we prayed, we cried, what was so hard at the end? We couldn't hold her in our arms. Her breathing was so bad she couldn't tolerate us holding her. So, I would lay next to her cheek to cheek and hold her little hand and rub it. She would open her eyes and look at us and know we were there. She was suffering so bad but she would still give us her beautiful smile.
Today my arms are empty and I would give anything in the world to feel her one more time. I got my child the best doctors, nurses, equipment, I struggled so hard in making the decision to get her tummy surgery done in fear that by helping her I would lose her. But, she was strong she pulled through, and I saved her from dying from aspiration pneumonia. I got her vest, it helped with her lungs, and even in the end when her lungs were so bad we still used it because when she was seizing non stop and screaming, the comfort of the vest vibrations would soothe her.
She slipped away more times then I can count and each time we thought THIS IS IT!! They would call me in the room and bam! She would come right back. She fought and hung on day after day. Each day, we thought, this is the day and another day passed and she was still here. It was so frustrating to watch her hurt and not want to let her go. I finally stopped saying to myself, today is the day, and just soaked up every minute she was with us. I got mad at her.
I'm so sorry, Roo, I got mad at you, Mommy just didn't understand why you chose to suffer and hang on so long, I just couldn't bear it. I finally realized, you had your own plan, and you were going to go HOME in your own way. I made peace and said OK baby, you and God know when your time is, and I will stay by your side, I will sing you your song to help you stop crying, I will hold your head so you can fall asleep, I will hold your arm to keep it from moving so you can rest sweet baby. It hurts so bad to know that I knew, your Daddy knew, your nurses knew, everyone around you knew that you were going to die and some people think that Mommy wanted that for you! It hurts Roo, it hurts! I sit here and cry, my heart breaks, and I'm mad at myself for letting myself feel hurt by this. Roo, you know how hard mommy fought for your life. To give you the best life! But God's plan was for you to be here only a short time. Today is one of the days I don't understand it. I don't want to question God and say why?? why my baby??? why me?? why my daughters?? why do we all have to have this pain and why did you have to have that horrible disease??? I don't want to question why! I want everybody to see that from the day you were born that I fought for you to live. Even when we were in thatstinkingstate and they didn't want to give you your feeding tube because the doctors said you were terminal I wouldn't accept that! I fought and begged and pleaded for that tube! And, in the end that's what people think I did to make you leave. Roo how can they not understand???????? I don't get it! Losing you, your journey here on earth is the hardest most painful experience of my life. I'm sitting her just crying, I tell myself all that matters is that I know that I DID EVERYTHING I COULD! I know the only thing that matters is that you know that Mommy tried her best to give you the most and to save you. I know with every sign you show me your telling me it's OK.
Some days I just can't stand this pain. I can't stand feeling selfish. I want you back here in my arms, I can't stand feeling guilty for wanting you back, when you suffered so much at the end. I can't stand that I couldn't protect you and things were made so much worse. It shouldn't matter to me what people think because I know the truth. I know what's in my heart, I'm the one that was there. No one can know what this pain is like. Only other mothers that have lost their children. Especially, the mothers that have lost their children to this ugly disease.
Roo, I know you wouldn't want me to feel so sad, sitting here crying my eyes, and heart out. I know you don't want that for Mommy. I know you want Mommy to have peace and feel joy again and I try for you, Roo, I do. But, then I have my days like today where the tears just keep flowing and my heart is just in pieces and I wish that people could just see that you fought so hard to stay with us, you really really did, but God needed you back with him. All Mommy could do was make you comfortable on your journey back to God and heaven. I didn't know until about a month after you died that day there was no day nurse. I knew you were going to leave when you were alone, which was pretty hard to do being that you were never alone ever at the end. I know you must have walked right into heaven after the night nurse left. When you knew, no one else would be coming ,and that me , Daddy, and sissy were still sleeping. You lil schooch! I knew that you were going to go on your own time. I think you knew Mommy wouldn't be able to stand the memory of your last breath.
