5

Tomorrow she'll be 5. What can I possibly say to mark this day? I can remember her birth, her life, her smile, her love. I feel the heartache and the pain. I feel the motions of life pushing me forward whether I want to go forward or not. Blue Bell said it out loud last night, "I miss Roo." I almost fell over but I was driving LOL. She said she tries to imagine her "normal" walking, 5, talking, with legs. Her words. She said when she imagines her that way all she can see is her head, smile, and legs. I told her, "Blue Bell, we are T-girls...we are nothing but small heads, no bodies, and long legs....that's exactly how she would be!" Blue Bell laughed and let out a sigh. When we got home, she hugged me, like REALLY hugged me and we swayed back and forth hugging each other in the kitchen for awhile. The swaying is a habit we both got from Roo. She loved to be held that way. Living without one of your children here on earth it sucks.....BADLY. Living in the moment, for my other 2 that are here, is WONDERFUL. I think I've found a nice balance between the two and a really healthy support system to help hold us up when we need it. In AA, they say take it one day at a time. Same is true for grief. Sometimes it's an hour at a time, sometimes it's a minute, sometimes it's a second. Right now, I'm trying to suspend time......like it's not moving forward. I want it to stop and not be that one more birthday has passed without her. Tomorrow, the girls have gym. I'll be going out into the world and sending all my love and energy into children that don't get it at home. I'll be celebrating the little moments when those children "get it." I'll be thanking God for Blue's gym coach, who has called me everyday to check on us, and listen to me. I'll be thanking God for Tinker Tot's Aunt, who is going to go out to dinner with me and her while Blue Bell is at gym practice. I'll be thanking God for my Moms who I can call and talk to and they listen more then they talk the past few weeks. I'll be Thanking God for old friends, new friends, old friends that are new again. I'll be Thankful mostly for the gift of being Roo's Mom. I'll be thankful she is healed and still all around us with her spirit. I'll be thankful that God trusted me enough to be her Mommy. I'll be thankful for the other Angel Mom's that "get it." and send me sweet love and hugs everyday. Well, I guess I wrote out what 5 means to us this year. Thankful. Grateful. Love. Strength. Appreciation. New. Old. Moving forward, but NEVER forgetting. To the moon and back my sweet scooby-doo! Do you know Tinker Tot does the munch munch on my cheek?? Course you do! I don't know how she remembers that but she does......and it drives me just as crazy when you used to do it to me!! Munchies....smooches.......woogees.......I miss you Roo...xoxo Mama.

OW.

Head hurts. Heart hurts. Eyes hurt. Feet hurt. Ok, everything HURTS. No Blue Bell tonight, she's having a grand ole time at her cousins. No Tinker Tot tonight, she's having a grand ole time at her Dad's. No Roo, for too many months now. Me, I'm off to bed....

F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHHHh

Proceed with Caution....or just ignore me...

Pomgengratetini tonight.......I don't know why I decided to finally start a blog around Roo's 5th birthday with my emotions swirling all around me. I'm starting to feel like a whining blogger type. Oh well. Tonight my anger consumes me. Blue Bell, Tinker Tot, and I put up the Xmas tree. I used to love it. 3 yrs now I hate it. I hate that my Roo is a decoration on my tree rather then being here. I hate the Memory ornaments given to me, the ornaments that hold her picture, the ornaments that she(her pt) made with her teeny tiny little hand prints. I hate them but they also bring me so much peace.

I'm so angry and I don't like it. I hate not knowing what to do with my feelings of missing my sweet Roo. This weekend, Blue, Tinker, and I had a great time filled with laughter and laugh. It's been 3 holiday seasons and I can finally say I'm able to stop in the moments filled with love and laughter and soak them in. Not just pretend. Tinker Tot made arts and crafts out the kazoo this weekend like usual. Rainbows, butterflies, pictures of her horse, written songs, and stories she created with her own imagination. I love watching her draw and write her imagination at work.

