Sometimes I feel like my life is over. Between the loss of my Roo and the not so good relationships and friendships I've had it's hard to believe there is still hope. I've lived here for 3 1/2 yrs now and it's just recently, I finally feel I'm trying to build myself a life. A life filled with positive people. Some days, I just go through the motions of living and for awhile I was perfectly satisfied with that. Always taking steps forward but almost sleep-walking through life. My life has never been traditional neither in my childhood or adulthood. I talked with my Dad for a long time yesterday. I love talking to my Dad. He is a man that is filled with wisdom and has an amazing capacity for being objective. He said to me, "I don't know what normal is but it sounds like you've finally found the way to balance yours." How true is that.
I'm constantly analyzing things. How I feel, Am I a good Mother?, is this person or that person a good influence in my life and the girlies, what are my goals, how to achieve them......One thing I've done since Roo died was concentrate all my energy on Blue Bell and Tinker Tot. Putting everything I have into them. It's truly the 1st time I've been a single parent and it's been hard but also I've come to realize something, I can and am doing quite well.
I'm a person that doesn't like to be alone. I know this and accept it. My Mother jumped from relationship to relationship growing up and it's a pattern I have myself. After Roo though, I know what I will not accept and will accept in a relationship and I've decided I won't settle for anything less. Living life and appearing to live life are 2 different things. I'm a highly emotional person duh LOL if you read my ramblings that's not hard to figure out. Stepping out of my comfort zone is something I'm always doing. Something my Dad taught me long ago.......with graphs and pictures even LOL. Thing is though, I've been stepping out of my comfort zone.....but keeping my emotions locked up.
Now, few have found the key to get me to open up. Few have been brave and patient enough to stand by me as they witness my moods and emotions fluctuate all over the place. I want to be able to share my life with someone and be as open as I know I can be. But, when I open up, let down my walls, it scares the living crap out of me, and the self-doubt that doesn't exist comes pouring out. Right now, it's one of the biggest hurdles I'm trying to overcome. Because, I can't endure any more disappointment. I don't want to endure anymore hurt. But, I wear my heart on my sleeve, when I open it up. The hope is exhilarating. The doubt is crippling. Two extremes. How do I balance that?
I have no patience in waiting to see what will be or what is. I want to know NOW but that's not how life works. I am choosing to walk around with myself exposed to the world right now. Sharing my feelings in real life and here in this blog. I feel vulnerable. I don't like it. But it's necessary. Because my life is NOT over. It's a new beginning. It's a fresh start. A new chapter. I've just always been the type of person to read the last page of a new book to see how it ends before I even know how it began.
My emotions are all over the place. And for the most part they are good. Happy, hopeful, smiling, laughing..........and I want to hold onto all of that as firmly as I can. Because sometimes there are happy endings right????
F*Lushhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Showing posts with label loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loss. Show all posts
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Proceed with Caution....or just ignore me...
Pomgengratetini tonight.......I don't know why I decided to finally start a blog around Roo's 5th birthday with my emotions swirling all around me. I'm starting to feel like a whining blogger type. Oh well. Tonight my anger consumes me. Blue Bell, Tinker Tot, and I put up the Xmas tree. I used to love it. 3 yrs now I hate it. I hate that my Roo is a decoration on my tree rather then being here. I hate the Memory ornaments given to me, the ornaments that hold her picture, the ornaments that she(her pt) made with her teeny tiny little hand prints. I hate them but they also bring me so much peace.
I'm so angry and I don't like it. I hate not knowing what to do with my feelings of missing my sweet Roo. This weekend, Blue, Tinker, and I had a great time filled with laughter and laugh. It's been 3 holiday seasons and I can finally say I'm able to stop in the moments filled with love and laughter and soak them in. Not just pretend. Tinker Tot made arts and crafts out the kazoo this weekend like usual. Rainbows, butterflies, pictures of her horse, written songs, and stories she created with her own imagination. I love watching her draw and write her imagination at work.
Blue Bell loved playing with Tinker this weekend, loving each other up, driving each other crazy, helping me decorate the tree, being angry, happy, smiling, and laughing. I feel so sorry for those around me that are close to me. This is the time of year that takes the most patience. I try to withdraw into myself and concentrate all my energy on Blue and Tinker, but some friends still demand my attention. I warn them. I do. I tell them, My moods are going to be up and down, we can be laughing one moment and the next I'll be screaming in pain. Even though I warn them, they act shocked when it happens. I mean it's not like I'm acting insane just because, it's not like I'm acting angry just because, it's not like I'm taking things out on them because I'm there. Telling them I'm going to be emotional roller coaster and to proceed with caution is nice I think anyways. If they don't want to heed the warning, then don't be m-f shocked when the hammer comes down and I want you out of my house and to go home and leave me ALONE!!! Seriously, When I say I'm isolating for the benefit of others I'm not effing kidding. I guess there are always THOSE people though that think, well I'm different, I can get her to get over it, I can get her to change, I can take that hurt away.......YA OK, Jesus walked on water, but DUDE, HE WAS JESUS!!!
