Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Breathe in, Breathe out..........that is my mantra lately. Life has been rolling along smoothly with a few bumps here and there. It seems as though the holidays, fall, winter, Roo boo boo's 4Th birthday all have snuck up on me FAST. Most likely because I've been so busy with the girlies to even catch my breath or have any longer then 10 mins at a time to really think about things.....or maybe just because I haven't let my mind drift there.....Just Yet.....till last night.
Last night the anxiety hit FULL FORCE. I mean straight on hit the wall going 100mph. It's not like I haven't been here before. 3yrs ago I was celebrating Thanksgiving with Tinker Tot 1200 miles away, Blue Bell with a not so present Mooma, Mumzie, or Moulia as she likes to call me (don't know where she learned to come up with nicknames like that LOL), and Roo recovering from her 1st long term hospitalization from the yucky RSV and proving to ALL of us that there was a ton of fight in her spirit against the broken body she was born into. 2 yrs ago, celebrating Thanksgiving, knowing it was going to be Roo's last as she had taken a turn for the worst, and trying to find some inner balance inside myself that life would never ever be the same, and feeling so robbed, lost, angry, and just wanting to hold all 3 of my girls as close as I could. 1 yr ago, celebrating Thanksgiving, feeling numb, sad, incomplete, with a brave smile on my face for the girlies, crying inside, screaming for my baby to be back with us for just one more minute.
Breathe in, Breathe out. Now, all the 2nds are upon us. The year of 2nd holidays without Roo in this new normal we have settled into.....life without her. She would have been 4 next month. Last night, as I was sitting at gymnastics with my 5yr old Tinker Tot in my arms, as I tickled her back, and her sweet little face was cuddled up to mine, it really hit me. Wow, they would be playing together, sitting here together, coloring next to each other, fighting over Mama's lap. Tinker , that kid never ceases to amaze me. I was soooooo looking forward to seeing her yesterday at gym. RosieD aka Step-mom was coaching last night so it was just me and Tinker for 2hrs. I needed to cuddle her so badly, and kissie her, and sing with her. She really knocks my socks off in so many different ways. She's so silly and inquisitive. Sometimes she will come out and ask the silliest questions just to see how we will react and other times she asks the most mind-blowing questions.
Last night was all about the mind-blowing questions. How do I explain how Roo is still in our lives but we are living in the present? I don't know if I can find the right words to describe it. Sometimes on occasion I will bring Roo up in conversation, Blue Bell barely talks about her, Tinker, she talks about Roo SO MUCH. Maybe it's her age and since she doesn't really remember as clearly as Blue and I do she thinks about things and tries to wrap her little 5yr old Tinky mind around them.
So, there we were last night at gym and she's coloring. I'm sitting there watching Blue, letting my mind wander to the other 80 billion things I think about, ya know, laundry, appts today, Blue's 1st gym meet on Sunday, Xmas, why did I wear this uncomfortable shirt yada yada........Tinker turns to me and says......"Mommy, what will happen if the world dies?" ummmm........ahhhhhhhh.......well Tinker.........Breathe in, Breathe out........My eyes dart over to RosieD coaching gym, looks exhausting but wishing that I was coaching those 20 little gymnasts and spotting their tricks. Well, Tinker, I think if the world was going to die that God and Jesus would come and get us 1st and bring us home to heaven......but I don't think that's going to happen for a longggggg time, and well I think that's a good question for Dada, we'll ask him.
That satisfied her enough for about 2 minutes till the next question came. She put her coloring away, climbed back up on my lap and cuddled up, and said, "Mommy, do you worry about Roo?" There I am thinking to myself.........ummm ahhhhh where in the world does she come up with this stuff and why always when I'm battling back the grief demon. Well, no Tinker, not at all. She's in Heaven, in a perfect body, you don't have to worry about anything there. "Well, Mom I worry about my family."........O.K. now my heart is breaking.....Tinker why is that??? Well, I haven't seen my Grandma in awhile.......she's not in Heaven Tinker Tot and ummm didn't you just see her 2 weeks ago at sissie's bday party???? OHHH Yeah!!! That's right!! I forgot......and ummm isn't she coming over with your other Grandma for Thanksgiving just like they do every year.........OHH YEAH!!! That's right!!!! Tinker laughs, giggles, and does some more of her deep down belly laughing......SILLY ME!!!
