Sometimes I feel like my life is over. Between the loss of my Roo and the not so good relationships and friendships I've had it's hard to believe there is still hope. I've lived here for 3 1/2 yrs now and it's just recently, I finally feel I'm trying to build myself a life. A life filled with positive people. Some days, I just go through the motions of living and for awhile I was perfectly satisfied with that. Always taking steps forward but almost sleep-walking through life. My life has never been traditional neither in my childhood or adulthood. I talked with my Dad for a long time yesterday. I love talking to my Dad. He is a man that is filled with wisdom and has an amazing capacity for being objective. He said to me, "I don't know what normal is but it sounds like you've finally found the way to balance yours." How true is that.
I'm constantly analyzing things. How I feel, Am I a good Mother?, is this person or that person a good influence in my life and the girlies, what are my goals, how to achieve them......One thing I've done since Roo died was concentrate all my energy on Blue Bell and Tinker Tot. Putting everything I have into them. It's truly the 1st time I've been a single parent and it's been hard but also I've come to realize something, I can and am doing quite well.
I'm a person that doesn't like to be alone. I know this and accept it. My Mother jumped from relationship to relationship growing up and it's a pattern I have myself. After Roo though, I know what I will not accept and will accept in a relationship and I've decided I won't settle for anything less. Living life and appearing to live life are 2 different things. I'm a highly emotional person duh LOL if you read my ramblings that's not hard to figure out. Stepping out of my comfort zone is something I'm always doing. Something my Dad taught me long ago.......with graphs and pictures even LOL. Thing is though, I've been stepping out of my comfort zone.....but keeping my emotions locked up.
Now, few have found the key to get me to open up. Few have been brave and patient enough to stand by me as they witness my moods and emotions fluctuate all over the place. I want to be able to share my life with someone and be as open as I know I can be. But, when I open up, let down my walls, it scares the living crap out of me, and the self-doubt that doesn't exist comes pouring out. Right now, it's one of the biggest hurdles I'm trying to overcome. Because, I can't endure any more disappointment. I don't want to endure anymore hurt. But, I wear my heart on my sleeve, when I open it up. The hope is exhilarating. The doubt is crippling. Two extremes. How do I balance that?
I have no patience in waiting to see what will be or what is. I want to know NOW but that's not how life works. I am choosing to walk around with myself exposed to the world right now. Sharing my feelings in real life and here in this blog. I feel vulnerable. I don't like it. But it's necessary. Because my life is NOT over. It's a new beginning. It's a fresh start. A new chapter. I've just always been the type of person to read the last page of a new book to see how it ends before I even know how it began.
My emotions are all over the place. And for the most part they are good. Happy, hopeful, smiling, laughing..........and I want to hold onto all of that as firmly as I can. Because sometimes there are happy endings right????
F*Lushhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Showing posts with label normal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label normal. Show all posts
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
It's Boring....
It's been one of those days. Snowed in, Blue Bell and Tinker Tot playing together, fighting, playing together fighting. I finally made Tinker lay down with me and take a nap since she's been sick lately. She's 6 and still will take a 3 hr nap, go to bed on time, and still sleep 12hrs, and still need a nap. Blue Bell never sleeps. She's never slept through the night since the day she was born and despite medication to help, ADHD and PTSD, she still never sleeps. She was up at 2am last night trying to steal her DS from under my arm. Yes, I was sleeping with it like it was my most favorite stuffed animal. It did keep the girlies quiet for a full 30 mins yesterday....I do have rules though...No DS in the bedroom! Cause I know Blue all too well. She'll wake up and play that thing ALL NIGHT LONG..and be a major cranky tween ALL DAY LONG.
Today has been boring. Boring......never thought I would come to a point in my life where it was BORING. I love boring...just about as much as I love technology and the DS. It's taken me a long time to accept boring as our "new normal." I was used to our lives being dictated on how Roo was doing everyday. Then, I felt guilty after she was gone. There were no medical companies to scream at, "Where is our 02 tank?? WE NEED IT NOW!" There were no 20 billion phone calls a day to fight with insurance companies over new equipment, no PT, no OT, no doctors appointments to keep up with, no going through her dresser of supplies figuring out what I needed to order next. No 90 min routine of drawing up meds in syringes to put through her g-tube, no 30 min. neb txs, no setting up her feeding bag and calculating how long the feeding pump should run, no vest txs, no changing of her broviac and g-tube dressing......are you getting a picture here?
Now, I'm busy listening to Blue and Tinker fight and play. One minute the love each other the next there's yelling. I love every time one of them comes to me and says sissy did this, sissy did that, while I sit and listen to their side of the story, like I didn't hear the whole sissy disagreement cause I'm sitting right in the next room. Then I tell the both of them....get along or ELSE!!! Ya, that tactic always works well.
I love that my girls play together and fight together. Their lives aren't dictated by how many seizures Roo had today, Blue Bell isn't asking me over and over again if she can empty Roo's foley bag, Tinker Tot isn't sequestered away at her Dad's house. Their fighting over silly sissy stuff. "Normal" sibling stuff. Their lives are just beginning. I feared for so long that Blue wouldn't be able to get her childhood back. In some ways, she won't. She witnessed death at such a young age, close up and personal. Tinker Tot's memories are faded and foggy at best.
Hopefully, this will be the worst tragedy of my life. In my 30s....losing my Roo......Hopefully, the chapters of Blue Bell's and Tinker Tot's life will be filled with more JOY then heartache. While I do WANT TO RIP OUT MY HAIR every time I hear "MOOOOOOOOM! Sissy isn't playing NICE!!" I'm so forever grateful that I have these 2 wonderful, bright, annoying, playful, do they know what NO means?, squishy, lovie, little girls.
Today, like every new day, is a new page in our journey. A fresh page waiting to be written. It's just taken awhile for this Mom to get used to the page being written by Blue and Tinker. And not filled up by Roo. It is their time to SHINE.....or fight....wherever the moment takes them. Today was boring......"normal" whatever you want to call it. The best part though.....was when they were quiet for 35 mins....then came bursting in the room, their faces covered in make-up....and I just had to watch their show, play, they made up. Being snowed in isn't all that bad. It was wonderful to watch their imaginations work together.....even though at the end of the play they smacked each other.
F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Today has been boring. Boring......never thought I would come to a point in my life where it was BORING. I love boring...just about as much as I love technology and the DS. It's taken me a long time to accept boring as our "new normal." I was used to our lives being dictated on how Roo was doing everyday. Then, I felt guilty after she was gone. There were no medical companies to scream at, "Where is our 02 tank?? WE NEED IT NOW!" There were no 20 billion phone calls a day to fight with insurance companies over new equipment, no PT, no OT, no doctors appointments to keep up with, no going through her dresser of supplies figuring out what I needed to order next. No 90 min routine of drawing up meds in syringes to put through her g-tube, no 30 min. neb txs, no setting up her feeding bag and calculating how long the feeding pump should run, no vest txs, no changing of her broviac and g-tube dressing......are you getting a picture here?
Now, I'm busy listening to Blue and Tinker fight and play. One minute the love each other the next there's yelling. I love every time one of them comes to me and says sissy did this, sissy did that, while I sit and listen to their side of the story, like I didn't hear the whole sissy disagreement cause I'm sitting right in the next room. Then I tell the both of them....get along or ELSE!!! Ya, that tactic always works well.
I love that my girls play together and fight together. Their lives aren't dictated by how many seizures Roo had today, Blue Bell isn't asking me over and over again if she can empty Roo's foley bag, Tinker Tot isn't sequestered away at her Dad's house. Their fighting over silly sissy stuff. "Normal" sibling stuff. Their lives are just beginning. I feared for so long that Blue wouldn't be able to get her childhood back. In some ways, she won't. She witnessed death at such a young age, close up and personal. Tinker Tot's memories are faded and foggy at best.
Hopefully, this will be the worst tragedy of my life. In my 30s....losing my Roo......Hopefully, the chapters of Blue Bell's and Tinker Tot's life will be filled with more JOY then heartache. While I do WANT TO RIP OUT MY HAIR every time I hear "MOOOOOOOOM! Sissy isn't playing NICE!!" I'm so forever grateful that I have these 2 wonderful, bright, annoying, playful, do they know what NO means?, squishy, lovie, little girls.
Today, like every new day, is a new page in our journey. A fresh page waiting to be written. It's just taken awhile for this Mom to get used to the page being written by Blue and Tinker. And not filled up by Roo. It is their time to SHINE.....or fight....wherever the moment takes them. Today was boring......"normal" whatever you want to call it. The best part though.....was when they were quiet for 35 mins....then came bursting in the room, their faces covered in make-up....and I just had to watch their show, play, they made up. Being snowed in isn't all that bad. It was wonderful to watch their imaginations work together.....even though at the end of the play they smacked each other.
F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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