So, I miss Roo. It's been almost 3 yrs....ya ya yadda yadda, it's gotten easier with time. Grief comes in waves, blah blah. Just seriously, it sucks some major a** when her Bday and Xmas are 7 days apart. When I already had issues with the holidays because of my parents. In 2 weeks, I should be back on my feet, my smiley ole self. My friends that are smart, either A. Avoid me at this time, B. avoid me at this time unless I call them, show up at their house, IM, email, whatever, C. reach out to me but know they must listen to my nonsense and rambling and occasional walk down memory lane regarding Roo without saying a word, or D. walk into my space and MY TIME expecting me to be normal, expecting me to give them attention on their lives, expect me not to be an angry moody mess, and then when I realize THEY were expecting me to be ahem "NORMAL", blow the eff up and basically tell them to suck it. Those right now are the options.
One friend decided to walk into the mine field tonight and boy oh boy did that backfire. Shoot, any Sunday night when I have to send Tinker Tot back to her Dad's house is reason for me to NOT BE HAPPY. Blue Bell and I are comfortable enough to understand our hurt and anger on those Sundays. We hang out, talk, cuddle, or avoid each other. She goes to her room, I go to mine. It's an understanding. But someone from the outside, where I have tried to explain this and has witnessed it 1st hand now 2xs and still pushes to be apart of that effing mess......c'mon....give us our space.
I sound like a bitter B*tch. Really, I'm not. I'm hurting, Today is the exDH birthday, yesterday was my2nd Mom's bday, tomorrow is my Mom's bday, Weds. is Roo's Bday, Thurs is her 35 mo angel anniversary, I'm dealing with a teenager, a custody battle, more family drama then I need, oh ya and xmas is right around the corner.
Bitter not really, Angry OH YEAH, wanting to drink more of my martini to make it all hurt a little less........right on that........
F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I'm so angry and I don't like it. I hate not knowing what to do with my feelings of missing my sweet Roo. This weekend, Blue, Tinker, and I had a great time filled with laughter and laugh. It's been 3 holiday seasons and I can finally say I'm able to stop in the moments filled with love and laughter and soak them in. Not just pretend. Tinker Tot made arts and crafts out the kazoo this weekend like usual. Rainbows, butterflies, pictures of her horse, written songs, and stories she created with her own imagination. I love watching her draw and write her imagination at work.
Blue Bell loved playing with Tinker this weekend, loving each other up, driving each other crazy, helping me decorate the tree, being angry, happy, smiling, and laughing. I feel so sorry for those around me that are close to me. This is the time of year that takes the most patience. I try to withdraw into myself and concentrate all my energy on Blue and Tinker, but some friends still demand my attention. I warn them. I do. I tell them, My moods are going to be up and down, we can be laughing one moment and the next I'll be screaming in pain. Even though I warn them, they act shocked when it happens. I mean it's not like I'm acting insane just because, it's not like I'm acting angry just because, it's not like I'm taking things out on them because I'm there. Telling them I'm going to be emotional roller coaster and to proceed with caution is nice I think anyways. If they don't want to heed the warning, then don't be m-f shocked when the hammer comes down and I want you out of my house and to go home and leave me ALONE!!! Seriously, When I say I'm isolating for the benefit of others I'm not effing kidding. I guess there are always THOSE people though that think, well I'm different, I can get her to get over it, I can get her to change, I can take that hurt away.......YA OK, Jesus walked on water, but DUDE, HE WAS JESUS!!!
So, I miss Roo. It's been almost 3 yrs....ya ya yadda yadda, it's gotten easier with time. Grief comes in waves, blah blah. Just seriously, it sucks some major a** when her Bday and Xmas are 7 days apart. When I already had issues with the holidays because of my parents. In 2 weeks, I should be back on my feet, my smiley ole self. My friends that are smart, either A. Avoid me at this time, B. avoid me at this time unless I call them, show up at their house, IM, email, whatever, C. reach out to me but know they must listen to my nonsense and rambling and occasional walk down memory lane regarding Roo without saying a word, or D. walk into my space and MY TIME expecting me to be normal, expecting me to give them attention on their lives, expect me not to be an angry moody mess, and then when I realize THEY were expecting me to be ahem "NORMAL", blow the eff up and basically tell them to suck it. Those right now are the options.
One friend decided to walk into the mine field tonight and boy oh boy did that backfire. Shoot, any Sunday night when I have to send Tinker Tot back to her Dad's house is reason for me to NOT BE HAPPY. Blue Bell and I are comfortable enough to understand our hurt and anger on those Sundays. We hang out, talk, cuddle, or avoid each other. She goes to her room, I go to mine. It's an understanding. But someone from the outside, where I have tried to explain this and has witnessed it 1st hand now 2xs and still pushes to be apart of that effing mess......c'mon....give us our space.
I sound like a bitter B*tch. Really, I'm not. I'm hurting, Today is the exDH birthday, yesterday was my2nd Mom's bday, tomorrow is my Mom's bday, Weds. is Roo's Bday, Thurs is her 35 mo angel anniversary, I'm dealing with a teenager, a custody battle, more family drama then I need, oh ya and xmas is right around the corner.