I can't stand the memory in my head of waking up and looking up at Daddy checking for your heart beat with the stethoscope already knowing that you were GONE. Nobody has to live with that memory or image in their head. If only they knew Roo, how then, could they say that I wanted that for you???? I try so hard to remember the good times and slowly but surely I can............but the memory that haunts me the most is the day I woke up and you were gone. The way you looked..........I can't stand the memory in my mind and nobody has to live with that but me and Daddy.
Daddy gave you your last bath that day. Mommy just couldn't do it and I knew it was important for Daddy to have that special time with you. It felt like forever, he was washing you, and giving you your last bath. I could hear him crying through the bathroom. Then, in the bedroom it felt like it took him forever to get you dressed. In your orange pooh bear outfit, Mommy's favorite. Daddy made you look so beautiful. You smelled so pretty with your special lotion. Mommy still wears it everyday so i have a little bit of you with me. I held you and held you, knowing that soon I had to call the funeral home. I just couldn't bear to have them come and take you from me. I wrapped you in your pooh bear blanket, took a deep breath, I remember carrying you downstairs, and placing you on the stretcher. You looked so small on that big stretcher. I kissed your sweet smelling cheek and told you I would see you again in a day for the last time. After that, I don't really remember anything. I placed you on that stretcher and for the weeks and months following my mind, heart, and soul went with you.
I hurt so bad, I hurt the people around me, I couldn't stand living without you, I didn't want to live anymore. But you and God kept telling me I had to. I had to, your sisters needed me. So, Mommy reached out, got help, and since then I have been better. I have learned how to grieve you and miss you in a better way. Without hurting myself or hurting those around me. When my tears fall, I'm by myself. I keep this all inside. Those around me know I'm hurting but they cannot understand and most times I don't let them see it. Today here I am, typing it all out, putting it out there.
I shouldn't care about those who judge me. For there is only one judgement that counts and that is Gods. I would never do anything that would compromise me getting into heaven because I have known and always knew that is where I will be reunited with my baby. I will get to see her whole and perfect and there is nothing I will or could do to keep that from happening. So, now I live each day to make all of my girls proud. It is so hard some days and yes the days with peace come a little more with time. But, I will always have these days when I cry for my sweet Roo. My sweet love. when I yearn for her smell, to hold her, to see her smile, hear her laugh, brush her hair, hear her cry because she's by herself and wants company, see her try so hard to play, see her try so hard to live.
Roo please help Mommy today. I don't want to cry all day. but I'm crying for you!!! I miss you soooooo much!!! No one will ever know, I just feel like no matter what I do no one will ever understand, and it bothers Mommy so much that people think these things that are sooooo wrong! I cry for you today my sweet Roo. Mommy promises that I will try to be happy, to make each day good, and I know that on these days, God and you, will give me the strength to withstand the pain, to walk through it, to be able to overcome some of it. I cry for you today sweet Roo. I sit here and I cry..............no one will ever know or understand this pain. All mommy can do is know I did my best, continue everyday to do my best, make you proud of me, and be a good person. I love you so much Roo! I imagine you chasing those butterflies and being with all the other angel babies that have gone to heaven whom mommy loves so much. I can hear you, saying to my heart, mommy don't cry because where you are you are free from pain and happy.
I cry for you today sweet Roo. You and God know what my prayers are and sometimes they aren't quick to be answered but I know that you will answer these prayers of mine. Till we are able to hold each other again sweet girl.....
F*Lushhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Monday, January 5, 2009
She went home....
October 2008
Tinker Tot was just picked up by her Dad. I won't see her again till Weds. We had 5 glorious days together. We got costumes for Halloween, pumpkins, there was gymnastics, smiles, laughter, cuddles.
I spent the last few days cleaning out the basement. My life was literally in shambles after Roo died. I'm still sorting through it all emotionally and in the physical sense. Sometimes, I think I'm OK with letting things that were Roo's go. As I was sorting through boxes I found, her rattle that also used to be Tinker's, her Strawberry Shortcake Jammies, syringes, her chart, stuffed animals, and the only picture that I had of her and Blue Bell on her 1st Halloween that I thought was long lost.