Blue Bell loved playing with Tinker this weekend, loving each other up, driving each other crazy, helping me decorate the tree, being angry, happy, smiling, and laughing. I feel so sorry for those around me that are close to me. This is the time of year that takes the most patience. I try to withdraw into myself and concentrate all my energy on Blue and Tinker, but some friends still demand my attention. I warn them. I do. I tell them, My moods are going to be up and down, we can be laughing one moment and the next I'll be screaming in pain. Even though I warn them, they act shocked when it happens. I mean it's not like I'm acting insane just because, it's not like I'm acting angry just because, it's not like I'm taking things out on them because I'm there. Telling them I'm going to be emotional roller coaster and to proceed with caution is nice I think anyways. If they don't want to heed the warning, then don't be m-f shocked when the hammer comes down and I want you out of my house and to go home and leave me ALONE!!! Seriously, When I say I'm isolating for the benefit of others I'm not effing kidding. I guess there are always THOSE people though that think, well I'm different, I can get her to get over it, I can get her to change, I can take that hurt away.......YA OK, Jesus walked on water, but DUDE, HE WAS JESUS!!!

So, I miss Roo. It's been almost 3 yrs....ya ya yadda yadda, it's gotten easier with time. Grief comes in waves, blah blah. Just seriously, it sucks some major a** when her Bday and Xmas are 7 days apart. When I already had issues with the holidays because of my parents. In 2 weeks, I should be back on my feet, my smiley ole self. My friends that are smart, either A. Avoid me at this time, B. avoid me at this time unless I call them, show up at their house, IM, email, whatever, C. reach out to me but know they must listen to my nonsense and rambling and occasional walk down memory lane regarding Roo without saying a word, or D. walk into my space and MY TIME expecting me to be normal, expecting me to give them attention on their lives, expect me not to be an angry moody mess, and then when I realize THEY were expecting me to be ahem "NORMAL", blow the eff up and basically tell them to suck it. Those right now are the options.

One friend decided to walk into the mine field tonight and boy oh boy did that backfire. Shoot, any Sunday night when I have to send Tinker Tot back to her Dad's house is reason for me to NOT BE HAPPY. Blue Bell and I are comfortable enough to understand our hurt and anger on those Sundays. We hang out, talk, cuddle, or avoid each other. She goes to her room, I go to mine. It's an understanding. But someone from the outside, where I have tried to explain this and has witnessed it 1st hand now 2xs and still pushes to be apart of that effing mess......c'mon....give us our space.

I sound like a bitter B*tch. Really, I'm not. I'm hurting, Today is the exDH birthday, yesterday was my2nd Mom's bday, tomorrow is my Mom's bday, Weds. is Roo's Bday, Thurs is her 35 mo angel anniversary, I'm dealing with a teenager, a custody battle, more family drama then I need, oh ya and xmas is right around the corner.

Bitter not really, Angry OH YEAH, wanting to drink more of my martini to make it all hurt a little less........right on that........

F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Train

Blue Rasberrytini tonight...........Blue Bell and Tinker Tot are fast asleep upstairs curled up in each other. After an evening of our favorite activity and playing with the new X-mas train Grandpa sent them. My Dad hasn't seen Blue Bell since she was 2 yrs old and has never met Tinker Tot. Yet, he sends the most splendid gifts for xmas. He brings magic into our home and lives several states away. He brings the magic of X-mas back to me each year since Roo has left us just as he did when I was younger. When I was younger, he always set up his train from his youth around our xmas tree. I would play with it for hours upon hours. I would get lost in making up stories about the train and the little village it circled around. It would help me to drown out the fights between him and my Mother. The awful screaming would disappear as I would disappear into the x-mas village and as I made the train go full throttle round and round so I could not hear the yelling.