Bitter not really, Angry OH YEAH, wanting to drink more of my martini to make it all hurt a little less........right on that........
F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Comfort?
Blue Bell has been sick for days now. She's my healthy child. The one that rarely gets sick, that never complains when she is sick, and answers my endless questions of, "How do you feel?" I've been searching for comfort these past few weeks. I've been trying to accept the advice of, "You have 2 children that need you, you MUST move on and, be there for them." Well, unless you have walked in my shoes, some of you have I'm sure, moving on isn't an option, even when you wish is was.
I've been trying to find comfort in Blue Bell's and Tinker Tot's laughter and smiles. I've been trying to relish the delight of being a parent to a tween Blue Bell. I've been holding onto Tinker Tot's innoncence and cuddling her at night as if she was still 6 months old. No matter how hard I try, there is no comfort. So now, I face the inevitable. The pain, grief, and reality, that Roo is gone. That although, I live everyday for Blue and Tinker, that I live for their smiles and laughter, I live to fight to make their childhood magical, Roo is gone.
Roo is going to be 5. I imagine what it would be like to still be driving my mini-van, yelling at all three of them, "Mommy's driving and it's snowing, BE GOOD!" I imagine what her sisterhood would be like with Blue and Tinker. I can imagine, wish, what if, all I want. She's not here. What is here???? A very angry Blue Bell, a very thoughtful lovely Tinker Tot that doesn't understand her sister's anger. Tinker Tot is only 6...3yrs old when Roo left this earth. She doesn't understand how Blue Bell is angry at her for not being Roo. I get it, I do. I wonder though...How long we we live hurting and therefore being angry? They are just beginning their lives......mine has been full of disappointment. I'm still young, I still have dreams, I'm close to fulfilling my dreams. They are just beginning to dream.
There is hope all around us. Just as there was when Roo was dying. There is anger, just as there was when Roo was dying. There is the feeling of loss.....Tinker Tot doesn't spend enough time here with us. I sent her to live with her Dad to spare her of the ugly memories of Roo's last days. Blue and I feel the loss twofold. I'm fighting now, to have Tinker Tot week on week off.
Blue Bell is 10, wise beyond her years, so smart, so beautiful, so loving, so angry. Tinker Tot is 6, innocent, trusting, believing, loving. Roo is 5, forever 2yrs, and I wonder if she is 5 yrs old in Heaven, or forever 2yrs old. We all miss her in our own way. We all hurt for her. Everyday, I get up with a smile on my face. Thankful, for the blessings I do have. I easily get angry at those that don't recognize how easy their lives are, or bitch over stupid petty crap. Still, I smile, I listen to those petty complaints, I try my hardest to be the best Mom I can. Still fighting, to get Blue's innocence back, to get Tinker's time back with us, and to live without forgetting our Roo.
******FLUSSH*********
I've been trying to find comfort in Blue Bell's and Tinker Tot's laughter and smiles. I've been trying to relish the delight of being a parent to a tween Blue Bell. I've been holding onto Tinker Tot's innoncence and cuddling her at night as if she was still 6 months old. No matter how hard I try, there is no comfort. So now, I face the inevitable. The pain, grief, and reality, that Roo is gone. That although, I live everyday for Blue and Tinker, that I live for their smiles and laughter, I live to fight to make their childhood magical, Roo is gone.
Roo is going to be 5. I imagine what it would be like to still be driving my mini-van, yelling at all three of them, "Mommy's driving and it's snowing, BE GOOD!" I imagine what her sisterhood would be like with Blue and Tinker. I can imagine, wish, what if, all I want. She's not here. What is here???? A very angry Blue Bell, a very thoughtful lovely Tinker Tot that doesn't understand her sister's anger. Tinker Tot is only 6...3yrs old when Roo left this earth. She doesn't understand how Blue Bell is angry at her for not being Roo. I get it, I do. I wonder though...How long we we live hurting and therefore being angry? They are just beginning their lives......mine has been full of disappointment. I'm still young, I still have dreams, I'm close to fulfilling my dreams. They are just beginning to dream.
There is hope all around us. Just as there was when Roo was dying. There is anger, just as there was when Roo was dying. There is the feeling of loss.....Tinker Tot doesn't spend enough time here with us. I sent her to live with her Dad to spare her of the ugly memories of Roo's last days. Blue and I feel the loss twofold. I'm fighting now, to have Tinker Tot week on week off.
Blue Bell is 10, wise beyond her years, so smart, so beautiful, so loving, so angry. Tinker Tot is 6, innocent, trusting, believing, loving. Roo is 5, forever 2yrs, and I wonder if she is 5 yrs old in Heaven, or forever 2yrs old. We all miss her in our own way. We all hurt for her. Everyday, I get up with a smile on my face. Thankful, for the blessings I do have. I easily get angry at those that don't recognize how easy their lives are, or bitch over stupid petty crap. Still, I smile, I listen to those petty complaints, I try my hardest to be the best Mom I can. Still fighting, to get Blue's innocence back, to get Tinker's time back with us, and to live without forgetting our Roo.
******FLUSSH*********
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