Weds. night I sat at gym watching Blue Bell and Tinker Tot and realized that I had not felt anything with the 18th quickly approaching. Halloween is coming the start of the holidays so to speak and the start of grieving in so many ways through memories. It's just when I think I have a handle on things, I don't. I haven't cried in months and well I just had a total meltdown. Tears are burning my cheeks, my heart is pounding, my head feels like its going to burst. I'm mourning my Roo and the piece of me that died with her.
In real life, there are few people that I talk to about her. Few people, that I feel understand. I get mean when I am hurting so bad inside and I hate that part of myself. I want to change it, I want the hurt to go away, but I know that the waves of grief will continue to hit me unexpectedly like this for the rest of my life. Where I was laughing, enjoying Blue and Tinker just 2 days ago, feeling peace, I should have known it was the calm before the emotional storm. Time does heal wounds in some ways. Roo was a piece of me, is a piece of me, that's missing. True, I'm a better, stronger, person. But, I don't like the part of me that hurts. I don't like the part of me that is selfish for wanting her back when she suffered so much. I don't like that I've had to fight so hard to just have some normalcy in my life.
I know Roo wouldn't want me sitting her crying my eyeballs out, I know she wouldn't want me sitting here with all this pain in my soul, I know she wants me to be Happy. I have been happy, I've been enjoying Blue and Tinker, I've been trying the best I can. Pushing and stuffing the feelings down inside and pretending they don't exist isn't a way of dealing with the grief though, but it's the only way I know how. I don't want Tinker Tot to see me grieving and it always happens that we have her on the 18th, making it so hard for me to hide my pain. As soon as she left tonight, I blew up, and then just sat and cried as Blue and I held each other. Blue said, "Mommy, I would rather see you cry then you be short with me." She also said, "Mommy, if you cry I will hold you till you feel better." That makes me feel so guilty.
When Roo was alive I cried in front of more people then I was comfortable with but never in front of Blue Bell. One of the many reasons I sent Tinker Tot to stay with her Dad was because I didn't want her to have a Mommy who cried everyday. **wiping tear from my cheek**
Blue Bell gave me all reasons why God has chosen this path for us. Her faith is so strong when mine is so weak. She said, "God has chosen this for us. Mommy, I know you hurt so bad, but it's all for a reason....." and then she listed as many as she could think of and yes, they were all good.
Maybe another one right now at this time is for Blue to see my crying. To know, it's OK to cry when you hurt instead of just being angry. That it's OK to feel totally overwhelmed at times with goodness and pain all at once that the only way to express it is through tears.
Halloween is coming. I'm fighting so many battles right now. I'm ripping off the emotional band aid and going through Roo's things. The memories that I was afraid were getting dim from time are clear and brisk in my mind.
Halloween is coming. That night I'll be trick or treating with my girls. I'll be walking house to house seeing everyone's reaction to the girlie's costumes and hear them say trick or treat and thank you. I'll be smiling, remembering, wishing, thanking, hopeful, reminiscent, hurting. I'll be me.....just missing my piece.
F*Lushhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Tinker Tot was just picked up by her Dad. I won't see her again till Weds. We had 5 glorious days together. We got costumes for Halloween, pumpkins, there was gymnastics, smiles, laughter, cuddles.
I spent the last few days cleaning out the basement. My life was literally in shambles after Roo died. I'm still sorting through it all emotionally and in the physical sense. Sometimes, I think I'm OK with letting things that were Roo's go. As I was sorting through boxes I found, her rattle that also used to be Tinker's, her Strawberry Shortcake Jammies, syringes, her chart, stuffed animals, and the only picture that I had of her and Blue Bell on her 1st Halloween that I thought was long lost.
Weds. night I sat at gym watching Blue Bell and Tinker Tot and realized that I had not felt anything with the 18th quickly approaching. Halloween is coming the start of the holidays so to speak and the start of grieving in so many ways through memories. It's just when I think I have a handle on things, I don't. I haven't cried in months and well I just had a total meltdown. Tears are burning my cheeks, my heart is pounding, my head feels like its going to burst. I'm mourning my Roo and the piece of me that died with her.
