Friday, December 12, 2008


Blue Rasberrytini tonight...........Blue Bell and Tinker Tot are fast asleep upstairs curled up in each other. After an evening of our favorite activity and playing with the new X-mas train Grandpa sent them. My Dad hasn't seen Blue Bell since she was 2 yrs old and has never met Tinker Tot. Yet, he sends the most splendid gifts for xmas. He brings magic into our home and lives several states away. He brings the magic of X-mas back to me each year since Roo has left us just as he did when I was younger. When I was younger, he always set up his train from his youth around our xmas tree. I would play with it for hours upon hours. I would get lost in making up stories about the train and the little village it circled around. It would help me to drown out the fights between him and my Mother. The awful screaming would disappear as I would disappear into the x-mas village and as I made the train go full throttle round and round so I could not hear the yelling.
I'm sure he has no clue that is why I loved the train so much. He remembers looking at me smiling as I played with it and kept busy for hours. He doesn't know the reason why my 10 yr old little self got so absorbed in it. I won't tell him either. The train made me VERY happy. What brings me more joy now though is watching Blue Bell and Tinker Tot play with their new train. Knowing, that they aren't playing with it to escape any yelling, fighting, or screaming. Knowing, that although their innocence of childhood has a big scar on it, they are playing to have fun. I know that as I watch them and play with them they aren't thinking about Roo's upcoming Birthday, they aren't thinking about what horrible thing is going to happen next, they are enjoying the sound of the train going round and round, the xmas music, the whistle on the train, because it's part of the magic of X-mas.
My X-mas train when I was 10 yrs old saved me.........I got lost in a world to avoid the ugliness around me. As an adult, I get lost in watching my girls laugh and play. Watching my girls play with innocence and not to escape. I remember too many things that brought me happiness but in order to escape pain and reality. Wow, I guess that's why I was able to find comforting things to do when Roo was here and dying. ***Light bulb moment***
Gosh, Blue Bell is such a trial right now. She's throwing a fit again. They were sleeping so sweetly, curled up together, until Tinker Tot moved out of her Blue Bell's arms and she awakened. She awakened and realized that Tinker Tot was in her arms and not Roo...and she's angry.......Me too Blue...Me too......
The blue rastini must wait........I'm off to cuddle both Blue Bell and Tinker Tot off to dream land.....hoping that they feel their Mother's love around them. Hoping we all feel a piece of Roo with us as we fall asleep.

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