Back to coloring she goes. And there I sit thinking boy this is going to be a longgggggg 2 hrs if she keeps this up. 5 mins passes........."Mommy?" Yes, Tinker? "You cry at xmas time." Yes, Tink, yes I do. "Cause you miss Roo?" Yes, especially around Xmas cause her birthday is right around that time too Tinker.
She crawls back up on my lap.......cuddles herself into me some more......lays in my arms like my big baby.........we snuggle.....I watch Blue hit her floor routine in stride......She's looking good for the meet........."Mommy?' Yes, Tinker? We should get Roo a High School Musical Cake this year!!!!! Ok. more cuddles.......I watch Blue pike her vault....that needs a little tweaking before the meet........."Mommy?" Yes, Tinker. Roo is going to be 4 right? Yep. Well, then her cake has to be Blue's Clue's cause 4yrs olds like that better.....not me though cause I'm 5 and I'm a much more big girl.......Yes, Tinker, Yes you are.
I look up gym is done. RosieD comes over exhausted from her work out with the little gymnasts. I'm just as exhausted too though, in a different way. I tell her about the oh so important question Dada must answer for Tinker Tot.......we walk outside get the girlies in the car.......I tell her about Tinker's and my conversation. She listens attentively like always......stands there patiently while the little twerpies are bugging each other in the car........I think she knows my anxiety has started.
We go off on our separate ways. Blue gets in the car and talks and talks and talks on the way home. This girl said that at gym, this girl did this......uh huh, uh huh.......I listen. Breathe in, Breathe out. I will make it through the holidays.....I will make it through Roo's bday, I will make it through the dreadful winter. I will because I HAVE TO, for the girlies, and I will because I CAN. With some tears, moments of happiness captured here and there, watching my girls grow, answering Tinker tot's breath taking questions every now and then. All while remembering, Breathe in, Breathe out..........just breathe..........
F*Lushhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
more updated post coming soon.
Showing posts with label holidays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label holidays. Show all posts
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
She went home....
October 2008
Tinker Tot was just picked up by her Dad. I won't see her again till Weds. We had 5 glorious days together. We got costumes for Halloween, pumpkins, there was gymnastics, smiles, laughter, cuddles.
I spent the last few days cleaning out the basement. My life was literally in shambles after Roo died. I'm still sorting through it all emotionally and in the physical sense. Sometimes, I think I'm OK with letting things that were Roo's go. As I was sorting through boxes I found, her rattle that also used to be Tinker's, her Strawberry Shortcake Jammies, syringes, her chart, stuffed animals, and the only picture that I had of her and Blue Bell on her 1st Halloween that I thought was long lost.
Weds. night I sat at gym watching Blue Bell and Tinker Tot and realized that I had not felt anything with the 18th quickly approaching. Halloween is coming the start of the holidays so to speak and the start of grieving in so many ways through memories. It's just when I think I have a handle on things, I don't. I haven't cried in months and well I just had a total meltdown. Tears are burning my cheeks, my heart is pounding, my head feels like its going to burst. I'm mourning my Roo and the piece of me that died with her.
In real life, there are few people that I talk to about her. Few people, that I feel understand. I get mean when I am hurting so bad inside and I hate that part of myself. I want to change it, I want the hurt to go away, but I know that the waves of grief will continue to hit me unexpectedly like this for the rest of my life. Where I was laughing, enjoying Blue and Tinker just 2 days ago, feeling peace, I should have known it was the calm before the emotional storm. Time does heal wounds in some ways. Roo was a piece of me, is a piece of me, that's missing. True, I'm a better, stronger, person. But, I don't like the part of me that hurts. I don't like the part of me that is selfish for wanting her back when she suffered so much. I don't like that I've had to fight so hard to just have some normalcy in my life.
I know Roo wouldn't want me sitting her crying my eyeballs out, I know she wouldn't want me sitting here with all this pain in my soul, I know she wants me to be Happy. I have been happy, I've been enjoying Blue and Tinker, I've been trying the best I can. Pushing and stuffing the feelings down inside and pretending they don't exist isn't a way of dealing with the grief though, but it's the only way I know how. I don't want Tinker Tot to see me grieving and it always happens that we have her on the 18th, making it so hard for me to hide my pain. As soon as she left tonight, I blew up, and then just sat and cried as Blue and I held each other. Blue said, "Mommy, I would rather see you cry then you be short with me." She also said, "Mommy, if you cry I will hold you till you feel better." That makes me feel so guilty.
