Thursday, May 03, 2007
Yes, I've been quiet. Kind of strange for me but I have been. I haven't talked to anybody, haven't called anybody, haven't posted a "Have a great week!", "Have a sunshine day!", haven't imed anybody, zip, zero, nada. I've thought and re-thought about posting a blog a thousand times and well there's lots of stuff to say but it's all just stuck up in my head rolling around over and over again. Yes, I know some of you miss me, miss my rambling blogs, miss my rambling ims, miss my rambling voice (if your lucky enough to even get me one the phone ha lol) I miss me too. I'm trying to find myself again and get out of this bacteria infected haze I find myself in. OH wait, that's bacteria infected body. Yes, I'm lucky enough to have been infected with MRSA. Don't know what that is looky here Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA) infection Lucky girl am I not???
My life was going along nicely. Working here and there. Running with the buggers. Making good family memories. Yes, I feel the need to make good family memories everyday to make up for the loss, to make up for all the times Mommy was gone at the hospital with sissy, or gone because I was in the hospital myself. And yes, I was doing a pretty darn good job of it all until an alien sprouted on my stomach and decided to try to crawl from the inside out. Cut off at the knees AGAIN. For those "real" life ppl that know me, that have seen this and that happen to me over and over again, I know you all know what I know already, Yes, I'll be OK. Might be another week or month but once again I'll be somewhat happy and joyfully enjoying my pressure filled days of chasing perfection.
Recently, I keep saying I'm in purgatory. I have to be. Because this life of mine. The really good stuff does not outweigh the pure crappiness of some of my life situations. I keep thinking what is it that I did to be stuck here. I keep thinking it's not the decisions I'm making, I don't do self-inflicted drama anymore. Yeah, I got dealt a pretty crappy hand in life in general but me, who has been called a pessimist more times then I can count, has to be a true optimist. Or have an UNending glassful of HOPE. Because ,that is the only way I find myself getting through every day of my life. Hope that it will be better. Hope that physically and emotionally I will be better, Hope, when I see my children's smiling little faces at the end of a really good day, where their Mommy laughed, smiled, cried, danced, hugged, kissed, and screamed you drive me crazy and I love you more then 2000 times, Hope that life WILL BE GOOD, Hope that all this hoping will get me somewhere.
This darn MRSA infection is throwing me physically and emotionally for a great huge loop-de-loop with wayyyyyyyyy too much time on my hands to think. Me being bored is not a good thing in any shape or form. I'm thinking though in the grand scheme of things, I need more then just HOPE. Maybe I need to believe in that hope and that will get me somewhere. Sounds good in theory right??? LOL.
So for all of you missing me, thank you for the I'm missing you and worried about you emails. Thanks for calling me from a private number because if you know me all that well you know that I can't resist answering the phone AT ALL when it says private number. Then, I answer and realize dayum I got nabbed again, roll my eyeballs and 30 seconds into the conversation start thanking God that my phone actually rang. Nope, it wasn't shut off from lack of payment, have the money to pay it just not the will to write out the check or call to pay it. It still works darn thing.
Have I been smiling? Not much. Pleasant to talk too, ummmm if you've imed me or called me, you be the judge. Sick as a dog wishing for death at times, Yep that'd be me. What keeps me going you ask? Hope. One lovely four letter word. H.O.P.E. That today will be a better day. And as I sit here in my house all by myself, cruising the Internet, and avoiding just about everybody, watching my shows on TV after they have been dvred only because I can't watch t.v. without hitting fast forward and get mad when it says live TV, and waiting for the best part of my day, picking my Blue Bell up from school.
Yes, the best part of my day. That 45 min trek I make back and forth. Praying the whole way there that my little tween had a good day, thinking of this and that, and realizing that I'm even becoming too lazy to change the radio station when there's a totally sucky song on, living for the moment when she blasts herself into my car like Kramer on Seinfeld. Yes, that is the moment I live for. Will I have to listen to her whine today and cringe the whole way home thinking, man the rest of this day is gonna SUCK, or if I'm really lucky listen to her sing, smile, and tattle on and on about her day and think to myself, yes this is what life is. Being a MOM to this wonderful kid. The one who throws her underwear on her head and dances around the house to get her Mom to freak out and laugh her ass off all at the same time, because she knows her Mom is pretty sad, not good at faking it, and dayum somebody better resort to some drastic measures to get this women laughing and smiling again. Some might say she has issues, I just say lookee here, She's got me as a Mom, and in the big picture that can be a good and bad thing, where do you think she learned the whole I'll make ya laugh with my tinkerbell underwear on my head stint anyways??
But, I'm rambling and going off on tangents again. In my life, I've always thought of myself under rubble trying to claw my way out. Even before I lost my Roo. Even before she was a thought in my mind. See, being cut off at the knees when life seems to be sailing along quite nicely happens to me A LOT. Yes yes, we all have big, bad things happen to us. That's life. But me, I still want to know why in the hell do I get stuck with the "I've never heard of that" fill in the blank. Why I endlessly keep drawing up the short end of the stick. But I could question that all day long. My life is what it is. And each and every single day I fill it with Hope and wait for whatever it is facing me around the next corner.
Sometimes when I'm lucky, it's my lovely tween just waiting to casually walk by and give me a wet willy in my ear or if I'm lucky having 5 min of quiet time thinking hmmmmmm it's way too quiet around here before she pounces into the room, underwear on head and all, singing away, and laughing my little heart out. Yep, that's the good stuff.
Don't judge, snicker a little, yeah she may have issues, but then again I'm her Mommy.