Saturday, December 27, 2008


So it's a beautiful day here in Ohio finally! And I spent my day inside trying to push out all the sadness that fills my heart. I can hear other people and what they would be saying to me right now..........She would want you to be happy, she's in a better place, she's no longer suffering. I think of where my life is right now, where's it's been this past year, which only few of you know the true depths I have had to overcome and climb out of. I think to myself I should be OK with Roo being in Heaven, I hear other people say, she talks about it to much, she should just let go, I've had people walk away from me because of my grief, my pain, my ever present sadness.
Really, I want to be happy. There are so many things to be happy about. The sun shining, no clouds in the sky, the warmth of the sun and the air, my 2 precious babies Blue Bell and Tinker Tot, having a beautiful home to live in, having many simple life things that last year I had to fight so hard to get and hold on too. It's true, my life is in a better place but not my heart. I've always believed in the power of forgiveness, forgiving those that chose to take advantage of me and hurt me, but I am filled with anger. I am filled with panic. Panic like I had right after Roo died. What do I do now??? I am trying to hard to build myself a life, I am trying so hard to reach out and meet new people, and well I suck at it. Sorry to all of you who I have broken dates on, who I have promised to call and not called, to those of you that have called me and I haven't called back.
My Dad always used to tell me, F*lush, ya gotta dig deep sometimes, really deep down within your soul, and pull yourself up. Well, I'm trying so very, very HARD. I still believe strongly in the signs that Roo gives me. The little or not so little coincidences. How about this........Yesterday I was at my doc's office to pick up samples of a medicine Roo used to be on. I was talking to the nurse and I was talking about Roo. Yes, I love talking to strangers about Roo, I will only be in their life for a moment and them in mine and I still feel the need to spread the joy and pain of my little girls life, anyways, so this nurse she asks me did you used to live (blank)......and I'm like yeah why?? She used to be one of Roo's first visiting nurses. Now what are the odds of that??? T I'm going on one of Roo's meds and the nurse giving it to me and explaining all the lovely side effects is someone that used to come to my home and take care of my baby. I could see the look of devastation on her face when I told her she had passed. She told me of the everlasting impact that Roo left on her life...........and yet again.........I felt some peace in knowing that my Roo has touched so many.
PANIC!!! Where is she?? She's all around me in just the right ways she should be. She's dancing, laughing, running, jumping, chasing those butterflies in Heaven. My heart hurts, yes more painful then any other experience in my life, and yet I go on. I try to live............I try to will myself to do the basic things in life that need to be done and keep my eye on my focus........providing Blue and Tinker with a wonderful childhood.
So many emotions, so much pain, so much joy, peace and unrest. None of this is fair, but God chose me, and here I am..............sitting at my computer.......the sunlight peeking through the blinds..........a tear streams down my face...........and I hear the words DIG DEEP... DIG DEEP..............time to get Blue Bell and go to gymnastics, sit and talk with the other gym Mom's about this and that.... yes life does go on.....................


P.S. I promise that I have some recent things to share that I have written...but I feel like my blog wouldn't be complete without sharing all of the past.

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