In real life, there are few people that I talk to about her. Few people, that I feel understand. I get mean when I am hurting so bad inside and I hate that part of myself. I want to change it, I want the hurt to go away, but I know that the waves of grief will continue to hit me unexpectedly like this for the rest of my life. Where I was laughing, enjoying Blue and Tinker just 2 days ago, feeling peace, I should have known it was the calm before the emotional storm. Time does heal wounds in some ways. Roo was a piece of me, is a piece of me, that's missing. True, I'm a better, stronger, person. But, I don't like the part of me that hurts. I don't like the part of me that is selfish for wanting her back when she suffered so much. I don't like that I've had to fight so hard to just have some normalcy in my life.
I know Roo wouldn't want me sitting her crying my eyeballs out, I know she wouldn't want me sitting here with all this pain in my soul, I know she wants me to be Happy. I have been happy, I've been enjoying Blue and Tinker, I've been trying the best I can. Pushing and stuffing the feelings down inside and pretending they don't exist isn't a way of dealing with the grief though, but it's the only way I know how. I don't want Tinker Tot to see me grieving and it always happens that we have her on the 18th, making it so hard for me to hide my pain. As soon as she left tonight, I blew up, and then just sat and cried as Blue and I held each other. Blue said, "Mommy, I would rather see you cry then you be short with me." She also said, "Mommy, if you cry I will hold you till you feel better." That makes me feel so guilty.
When Roo was alive I cried in front of more people then I was comfortable with but never in front of Blue Bell. One of the many reasons I sent Tinker Tot to stay with her Dad was because I didn't want her to have a Mommy who cried everyday. **wiping tear from my cheek**
Blue Bell gave me all reasons why God has chosen this path for us. Her faith is so strong when mine is so weak. She said, "God has chosen this for us. Mommy, I know you hurt so bad, but it's all for a reason....." and then she listed as many as she could think of and yes, they were all good.
Maybe another one right now at this time is for Blue to see my crying. To know, it's OK to cry when you hurt instead of just being angry. That it's OK to feel totally overwhelmed at times with goodness and pain all at once that the only way to express it is through tears.
Halloween is coming. I'm fighting so many battles right now. I'm ripping off the emotional band aid and going through Roo's things. The memories that I was afraid were getting dim from time are clear and brisk in my mind.
Halloween is coming. That night I'll be trick or treating with my girls. I'll be walking house to house seeing everyone's reaction to the girlie's costumes and hear them say trick or treat and thank you. I'll be smiling, remembering, wishing, thanking, hopeful, reminiscent, hurting. I'll be me.....just missing my piece.
F*Lushhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Tween
Tween........
I drive so much nowadays with the girls in 2 different schools. Blue Bell's school an hr round trip and Tinker Tot's another 15 away from where I live. Then there's those 4xs a week I'm about 40 more miles away at the gym with Blue. So, in all this driving it gives me tons of time to think. Last night, as I was driving Blue home from gym I thought about my past 9yrs with her. Just her and me. I was a single parent when Blue was born, young, working hard to get by and establish a nice life for her and me. This is going to sound strange but I had tons of support but at the same time I was all alone. In the 9 1/2yrs that I have been her Mother or since becoming a Mother there have been so many bright spots and many lows. Blue Bell is an amazing young girl in every way. And in every way she is my clone, my mini-me, right down to the way she talks, the way she loves, her passion, her competitiveness, always striving to accomplish and be the best she can be. But, she's also stubborn, moody, did I mention stubborn, bossy, nosey, and has ADHD, and post traumatic stress disorder.
It wasn't until Tinker Tot was born that I truly realized how challenging my Blue can be. I mean of course there were the terrible 2's when I can remember sitting in my Mother's living room crying my eyeballs out saying that I would never make it. The frustration, the exhaustion, the level of dislike I had for her that evening still lingers in my mind and haunts me. Here we are 7yrs later and it's like she's 2 all over again some days. I have an oober amount of patience for my Blue Bell. My heart breaks for her in so many ways and I give her as much as I can emotionally and otherwise.
Let me backtrack for a second and give you all some background info.....maybe this blog will make a little more sense. In my life things have not lasted very long. My parents divorced when I was Blue Bell's age. We moved so much I never was in one school or state longer then 3 yrs. My family members and I since the divorce all go through periods of time where we don't speak for years, then talk for a few, then don't speak again. So needless to say the one constant in my life for the last 9yrs has been Blue Bell. Friends have come and gone, Relationships have come and gone, family has come and gone. But in 9yrs, ALL 9yrs, there has been Blue. It is sad and wonderful all at the same time. She is the longest relationship and constant I have had in my whole life.
Realizing that last night was strange for me. Thinking about our 9yrs together the ups and downs, the triumphs and struggles, the tears and joy. Lately, her and I have been butting heads BIG TIME. It hurts so bad. I hate when we are angry at each other, I hate when I have to rein her in with boundaries and punishment. It is so HARD. But this weekend, well the S*t hit the fan. It was an awful battle of the wills between her and I on Saturday and I spent most of my day hating every minute of my life. ALL. OF. IT.
I guess as Mothers we all feel that way now and then. It was a day I thought neither one of us would survive but we did. Tinker Tot cried, she was scared, she's never seen me so angry. She's never seen her sister so angry. We all hung in there, Blue staking out her side of the battle, me staking out mine. I was not going to give into her relentless teen ways and tried everything I knew to do. Tinker Tot isn't permanently scared for life. Actually, I think it was a learning experience for her. She doesn't want to make Mommy that mad E.V.E.R. But Tinker is the complete opposite of Louie........I'll have to write a blog of her own one day soon.
I was racking my brain on Sat. night to think where oh where did things go wrong that day? Why did my Blue Bell have such a meltdown? Why must she test and push to see how far she can go and every button there is? There was no clear cut answer. Usually, I could think well this happened or I know she saw something that reminded her of Roo, or some reason or excuse for the complete and total fit of rage and anger. But this weekend, there was no excuse other then she's 9yrs old and I swear she has PMS already LOL.
I felt on Sat. what I felt those 7yrs ago in my Mother's living room. How am I going to do this? How am I going to survive her tween and teenage years? I'm older now, wiser sure, but physically not up for a battle of the wills with her. I feel like sometimes we are in the terrible 2's all over again. I guess what I need is a break. A serious 24-48hrs of no kids, just some time for me. And just like when she was 2 I have support but I feel all alone too.
I see other Moms I know that are able to just dump off their kids on the 1st person that they can find to watch them and go out and have fun or stay home and relax. For me, I've never been able to do that. I feel so much guilt for asking someone to take her. People have offered, I guess it all goes back to me not being the greatest at asking for help.
I love Blue Bell with all my heart and soul. Because she is so much like me, so strong, so loving, so insightful, brave, intelligent, beautiful. She captures peoples hearts and so many love her. She is top of her class at school. She is rocking it in gymnastics. She is growing and thriving but MAN the growing pains are tough.
We will survive just like we always have and do. I'm sure I will continue to tell her that I'm taking her receipt and returning her cause she's broken and she'll laugh and smile at me. I'll tell her I'm putting her up on Ebay. She'll roll her eyes. I'll tell her get that homework done. She'll so lovingly screech "I AM!!!!!!!"
That's my Blue Bell. My dynamic, complicated, moody, and sometimes angry kid. Full of energy, Full of love, Full of lots of tween hormones.
My Blue. My tween monster. My heart, joy, and laughter. I can only think that God gave me Blue Bell to keep me on my toes, to keep me going in the dark moments of grief, to remind me of everything good.
It's been quite a ride in Motherhood with her. I look forward to our next 9 1/2 yrs and beyond. I'm excited to see how she grows and who she becomes.
In the meantime, I'm sure there will be days when I'm ransacking my house looking for that receipt.
I drive so much nowadays with the girls in 2 different schools. Blue Bell's school an hr round trip and Tinker Tot's another 15 away from where I live. Then there's those 4xs a week I'm about 40 more miles away at the gym with Blue. So, in all this driving it gives me tons of time to think. Last night, as I was driving Blue home from gym I thought about my past 9yrs with her. Just her and me. I was a single parent when Blue was born, young, working hard to get by and establish a nice life for her and me. This is going to sound strange but I had tons of support but at the same time I was all alone. In the 9 1/2yrs that I have been her Mother or since becoming a Mother there have been so many bright spots and many lows. Blue Bell is an amazing young girl in every way. And in every way she is my clone, my mini-me, right down to the way she talks, the way she loves, her passion, her competitiveness, always striving to accomplish and be the best she can be. But, she's also stubborn, moody, did I mention stubborn, bossy, nosey, and has ADHD, and post traumatic stress disorder.
