It's Boring....

It's been one of those days. Snowed in, Blue Bell and Tinker Tot playing together, fighting, playing together fighting. I finally made Tinker lay down with me and take a nap since she's been sick lately. She's 6 and still will take a 3 hr nap, go to bed on time, and still sleep 12hrs, and still need a nap. Blue Bell never sleeps. She's never slept through the night since the day she was born and despite medication to help, ADHD and PTSD, she still never sleeps. She was up at 2am last night trying to steal her DS from under my arm. Yes, I was sleeping with it like it was my most favorite stuffed animal. It did keep the girlies quiet for a full 30 mins yesterday....I do have rules though...No DS in the bedroom! Cause I know Blue all too well. She'll wake up and play that thing ALL NIGHT LONG..and be a major cranky tween ALL DAY LONG.



Today has been boring. Boring......never thought I would come to a point in my life where it was BORING. I love boring...just about as much as I love technology and the DS. It's taken me a long time to accept boring as our "new normal." I was used to our lives being dictated on how Roo was doing everyday. Then, I felt guilty after she was gone. There were no medical companies to scream at, "Where is our 02 tank?? WE NEED IT NOW!" There were no 20 billion phone calls a day to fight with insurance companies over new equipment, no PT, no OT, no doctors appointments to keep up with, no going through her dresser of supplies figuring out what I needed to order next. No 90 min routine of drawing up meds in syringes to put through her g-tube, no 30 min. neb txs, no setting up her feeding bag and calculating how long the feeding pump should run, no vest txs, no changing of her broviac and g-tube dressing......are you getting a picture here?



Now, I'm busy listening to Blue and Tinker fight and play. One minute the love each other the next there's yelling. I love every time one of them comes to me and says sissy did this, sissy did that, while I sit and listen to their side of the story, like I didn't hear the whole sissy disagreement cause I'm sitting right in the next room. Then I tell the both of them....get along or ELSE!!! Ya, that tactic always works well.



I love that my girls play together and fight together. Their lives aren't dictated by how many seizures Roo had today, Blue Bell isn't asking me over and over again if she can empty Roo's foley bag, Tinker Tot isn't sequestered away at her Dad's house. Their fighting over silly sissy stuff. "Normal" sibling stuff. Their lives are just beginning. I feared for so long that Blue wouldn't be able to get her childhood back. In some ways, she won't. She witnessed death at such a young age, close up and personal. Tinker Tot's memories are faded and foggy at best.



Hopefully, this will be the worst tragedy of my life. In my 30s....losing my Roo......Hopefully, the chapters of Blue Bell's and Tinker Tot's life will be filled with more JOY then heartache. While I do WANT TO RIP OUT MY HAIR every time I hear "MOOOOOOOOM! Sissy isn't playing NICE!!" I'm so forever grateful that I have these 2 wonderful, bright, annoying, playful, do they know what NO means?, squishy, lovie, little girls.



Today, like every new day, is a new page in our journey. A fresh page waiting to be written. It's just taken awhile for this Mom to get used to the page being written by Blue and Tinker. And not filled up by Roo. It is their time to SHINE.....or fight....wherever the moment takes them. Today was boring......"normal" whatever you want to call it. The best part though.....was when they were quiet for 35 mins....then came bursting in the room, their faces covered in make-up....and I just had to watch their show, play, they made up. Being snowed in isn't all that bad. It was wonderful to watch their imaginations work together.....even though at the end of the play they smacked each other.



F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Breathe In...Breathe out....

Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Breathe in, Breathe out..........that is my mantra lately. Life has been rolling along smoothly with a few bumps here and there. It seems as though the holidays, fall, winter, Roo boo boo's 4Th birthday all have snuck up on me FAST. Most likely because I've been so busy with the girlies to even catch my breath or have any longer then 10 mins at a time to really think about things.....or maybe just because I haven't let my mind drift there.....Just Yet.....till last night.

