Monday, January 5, 2009

She went home....

October 2008

Tinker Tot was just picked up by her Dad. I won't see her again till Weds. We had 5 glorious days together. We got costumes for Halloween, pumpkins, there was gymnastics, smiles, laughter, cuddles.
I spent the last few days cleaning out the basement. My life was literally in shambles after Roo died. I'm still sorting through it all emotionally and in the physical sense. Sometimes, I think I'm OK with letting things that were Roo's go. As I was sorting through boxes I found, her rattle that also used to be Tinker's, her Strawberry Shortcake Jammies, syringes, her chart, stuffed animals, and the only picture that I had of her and Blue Bell on her 1st Halloween that I thought was long lost.
Weds. night I sat at gym watching Blue Bell and Tinker Tot and realized that I had not felt anything with the 18th quickly approaching. Halloween is coming the start of the holidays so to speak and the start of grieving in so many ways through memories. It's just when I think I have a handle on things, I don't. I haven't cried in months and well I just had a total meltdown. Tears are burning my cheeks, my heart is pounding, my head feels like its going to burst. I'm mourning my Roo and the piece of me that died with her.
In real life, there are few people that I talk to about her. Few people, that I feel understand. I get mean when I am hurting so bad inside and I hate that part of myself. I want to change it, I want the hurt to go away, but I know that the waves of grief will continue to hit me unexpectedly like this for the rest of my life. Where I was laughing, enjoying Blue and Tinker just 2 days ago, feeling peace, I should have known it was the calm before the emotional storm. Time does heal wounds in some ways. Roo was a piece of me, is a piece of me, that's missing. True, I'm a better, stronger, person. But, I don't like the part of me that hurts. I don't like the part of me that is selfish for wanting her back when she suffered so much. I don't like that I've had to fight so hard to just have some normalcy in my life.
I know Roo wouldn't want me sitting her crying my eyeballs out, I know she wouldn't want me sitting here with all this pain in my soul, I know she wants me to be Happy. I have been happy, I've been enjoying Blue and Tinker, I've been trying the best I can. Pushing and stuffing the feelings down inside and pretending they don't exist isn't a way of dealing with the grief though, but it's the only way I know how. I don't want Tinker Tot to see me grieving and it always happens that we have her on the 18th, making it so hard for me to hide my pain. As soon as she left tonight, I blew up, and then just sat and cried as Blue and I held each other. Blue said, "Mommy, I would rather see you cry then you be short with me." She also said, "Mommy, if you cry I will hold you till you feel better." That makes me feel so guilty.
When Roo was alive I cried in front of more people then I was comfortable with but never in front of Blue Bell. One of the many reasons I sent Tinker Tot to stay with her Dad was because I didn't want her to have a Mommy who cried everyday. **wiping tear from my cheek**
Blue Bell gave me all reasons why God has chosen this path for us. Her faith is so strong when mine is so weak. She said, "God has chosen this for us. Mommy, I know you hurt so bad, but it's all for a reason....." and then she listed as many as she could think of and yes, they were all good.
Maybe another one right now at this time is for Blue to see my crying. To know, it's OK to cry when you hurt instead of just being angry. That it's OK to feel totally overwhelmed at times with goodness and pain all at once that the only way to express it is through tears.
Halloween is coming. I'm fighting so many battles right now. I'm ripping off the emotional band aid and going through Roo's things. The memories that I was afraid were getting dim from time are clear and brisk in my mind.
Halloween is coming. That night I'll be trick or treating with my girls. I'll be walking house to house seeing everyone's reaction to the girlie's costumes and hear them say trick or treat and thank you. I'll be smiling, remembering, wishing, thanking, hopeful, reminiscent, hurting. I'll be me.....just missing my piece.

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