Sunday, January 11, 2009

Could it be over?

Sometimes I feel like my life is over. Between the loss of my Roo and the not so good relationships and friendships I've had it's hard to believe there is still hope. I've lived here for 3 1/2 yrs now and it's just recently, I finally feel I'm trying to build myself a life. A life filled with positive people. Some days, I just go through the motions of living and for awhile I was perfectly satisfied with that. Always taking steps forward but almost sleep-walking through life. My life has never been traditional neither in my childhood or adulthood. I talked with my Dad for a long time yesterday. I love talking to my Dad. He is a man that is filled with wisdom and has an amazing capacity for being objective. He said to me, "I don't know what normal is but it sounds like you've finally found the way to balance yours." How true is that.

I'm constantly analyzing things. How I feel, Am I a good Mother?, is this person or that person a good influence in my life and the girlies, what are my goals, how to achieve them......One thing I've done since Roo died was concentrate all my energy on Blue Bell and Tinker Tot. Putting everything I have into them. It's truly the 1st time I've been a single parent and it's been hard but also I've come to realize something, I can and am doing quite well.

I'm a person that doesn't like to be alone. I know this and accept it. My Mother jumped from relationship to relationship growing up and it's a pattern I have myself. After Roo though, I know what I will not accept and will accept in a relationship and I've decided I won't settle for anything less. Living life and appearing to live life are 2 different things. I'm a highly emotional person duh LOL if you read my ramblings that's not hard to figure out. Stepping out of my comfort zone is something I'm always doing. Something my Dad taught me long ago.......with graphs and pictures even LOL. Thing is though, I've been stepping out of my comfort zone.....but keeping my emotions locked up.

Now, few have found the key to get me to open up. Few have been brave and patient enough to stand by me as they witness my moods and emotions fluctuate all over the place. I want to be able to share my life with someone and be as open as I know I can be. But, when I open up, let down my walls, it scares the living crap out of me, and the self-doubt that doesn't exist comes pouring out. Right now, it's one of the biggest hurdles I'm trying to overcome. Because, I can't endure any more disappointment. I don't want to endure anymore hurt. But, I wear my heart on my sleeve, when I open it up. The hope is exhilarating. The doubt is crippling. Two extremes. How do I balance that?

I have no patience in waiting to see what will be or what is. I want to know NOW but that's not how life works. I am choosing to walk around with myself exposed to the world right now. Sharing my feelings in real life and here in this blog. I feel vulnerable. I don't like it. But it's necessary. Because my life is NOT over. It's a new beginning. It's a fresh start. A new chapter. I've just always been the type of person to read the last page of a new book to see how it ends before I even know how it began.

My emotions are all over the place. And for the most part they are good. Happy, hopeful, smiling, laughing..........and I want to hold onto all of that as firmly as I can. Because sometimes there are happy endings right????


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