Last night the anxiety hit FULL FORCE. I mean straight on hit the wall going 100mph. It's not like I haven't been here before. 3yrs ago I was celebrating Thanksgiving with Tinker Tot 1200 miles away, Blue Bell with a not so present Mooma, Mumzie, or Moulia as she likes to call me (don't know where she learned to come up with nicknames like that LOL), and Roo recovering from her 1st long term hospitalization from the yucky RSV and proving to ALL of us that there was a ton of fight in her spirit against the broken body she was born into. 2 yrs ago, celebrating Thanksgiving, knowing it was going to be Roo's last as she had taken a turn for the worst, and trying to find some inner balance inside myself that life would never ever be the same, and feeling so robbed, lost, angry, and just wanting to hold all 3 of my girls as close as I could. 1 yr ago, celebrating Thanksgiving, feeling numb, sad, incomplete, with a brave smile on my face for the girlies, crying inside, screaming for my baby to be back with us for just one more minute.
Breathe in, Breathe out. Now, all the 2nds are upon us. The year of 2nd holidays without Roo in this new normal we have settled into.....life without her. She would have been 4 next month. Last night, as I was sitting at gymnastics with my 5yr old Tinker Tot in my arms, as I tickled her back, and her sweet little face was cuddled up to mine, it really hit me. Wow, they would be playing together, sitting here together, coloring next to each other, fighting over Mama's lap. Tinker , that kid never ceases to amaze me. I was soooooo looking forward to seeing her yesterday at gym. RosieD aka Step-mom was coaching last night so it was just me and Tinker for 2hrs. I needed to cuddle her so badly, and kissie her, and sing with her. She really knocks my socks off in so many different ways. She's so silly and inquisitive. Sometimes she will come out and ask the silliest questions just to see how we will react and other times she asks the most mind-blowing questions.


Last night was all about the mind-blowing questions. How do I explain how Roo is still in our lives but we are living in the present? I don't know if I can find the right words to describe it. Sometimes on occasion I will bring Roo up in conversation, Blue Bell barely talks about her, Tinker, she talks about Roo SO MUCH. Maybe it's her age and since she doesn't really remember as clearly as Blue and I do she thinks about things and tries to wrap her little 5yr old Tinky mind around them.

So, there we were last night at gym and she's coloring. I'm sitting there watching Blue, letting my mind wander to the other 80 billion things I think about, ya know, laundry, appts today, Blue's 1st gym meet on Sunday, Xmas, why did I wear this uncomfortable shirt yada yada........Tinker turns to me and says......"Mommy, what will happen if the world dies?" ummmm........ahhhhhhhh.......well Tinker.........Breathe in, Breathe out........My eyes dart over to RosieD coaching gym, looks exhausting but wishing that I was coaching those 20 little gymnasts and spotting their tricks. Well, Tinker, I think if the world was going to die that God and Jesus would come and get us 1st and bring us home to heaven......but I don't think that's going to happen for a longggggg time, and well I think that's a good question for Dada, we'll ask him.

That satisfied her enough for about 2 minutes till the next question came. She put her coloring away, climbed back up on my lap and cuddled up, and said, "Mommy, do you worry about Roo?" There I am thinking to myself.........ummm ahhhhh where in the world does she come up with this stuff and why always when I'm battling back the grief demon. Well, no Tinker, not at all. She's in Heaven, in a perfect body, you don't have to worry about anything there. "Well, Mom I worry about my family."........O.K. now my heart is breaking.....Tinker why is that??? Well, I haven't seen my Grandma in awhile.......she's not in Heaven Tinker Tot and ummm didn't you just see her 2 weeks ago at sissie's bday party???? OHHH Yeah!!! That's right!! I forgot......and ummm isn't she coming over with your other Grandma for Thanksgiving just like they do every year.........OHH YEAH!!! That's right!!!! Tinker laughs, giggles, and does some more of her deep down belly laughing......SILLY ME!!!

Back to coloring she goes. And there I sit thinking boy this is going to be a longgggggg 2 hrs if she keeps this up. 5 mins passes........."Mommy?" Yes, Tinker? "You cry at xmas time." Yes, Tink, yes I do. "Cause you miss Roo?" Yes, especially around Xmas cause her birthday is right around that time too Tinker.

She crawls back up on my lap.......cuddles herself into me some more......lays in my arms like my big baby.........we snuggle.....I watch Blue hit her floor routine in stride......She's looking good for the meet........."Mommy?' Yes, Tinker? We should get Roo a High School Musical Cake this year!!!!! Ok. more cuddles.......I watch Blue pike her vault....that needs a little tweaking before the meet........."Mommy?" Yes, Tinker. Roo is going to be 4 right? Yep. Well, then her cake has to be Blue's Clue's cause 4yrs olds like that better.....not me though cause I'm 5 and I'm a much more big girl.......Yes, Tinker, Yes you are.

I look up gym is done. RosieD comes over exhausted from her work out with the little gymnasts. I'm just as exhausted too though, in a different way. I tell her about the oh so important question Dada must answer for Tinker Tot.......we walk outside get the girlies in the car.......I tell her about Tinker's and my conversation. She listens attentively like always......stands there patiently while the little twerpies are bugging each other in the car........I think she knows my anxiety has started.