It wasn't until Tinker Tot was born that I truly realized how challenging my Blue can be. I mean of course there were the terrible 2's when I can remember sitting in my Mother's living room crying my eyeballs out saying that I would never make it. The frustration, the exhaustion, the level of dislike I had for her that evening still lingers in my mind and haunts me. Here we are 7yrs later and it's like she's 2 all over again some days. I have an oober amount of patience for my Blue Bell. My heart breaks for her in so many ways and I give her as much as I can emotionally and otherwise.
Let me backtrack for a second and give you all some background info.....maybe this blog will make a little more sense. In my life things have not lasted very long. My parents divorced when I was Blue Bell's age. We moved so much I never was in one school or state longer then 3 yrs. My family members and I since the divorce all go through periods of time where we don't speak for years, then talk for a few, then don't speak again. So needless to say the one constant in my life for the last 9yrs has been Blue Bell. Friends have come and gone, Relationships have come and gone, family has come and gone. But in 9yrs, ALL 9yrs, there has been Blue. It is sad and wonderful all at the same time. She is the longest relationship and constant I have had in my whole life.
Realizing that last night was strange for me. Thinking about our 9yrs together the ups and downs, the triumphs and struggles, the tears and joy. Lately, her and I have been butting heads BIG TIME. It hurts so bad. I hate when we are angry at each other, I hate when I have to rein her in with boundaries and punishment. It is so HARD. But this weekend, well the S*t hit the fan. It was an awful battle of the wills between her and I on Saturday and I spent most of my day hating every minute of my life. ALL. OF. IT.
I guess as Mothers we all feel that way now and then. It was a day I thought neither one of us would survive but we did. Tinker Tot cried, she was scared, she's never seen me so angry. She's never seen her sister so angry. We all hung in there, Blue staking out her side of the battle, me staking out mine. I was not going to give into her relentless teen ways and tried everything I knew to do. Tinker Tot isn't permanently scared for life. Actually, I think it was a learning experience for her. She doesn't want to make Mommy that mad E.V.E.R. But Tinker is the complete opposite of Louie........I'll have to write a blog of her own one day soon.
I was racking my brain on Sat. night to think where oh where did things go wrong that day? Why did my Blue Bell have such a meltdown? Why must she test and push to see how far she can go and every button there is? There was no clear cut answer. Usually, I could think well this happened or I know she saw something that reminded her of Roo, or some reason or excuse for the complete and total fit of rage and anger. But this weekend, there was no excuse other then she's 9yrs old and I swear she has PMS already LOL.
I felt on Sat. what I felt those 7yrs ago in my Mother's living room. How am I going to do this? How am I going to survive her tween and teenage years? I'm older now, wiser sure, but physically not up for a battle of the wills with her. I feel like sometimes we are in the terrible 2's all over again. I guess what I need is a break. A serious 24-48hrs of no kids, just some time for me. And just like when she was 2 I have support but I feel all alone too.
I see other Moms I know that are able to just dump off their kids on the 1st person that they can find to watch them and go out and have fun or stay home and relax. For me, I've never been able to do that. I feel so much guilt for asking someone to take her. People have offered, I guess it all goes back to me not being the greatest at asking for help.
I love Blue Bell with all my heart and soul. Because she is so much like me, so strong, so loving, so insightful, brave, intelligent, beautiful. She captures peoples hearts and so many love her. She is top of her class at school. She is rocking it in gymnastics. She is growing and thriving but MAN the growing pains are tough.
We will survive just like we always have and do. I'm sure I will continue to tell her that I'm taking her receipt and returning her cause she's broken and she'll laugh and smile at me. I'll tell her I'm putting her up on Ebay. She'll roll her eyes. I'll tell her get that homework done. She'll so lovingly screech "I AM!!!!!!!"