I'm sure he has no clue that is why I loved the train so much. He remembers looking at me smiling as I played with it and kept busy for hours. He doesn't know the reason why my 10 yr old little self got so absorbed in it. I won't tell him either. The train made me VERY happy. What brings me more joy now though is watching Blue Bell and Tinker Tot play with their new train. Knowing, that they aren't playing with it to escape any yelling, fighting, or screaming. Knowing, that although their innocence of childhood has a big scar on it, they are playing to have fun. I know that as I watch them and play with them they aren't thinking about Roo's upcoming Birthday, they aren't thinking about what horrible thing is going to happen next, they are enjoying the sound of the train going round and round, the xmas music, the whistle on the train, because it's part of the magic of X-mas.

My X-mas train when I was 10 yrs old saved me.........I got lost in a world to avoid the ugliness around me. As an adult, I get lost in watching my girls laugh and play. Watching my girls play with innocence and not to escape. I remember too many things that brought me happiness but in order to escape pain and reality. Wow, I guess that's why I was able to find comforting things to do when Roo was here and dying. ***Light bulb moment***

Gosh, Blue Bell is such a trial right now. She's throwing a fit again. They were sleeping so sweetly, curled up together, until Tinker Tot moved out of her Blue Bell's arms and she awakened. She awakened and realized that Tinker Tot was in her arms and not Roo...and she's angry.......Me too Blue...Me too......

The blue rastini must wait........I'm off to cuddle both Blue Bell and Tinker Tot off to dream land.....hoping that they feel their Mother's love around them. Hoping we all feel a piece of Roo with us as we fall asleep.

F*LUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I'm alone

I'm drinking. My dearest just left to pick up Blue Bell from her Aunt's. Tinker Tot's Dad picked her up an hr ago. I'm alone. I'm drinking. I didn't drink the 1st year after Roo was gone. I went through all the 1sts sober. Then, I started making friends with my neighbors. SAHMs who drank during the summer. The summer became the fall and yet I still drank. Blue Bell got angry and then more angry. After she went to bed, I would sit down at the computer, read blogs and have a drink. It took the edge off and I slept better.

This is the 3rd holiday season without Roo. I'm still drinking except now I've moved on from beer and wine coolers to martinis. It doesn't really make a difference. I still want to cry, I still hurt, and I'm still angry. When Blue Bell is raging, She was dx ADHD and ODD before Roo was even born.

My dearest just called and he got mixed up where he was supposed to pick Blue Bell up. My friend just called asking where my dearest was. Now, I'm frazzled. When Roo was here, I had so many different ways I used to comfort her, myself, Blue Bell, and Tinker Tot. I haven't been able to find any to comfort myself since. Well, except for drinking. Blue Bell has lots of activities she loves and that keep her and myself busy. Tinker Tot also has gotten involved in lots of activities with me and her Dad. But, I haven't done anything as a hobby or to comfort myself. Which right now is my biggest mistake.

My energy has been going FULL THROTTLE into Blue and Tinker. As it should. I wonder though.....When Roo was here, and her time was so limited, how do I find the time to do the things for myself that I found comfort in? Because her nurses and hospice basically forced me too. Now there is no one here, telling me to take a time out. My dearest, bless his heart, never knew Roo, or what life was like day in and out parenting all 3 of my blessings.

Right now, I realize that things are off balance. Blue Bell is off balance and I know that means I'm off balance. Yet, I sit here by myself, and drink. Hoping not to feel anymore. Hoping not to feel tired, depleted, empty, hopeless, worthless, fighting a fight I can't win. Being a lush doesn't make any of those feelings go away. I am a good Mom. I fought a good fight for Roo. Just as I am now for Blue Bell and Tinker Tot in the ways they need me. But I have to be honest and admit, telling the dearest I couldn't drive to pick up Blue tonight because I had a drink, relief. Telling the dearest he has to call my friend and deal with the pick up details, relief. Sitting here typing, letting it all out, relief. Sitting here in the quiet of my house, nobody calling, "Mommy!!!!!!" Nobody asking me right after the girls find something to play with and stay quiet for more then 6.5mins "Do you think I should do this or that to my truck?" RELIEF. Actually having a quiet minute to reflect upon Roo's life and remember her soft little cheek next to mine as the tears roll down.......Relief..........This Blog......Refreshing..........only because I can......