We go off on our separate ways. Blue gets in the car and talks and talks and talks on the way home. This girl said that at gym, this girl did this......uh huh, uh huh.......I listen. Breathe in, Breathe out. I will make it through the holidays.....I will make it through Roo's bday, I will make it through the dreadful winter. I will because I HAVE TO, for the girlies, and I will because I CAN. With some tears, moments of happiness captured here and there, watching my girls grow, answering Tinker tot's breath taking questions every now and then. All while remembering, Breathe in, Breathe out..........just breathe..........

F*Lushhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

more updated post coming soon.

Finding Balance Part 1

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Finding Balance part 1
Finding balance is proving to more challenging lately. I have 2 wonderful, amazing, beautiful, and brilliant daughters. For 2 1/2yrs they were sharing their childhood together, day in, day out. Then Roo came along and all of our lives were tossed upside down and all around and this Mommy had to make some pretty tough choices. I've had to make some pretty hard decisions over the past 3 yrs and some of them have been really great for my girls and others well not so great.
Blue Bell, wow, what a smart little whippersnapper that kid is. I'll never forget the day she asked me if Roo was going to die. We didn't even have a dx for Roo yet but Blue she just knew in her heart that something wasn't right. Blue had such a strong connection and bond with Roo it surpasses anything in life I've ever seen between 2 people. She was the 1st one to get Roo to smile. Roo didn't smile until she was about 6 months old and when she started well it was a lot of effort and goofiness to get her to do it again. Blue was also the 1st one to get Roo to laugh, somewhere between 7 and 8 months old. I was in the other room and thought Roo was crying. I knew Blue Bell had something to do with that noise I was hearing and came storming into the living room to find Blue laying next to her sissie, singing to her, and Roo laughing up a storm. What an exciting day!!!!! I said BB, how did you do that?????? Well Mommy I just sang her Twinkle Twinkle it always gets me and Tinker to laugh and smile when you sing it silly. Roo, the schooch that she is (I hate saying was) would only smile the 1st time we would sing it to her. If you weren't there in the room when someone started singing the song and thought you could get another smile you were wrong. Just once, that's it no repeat. So, us girls, being the strong-willed girlies we are got out all our bells and whistles and did everything silly you could imagine and before you knew it Roo was laughing and smiling alllllllllll the time. Finally, after months of waiting for her cooing, smiling, laughing, things that all should have happened in the 1st months of her life, all came together, and it was amazing and beautiful.
Well, as usual I digress. I was going to write about this past weekend and having to chose between doing this or that to make the Tinker happy or Blue. Didn't know all that stuff about Roo was going to come out but there it is. F*Lushhhhhhhhhh

HI, HOW ARE YOU????!!!!!

I talked to RosieD tonight for the 1st time in 7 months. RosieD aka. Step-Mom, new wife to the ex, oh and one of my ex-closest friends. As I was driving home in the worst ice storm of the season my phone rang. It was an incoming call from RosieD's cell phone. The same one she called my daughter from on Friday night and told her to NEVEREVER call the cell phone again. mmkay. I answered thinking Tinker Tot was calling me. See, RosieD, she never plays her stalker like games teetering on the edge of what's legal and not legal when she knows the guardian can be called immediately. RosieD, one of my closest, best, girlfriends that walked by my side through the death of Roo, held my hand as I cried, loves Tinker Tot as her own.....till 7 months ago. I answered the phone and there was her Rosie voice in my ear. Truth be told, I miss her. But, I can never forgive her for her actions over the past year. She was calling to tell me she finally brought Tinker to the doctor for her snotty runny ear....ya it's only been 2 weeks, and that Tinker's ringworm is better but only because she was putting bleach on it. BLEACH! Now, being the germaphobic I am I did think about spraying Tinker's ringworm with lysol...oh yes, I did....but settled on spraying every inch of myself instead.









35 mins I listened to RosieD tattle on about the trip to the doctor with Tinker and this and that. 35 mins. of driving through an ice storm seeing accident after accident and concentrating to keep my own darn car on the road. Smart to talk and drive...ummmm no so much. Did it keep me from being the crazy lunatic I wanted to be and tear RosieD a new one and stop pretending like the words she said to me 7 months ago didn't exist. yah.









RosieD and I used to talk everyday. Tinker Tot has grown up knowing both her "Moms" loved each other very much. There used to be movies together, roller skating, scrapbooking, dinners at each other's houses...a mixed family, non-traditional, but filled with love. I thought it was one of the greatest gifts Roo brought us. I miss her and still love her but I can't forgive what she said to me over the past year, mostly 3 words she said to me, at Tinker's soccer game.









