Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Breathe in, Breathe out..........that is my mantra lately. Life has been rolling along smoothly with a few bumps here and there. It seems as though the holidays, fall, winter, Roo boo boo's 4Th birthday all have snuck up on me FAST. Most likely because I've been so busy with the girlies to even catch my breath or have any longer then 10 mins at a time to really think about things.....or maybe just because I haven't let my mind drift there.....Just Yet.....till last night.
Last night the anxiety hit FULL FORCE. I mean straight on hit the wall going 100mph. It's not like I haven't been here before. 3yrs ago I was celebrating Thanksgiving with Tinker Tot 1200 miles away, Blue Bell with a not so present Mooma, Mumzie, or Moulia as she likes to call me (don't know where she learned to come up with nicknames like that LOL), and Roo recovering from her 1st long term hospitalization from the yucky RSV and proving to ALL of us that there was a ton of fight in her spirit against the broken body she was born into. 2 yrs ago, celebrating Thanksgiving, knowing it was going to be Roo's last as she had taken a turn for the worst, and trying to find some inner balance inside myself that life would never ever be the same, and feeling so robbed, lost, angry, and just wanting to hold all 3 of my girls as close as I could. 1 yr ago, celebrating Thanksgiving, feeling numb, sad, incomplete, with a brave smile on my face for the girlies, crying inside, screaming for my baby to be back with us for just one more minute.
Breathe in, Breathe out. Now, all the 2nds are upon us. The year of 2nd holidays without Roo in this new normal we have settled into.....life without her. She would have been 4 next month. Last night, as I was sitting at gymnastics with my 5yr old Tinker Tot in my arms, as I tickled her back, and her sweet little face was cuddled up to mine, it really hit me. Wow, they would be playing together, sitting here together, coloring next to each other, fighting over Mama's lap. Tinker , that kid never ceases to amaze me. I was soooooo looking forward to seeing her yesterday at gym. RosieD aka Step-mom was coaching last night so it was just me and Tinker for 2hrs. I needed to cuddle her so badly, and kissie her, and sing with her. She really knocks my socks off in so many different ways. She's so silly and inquisitive. Sometimes she will come out and ask the silliest questions just to see how we will react and other times she asks the most mind-blowing questions.
Last night was all about the mind-blowing questions. How do I explain how Roo is still in our lives but we are living in the present? I don't know if I can find the right words to describe it. Sometimes on occasion I will bring Roo up in conversation, Blue Bell barely talks about her, Tinker, she talks about Roo SO MUCH. Maybe it's her age and since she doesn't really remember as clearly as Blue and I do she thinks about things and tries to wrap her little 5yr old Tinky mind around them.
So, there we were last night at gym and she's coloring. I'm sitting there watching Blue, letting my mind wander to the other 80 billion things I think about, ya know, laundry, appts today, Blue's 1st gym meet on Sunday, Xmas, why did I wear this uncomfortable shirt yada yada........Tinker turns to me and says......"Mommy, what will happen if the world dies?" ummmm........ahhhhhhhh.......well Tinker.........Breathe in, Breathe out........My eyes dart over to RosieD coaching gym, looks exhausting but wishing that I was coaching those 20 little gymnasts and spotting their tricks. Well, Tinker, I think if the world was going to die that God and Jesus would come and get us 1st and bring us home to heaven......but I don't think that's going to happen for a longggggg time, and well I think that's a good question for Dada, we'll ask him.
That satisfied her enough for about 2 minutes till the next question came. She put her coloring away, climbed back up on my lap and cuddled up, and said, "Mommy, do you worry about Roo?" There I am thinking to myself.........ummm ahhhhh where in the world does she come up with this stuff and why always when I'm battling back the grief demon. Well, no Tinker, not at all. She's in Heaven, in a perfect body, you don't have to worry about anything there. "Well, Mom I worry about my family."........O.K. now my heart is breaking.....Tinker why is that??? Well, I haven't seen my Grandma in awhile.......she's not in Heaven Tinker Tot and ummm didn't you just see her 2 weeks ago at sissie's bday party???? OHHH Yeah!!! That's right!! I forgot......and ummm isn't she coming over with your other Grandma for Thanksgiving just like they do every year.........OHH YEAH!!! That's right!!!! Tinker laughs, giggles, and does some more of her deep down belly laughing......SILLY ME!!!
Back to coloring she goes. And there I sit thinking boy this is going to be a longgggggg 2 hrs if she keeps this up. 5 mins passes........."Mommy?" Yes, Tinker? "You cry at xmas time." Yes, Tink, yes I do. "Cause you miss Roo?" Yes, especially around Xmas cause her birthday is right around that time too Tinker.
She crawls back up on my lap.......cuddles herself into me some more......lays in my arms like my big baby.........we snuggle.....I watch Blue hit her floor routine in stride......She's looking good for the meet........."Mommy?' Yes, Tinker? We should get Roo a High School Musical Cake this year!!!!! Ok. more cuddles.......I watch Blue pike her vault....that needs a little tweaking before the meet........."Mommy?" Yes, Tinker. Roo is going to be 4 right? Yep. Well, then her cake has to be Blue's Clue's cause 4yrs olds like that better.....not me though cause I'm 5 and I'm a much more big girl.......Yes, Tinker, Yes you are.
I look up gym is done. RosieD comes over exhausted from her work out with the little gymnasts. I'm just as exhausted too though, in a different way. I tell her about the oh so important question Dada must answer for Tinker Tot.......we walk outside get the girlies in the car.......I tell her about Tinker's and my conversation. She listens attentively like always......stands there patiently while the little twerpies are bugging each other in the car........I think she knows my anxiety has started.
We go off on our separate ways. Blue gets in the car and talks and talks and talks on the way home. This girl said that at gym, this girl did this......uh huh, uh huh.......I listen. Breathe in, Breathe out. I will make it through the holidays.....I will make it through Roo's bday, I will make it through the dreadful winter. I will because I HAVE TO, for the girlies, and I will because I CAN. With some tears, moments of happiness captured here and there, watching my girls grow, answering Tinker tot's breath taking questions every now and then. All while remembering, Breathe in, Breathe out..........just breathe..........
more updated post coming soon.