That's my Blue Bell. My dynamic, complicated, moody, and sometimes angry kid. Full of energy, Full of love, Full of lots of tween hormones.
My Blue. My tween monster. My heart, joy, and laughter. I can only think that God gave me Blue Bell to keep me on my toes, to keep me going in the dark moments of grief, to remind me of everything good.
It's been quite a ride in Motherhood with her. I look forward to our next 9 1/2 yrs and beyond. I'm excited to see how she grows and who she becomes.
In the meantime, I'm sure there will be days when I'm ransacking my house looking for that receipt.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Roo's 1st Birthday
Friday, December 17, 2004
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY PRINCESS Roo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe that Roo is 1 today. When she was born I had no clue the journey we were about to begin. I had no clue that in this last year Roo would help me to heal family relationships, teach me how strong I can be, bring Tinker's Dad back into her life, and touch everyone that meets her. I have learned so much from this little girl of mine, so much about life. I cherish everyday I have with her. I don't think that I will ever be able to truly accept everything that has happened to her. Bu,t I believe that I am ready to live again for my children, to give Roo much love and happiness everyday as she gives to those around her. All of my friends just absolutely fell in love with her last week. Every minute of the day someone was holding her and she just loved it. I know you all are waiting for details, I'm just so busy living again.
Her appt was awesome we go back on Jan 3 for testing. They are going to do the skin biopsy again, evoked potential testing on her eyes, eeg, mri, gi, pulmo, cardio, another swallowing study, we are gonna be busy. The doctor at the clinic put his initial diagnosis as Metabolic encephalopathy, mental retardation, failure to thrive, and short stature. Roo has not really grown since she was 8 months old. Her head circumference is the same, her weight up and down if we could hit 17 lbs and keep going I would be a happy mommy!, and her length has been the same for 4 months. I told the doctor, I know she is the way she is, but I would like a diagnosis to at least have something to go by. He said that there is a 30% chance we may not find one. He will go as far as I want to go in looking. He confirmed what I already knew about this being progressive. He would like to try the mito cocktail or something like that but he wants to do his testing 1st. I told him I was moving up in Feb. and was surprised when he said that the testing can't wait till then. So, we are on a better path, still not a great one, but better!
Roo has been doing OK, she has another ear infection she needs tubes. Her breathing is awful and I'm so sick and tired of bringing her to the doctor and them telling me its because she has no productive cough and that's just the way it is. I mean there's got be something I can do to get that crap out her throat and chest. I have been doing chest pt that her therapist taught me, I can move some of it but not always. I'm doing breathing treatments and just praying it gets better.
She's also been having trouble pooping lately. It seems like she is just not strong enough to push it out, poor thing. She just tries so hard and nothing so me and mostly her dad have been helping her out. I tried some mineral oil to see if that would help and after 3 days still nothing so we'll see. After being in Ohio last week, around my family and friends, I feel a great sense of peace. I know that whatever happens I will be OK, that my girls and I are surrounded by love, and Roo's life will change people and touch them. It's awesome just to watch my friends hold her, I can see in their eyes the love, and how she just literally melts their heart.
updated: Roo did touch so many lives and change people. I am forever grateful for what she gave here on earth. Blue Bells' 1st gym meet was on the 18th last year, this year the championships are on the 18th. I met a Mom and little girl last year at Blue's 1st gym meet. The little baby girl had Mito, what are the odds, I like to believe that many of Blue's meets are on the 18th to remind us that Roo is still with us and proud of the both of us. For the Mom I am able to be despite her loss, for the wonderful, amazing, shining, girl Blue is, despite having watched Roo die a slow death. She would be 5 now, I'm sure fighting with Tinker over my affection and attention, Blue being annoyed by both her little sissies, God chose this path that we all walk. I step back in wonder everyday at how much Tinker and Blue's bond has grown. How Blue has let go of her anger towards Tinker, because she is not Roo, how they both have flourished and grown. I miss Roo so much, I know Blue misses her too, each day the both of us live to honor her and her memory, understanding each other more then most Mother's and daughter's can........We may not talk about Roo much to the people around us, We may act like life has moved on, truth is we don't need to express through words anymore, those around us know how much we have suffered, how much we have fought to come back and learn how to live without Roo and through her memory, how lucky are we, that through a wink, smile, hug, or encouraging words, we know that everyone around us that loves us deeply, also carries our sweet Roo in their hearts.....
