Sunday, December 21, 2008
Tomorrow she'll be 5. What can I possibly say to mark this day? I can remember her birth, her life, her smile, her love. I feel the heartache and the pain. I feel the motions of life pushing me forward whether I want to go forward or not. Blue Bell said it out loud last night, "I miss Roo." I almost fell over but I was driving LOL. She said she tries to imagine her "normal" walking, 5, talking, with legs. Her words. She said when she imagines her that way all she can see is her head, smile, and legs. I told her, "Blue Bell, we are T-girls...we are nothing but small heads, no bodies, and long legs....that's exactly how she would be!" Blue Bell laughed and let out a sigh. When we got home, she hugged me, like REALLY hugged me and we swayed back and forth hugging each other in the kitchen for awhile. The swaying is a habit we both got from Roo. She loved to be held that way. Living without one of your children here on earth it sucks.....BADLY. Living in the moment, for my other 2 that are here, is WONDERFUL. I think I've found a nice balance between the two and a really healthy support system to help hold us up when we need it. In AA, they say take it one day at a time. Same is true for grief. Sometimes it's an hour at a time, sometimes it's a minute, sometimes it's a second. Right now, I'm trying to suspend time......like it's not moving forward. I want it to stop and not be that one more birthday has passed without her. Tomorrow, the girls have gym. I'll be going out into the world and sending all my love and energy into children that don't get it at home. I'll be celebrating the little moments when those children "get it." I'll be thanking God for Blue's gym coach, who has called me everyday to check on us, and listen to me. I'll be thanking God for Tinker Tot's Aunt, who is going to go out to dinner with me and her while Blue Bell is at gym practice. I'll be thanking God for my Moms who I can call and talk to and they listen more then they talk the past few weeks. I'll be Thanking God for old friends, new friends, old friends that are new again. I'll be Thankful mostly for the gift of being Roo's Mom. I'll be thankful she is healed and still all around us with her spirit. I'll be thankful that God trusted me enough to be her Mommy. I'll be thankful for the other Angel Mom's that "get it." and send me sweet love and hugs everyday. Well, I guess I wrote out what 5 means to us this year. Thankful. Grateful. Love. Strength. Appreciation. New. Old. Moving forward, but NEVER forgetting. To the moon and back my sweet scooby-doo! Do you know Tinker Tot does the munch munch on my cheek?? Course you do! I don't know how she remembers that but she does......and it drives me just as crazy when you used to do it to me!! Munchies....smooches.......woogees.......I miss you Roo...xoxo Mama.