Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Growing Up.

Growing up I did have some normalcy and consistency in my life until I was about 8 yrs old. For about 8yrs I had the all-American family. Dad worked, Mom stayed at home with me and my sisters, I played outside in the snow, rode my bike all over town. We had dinner as a family every night where my sisters had to wait for me to stop talking so they could tell Mom and Dad about their day. We had a black lab named Duchess who was our best friend. My parents breeded her with a yellow lab and she had about 4 sets of puppies. The puppies helped pay for our family vacation down to Florida every year to visit my grandparents, go to Disney, Busch Gardens, Adventure Island, oh, and to leave me down there for the rest of the summer to torture my grandparents instead of my Mother. We also had a beach house on Long Beach Island at the end of every summer and spent countless hours on the beach swimming and playing.
My parents had me involved in EVERY SPORT you could possibly think of. I've done it all. I was even on a canoe team where I participated in 10 mile regattas and did white-water canoeing. My childhood was FULL. I was able to experience and do SO much. Even after the craziness of my parents divorce, I was exposed to different things, so many, that most people don't even experience in one lifetime.
I've been able to provide all of this for Blue Bell and Tinker Tot even more so now since

Roo flew to Heaven. Blue Bell has her gymnastics, Tinker Tot has her gymnastics, soccer, and her horse. We have family dinners, we talk about their day, we swim in the summer, we do arts and crafts, this past summer Blue Bell and I were able to go on vacation, she went to sleep away camp. This summer, hopefully, we will go on vacation to thatstinkingstate and my home state. I've been thinking about my extended family A LOT over the past few days. Especially, since my Mom called me on Sat. right before Blue's gymnastics meet to tell me about my cousins, Uncles, and Aunts. It got me to thinking about the part of my childhood that involved family time spent together at holidays, birthdays, and growing up surrounded by so much love.
I have SO MANY cousins and just as many crazy silly Aunts and Uncles. The holidays and birthdays that I spent with them all together are a HUGE PART of happy memories of my childhood. The silly antics we used to do to each other. Begging and pleading with our Moms to let us have a sleepover after the party. Playing pool, ping pong, and darts in the basement. Even as we all got older, graduated from high school, college, we still always got together for holidays, birthdays, and celebrations.
I cherish that part of my childhood so much. I've tried to provide the same experience for Blue and Tinker as best as I can. Tinker Tot is lucky because her Step-Mommy aka. RosieD has tons of family and she has tons of cousins, Aunts, and Uncles. She has what I had growing up and I feel so blessed for her because I know so many good memories are being made.
Blue, well my heart breaks for my girl. My Mom has 8 granddaughters, 6 on earth, 2 in Heaven, and Blue Bell by far is her FAVORITE LOL. She was there when I gave birth to Blue, the 1st one to hold her, and I think that was the one and only time I ever saw my Mother cry tears of joy. Niee, as we call her, spoils Blue as much as she can. She feels bonded to her and I think she feels alot of guilt too because Blue has no family here in Ohio. My Mom is well ummm, different and unique, and her best way of showing affection is through material things. Blue is old enough to recognize this now, and while she loves being spoiled, I also know she longs for that affectionate Grandma. Just as I long for her to be an affectionate and supportive Mother. But it is what it is, and that is better then NO FAMILY AT ALL.
This year when RosieD's sister became Blue's teacher at school, I questioned God as to why he would provide such a situation. She's also her gymnastics coach and well that's a lot of time spent with Tinker Tot's Aunt, not Blue Bell's , Tinker's . Then, I began helping out at school. There is an hr between when Tinker tot gets out of school and when Blue gets out and I started spending time in Blue Bell's classroom in-between helping Aunt T. with this and that.
Before the holidays, I started coming in during the day at school to keep myself busy and my thoughts off the impending holiday gloominess and pain that Roo boo boo is no longer here. My self-confidence started to come back, Blue was happy to see Mommy HAPPY, I started moving forward and therefore Blue started moving forward also.
