Monday, January 12, 2009

My body always remembers......

My body always remembers no matter how hard I try to keep busy. No matter how hard I try to block out the date. It's there. The 18th. Looming every month as another month gone by since I held my baby. Since I've seen her laugh and smile. Since I've held her curled up in my arms, next to me, rubbing her little hand, and laying cheek to cheek. Sleeping with her in my arms, holding her forehead so that she could rest without the constant movement from her involuntary moments.
My heart is aching. It's so weird to live life, be happy, live normally, get up day after day, get dressed, smile and laugh and make new memories with the girlies, and then wake up one day and feel like all my emotional progress has just been wiped away, but so goes the journey of grief.
I'm finally better from this last round of illness I battled for 3 weeks. More tests on Thurs and possibly a muscle biopsy. It was hard and daunting but I must say that now when I get sick, I don't get depressed. It is a fact of my life. I learned from Roo that I can get through anything. When I'm so struck down physically, I draw from Roo's strength, her spirit, she always fought so hard. I know that no matter what ickie weird infection that may strike me down I will always bounce right back up. Takes time, but I do.
When Roo was alive I always felt if I had enough will for her to live she would. I would guess most mothers would feel the same in that situation. We have to, in order to survive the pain, in order to get by each and everyday of watching lose a little piece of our children, to a horrible disease. I've learned to take that strong emotion, that strong emotional will, and apply it to myself now when I get sick. It is true what they say, if you think good things, they will happen.
On a lighter note, because yes, life has been bright, shiny, and happy lately!!!! Blue
Bell got straight A's again and Tinker Tot is closer to being home full time!!! Oh, my girlies are growing up!! I have a busy day lying ahead of me and needed to get my grief feelings out, to start my day. So, I guess this is a selfish blog, it's just for me, because in my real life, I can't walk around today saying, ohhhh how my heart just hurts today, ohhh Roo is on my mind with every breath I take, with every beat of my heart, with every thought passing through my mind.

Honestly, this past week, I've been shiny and upbeat, feeling SO MUCH BETTER PHYSICALLY PRAISE GOD!!! and living in the moment. Following the new journey that God has placed before me, cherishing, and loving every moment of it. What I do with my days, lifts my spirit, and helps me to be able to give back into the world. Helps the girlies to see their Mommy in a new light, in a different way, and the positive impact far outweighs anything else.
I have had peace and healing come into my heart. The positive in my life, the steps forward I am making are truly remarkable. The way I view the world through my eyes is forever changed because of my Roo. I see so much goodness, I see the potential in every child that is close to me, I can see past so much to see the goodness, something I wasn't ever able to do before. Isn't it amazing how one little tiny girl change so much in so short a time?????
No matter how hard I try to forget she is no longer here. No matter how hard I try to forget the pain, no matter how hard I strive to maintain the positive and goodness I am surrounded by, my body never forgets. It hurts, it stings, but also where I am now, I take a moment feel it, refocus, stand back up tall, take a breath wipe away my tears, and know that my baby is shining down on me, through me, through her sissies, proud of us all, and saying GO MOMMY GO!!! Grab your dreams, grab your ambition, grab that happiness that lies right there before you, and I do. I'm holding on to it tightly, this journey God has placed before me, to help me to heal, and at the same time help others by reaching out through love.
No matter how hard I try to forget, what I do with my days, everyday, is the same thing I did for my Roo when she was alive here on earth. It's positive, it's giving, it's providing that strong sense of will to others, it's adding goodness to the world. it's emotional, it's giving, it's draining, BUT IT GIVES BACK SO MUCH MORE. Fills my spirit, fills my emotional emptiness, fills my heart.
Let the day begin, no more tears, there is much work to be done. I'll be smiling today, breathing, enjoying my healthy body (for the moment) and watch little miracles happen.
No matter how hard I try to forget, my body always remembers, and my spirit gets stronger as I feel God and Roo give me the will to reach my goals and dreams.
How wonderfully blessed am I??? I can't even put it into words. I miss Roo, I miss Tinker(she's at the ex-idiots), Blue is finally sleeping........I'm sitting here bracing myself for the 18th......This month...the 18th...I'll be sitting at Blue's gym meet, cheering her on, holding my breath as she begins each routine...thinking how things have come full circle. Blue started back at gym the day we buried Roo, now, she's a star gymnast, shining and beaming, reaching the podium, her room filled with medals and trophies. A young girl that works so hard, loves what she can do, and has a greater understanding on what a gift it is to be able to flip, fly, and twirl. All the while, knowing our Roo, is smiling down, watching us, watching me beam with pride, my heart swell with joy, as Blue continues to succeed and impress everyone with her will and's no wonder those 2 had a bond like no other............2 born into a broken body with a huge spirit...and one that is finally able to do what she memory of her word that sums up my life....BITTERSWEET. F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH mango martini.

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