F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHH
blue raz
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY PRINCESS Roo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe that Roo is 1 today. When she was born I had no clue the journey we were about to begin. I had no clue that in this last year Roo would help me to heal family relationships, teach me how strong I can be, bring Tinker's Dad back into her life, and touch everyone that meets her. I have learned so much from this little girl of mine, so much about life. I cherish everyday I have with her. I don't think that I will ever be able to truly accept everything that has happened to her. Bu,t I believe that I am ready to live again for my children, to give Roo much love and happiness everyday as she gives to those around her. All of my friends just absolutely fell in love with her last week. Every minute of the day someone was holding her and she just loved it. I know you all are waiting for details, I'm just so busy living again.
Her appt was awesome we go back on Jan 3 for testing. They are going to do the skin biopsy again, evoked potential testing on her eyes, eeg, mri, gi, pulmo, cardio, another swallowing study, we are gonna be busy. The doctor at the clinic put his initial diagnosis as Metabolic encephalopathy, mental retardation, failure to thrive, and short stature. Roo has not really grown since she was 8 months old. Her head circumference is the same, her weight up and down if we could hit 17 lbs and keep going I would be a happy mommy!, and her length has been the same for 4 months. I told the doctor, I know she is the way she is, but I would like a diagnosis to at least have something to go by. He said that there is a 30% chance we may not find one. He will go as far as I want to go in looking. He confirmed what I already knew about this being progressive. He would like to try the mito cocktail or something like that but he wants to do his testing 1st. I told him I was moving up in Feb. and was surprised when he said that the testing can't wait till then. So, we are on a better path, still not a great one, but better!
Roo has been doing OK, she has another ear infection she needs tubes. Her breathing is awful and I'm so sick and tired of bringing her to the doctor and them telling me its because she has no productive cough and that's just the way it is. I mean there's got be something I can do to get that crap out her throat and chest. I have been doing chest pt that her therapist taught me, I can move some of it but not always. I'm doing breathing treatments and just praying it gets better.
She's also been having trouble pooping lately. It seems like she is just not strong enough to push it out, poor thing. She just tries so hard and nothing so me and mostly her dad have been helping her out. I tried some mineral oil to see if that would help and after 3 days still nothing so we'll see. After being in Ohio last week, around my family and friends, I feel a great sense of peace. I know that whatever happens I will be OK, that my girls and I are surrounded by love, and Roo's life will change people and touch them. It's awesome just to watch my friends hold her, I can see in their eyes the love, and how she just literally melts their heart.
updated: Roo did touch so many lives and change people. I am forever grateful for what she gave here on earth. Blue Bells' 1st gym meet was on the 18th last year, this year the championships are on the 18th. I met a Mom and little girl last year at Blue's 1st gym meet. The little baby girl had Mito, what are the odds, I like to believe that many of Blue's meets are on the 18th to remind us that Roo is still with us and proud of the both of us. For the Mom I am able to be despite her loss, for the wonderful, amazing, shining, girl Blue is, despite having watched Roo die a slow death. She would be 5 now, I'm sure fighting with Tinker over my affection and attention, Blue being annoyed by both her little sissies, God chose this path that we all walk. I step back in wonder everyday at how much Tinker and Blue's bond has grown. How Blue has let go of her anger towards Tinker, because she is not Roo, how they both have flourished and grown. I miss Roo so much, I know Blue misses her too, each day the both of us live to honor her and her memory, understanding each other more then most Mother's and daughter's can........We may not talk about Roo much to the people around us, We may act like life has moved on, truth is we don't need to express through words anymore, those around us know how much we have suffered, how much we have fought to come back and learn how to live without Roo and through her memory, how lucky are we, that through a wink, smile, hug, or encouraging words, we know that everyone around us that loves us deeply, also carries our sweet Roo in their hearts.....
F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHH
blue raz
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