When Roo was alive I cried in front of more people then I was comfortable with but never in front of Blue Bell. One of the many reasons I sent Tinker Tot to stay with her Dad was because I didn't want her to have a Mommy who cried everyday. **wiping tear from my cheek**
Blue Bell gave me all reasons why God has chosen this path for us. Her faith is so strong when mine is so weak. She said, "God has chosen this for us. Mommy, I know you hurt so bad, but it's all for a reason....." and then she listed as many as she could think of and yes, they were all good.
Maybe another one right now at this time is for Blue to see my crying. To know, it's OK to cry when you hurt instead of just being angry. That it's OK to feel totally overwhelmed at times with goodness and pain all at once that the only way to express it is through tears.
Halloween is coming. I'm fighting so many battles right now. I'm ripping off the emotional band aid and going through Roo's things. The memories that I was afraid were getting dim from time are clear and brisk in my mind.
Halloween is coming. That night I'll be trick or treating with my girls. I'll be walking house to house seeing everyone's reaction to the girlie's costumes and hear them say trick or treat and thank you. I'll be smiling, remembering, wishing, thanking, hopeful, reminiscent, hurting. I'll be me.....just missing my piece.
F*Lushhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Tinker Tot was just picked up by her Dad. I won't see her again till Weds. We had 5 glorious days together. We got costumes for Halloween, pumpkins, there was gymnastics, smiles, laughter, cuddles.
I spent the last few days cleaning out the basement. My life was literally in shambles after Roo died. I'm still sorting through it all emotionally and in the physical sense. Sometimes, I think I'm OK with letting things that were Roo's go. As I was sorting through boxes I found, her rattle that also used to be Tinker's, her Strawberry Shortcake Jammies, syringes, her chart, stuffed animals, and the only picture that I had of her and Blue Bell on her 1st Halloween that I thought was long lost.
Weds. night I sat at gym watching Blue Bell and Tinker Tot and realized that I had not felt anything with the 18th quickly approaching. Halloween is coming the start of the holidays so to speak and the start of grieving in so many ways through memories. It's just when I think I have a handle on things, I don't. I haven't cried in months and well I just had a total meltdown. Tears are burning my cheeks, my heart is pounding, my head feels like its going to burst. I'm mourning my Roo and the piece of me that died with her.
In real life, there are few people that I talk to about her. Few people, that I feel understand. I get mean when I am hurting so bad inside and I hate that part of myself. I want to change it, I want the hurt to go away, but I know that the waves of grief will continue to hit me unexpectedly like this for the rest of my life. Where I was laughing, enjoying Blue and Tinker just 2 days ago, feeling peace, I should have known it was the calm before the emotional storm. Time does heal wounds in some ways. Roo was a piece of me, is a piece of me, that's missing. True, I'm a better, stronger, person. But, I don't like the part of me that hurts. I don't like the part of me that is selfish for wanting her back when she suffered so much. I don't like that I've had to fight so hard to just have some normalcy in my life.
I know Roo wouldn't want me sitting her crying my eyeballs out, I know she wouldn't want me sitting here with all this pain in my soul, I know she wants me to be Happy. I have been happy, I've been enjoying Blue and Tinker, I've been trying the best I can. Pushing and stuffing the feelings down inside and pretending they don't exist isn't a way of dealing with the grief though, but it's the only way I know how. I don't want Tinker Tot to see me grieving and it always happens that we have her on the 18th, making it so hard for me to hide my pain. As soon as she left tonight, I blew up, and then just sat and cried as Blue and I held each other. Blue said, "Mommy, I would rather see you cry then you be short with me." She also said, "Mommy, if you cry I will hold you till you feel better." That makes me feel so guilty.
When Roo was alive I cried in front of more people then I was comfortable with but never in front of Blue Bell. One of the many reasons I sent Tinker Tot to stay with her Dad was because I didn't want her to have a Mommy who cried everyday. **wiping tear from my cheek**
Blue Bell gave me all reasons why God has chosen this path for us. Her faith is so strong when mine is so weak. She said, "God has chosen this for us. Mommy, I know you hurt so bad, but it's all for a reason....." and then she listed as many as she could think of and yes, they were all good.
Maybe another one right now at this time is for Blue to see my crying. To know, it's OK to cry when you hurt instead of just being angry. That it's OK to feel totally overwhelmed at times with goodness and pain all at once that the only way to express it is through tears.
Halloween is coming. I'm fighting so many battles right now. I'm ripping off the emotional band aid and going through Roo's things. The memories that I was afraid were getting dim from time are clear and brisk in my mind.
Halloween is coming. That night I'll be trick or treating with my girls. I'll be walking house to house seeing everyone's reaction to the girlie's costumes and hear them say trick or treat and thank you. I'll be smiling, remembering, wishing, thanking, hopeful, reminiscent, hurting. I'll be me.....just missing my piece.
F*Lushhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Proceed with Caution....or just ignore me...
Pomgengratetini tonight.......I don't know why I decided to finally start a blog around Roo's 5th birthday with my emotions swirling all around me. I'm starting to feel like a whining blogger type. Oh well. Tonight my anger consumes me. Blue Bell, Tinker Tot, and I put up the Xmas tree. I used to love it. 3 yrs now I hate it. I hate that my Roo is a decoration on my tree rather then being here. I hate the Memory ornaments given to me, the ornaments that hold her picture, the ornaments that she(her pt) made with her teeny tiny little hand prints. I hate them but they also bring me so much peace.
I'm so angry and I don't like it. I hate not knowing what to do with my feelings of missing my sweet Roo. This weekend, Blue, Tinker, and I had a great time filled with laughter and laugh. It's been 3 holiday seasons and I can finally say I'm able to stop in the moments filled with love and laughter and soak them in. Not just pretend. Tinker Tot made arts and crafts out the kazoo this weekend like usual. Rainbows, butterflies, pictures of her horse, written songs, and stories she created with her own imagination. I love watching her draw and write her imagination at work.
Blue Bell loved playing with Tinker this weekend, loving each other up, driving each other crazy, helping me decorate the tree, being angry, happy, smiling, and laughing. I feel so sorry for those around me that are close to me. This is the time of year that takes the most patience. I try to withdraw into myself and concentrate all my energy on Blue and Tinker, but some friends still demand my attention. I warn them. I do. I tell them, My moods are going to be up and down, we can be laughing one moment and the next I'll be screaming in pain. Even though I warn them, they act shocked when it happens. I mean it's not like I'm acting insane just because, it's not like I'm acting angry just because, it's not like I'm taking things out on them because I'm there. Telling them I'm going to be emotional roller coaster and to proceed with caution is nice I think anyways. If they don't want to heed the warning, then don't be m-f shocked when the hammer comes down and I want you out of my house and to go home and leave me ALONE!!! Seriously, When I say I'm isolating for the benefit of others I'm not effing kidding. I guess there are always THOSE people though that think, well I'm different, I can get her to get over it, I can get her to change, I can take that hurt away.......YA OK, Jesus walked on water, but DUDE, HE WAS JESUS!!!
So, I miss Roo. It's been almost 3 yrs....ya ya yadda yadda, it's gotten easier with time. Grief comes in waves, blah blah. Just seriously, it sucks some major a** when her Bday and Xmas are 7 days apart. When I already had issues with the holidays because of my parents. In 2 weeks, I should be back on my feet, my smiley ole self. My friends that are smart, either A. Avoid me at this time, B. avoid me at this time unless I call them, show up at their house, IM, email, whatever, C. reach out to me but know they must listen to my nonsense and rambling and occasional walk down memory lane regarding Roo without saying a word, or D. walk into my space and MY TIME expecting me to be normal, expecting me to give them attention on their lives, expect me not to be an angry moody mess, and then when I realize THEY were expecting me to be ahem "NORMAL", blow the eff up and basically tell them to suck it. Those right now are the options.
One friend decided to walk into the mine field tonight and boy oh boy did that backfire. Shoot, any Sunday night when I have to send Tinker Tot back to her Dad's house is reason for me to NOT BE HAPPY. Blue Bell and I are comfortable enough to understand our hurt and anger on those Sundays. We hang out, talk, cuddle, or avoid each other. She goes to her room, I go to mine. It's an understanding. But someone from the outside, where I have tried to explain this and has witnessed it 1st hand now 2xs and still pushes to be apart of that effing mess......c'mon....give us our space.
I sound like a bitter B*tch. Really, I'm not. I'm hurting, Today is the exDH birthday, yesterday was my2nd Mom's bday, tomorrow is my Mom's bday, Weds. is Roo's Bday, Thurs is her 35 mo angel anniversary, I'm dealing with a teenager, a custody battle, more family drama then I need, oh ya and xmas is right around the corner.