F*LUSSHHHHHHHH

Comfort?

Blue Bell has been sick for days now. She's my healthy child. The one that rarely gets sick, that never complains when she is sick, and answers my endless questions of, "How do you feel?" I've been searching for comfort these past few weeks. I've been trying to accept the advice of, "You have 2 children that need you, you MUST move on and, be there for them." Well, unless you have walked in my shoes, some of you have I'm sure, moving on isn't an option, even when you wish is was.

I've been trying to find comfort in Blue Bell's and Tinker Tot's laughter and smiles. I've been trying to relish the delight of being a parent to a tween Blue Bell. I've been holding onto Tinker Tot's innoncence and cuddling her at night as if she was still 6 months old. No matter how hard I try, there is no comfort. So now, I face the inevitable. The pain, grief, and reality, that Roo is gone. That although, I live everyday for Blue and Tinker, that I live for their smiles and laughter, I live to fight to make their childhood magical, Roo is gone.

Roo is going to be 5. I imagine what it would be like to still be driving my mini-van, yelling at all three of them, "Mommy's driving and it's snowing, BE GOOD!" I imagine what her sisterhood would be like with Blue and Tinker. I can imagine, wish, what if, all I want. She's not here. What is here???? A very angry Blue Bell, a very thoughtful lovely Tinker Tot that doesn't understand her sister's anger. Tinker Tot is only 6...3yrs old when Roo left this earth. She doesn't understand how Blue Bell is angry at her for not being Roo. I get it, I do. I wonder though...How long we we live hurting and therefore being angry? They are just beginning their lives......mine has been full of disappointment. I'm still young, I still have dreams, I'm close to fulfilling my dreams. They are just beginning to dream.

There is hope all around us. Just as there was when Roo was dying. There is anger, just as there was when Roo was dying. There is the feeling of loss.....Tinker Tot doesn't spend enough time here with us. I sent her to live with her Dad to spare her of the ugly memories of Roo's last days. Blue and I feel the loss twofold. I'm fighting now, to have Tinker Tot week on week off.

Blue Bell is 10, wise beyond her years, so smart, so beautiful, so loving, so angry. Tinker Tot is 6, innocent, trusting, believing, loving. Roo is 5, forever 2yrs, and I wonder if she is 5 yrs old in Heaven, or forever 2yrs old. We all miss her in our own way. We all hurt for her. Everyday, I get up with a smile on my face. Thankful, for the blessings I do have. I easily get angry at those that don't recognize how easy their lives are, or bitch over stupid petty crap. Still, I smile, I listen to those petty complaints, I try my hardest to be the best Mom I can. Still fighting, to get Blue's innocence back, to get Tinker's time back with us, and to live without forgetting our Roo.

******FLUSSH*********

Introductions

I've been wanting to start a blog for a longgg time now. I've lurked and read other blogs for over 2yrs and I have been touched by so many people, their words, and the part of their lives they share with us the Internet. I guess the hardest part for me has been writing this 1st entry. How much of myself and my family I want to share.

I suppose I'll start with introductions. I'm in my 30s and have 3 beautiful children, Bluebell, Tinkertot, and Roo. My girls and I have been on quite a journey together. My life actually took many twist and turns before I became a Mother. I don't know how this blog will evolve. I don't know if I will even end up having readers. What I do know is that I have a lot of thoughts I want to share and I'm sick and tired of all the would be posts, stories, and words pinging around my head like it's a ping ball game. I want to write my feelings, emotions, stories, laughter and tears and F*LUSSH.

So I've finally jumped in and it begins............