Thursday, December 11, 2008

I'm alone

I'm drinking. My dearest just left to pick up Blue Bell from her Aunt's. Tinker Tot's Dad picked her up an hr ago. I'm alone. I'm drinking. I didn't drink the 1st year after Roo was gone. I went through all the 1sts sober. Then, I started making friends with my neighbors. SAHMs who drank during the summer. The summer became the fall and yet I still drank. Blue Bell got angry and then more angry. After she went to bed, I would sit down at the computer, read blogs and have a drink. It took the edge off and I slept better.

This is the 3rd holiday season without Roo. I'm still drinking except now I've moved on from beer and wine coolers to martinis. It doesn't really make a difference. I still want to cry, I still hurt, and I'm still angry. When Blue Bell is raging, She was dx ADHD and ODD before Roo was even born.

My dearest just called and he got mixed up where he was supposed to pick Blue Bell up. My friend just called asking where my dearest was. Now, I'm frazzled. When Roo was here, I had so many different ways I used to comfort her, myself, Blue Bell, and Tinker Tot. I haven't been able to find any to comfort myself since. Well, except for drinking. Blue Bell has lots of activities she loves and that keep her and myself busy. Tinker Tot also has gotten involved in lots of activities with me and her Dad. But, I haven't done anything as a hobby or to comfort myself. Which right now is my biggest mistake.

My energy has been going FULL THROTTLE into Blue and Tinker. As it should. I wonder though.....When Roo was here, and her time was so limited, how do I find the time to do the things for myself that I found comfort in? Because her nurses and hospice basically forced me too. Now there is no one here, telling me to take a time out. My dearest, bless his heart, never knew Roo, or what life was like day in and out parenting all 3 of my blessings.

Right now, I realize that things are off balance. Blue Bell is off balance and I know that means I'm off balance. Yet, I sit here by myself, and drink. Hoping not to feel anymore. Hoping not to feel tired, depleted, empty, hopeless, worthless, fighting a fight I can't win. Being a lush doesn't make any of those feelings go away. I am a good Mom. I fought a good fight for Roo. Just as I am now for Blue Bell and Tinker Tot in the ways they need me. But I have to be honest and admit, telling the dearest I couldn't drive to pick up Blue tonight because I had a drink, relief. Telling the dearest he has to call my friend and deal with the pick up details, relief. Sitting here typing, letting it all out, relief. Sitting here in the quiet of my house, nobody calling, "Mommy!!!!!!" Nobody asking me right after the girls find something to play with and stay quiet for more then 6.5mins "Do you think I should do this or that to my truck?" RELIEF. Actually having a quiet minute to reflect upon Roo's life and remember her soft little cheek next to mine as the tears roll down.......Relief..........This Blog......Refreshing..........only because I can......


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