Bitter not really, Angry OH YEAH, wanting to drink more of my martini to make it all hurt a little less........right on that........
F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I'm so angry and I don't like it. I hate not knowing what to do with my feelings of missing my sweet Roo. This weekend, Blue, Tinker, and I had a great time filled with laughter and laugh. It's been 3 holiday seasons and I can finally say I'm able to stop in the moments filled with love and laughter and soak them in. Not just pretend. Tinker Tot made arts and crafts out the kazoo this weekend like usual. Rainbows, butterflies, pictures of her horse, written songs, and stories she created with her own imagination. I love watching her draw and write her imagination at work.
Blue Bell loved playing with Tinker this weekend, loving each other up, driving each other crazy, helping me decorate the tree, being angry, happy, smiling, and laughing. I feel so sorry for those around me that are close to me. This is the time of year that takes the most patience. I try to withdraw into myself and concentrate all my energy on Blue and Tinker, but some friends still demand my attention. I warn them. I do. I tell them, My moods are going to be up and down, we can be laughing one moment and the next I'll be screaming in pain. Even though I warn them, they act shocked when it happens. I mean it's not like I'm acting insane just because, it's not like I'm acting angry just because, it's not like I'm taking things out on them because I'm there. Telling them I'm going to be emotional roller coaster and to proceed with caution is nice I think anyways. If they don't want to heed the warning, then don't be m-f shocked when the hammer comes down and I want you out of my house and to go home and leave me ALONE!!! Seriously, When I say I'm isolating for the benefit of others I'm not effing kidding. I guess there are always THOSE people though that think, well I'm different, I can get her to get over it, I can get her to change, I can take that hurt away.......YA OK, Jesus walked on water, but DUDE, HE WAS JESUS!!!
So, I miss Roo. It's been almost 3 yrs....ya ya yadda yadda, it's gotten easier with time. Grief comes in waves, blah blah. Just seriously, it sucks some major a** when her Bday and Xmas are 7 days apart. When I already had issues with the holidays because of my parents. In 2 weeks, I should be back on my feet, my smiley ole self. My friends that are smart, either A. Avoid me at this time, B. avoid me at this time unless I call them, show up at their house, IM, email, whatever, C. reach out to me but know they must listen to my nonsense and rambling and occasional walk down memory lane regarding Roo without saying a word, or D. walk into my space and MY TIME expecting me to be normal, expecting me to give them attention on their lives, expect me not to be an angry moody mess, and then when I realize THEY were expecting me to be ahem "NORMAL", blow the eff up and basically tell them to suck it. Those right now are the options.
One friend decided to walk into the mine field tonight and boy oh boy did that backfire. Shoot, any Sunday night when I have to send Tinker Tot back to her Dad's house is reason for me to NOT BE HAPPY. Blue Bell and I are comfortable enough to understand our hurt and anger on those Sundays. We hang out, talk, cuddle, or avoid each other. She goes to her room, I go to mine. It's an understanding. But someone from the outside, where I have tried to explain this and has witnessed it 1st hand now 2xs and still pushes to be apart of that effing mess......c'mon....give us our space.
I sound like a bitter B*tch. Really, I'm not. I'm hurting, Today is the exDH birthday, yesterday was my2nd Mom's bday, tomorrow is my Mom's bday, Weds. is Roo's Bday, Thurs is her 35 mo angel anniversary, I'm dealing with a teenager, a custody battle, more family drama then I need, oh ya and xmas is right around the corner.
Bitter not really, Angry OH YEAH, wanting to drink more of my martini to make it all hurt a little less........right on that........
F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Comfort?
Blue Bell has been sick for days now. She's my healthy child. The one that rarely gets sick, that never complains when she is sick, and answers my endless questions of, "How do you feel?" I've been searching for comfort these past few weeks. I've been trying to accept the advice of, "You have 2 children that need you, you MUST move on and, be there for them." Well, unless you have walked in my shoes, some of you have I'm sure, moving on isn't an option, even when you wish is was.
I've been trying to find comfort in Blue Bell's and Tinker Tot's laughter and smiles. I've been trying to relish the delight of being a parent to a tween Blue Bell. I've been holding onto Tinker Tot's innoncence and cuddling her at night as if she was still 6 months old. No matter how hard I try, there is no comfort. So now, I face the inevitable. The pain, grief, and reality, that Roo is gone. That although, I live everyday for Blue and Tinker, that I live for their smiles and laughter, I live to fight to make their childhood magical, Roo is gone.
Roo is going to be 5. I imagine what it would be like to still be driving my mini-van, yelling at all three of them, "Mommy's driving and it's snowing, BE GOOD!" I imagine what her sisterhood would be like with Blue and Tinker. I can imagine, wish, what if, all I want. She's not here. What is here???? A very angry Blue Bell, a very thoughtful lovely Tinker Tot that doesn't understand her sister's anger. Tinker Tot is only 6...3yrs old when Roo left this earth. She doesn't understand how Blue Bell is angry at her for not being Roo. I get it, I do. I wonder though...How long we we live hurting and therefore being angry? They are just beginning their lives......mine has been full of disappointment. I'm still young, I still have dreams, I'm close to fulfilling my dreams. They are just beginning to dream.
There is hope all around us. Just as there was when Roo was dying. There is anger, just as there was when Roo was dying. There is the feeling of loss.....Tinker Tot doesn't spend enough time here with us. I sent her to live with her Dad to spare her of the ugly memories of Roo's last days. Blue and I feel the loss twofold. I'm fighting now, to have Tinker Tot week on week off.
Blue Bell is 10, wise beyond her years, so smart, so beautiful, so loving, so angry. Tinker Tot is 6, innocent, trusting, believing, loving. Roo is 5, forever 2yrs, and I wonder if she is 5 yrs old in Heaven, or forever 2yrs old. We all miss her in our own way. We all hurt for her. Everyday, I get up with a smile on my face. Thankful, for the blessings I do have. I easily get angry at those that don't recognize how easy their lives are, or bitch over stupid petty crap. Still, I smile, I listen to those petty complaints, I try my hardest to be the best Mom I can. Still fighting, to get Blue's innocence back, to get Tinker's time back with us, and to live without forgetting our Roo.
******FLUSSH*********
I've been trying to find comfort in Blue Bell's and Tinker Tot's laughter and smiles. I've been trying to relish the delight of being a parent to a tween Blue Bell. I've been holding onto Tinker Tot's innoncence and cuddling her at night as if she was still 6 months old. No matter how hard I try, there is no comfort. So now, I face the inevitable. The pain, grief, and reality, that Roo is gone. That although, I live everyday for Blue and Tinker, that I live for their smiles and laughter, I live to fight to make their childhood magical, Roo is gone.
Roo is going to be 5. I imagine what it would be like to still be driving my mini-van, yelling at all three of them, "Mommy's driving and it's snowing, BE GOOD!" I imagine what her sisterhood would be like with Blue and Tinker. I can imagine, wish, what if, all I want. She's not here. What is here???? A very angry Blue Bell, a very thoughtful lovely Tinker Tot that doesn't understand her sister's anger. Tinker Tot is only 6...3yrs old when Roo left this earth. She doesn't understand how Blue Bell is angry at her for not being Roo. I get it, I do. I wonder though...How long we we live hurting and therefore being angry? They are just beginning their lives......mine has been full of disappointment. I'm still young, I still have dreams, I'm close to fulfilling my dreams. They are just beginning to dream.
There is hope all around us. Just as there was when Roo was dying. There is anger, just as there was when Roo was dying. There is the feeling of loss.....Tinker Tot doesn't spend enough time here with us. I sent her to live with her Dad to spare her of the ugly memories of Roo's last days. Blue and I feel the loss twofold. I'm fighting now, to have Tinker Tot week on week off.
Blue Bell is 10, wise beyond her years, so smart, so beautiful, so loving, so angry. Tinker Tot is 6, innocent, trusting, believing, loving. Roo is 5, forever 2yrs, and I wonder if she is 5 yrs old in Heaven, or forever 2yrs old. We all miss her in our own way. We all hurt for her. Everyday, I get up with a smile on my face. Thankful, for the blessings I do have. I easily get angry at those that don't recognize how easy their lives are, or bitch over stupid petty crap. Still, I smile, I listen to those petty complaints, I try my hardest to be the best Mom I can. Still fighting, to get Blue's innocence back, to get Tinker's time back with us, and to live without forgetting our Roo.
******FLUSSH*********
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