I never intended to become friends with Aunt T. Although, I had known her for 4 yrs, we weren't ever close. I thought she was just another person in my life because of Blue. She has children close in age to Blue. She became someone that Blue and I could look up to, rely on, trust, and talk to. We started to love her and her children.
Blue longs for family. She looks at my pictures from when I was little and sees how much family I had/have, how many cousins at my birthday parties, at our family bbq's and what not. I think her desire for so much is exacerbated by the loss of our precious Roo. She calls Tinker Tot's step-sister and oldest half sister her sissies also. She wants to feel included, she wants to feel apart of something.
I didn't choose to move back to Ohio. God chose that for me. When God gave me Roo, He obviously had a plan in mind, and when I think I've got it all figured out some obstacle gets thrown in my way. Now, if you know me, I can deal with obstacles, but when they are affecting my Blue Bell, well it makes me a little crazy.
Bue has been fortunate enough to meet my sister's daughters. I'm not getting into specifics here but I haven't seen my oldest niece since she was 6, I've never met my other 2 nieces. I talk to both my girls about their Aunts, my sisters, I try to give Blue sense of family even though they are far away and my sisters and I are estranged. It's a delicate balance. It's complicated.
RosieD is NOT HAPPY with Blue and I being close with Aunt T. It's all come to head recently. What I don't understand is that if she saw the bond being formed between all of us then why not speak up sooner? Before the bond was there, and Blue got attached to T. She's jealous. I understand her point of view, really I do. But, this isn't a usual situation to begin with. I totally believe that God brought RosieD into our lives and T. for a reason. They are part of the plan he has for ALL OF US.
Blue Bell wants to belong so badly. She wants family so badly. She is looking to help heal that gaping hole left in her soul when Roo went to Heaven. I want to help her, I want to be able to provide that for her as I had when I was younger and as Tinker has now. But I can't. Because Egos and Jealousy is getting in the way. Sins of the devil whispering in your ear and listening to the darker side. We aren't perfect people. But I want Blue to have as much love as she deserves.
Can you tell my thoughts are all over? My heart is broken. Blue Bell's behavior is all OFF again just after having got it BACK ON TRACK. There's nothing like having to worry about your sister and watching her die and then not knowing what's going on with your Mommy and watching her get sick again. She doesn't know what's going on, She knows that RosieD and I aren't seeing eye to eye on things, that nice balance we had, it's GONE. And, how do I fix it now so that my Blue isn't HURT AGAIN? I have no idea.
Life should not be this complicated. It should be easy. Blue Bell in all her shininess and brightness and BIG HUGE HEART deserves acceptance and happiness. But, as the saying goes blood is thicker then water. Right now though, my Blue Bell is jealous of her sister for having so much that she does not, right now she's so angry, right now she's hurting, and all I can do is continue to pray for healing, for guidance, and for God to reveal exactly what HIS PLAN for this particular situation in our lives is.
In the end, no matter where the cards fall, at least the Blue still has her Mommy aka Mumzy aka "Mommy!! you are so ANNOYING!!!" There's nothing me and that kid can't get through together. And hey, at least she's learned one thing over the past few her words, "Mommy, you know how I get all controlling and what not when Tinker wants to play my DS and I tell her you can't do this our that, you can only play this game, you can't go on this part of the game and stuff?" Me, "Yes, Blue and it drives me nuts!" "Well, Mommy, I'm not going to do that anymore cause that's just stupid oh and CONTROLLING!" Me, "oh, yeah, and how did you finally understand that?" "Well, I"m not fighting over stupid stuff with her anymore and telling her what she can and can't do, but, and this is a big BUT, she's still annoying!" "well, OK, then" At least the Blue has learned something LOL.
She's 9 yrs old and more insightful then most adults I know. Compassionate, forgiving, loving, helpful, giving, all the good parts of me. I know I'm doing something right with that girl of mine. And, it can't replace all she doesn't have or has lost. But, at least she's still insightful enough to hold onto all the good stuff. And in the end, the good stuff we have, her and me together, her and me the FAMILY WE ARE, is the most important thing. No matter what, we have each other. Because, blood is thicker then water, and Blue Bell and I will never lose that!

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