RosieD never knew the me before Roo. She knew the me during the biggest crisis of my life. And it wasn't until I started gaining more strength physically and emotionally, that I realized how controlling she was. How shocked I was when my eyes were finally open, that she actually enjoyed me being weak. It makes me so sad to think how our friendship disintegrated because of her insecurities and jealousy. It makes me angry...but also so sad. Tonight, talking about Tinker with her, was like the good ole days. Except, we were talking about Tinker Tot's recent bout of illnesses and what needs to be done. I really think for RosieD, she felt it was a way of getting back into our friendship, it was like she didn't skip a beat, like the words that can NEVEREVER be forgiven can be unsaid. They can't. She said them they're out there. I'll talk to her because my Tinker is VERY SICK. I'll listen to what she's been doing to help nurse Tinker back to health so I know what Tinker will be like when I see her tomorrow.









14 days of a runny, snotty, ear.....12 weeks of ringworm in their home....her daughter has it on her face, arms, back, and head. I had to fight RosieD on getting tubes in Tinker's ears when she was 3. She thought I was overreacting. Ya know, I overreacted about everything because of Roo....whateva....I did work in a hospital for years....it's not like I'm stupid. Tonight, she says to me, Thank God, Thank God for her tubes......I'm thinking ya no thanks to you....she wanted her to go through allergy testing 1st....40 pricks in her back to make sure she really needed tubes and a T&A.









I know RosieD's true heart and spirit. I know we will never be friends again. I know that I will never be able to forgive her for what she said. I miss the person she pretended to be though. The good friend that was always there to laugh with me, cry with me, encourage each other, make new memories with all 5 of our girls together. I can't risk letting my guard down, no matter how much I miss who I thought she was. She made sure Tinker was in the room the whole time we were talking. I know Tinker's little heart probably jumped with joy......Tinker doesn't know the words she said that crushed my heart. Tinker is only 6. One day Tinker will be older and will see her step-mom and me in a light where all our strengths and weaknesses shine through. She will ask again what happened that one fateful day. And I, being the good person I am, will tell her once again......she never needs to know what RosieD said to me......because they love each other....and I will never take that away........by repeating those 3 little words.









watermelontini




F*Lushhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2008

• Jan. I started to become more "me." Stronger, determined, happy, making people laugh, and giving.
• Feb. RosieD aka. controlling new wife of ex....started to become jealous of my new found strength and self. Blue achieved success in gymnastics, school, and overcoming her grief. Tinker Tot became VERY clingy and confirmed Blue's 2 step theory.
• March I meant to go to Roo's grave to do something special for her 2 yr Angel Day but we had a HUGE snowstorm. My friend gave me a gift of some of her video's set to music. We cried, had cake, and talked about our fav. memories. Ex and RosieD went on a European Vaca leaving Tinker Tot with me for 12 days.
• April Tinker Tot turned 6, Blue Bell turned 7, and I turned 32. Blue had her 1st Bday party in years....one of my most fav memories of this year.
• May Lots of gym meets....Blue shocking me more in her competitive spirit. More awards for her gymnastics and amazing academic success.
• June RosieD finally showed her true colors and for the 1st time in my life I nearly knocked someone out. Well, that would have been hard, she does weigh more then 200lbs more then me. Tinker's soccer game, 50 people, a screaming match, and a panic attack later, I knew what I didn't want to believe was true. I "had" a close friend, best friend, helping to raise my daughter, that was jealous, that didn't like seeing me be strong and getting over my grief and was determined to keep me down. Haha, little did she know.
• July Nationals for gymnastics with Blue, beaming, wonderful, beautiful memories. Blue and I spent a week alone and our bond as mother and daughter became even stronger if that's possible.
• August Realized that Tinker was becoming a negative result of divorce and 2 homes and decided now was the time. Court battle here we come
• Sept. Blue started a new school, Tinker started 1st grade, I continued with my volunteering helping to strengthen myself and give to those around me.
• Oct. HALLOWEEN!!! our favorite holiday. Spent with Blue, Tinker, Aunt. T. and cousins. We are becoming more of a family of 3 and healing.
• Nov. 1st court hearing regarding Tinker. nerves, I nearly passed out in the courthouse, Guardian appointed for Tinker.....my attorney asks.."Why are we not going for full custody?" I decided to start a blog. Sharing what I have written in the past...and the present.
• Dec. Roo's 5th Bday, many old and new relationships strengthened, xmas....PERFECT..except for the ringworm and the ex-idiot and RosieD.
• New Year's Eve....drinking my 3rd martini about to go to a party full of people I don't know...that's a HUGE step, hello social anxiety, no I'm not driving, just wondering about this negative post, missing Tinker, wanting to strangle RosieD for her manipulative ways and not letting ex-idiot talk to me after the Guardian had a talk with both of us about communicating without RosieD.
• Tomorrow, Jan. 1, 2009, new year without Roo and new post about all the positives about 2008 and my goals for this year.

F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH