Friday, December 26, 2008

I'm so ANGRY right now. Not because Christmas was horrible. Not because my Aunt that i haven't spoken to in years called me. Not because My sister, who I haven't spoken to since Roo's funeral called me. Nope, none of those things. It's because I'm Tired. T.I.R.E.D. After 3 yrs, one would think that those around me would understand, that the holidays require so much effort and energy on my end, and not take that for themselves. Seriously, who does that??? Oh wait, I can name a few.

I want to bury myself, I want to sleep forever, I want to tell my sister off for wasting 2hrs of my time yesterday complaining about her most recent boyfriend that broke up with her. I want to scream at my Mother for being manipulated by my older sister.

Want to know what set me off, initially? Tinker has ringworm, which she caught from her step-sister, that has had it for 2 months. That my ex-idiot wasn't going to tell me about but decided it might be a good idea after he heard our daughter tell me over the phone and the tone of my pre-freak out voice. I've had MRSA, Mito, anemia, mono, strep that almost killed me, fill in the blank...I've never heard of that blah blah. Yep, that's me. So ya, I freaked. And then freaked some more when Tinker Tot's ear tube started draining and the ringworm multiplied on her body, even though I started treating it just as the ped instructed, ya I FREAKED.

I FREAKED, in my usual way though, on the inside and not the outside. No one around me could tell I was silently praying to God and Roo that this ringworm wasn't real, that I wouldn't get it, that it wouldn't multiply on Tinker. Ever time Tinker is with me, we cuddle, we sleep together and we love on each other. And, I was so looking forward to that because, she's the most loving little 6 yr old ever. She can tell when I' m about to cry before anyone else. She woke up a booger this morning all over her face and hair, draining ear, more ringworm, and my heart just broke. Ya, I'm a wimp. I was never this way before....but now I am.

I want to hide, I want to hope and pray that I don't get it and don't end up sick or with my MRSA or Mito aggravated. And I wish and I hope, that this X-mas I could have held my Tinker Tot close to me and cuddly boopered with her, kisses, and huggies, without being a paranoid freak.

Really, it was a good X-Mas. But, I'm tired of life just giving us that one little thing that just throws me over the edge and makes me want to drink an appletini to write this blubbering crap so I can............


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