5

Tomorrow she'll be 5. What can I possibly say to mark this day? I can remember her birth, her life, her smile, her love. I feel the heartache and the pain. I feel the motions of life pushing me forward whether I want to go forward or not. Blue Bell said it out loud last night, "I miss Roo." I almost fell over but I was driving LOL. She said she tries to imagine her "normal" walking, 5, talking, with legs. Her words. She said when she imagines her that way all she can see is her head, smile, and legs. I told her, "Blue Bell, we are T-girls...we are nothing but small heads, no bodies, and long legs....that's exactly how she would be!" Blue Bell laughed and let out a sigh. When we got home, she hugged me, like REALLY hugged me and we swayed back and forth hugging each other in the kitchen for awhile. The swaying is a habit we both got from Roo. She loved to be held that way. Living without one of your children here on earth it sucks.....BADLY. Living in the moment, for my other 2 that are here, is WONDERFUL. I think I've found a nice balance between the two and a really healthy support system to help hold us up when we need it. In AA, they say take it one day at a time. Same is true for grief. Sometimes it's an hour at a time, sometimes it's a minute, sometimes it's a second. Right now, I'm trying to suspend time......like it's not moving forward. I want it to stop and not be that one more birthday has passed without her. Tomorrow, the girls have gym. I'll be going out into the world and sending all my love and energy into children that don't get it at home. I'll be celebrating the little moments when those children "get it." I'll be thanking God for Blue's gym coach, who has called me everyday to check on us, and listen to me. I'll be thanking God for Tinker Tot's Aunt, who is going to go out to dinner with me and her while Blue Bell is at gym practice. I'll be thanking God for my Moms who I can call and talk to and they listen more then they talk the past few weeks. I'll be Thanking God for old friends, new friends, old friends that are new again. I'll be Thankful mostly for the gift of being Roo's Mom. I'll be thankful she is healed and still all around us with her spirit. I'll be thankful that God trusted me enough to be her Mommy. I'll be thankful for the other Angel Mom's that "get it." and send me sweet love and hugs everyday. Well, I guess I wrote out what 5 means to us this year. Thankful. Grateful. Love. Strength. Appreciation. New. Old. Moving forward, but NEVER forgetting. To the moon and back my sweet scooby-doo! Do you know Tinker Tot does the munch munch on my cheek?? Course you do! I don't know how she remembers that but she does......and it drives me just as crazy when you used to do it to me!! Munchies....smooches.......woogees.......I miss you Roo...xoxo Mama.

Train

Blue Rasberrytini tonight...........Blue Bell and Tinker Tot are fast asleep upstairs curled up in each other. After an evening of our favorite activity and playing with the new X-mas train Grandpa sent them. My Dad hasn't seen Blue Bell since she was 2 yrs old and has never met Tinker Tot. Yet, he sends the most splendid gifts for xmas. He brings magic into our home and lives several states away. He brings the magic of X-mas back to me each year since Roo has left us just as he did when I was younger. When I was younger, he always set up his train from his youth around our xmas tree. I would play with it for hours upon hours. I would get lost in making up stories about the train and the little village it circled around. It would help me to drown out the fights between him and my Mother. The awful screaming would disappear as I would disappear into the x-mas village and as I made the train go full throttle round and round so I could not hear the yelling.

I'm sure he has no clue that is why I loved the train so much. He remembers looking at me smiling as I played with it and kept busy for hours. He doesn't know the reason why my 10 yr old little self got so absorbed in it. I won't tell him either. The train made me VERY happy. What brings me more joy now though is watching Blue Bell and Tinker Tot play with their new train. Knowing, that they aren't playing with it to escape any yelling, fighting, or screaming. Knowing, that although their innocence of childhood has a big scar on it, they are playing to have fun. I know that as I watch them and play with them they aren't thinking about Roo's upcoming Birthday, they aren't thinking about what horrible thing is going to happen next, they are enjoying the sound of the train going round and round, the xmas music, the whistle on the train, because it's part of the magic of X-mas.

My X-mas train when I was 10 yrs old saved me.........I got lost in a world to avoid the ugliness around me. As an adult, I get lost in watching my girls laugh and play. Watching my girls play with innocence and not to escape. I remember too many things that brought me happiness but in order to escape pain and reality. Wow, I guess that's why I was able to find comforting things to do when Roo was here and dying. ***Light bulb moment***

Gosh, Blue Bell is such a trial right now. She's throwing a fit again. They were sleeping so sweetly, curled up together, until Tinker Tot moved out of her Blue Bell's arms and she awakened. She awakened and realized that Tinker Tot was in her arms and not Roo...and she's angry.......Me too Blue...Me too......

The blue rastini must wait........I'm off to cuddle both Blue Bell and Tinker Tot off to dream land.....hoping that they feel their Mother's love around them. Hoping we all feel a piece of Roo with us as we fall asleep.

F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Roo's 1st Birthday

Friday, December 17, 2004
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY PRINCESS Roo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe that Roo is 1 today. When she was born I had no clue the journey we were about to begin. I had no clue that in this last year Roo would help me to heal family relationships, teach me how strong I can be, bring Tinker's Dad back into her life, and touch everyone that meets her. I have learned so much from this little girl of mine, so much about life. I cherish everyday I have with her. I don't think that I will ever be able to truly accept everything that has happened to her. Bu,t I believe that I am ready to live again for my children, to give Roo much love and happiness everyday as she gives to those around her. All of my friends just absolutely fell in love with her last week. Every minute of the day someone was holding her and she just loved it. I know you all are waiting for details, I'm just so busy living again.

Her appt was awesome we go back on Jan 3 for testing. They are going to do the skin biopsy again, evoked potential testing on her eyes, eeg, mri, gi, pulmo, cardio, another swallowing study, we are gonna be busy. The doctor at the clinic put his initial diagnosis as Metabolic encephalopathy, mental retardation, failure to thrive, and short stature. Roo has not really grown since she was 8 months old. Her head circumference is the same, her weight up and down if we could hit 17 lbs and keep going I would be a happy mommy!, and her length has been the same for 4 months. I told the doctor, I know she is the way she is, but I would like a diagnosis to at least have something to go by. He said that there is a 30% chance we may not find one. He will go as far as I want to go in looking. He confirmed what I already knew about this being progressive. He would like to try the mito cocktail or something like that but he wants to do his testing 1st. I told him I was moving up in Feb. and was surprised when he said that the testing can't wait till then. So, we are on a better path, still not a great one, but better!

Roo has been doing OK, she has another ear infection she needs tubes. Her breathing is awful and I'm so sick and tired of bringing her to the doctor and them telling me its because she has no productive cough and that's just the way it is. I mean there's got be something I can do to get that crap out her throat and chest. I have been doing chest pt that her therapist taught me, I can move some of it but not always. I'm doing breathing treatments and just praying it gets better.

She's also been having trouble pooping lately. It seems like she is just not strong enough to push it out, poor thing. She just tries so hard and nothing so me and mostly her dad have been helping her out. I tried some mineral oil to see if that would help and after 3 days still nothing so we'll see. After being in Ohio last week, around my family and friends, I feel a great sense of peace. I know that whatever happens I will be OK, that my girls and I are surrounded by love, and Roo's life will change people and touch them. It's awesome just to watch my friends hold her, I can see in their eyes the love, and how she just literally melts their heart.

updated: Roo did touch so many lives and change people. I am forever grateful for what she gave here on earth. Blue Bells' 1st gym meet was on the 18th last year, this year the championships are on the 18th. I met a Mom and little girl last year at Blue's 1st gym meet. The little baby girl had Mito, what are the odds, I like to believe that many of Blue's meets are on the 18th to remind us that Roo is still with us and proud of the both of us. For the Mom I am able to be despite her loss, for the wonderful, amazing, shining, girl Blue is, despite having watched Roo die a slow death. She would be 5 now, I'm sure fighting with Tinker over my affection and attention, Blue being annoyed by both her little sissies, God chose this path that we all walk. I step back in wonder everyday at how much Tinker and Blue's bond has grown. How Blue has let go of her anger towards Tinker, because she is not Roo, how they both have flourished and grown. I miss Roo so much, I know Blue misses her too, each day the both of us live to honor her and her memory, understanding each other more then most Mother's and daughter's can........We may not talk about Roo much to the people around us, We may act like life has moved on, truth is we don't need to express through words anymore, those around us know how much we have suffered, how much we have fought to come back and learn how to live without Roo and through her memory, how lucky are we, that through a wink, smile, hug, or encouraging words, we know that everyone around us that loves us deeply, also carries our sweet Roo in their hearts.....

F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHH
blue raz