Mind.Is.Gone

Thursday, February 24, 2005
Well,l I think I have officially lost my mind. We went to the hospital today and had Roo's stomach emptying test done. Then we met with the seizure neuro and metabolic neuro. We talked with them both for 2hrs. It was probably the hardest doctors appt for Roo EVER. 1st, her seizures are out of control so we are going to try Topomax and see how that works. We are going to d/c the neurotin and keep the trileptal the same. We have another video EEG scheduled for the end of March but the Doctor wants to get her in asap. OK so here goes....I ask why her seizures seem to be increasing and are getting longer. I finally got the results of her MRI that was done last month and it wasn't good. She has cerebral atrophy not just in one part of her brain but, ALL, yes, ALL of her brain. It is small and shrinking and to quote the doc......."globally demylenating." Lovely........how is it that I know that she is so sick and all of this is so bad but when I hear the doc finally say the words it feels like 10,000 18 wheeler trucks flattened me that many times. Blah Blah. So there was more discussion about her brain and how the brain works and how hers isn't working. I can't remember specific details cause its 3:30 am and I CAN'T SLEEP. So, the nicest sweetest doctor, the metabolic doctor, comes in and talks with us. He wanted to know where I stood on what measures that should be taken for Roo. I told him that I wanted her DNR, I never want a trach for her, and that my main and only concern is making her comfortable. The doctor told me he was very proud of me because he could tell that I have put much thought into all my decisions and told me I was strong. HA HA! got him fooled too. We discussed once again not being able to find a diagnosis for Roo and maybe doing an autopsy I told him I have to think about that one. We talked about how Roo is having more and more days of not being there and he told me yet again that the disease is progressing. I asked him how fast and he said pretty quickly.....giving us a window of less then 1yr to 2yr at the most. But miracles always happen right! I'm just so afraid of losing my Roo. Poor Roo. She can't do much now and if she progresses to the point that she doesn't smile, , laugh or anything what is left really......I am such a mess I am having such a bad, bad, bad day. The hurt inside is more pain then I have ever felt in my life. I used to be able to just give her 2 meds put her to bed and that was it. Her bedtime routine since she got pneumonia is crazy. I draw up all the meds, neurotin, which we are going to slowly wean her off of, trileptal, pepcid, dissolve the roblin in a syringe , tylenol cause the poor buglette is teething something fierce. Then, it's giving her all the meds through her mickey button, then suction the nose, suction the mouth, give breathing treatment, then chest pt and half the time she actually sounds OK for maybe 20 min. Usually, you can hear her breathing clear across the house. Everything is just too much right now. I am so afraid of going to bed because everyday just gets worse and worse. I say, "OK, I'll take it all one thing at a time." I get over one obstacle then there's another and another and another. Yes , I know that's life, but I need a little break. I think my ex and his wife are upset with me because I didn't have Tinker Tot over today but I just couldn't. I had to go to the hospital for Roo, see Blue Bel,l and I'm just worn out.


So many emotions I can't even type them all. All I can say, is that I am just a total complete mess but I'm doing everything I can for these 2 special girls of mine. I love them both so much and they love each other both so much.................Why does there have to be so much pain???????? I am angry today. Angry like I never have been before. I can't kiss my girls boo's boo's and make them all better. It's killing me inside ripping my heart in 2. I have to re find that positive part of myself. I am most definitely doom and gloom. I am going to look into setting up Roo's funeral arraignments. It sounds morbid and even if she doesn't go until 4 yrs from now, I still want to have it all figured out because I don't wanna do it when I'm a total wreck. HOPE I STILL BELIEVE.





F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH