Thursday, December 11, 2008


Blue Bell has been sick for days now. She's my healthy child. The one that rarely gets sick, that never complains when she is sick, and answers my endless questions of, "How do you feel?" I've been searching for comfort these past few weeks. I've been trying to accept the advice of, "You have 2 children that need you, you MUST move on and, be there for them." Well, unless you have walked in my shoes, some of you have I'm sure, moving on isn't an option, even when you wish is was.

I've been trying to find comfort in Blue Bell's and Tinker Tot's laughter and smiles. I've been trying to relish the delight of being a parent to a tween Blue Bell. I've been holding onto Tinker Tot's innoncence and cuddling her at night as if she was still 6 months old. No matter how hard I try, there is no comfort. So now, I face the inevitable. The pain, grief, and reality, that Roo is gone. That although, I live everyday for Blue and Tinker, that I live for their smiles and laughter, I live to fight to make their childhood magical, Roo is gone.

Roo is going to be 5. I imagine what it would be like to still be driving my mini-van, yelling at all three of them, "Mommy's driving and it's snowing, BE GOOD!" I imagine what her sisterhood would be like with Blue and Tinker. I can imagine, wish, what if, all I want. She's not here. What is here???? A very angry Blue Bell, a very thoughtful lovely Tinker Tot that doesn't understand her sister's anger. Tinker Tot is only 6...3yrs old when Roo left this earth. She doesn't understand how Blue Bell is angry at her for not being Roo. I get it, I do. I wonder though...How long we we live hurting and therefore being angry? They are just beginning their lives......mine has been full of disappointment. I'm still young, I still have dreams, I'm close to fulfilling my dreams. They are just beginning to dream.

There is hope all around us. Just as there was when Roo was dying. There is anger, just as there was when Roo was dying. There is the feeling of loss.....Tinker Tot doesn't spend enough time here with us. I sent her to live with her Dad to spare her of the ugly memories of Roo's last days. Blue and I feel the loss twofold. I'm fighting now, to have Tinker Tot week on week off.

Blue Bell is 10, wise beyond her years, so smart, so beautiful, so loving, so angry. Tinker Tot is 6, innocent, trusting, believing, loving. Roo is 5, forever 2yrs, and I wonder if she is 5 yrs old in Heaven, or forever 2yrs old. We all miss her in our own way. We all hurt for her. Everyday, I get up with a smile on my face. Thankful, for the blessings I do have. I easily get angry at those that don't recognize how easy their lives are, or bitch over stupid petty crap. Still, I smile, I listen to those petty complaints, I try my hardest to be the best Mom I can. Still fighting, to get Blue's innocence back, to get Tinker's time back with us, and to live without forgetting our Roo.


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